scottynz

I don’t really have the words to describe how New Zealanders feel today.

Things like this just do not happen in NZ except now of course they have. Everyone here is rallying around our muslim community, people of all faiths and none are welcoming them into their churches, homes and village halls etc while their mosques are closed. I think that is something that touches me the most. This evil man sought to be divisive between races and faiths and highlight that muslims are the enemy, instead the legacy of his actions is that it has brought people together.

There are multiple multifaith services all over NZ today. This man was not one of us and we utterly reject everything he stands for.

Numblady

Scotty, I am so sorry. For you, for New Zealand, and for all of us. The level of disgust I feel knowing that there is a whole global community of zealots and hate mongers who think this way makes me sad for humanity. I think you are right to focus on the legacy ultimately being love. But I really wish there was a way to extinguish the hate that this person capitalized on altogether.

Everything I had to say seems very mundane juxtaposed with the shooting. But as our lives are writ against the backdrop of the sweeping breadth of major events and the plodding mundanity of every life I’ll still just say I’m having a little bit of a tough time here with my family. It’s really great to be here and I’m trying to focus not on what anyone else is doing and more on what I am doing and can do (being helpful, being present when in conversation, feeling healthy and kind to myself) but I find myself just kind of distracted with the fact that tonight is Mexican night and everyone is focused on margaritas. Tomorrow is a huge party at my sister’s brewery for St. Pat’s so the focus there is somewhat obvious. Anyhow going to try and stick pretty close to SR. I don’t feel tempted but I just feel a little isolated in terms of all the other adults. A lot of that is probably in my mind. My husband is really the only one who isn’t more of a normie about it. So some of it is in my head.

Anyhow, feel silly even talking about it with major tragedies happening but wanted to get it out of my system. Going to try and work out and see how that feels.

thinking of you Scotty. And all NZ.

NewChapterJan18

Numblady

Thanks NC. Things got a good bit better today. After I worked out i got cleaned up and since the kids were with my folks and my husband was running errands with my BIL I got to just go out around town and...do whatever I wanted. It was so cool. I took myself to lunch at an old favorite restaurant and then walked around the town square, founds some cocktail/mocktail mix on sale which I later made into yummy mocktails, and then stopped by the grocery store. And then I took a gratuitous nap. I spent most of the day as a free agent of my activities and that made me super happy. And being more present while everyone pounded margaritas actually was kind of neat. It made me realize that I’m not as apt to just sit around and feel like I don’t want to move or put upon to go play with my kids or whatever. But after my kids went home I did sit around with the grown ups and just talk and laugh my head off. I was again reminded fun is not found in the drink. It’s the company. Now if I can just get a decent sleep with my boozed up husband it will be a really good day!

Scotty my heart goes out to you. It’s just so vile anyone thinks that way.

PalmerSage

Scotty, so sorry about the tragedy in NZ. The only upsides are as you mentioned - bringing the community together and the understanding that something must be done. Hopefully you can succeed where the US has failed miserably.

Numblady, so glad your day turned out so well. I love it when you take some time to yourself, the image of you hopping all over town makes me super happy. You deserve it all.

NC, hope the concert was great and that you have an opportunity to rest and relax a bit today!

My husband left this morning on work travel, so I'll have some breathing room to do whatever I want. I have a busy week work-wise, but I'm determined to work around the house too, making some bold moves with no supervision, ha!

Numblady

Hi friends. Today husband and I make the drive back home—leaving our kids here with the grands. I wish I could be more excited but both my parents appear to be sick so I just feel worried and guilty. Sure they’ll get through it but would just be more of a relief if I didn’t simultaneously have to feel bad. Was so excited about five days to only worry about work and getting myself up and to bed every day, which I guess I should still be. Guess I also shouldn’t be belly aching when you consider Scotty almost never has had any adult only time in all these years except that one weekend.

The time here has been good. Yesterday I again spent time just doing what I wanted and even time doing nothing. Which I’m discovering I’m not very good at. I don’t really know what to do with myself just sitting with the grown ups sometimes. It’s like I’m out of practice. Yesterday was a really fun, albeit long, day at the brew pub. Perfect weather. Irish band. All my family. Kids behaved really well and my daughter even put herself to work washing dishes. I got her some food and she told me she couldn’t eat because she was still in the middle of her shift. I’m not doing a very good job of describing it. I had a gigantic mocha to kick the afternoon off which was awesome. Then ginger beer and sparkling water and regular water. Felt great to finish a day of being in the sun drinking just as good as when I started.

Hope everyone’s doing okay. Have a good one!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

So in positive news, this weekend my stables held an internal showjumping competition and I entered in one of the beginner classes just to see how we would get on. Though I was terrified my horse would act up as he has been and make a fool of me, I thought it best to use the opportunity to test the water on home soil rather than at a big inter yard or affiliated show. To my surprise and delight, he was so well behaved and we ended up coming first and winning our class! You guys would laugh if you saw the size of the jumps, but I'm still super happy and proud of our little achievement.

Work is a little stressful this week again, but I'm just working through it and trying to stay focused and calm. I have a number of abrasive clients yelling at me and I am just about fed up with the tensions and aggression. We have more work travel coming up and fly out on Thursday, so hoping I can manage to get through all I need to ahead of then.

NL: Those mocktails sounds delicious! I'm so happy that the brewery day was much more fun than anticipated and that you got to enjoy time with the adults this weekend! your daughter just sounds like such a character, I love hearing your stories about her funny little interactions. I'm sorry to hear your parents aren't feeling well, I hope they improve soon and that you can enjoy your free time in the meantime without worrying too much!

PS: I hope you've been enjoying some me time with your husband away and that work isn't too hectic.

Hi to Scotty, Sunflower and Dee!

Numblady

Hi everyone. Feels like a long time since I posted but I guess not.

NC that is awesome you put yourself out there. Who cares the size of the jumps? It’s still cool!

I’m home alone and just super sad about this thing at work I haven’t talked about (I don’t think). I don’t know if I just work with a bunch of dramatic people or what but I had a confrontation with a person on my staff, this kind woman who came and saved my a** when my son was sick and I was out of town, and she has basically refused to speak to me or open her office door for weeks now. I texted her and said that my door was open if she ever wanted to talk and she just wrote back that basically no she was clear on everything. Now she just replied to our book club that she’s taking a long term break. I can’t help but think they are related. I guess better not to assume but it’s just making me so sad I can’t focus. She did something so out of line I had to intervene with our deputy who wanted to fire her on the spot. And while I can understand some of her frustration it’s not like it’s totally one sided. And more than that I’ve considered her a friend, albeit a difficult employee to supervise, for over 14 years. The thought that this would really amount to so little when we had a disagreement makes me really depressed. Sorry to whine. Just don’t know what else to do except try and come here and vent. I’m feeling okay enough in my own skin that I’m not going to beg her just to talk to me, which would probably irritate her anyway. But I can’t stop being sad about it. At least not at the moment.

PalmerSage

Hi all! Numblady, I'm trying to think of a response that's helpful and not trite or oversimplified. It's clear that this person is meaningful to you, and her behavior is upsetting and also, kind of confusing because you would think she would be eager to clear the air and move forward too. Unfortunately, from what you've said, it sounds like the ball is in her court, and these issues are hers to resolve. Your door, mind, and heart are open - hers are closed. Her behavior at work caused you to have to intervene, which put you in a tough position because you were forced to act professionally on what are essentially personal feelings. Now, she has sequestered herself away presumably because she is harboring some kind of resentment, but is that reasonable, or is it petty and childish? It almost sounds like she is manipulating you emotionally because she knows you're sensitive and vulnerable, due to having no family and having accepted her help in the past. I'm thinking of your comment that if you're worried about something, you're trying to control it (I call that up frequently because I worry/try to control constantly) but from an outside perspective, this chick sounds wack. Again, I don't want to be glib - something I'm working on recovery - but I feel pretty strongly that you're in the right and she is the one who needs to come around.

NewChapter, I love that you won your competition!!! That must be an awesome feeling, did you get a ribbon or trophy? I swear I would display it front and center, that's awesome.

Scotty, Sunflower, and Dee, I hope you guys are great! Talk to you soon.

Numblady

Thanks PS I actually tried to get back to sleep last night when I was tossing and turning about this by praying (to the extent I pray) for my heart to be open. Of course this is when I thought I would get the chance to talk to her face to face today but she didn’t come in. And the more I talk to people and get good advice like yours the more I think there really isn’t much more I can do besides be willing to own my part and to be open to hearing that I may not even fully realize my part if she ever decides to share that.

Hope everyone is doing okay. I had a nice night out with friends. I’m a little out of it and distracted but it was still nice. More later. Drifting off to sleep.

Thanks for being a safe spot for me to come and rant and vent.

Numblady

Hello everyone how are you? I am just saying hello and omg people talk about drinking so much! We were stuck at the capitol all day and into the night around 9:00 and I swear half the conversation was about how people wanted to be drinking. Oh well. I guess it’s a pretty normal thing to say. Kind of put some AV ideas into my head, none acted on of course. but whew! That was a lot. Hope to hear how everyone is doing soon. Hugs!

Dee74

been out for a few day with a bad back - how is everyone?

D

Numblady

Hi Dee. Hope your back is feeling better! I can’t speak for the others and it’s been pretty quiet here but I’m good. Up and at ‘em on a Saturday morning. Going to get a workout in just in time to sit in the car for about 9-10 hours. Just what every back loves

PalmerSage

Hi all! Numblady, I hear you about the drinking talk, and I've been having more drinking dreams lately, too. Funny though, you know how everyone worries about being asked why they aren't drinking, when they first quit? In 15 months, I can say that zero people have expressed surprise that I wasn't drinking. Isn't that funny? Sure, a lot of it is that I mostly tried to hide my drinking , but it also shows me that alcohol is just not a huge factor in "normal" peoples' lives...as it should be, I guess.

I am having an epic battle with sugar. I'm not sure if it's the transition of the move, stress with uncertainty at work, laziness, lack of discipline, all or none of the above, but I am feeling motivation slowly sneaking up on me, to get back to the habits of my best self. Numblady, I'm sorry your back is bothering you, but the fact that you always exercise anyway is nothing short of incredible.

Dee, how is your back feeling now? Is it something that can be treated, or does it require surgery and/or new medication? Thinking of you.

Scotty, New Chapter, and Sunflower, hope everyone is doing well!

NewChapterJan18

Dee74

Hi Palmer Sage

just problems associated with posture etc from my cerebral palsy. There's wear and tear on the discs for sure but no surgery required as yet.

I'm doing physio at the moment - have been for 6 weeks now - it's possible I zigged when I should have zagged or something lol

D

Numblady

PS ha thanks for kind words about my back. I was mostly just making a joke/complaint about being in the car for a long time. Sounds like Dee has some real stuff going on and I was just doing some garden variety travel related whining I’ve thought a lot about how few people seem to notice or care (in any sense of the word) that I’m not drinking, and how the ones who do notice don’t seem all that interested in the real reason. I think they just like to hear something that makes them think they don’t have a problem so they can move on. And then with people like my family they don’t really seem to think it’s much of a big deal perhaps because they don’t know how mightily I struggled/struggle. I almost got into an argument with brother on St. Patty’s Day. First he was going on and on about how much sugar was in ginger beer and how your body can absorb the sugar in alcohol beer because it’s naturally occurring blah, blah, blah. Then after sort of snappily telling him I’m drinking ginger beer because I don’t drink alcohol, he sees me later and says “hey sis you look like you need a beer.” Ugh! Not in a way like he wanted to poke at me knowing I was sober. More like he literally didn’t even remember what I told him. In part because he uses a crap ton of pot and booze just to”cope with reality”. So doesn’t remember a lot of things. Wow. Sorry for the rant!

NC good to know you’re okay out there.

Dee hope the back keeps improving. I don’t know much about it but I would imagine there could be lots of muscular stuff and ensuing issues with CP. I’m glad you got sober and are in a position to address it.

Our kids are back and I’m glad of it though there was a lot of fighting (they are tired of each other and one was super tired in general) and we’d been home about ten minutes before i got the “you are the worst mom in the world” and I dropped an f bomb. So there’s that.

Ahh the joys!

Well hope your Sunday is sunny, spring-like and no one tells you you’re the worst anything except maybe the worst at drinking booze since you’re sober

NewChapterJan18

Numblady

Miss you guys. Hope everybody is ok out there. Glad to hear from you NC!

Dee74

D