Class of October 2015 Part 4
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,021
Originally Posted by Winslow 
I really hate these self sabotaging thoughts,I wish I could just take it off the table for good and be done once and for all.
Some members have indicated AVRT works very well for them and say the technique has stopped the incessant addictive voice loop. I use it off and on, but I've found I need additional tools to keep my mind from thinking too much and too often about drinking (primarily Mindfulness meditation and reading about and tentatively practicing Buddhist philosophy).
You can read more here: Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
And for additional information on AVRT just google Rational Recovery
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Winslow, I was so tired for about the first month. I was really getting my energy back after about 30 days or so then got sick last week so it was back to being really tired. Now I'm getting my energy back again. It takes a little while, and it's really annoying, but it does come back!
I got a $5 latte from Starbucks after work, had to wait for 20 minutes to get it, took 3 sips then spilled it all in the parking lot : ( I thought well if that's the worst thing to happen to me this weekend, I'm doing really good! So I run home to put a few things in the fridge real quick then run off to a meeting, but my car won't start : ( I'm like what the hell, this is starting to feel a little ominous. I made an appointment today to meet with a loan officer next week and get prequalified to buy a home. So I was thinking is this a sign that things are really about to not go my way? Then I told myself I can't think like that, things will work out how they are supposed to. That's not terribly reassuring to me right now because of course I want everything to go my way and on my timeline, but I'm trying to look at this as practice in accepting the things I cannot change and doing what I can about the rest.
It's Friday, yall! Yay!!
I got a $5 latte from Starbucks after work, had to wait for 20 minutes to get it, took 3 sips then spilled it all in the parking lot : ( I thought well if that's the worst thing to happen to me this weekend, I'm doing really good! So I run home to put a few things in the fridge real quick then run off to a meeting, but my car won't start : ( I'm like what the hell, this is starting to feel a little ominous. I made an appointment today to meet with a loan officer next week and get prequalified to buy a home. So I was thinking is this a sign that things are really about to not go my way? Then I told myself I can't think like that, things will work out how they are supposed to. That's not terribly reassuring to me right now because of course I want everything to go my way and on my timeline, but I'm trying to look at this as practice in accepting the things I cannot change and doing what I can about the rest.
It's Friday, yall! Yay!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1,486
Jeez Grizzly,talk about a Friday the 13 kinda day! I have read up on AVRT,to me it makes absolutely complete sense,I'll just hafta keep doing it over and over again, the AV really is a quadrapeligic until I give it power to act! No,no,no.period... Thanks for the feedback on being tired everyone, my last big binge was in May,then there were a couple of drink days in June and July,Aug was sober,Sept had 2 separate relapses,short ones,but October was kinda stupid,so I consider it a major relapse and forgot how yuck I feel even weeks later,I'll be patient😊
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,292
I was up at 3am today. I'm blaming my wife for leaving the heating on too high. I was waiting to go to the gym at 8 and began to feel sorry for myself, worrying about going to the restaurant tonight to celebrate my son's birthday. I was in a " woe is me" mood.
Then I turned on the to and saw the Paris situation develop. Basically I felt ashamed. This terrible event really, really put my minor whines about wanting to drink into perspective.
I don't want to come across as facetious but tonight I won't drink and I won't be thinking about myself and my problems, other things will be on my mind.
Then I turned on the to and saw the Paris situation develop. Basically I felt ashamed. This terrible event really, really put my minor whines about wanting to drink into perspective.
I don't want to come across as facetious but tonight I won't drink and I won't be thinking about myself and my problems, other things will be on my mind.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
Good morning - trying to go about my business today in spite of the horrific events of last night. Paris has a big place in my heart - have been there a few times and love it there. So sad today for everyone.
Anyway, glad to be where I am with drinking. I'm on the Campral 3x per day now (still 1/2 doses) so going to see if that makes a bit of difference. Most of the time, drinking is not even something on my mind. I have too many things to do to, many of which are fun/pleasurable, others of which are just life things that need to be done.
I'm glad it's Saturday - still need to catch up on work - but that's fine.
One other thing: by the time you get over 30 days, the count of days becomes less in the forefront of my mind. I used to know exactly what day I was on just in my brain. Now I have to think I little about it and even look at the app on my phone to really know. I would say that is progress!!!
I had this really strange dream that I was going swimming and the saw a weird creature swimming under water in the pool. It was like large hairy seal and was swimming really fast all around with people in the water. Needless to say I stopped in my tracks on the diving board and didn't jump in. Then I woke up. Crazy!
Anyway, glad to be where I am with drinking. I'm on the Campral 3x per day now (still 1/2 doses) so going to see if that makes a bit of difference. Most of the time, drinking is not even something on my mind. I have too many things to do to, many of which are fun/pleasurable, others of which are just life things that need to be done.
I'm glad it's Saturday - still need to catch up on work - but that's fine.
One other thing: by the time you get over 30 days, the count of days becomes less in the forefront of my mind. I used to know exactly what day I was on just in my brain. Now I have to think I little about it and even look at the app on my phone to really know. I would say that is progress!!!
I had this really strange dream that I was going swimming and the saw a weird creature swimming under water in the pool. It was like large hairy seal and was swimming really fast all around with people in the water. Needless to say I stopped in my tracks on the diving board and didn't jump in. Then I woke up. Crazy!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Originally Posted by Juno11
Paris has a big place in my heart - have been there a few times and love it there. So sad today for everyone.
I agree, Juno, after 30 days I can't remember which day I'm on. I thought I would make a big deal when I got to day 50, but that came and went without me even realizing it. I know the week, but not the days unless I count.
Got a pretty laid back day today. Housework, go for a run, then take my kiddo to the park. And try to get my car working again. I hope everyone has a nice saturday!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Hi guys so ... I doubt most of you remember me. I was in the class but I stopped posting around Oct. 21, I think.
I had 35 days and I drank again on Oct. 25. Then again on Oct. 27, and once more on Oct. 29.
So my date now is Oct. 30.
At this point I have three different things I have to process: Why I drank, what drinking was like, and what the last two weeks have been like.
Why I drank again: Same reason I always drink again! I decide that the voice in my head that says, “You’re in control now, you can moderate now,” was my own voice, a rational, reasonable voice, instead of my addiction. I knew I might be wrong, also, but decided to go for it anyway as an experiment to answer the question, “What would really happen if I tried to drink just this once and then be sober again for a long period?”
What drinking was like: The five days I spent drinking on and off were a wonderful study in what drinking is like for an alcoholic who has recently been committed to sobriety.
Did you know—because I didn’t know this—that being drunk doesn’t actually even feel that good? I didn’t know this. It doesn’t. It definitely lowers inhibitions, which is why I started drinking heavily in my life to begin with, but the part of my brain that thinks drinking alone is somehow pleasurable is actually just wrong on the facts.
Funny. Also, useful information.
Another piece of useful information: When I’ve recently gotten drunk, boy do I want to get drunk again. It’s all I want to do, when I’ve recently done it. It really does wreck stuff. I set out to answer the question, “What would really happen if I tried to drink just this once and then be sober again for a long period?” And the answer is definitely:
The drinking will absorb me, and block out all other interests. Even if I manage to quickly stop again, as I did this time, the idea of being interested in anything other than alcohol for a good long while goes out the window.
Finally, what’s the last two weeks been like, when I’ve been sober again after the slip?
It's been a very odd, difficult-to-parse time. The mental progress I’d made went out the window: I slipped backward in my march toward genuinely giving a **** about life, and found myself back in the spot where I gave a **** only about whether or not I drank, so that even if I didn’t drink, my day was about drinking.
I've managed to stay sober, but almost every minute has been touch-and-go. And to be honest, it was a strange, numb kind of touch-and-go, where my brain couldn't focus on either the serious negatives of drinking or the serious positives of staying sober. I honestly have no idea how I managed to not drink a few of these nights, I've been so out of it and autopiloted. "Tools," I guess, thought not even really good tools; I would do stuff like say, "You can drink if you still feel like it after a run;" and then, "You can drink if you still feel like it after spending time with your sisters"; and then, "It's just one hour till midnight when the stores close, just stick it out to then and you can drink tomorrow if you feel like it." Somehow all that worked for two weeks. I can't explain it.
I have just, today, finally come back online mentally. I've remembered why I'm doing this and that I really do need to recommit. I finally felt up to posting on here again (I've continued to read this thread though I stopped posting, so Hi, I'm your stalker).
Anyway, I actually feel like I've learned several things from the last few weeks, things about me and alcohol and me and not drinking alcohol.
First, I’ve learned that I really can be confident in saying that any thought I have in favor of drinking is my AV, so I’m free to ignore it.
Second, I’ve learned that my temporal proximity to drinking is in direct reverse correlation with the number of ***** I have to give about anything. That’s a pretty important thing to remember.
Third, I’ve learned that there is something very true about the idea that, when you do fewer “recovery” type activities, sneaky AV thoughts that don’t seem to be coming from anything specific will seep into my head. I may not see the causal relationship or experience it in any direct way, but it still happens: When I slack on the simple act of pouring energy of some kind into “recovery” activities, I get obsessed one way or another with drinking again. I was slacking, before I drank again, I just didn’t see how not posting exclamation marks on SR.comwas in direct relation to my brain suggesting I was in control of alcohol. I think I have to just accept that those things are in direct relation to one another, even if it’s not always easy for me to see how.
So anyway … Hi there. Today is day 15. I’m not adding anything specific to my recovery plan, but I am going to be more vigilant about doing everything on the plan more and more consistently, and I am going to take these things I’ve learned to heart.
And start attend once weekly in-person Lifering meetings even though they’re 90 minutes away from me, so I guess I am adding something concrete.
I had 35 days and I drank again on Oct. 25. Then again on Oct. 27, and once more on Oct. 29.
So my date now is Oct. 30.
At this point I have three different things I have to process: Why I drank, what drinking was like, and what the last two weeks have been like.
Why I drank again: Same reason I always drink again! I decide that the voice in my head that says, “You’re in control now, you can moderate now,” was my own voice, a rational, reasonable voice, instead of my addiction. I knew I might be wrong, also, but decided to go for it anyway as an experiment to answer the question, “What would really happen if I tried to drink just this once and then be sober again for a long period?”
What drinking was like: The five days I spent drinking on and off were a wonderful study in what drinking is like for an alcoholic who has recently been committed to sobriety.
Did you know—because I didn’t know this—that being drunk doesn’t actually even feel that good? I didn’t know this. It doesn’t. It definitely lowers inhibitions, which is why I started drinking heavily in my life to begin with, but the part of my brain that thinks drinking alone is somehow pleasurable is actually just wrong on the facts.
Funny. Also, useful information.
Another piece of useful information: When I’ve recently gotten drunk, boy do I want to get drunk again. It’s all I want to do, when I’ve recently done it. It really does wreck stuff. I set out to answer the question, “What would really happen if I tried to drink just this once and then be sober again for a long period?” And the answer is definitely:
The drinking will absorb me, and block out all other interests. Even if I manage to quickly stop again, as I did this time, the idea of being interested in anything other than alcohol for a good long while goes out the window.
Finally, what’s the last two weeks been like, when I’ve been sober again after the slip?
It's been a very odd, difficult-to-parse time. The mental progress I’d made went out the window: I slipped backward in my march toward genuinely giving a **** about life, and found myself back in the spot where I gave a **** only about whether or not I drank, so that even if I didn’t drink, my day was about drinking.
I've managed to stay sober, but almost every minute has been touch-and-go. And to be honest, it was a strange, numb kind of touch-and-go, where my brain couldn't focus on either the serious negatives of drinking or the serious positives of staying sober. I honestly have no idea how I managed to not drink a few of these nights, I've been so out of it and autopiloted. "Tools," I guess, thought not even really good tools; I would do stuff like say, "You can drink if you still feel like it after a run;" and then, "You can drink if you still feel like it after spending time with your sisters"; and then, "It's just one hour till midnight when the stores close, just stick it out to then and you can drink tomorrow if you feel like it." Somehow all that worked for two weeks. I can't explain it.
I have just, today, finally come back online mentally. I've remembered why I'm doing this and that I really do need to recommit. I finally felt up to posting on here again (I've continued to read this thread though I stopped posting, so Hi, I'm your stalker).
Anyway, I actually feel like I've learned several things from the last few weeks, things about me and alcohol and me and not drinking alcohol.
First, I’ve learned that I really can be confident in saying that any thought I have in favor of drinking is my AV, so I’m free to ignore it.
Second, I’ve learned that my temporal proximity to drinking is in direct reverse correlation with the number of ***** I have to give about anything. That’s a pretty important thing to remember.
Third, I’ve learned that there is something very true about the idea that, when you do fewer “recovery” type activities, sneaky AV thoughts that don’t seem to be coming from anything specific will seep into my head. I may not see the causal relationship or experience it in any direct way, but it still happens: When I slack on the simple act of pouring energy of some kind into “recovery” activities, I get obsessed one way or another with drinking again. I was slacking, before I drank again, I just didn’t see how not posting exclamation marks on SR.comwas in direct relation to my brain suggesting I was in control of alcohol. I think I have to just accept that those things are in direct relation to one another, even if it’s not always easy for me to see how.
So anyway … Hi there. Today is day 15. I’m not adding anything specific to my recovery plan, but I am going to be more vigilant about doing everything on the plan more and more consistently, and I am going to take these things I’ve learned to heart.
And start attend once weekly in-person Lifering meetings even though they’re 90 minutes away from me, so I guess I am adding something concrete.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Hi Help!! I can't even put into words how excited I am to see you!!! I have literally thought about you everyday and thought about emailing you but decided against it because I didn't want to be annoying or overbearing. I am so so glad to see you back : )
Thank you so much for your very enlightening post. I have a lot to learn from your slip. I have been scared of drinking only once, if I managed to make it only once, because I wonder how long I will be obsessed with the thought of drinking afterwards. Consumed by the thought of it, I fear. Your experience tells me that obsession will last long after stopping drinking again. Thank you so much for your articulate post on your recent experience. I hope it helps you a lot. I know it's helped me. Welcome back, Help!!!!
Thank you so much for your very enlightening post. I have a lot to learn from your slip. I have been scared of drinking only once, if I managed to make it only once, because I wonder how long I will be obsessed with the thought of drinking afterwards. Consumed by the thought of it, I fear. Your experience tells me that obsession will last long after stopping drinking again. Thank you so much for your articulate post on your recent experience. I hope it helps you a lot. I know it's helped me. Welcome back, Help!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,292
Help,
I remember you too. Posts like yours are helpful. I'm at a stage where I have forgotten, at least the negative side, what it's like to drink. You post brought me back down there with a bit of a thud. It resonated.
Juno,
Yes, I can't remember the days either.i write them a month ahead each time I turn the calendar.i also have an app but it seems to be on some American time and I'm almost a day ahead I think. After a check though I do know that I'm on day 71.
Lastly Paris. I've got friends living there, women who married Frenchmen. I, don't mean to be controversial or upsetting, but I see all these posts on Facebook and wherever about prayingfor Paris. Is it just me that feels that it is praying that is part of the problem. I'm sure there are people praying to God for thanks that the acts were successful and praying that more terrorism can succeed. I don't know I'm just sad at how the world is turning out. I can't remember exactly but I think I was about 21 when the Berlin Wall came down. I recall sitting in a pub with my then girlfriend and Ho positivity we felt about the future of the world. Seems a long, long, long time ago.
I remember you too. Posts like yours are helpful. I'm at a stage where I have forgotten, at least the negative side, what it's like to drink. You post brought me back down there with a bit of a thud. It resonated.
Juno,
Yes, I can't remember the days either.i write them a month ahead each time I turn the calendar.i also have an app but it seems to be on some American time and I'm almost a day ahead I think. After a check though I do know that I'm on day 71.
Lastly Paris. I've got friends living there, women who married Frenchmen. I, don't mean to be controversial or upsetting, but I see all these posts on Facebook and wherever about prayingfor Paris. Is it just me that feels that it is praying that is part of the problem. I'm sure there are people praying to God for thanks that the acts were successful and praying that more terrorism can succeed. I don't know I'm just sad at how the world is turning out. I can't remember exactly but I think I was about 21 when the Berlin Wall came down. I recall sitting in a pub with my then girlfriend and Ho positivity we felt about the future of the world. Seems a long, long, long time ago.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
Welcome back, Help! Of course I remember you! Glad you came back to post here and congrats on getting back to 15 days!
I had a good day. Worked on a lot of things at home here - work projects, house projects, went to yoga, did a few errands, not a bad day at all.
I had one difficult moment. My son wanted a sandwich from Subway (he's a super picky eater, so I made a special stop for him). While walking over to Subway, I had to walk by two restaurants with bars. I peeked in and saw a few people drinking glasses of white wine at the bar. It made something stir in me that I can only call desire. I love bars and sitting there watching a sports event with other people and melting into my glass of wine. I hope I didn't trigger anyone right there, but that's what I felt. And when I feel like that I feel that I can't be sober forever. I promised myself I'd try to make it a while longer, a goal of like 100 days. I know this is all hogwash, but that's what I told myself to make myself feel better. When I got home I was okay and the longings quickly vanished. Those kind of thoughts that come suddenly scare me, though.
Midton, I understand what you're feeling. I feel like we have been living under a cloud since 9/11/01 here, with things never quite the same as before. I find it hard to believe that people can be so evil. It's baffling to me, it really is. I guess the silver lining is that most people really are good, and we've all got to stick together and find a way to prevail. Senseless tragedy and so many lives lost yesterday - young lives full of promise. I'm not on Facebook anymore - I can only imagine the posts going back and forth with my former 200+ friends. I prefer not to have to read everyone's comments on this.
I had a good day. Worked on a lot of things at home here - work projects, house projects, went to yoga, did a few errands, not a bad day at all.
I had one difficult moment. My son wanted a sandwich from Subway (he's a super picky eater, so I made a special stop for him). While walking over to Subway, I had to walk by two restaurants with bars. I peeked in and saw a few people drinking glasses of white wine at the bar. It made something stir in me that I can only call desire. I love bars and sitting there watching a sports event with other people and melting into my glass of wine. I hope I didn't trigger anyone right there, but that's what I felt. And when I feel like that I feel that I can't be sober forever. I promised myself I'd try to make it a while longer, a goal of like 100 days. I know this is all hogwash, but that's what I told myself to make myself feel better. When I got home I was okay and the longings quickly vanished. Those kind of thoughts that come suddenly scare me, though.
Midton, I understand what you're feeling. I feel like we have been living under a cloud since 9/11/01 here, with things never quite the same as before. I find it hard to believe that people can be so evil. It's baffling to me, it really is. I guess the silver lining is that most people really are good, and we've all got to stick together and find a way to prevail. Senseless tragedy and so many lives lost yesterday - young lives full of promise. I'm not on Facebook anymore - I can only imagine the posts going back and forth with my former 200+ friends. I prefer not to have to read everyone's comments on this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Lastly Paris. I've got friends living there, women who married Frenchmen. I, don't mean to be controversial or upsetting, but I see all these posts on Facebook and wherever about prayingfor Paris. Is it just me that feels that it is praying that is part of the problem. I'm sure there are people praying to God for thanks that the acts were successful and praying that more terrorism can succeed.
These people are no more 'Muslim' than the Westboro Church is 'Christian'.
I'm a Christian, but it would be insensitive and inappropriate for me to exhort people to pray here because there are many beliefs on this board and I try to respect them all.
my theology is pretty basic Do to others as you would have them do to you.
I can't see how my personal prayer to God is analogous to the hatemongering that is going on in other places, or how me praying is going to make terrorism worse.
I'm not looking for an argument, and I'm not an evangelist looking to convert you
I respect your opinion and your right to hold it, even if I disagree
D
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,292
Dee,
As always I respect your view, belief and opinion even if I might not agree on the R question and whether or not this is extreme Islam and regular Islam is Islam-lite
Oh and I also feel the same frustration about candlelight vigils. It's probably just a deep, deep frustration but I want something more concrete. Unfortunately I don't know what to do either.
As always I respect your view, belief and opinion even if I might not agree on the R question and whether or not this is extreme Islam and regular Islam is Islam-lite
Oh and I also feel the same frustration about candlelight vigils. It's probably just a deep, deep frustration but I want something more concrete. Unfortunately I don't know what to do either.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Originally Posted by Midton
I see all these posts on Facebook and wherever about prayingfor Paris. Is it just me that feels that it is praying that is part of the problem. I'm sure there are people praying to God for thanks that the acts were successful and praying that more terrorism can succeed.
I debated on whether or not to respond to your post, I dont want to come across as mean. No offense given or taken and no hard feelings, I hope. I understand your frustration.
Ha! You're right, that was a pretty untimely autocorrect : )
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,292
Griz,
Yeah, as I wrote I am at a loss as to what to do. Selfishly, I'm lucky in that I'm quite isolated from such things given where I live, natural disaster are far more likely. This distance also impacts on what I can do even if I had a clue.
I fear myself becoming more clannish and less tolerant of those whom I see as different. I fear this in other too, especially as my kind are bi-racial.
I also fear for my kids future, especially my son. I predict that conscription will be needed to provide the security alone needed in our daily lives. We will have to become more like Israel in many aspects of our daily lives.
Yeah, as I wrote I am at a loss as to what to do. Selfishly, I'm lucky in that I'm quite isolated from such things given where I live, natural disaster are far more likely. This distance also impacts on what I can do even if I had a clue.
I fear myself becoming more clannish and less tolerant of those whom I see as different. I fear this in other too, especially as my kind are bi-racial.
I also fear for my kids future, especially my son. I predict that conscription will be needed to provide the security alone needed in our daily lives. We will have to become more like Israel in many aspects of our daily lives.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,292
Back to the main theme.
I didn't drink at the restaurant yesterday. On the way home though we stopped off at the supermarket to buy some goodies to enjoy later, my new weekly binge. I bought tortilla chips, ice cream, some other snacks I like and then I thought about buying some chocolate liqueurs. I didn't though but sort of craved even the modest alcohol experience here.
At present I have a new but potentially worrying development which would certainly strengthen my battle against drinking. So, I haven't had a health check in about 10 years. I've always worked out, am never sick and eat healthily , for the most part. At almost 3 months sober I thought I'd check my blood pressure. It was shockingly high and has scared me I immediately made a doctors appointment for the coming week. I'm going to get my blood checked, urine work, diabetes check, chest X-ray as well as discussing my blood pressure. This is the kind of thing that relegates thought of drinking to somewhere far, far away. Choose life as the movie said.
I didn't drink at the restaurant yesterday. On the way home though we stopped off at the supermarket to buy some goodies to enjoy later, my new weekly binge. I bought tortilla chips, ice cream, some other snacks I like and then I thought about buying some chocolate liqueurs. I didn't though but sort of craved even the modest alcohol experience here.
At present I have a new but potentially worrying development which would certainly strengthen my battle against drinking. So, I haven't had a health check in about 10 years. I've always worked out, am never sick and eat healthily , for the most part. At almost 3 months sober I thought I'd check my blood pressure. It was shockingly high and has scared me I immediately made a doctors appointment for the coming week. I'm going to get my blood checked, urine work, diabetes check, chest X-ray as well as discussing my blood pressure. This is the kind of thing that relegates thought of drinking to somewhere far, far away. Choose life as the movie said.
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