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Class of October 2015 Part 4

Old 11-18-2015, 06:45 PM
  # 241 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Time2Rise View Post
I think I'm going to go back to drinking. I'm pretty smart and resourceful, so I believe I can figure out a way to drink safely. Thanks to everyone for your help, and good luck with your sober journeys; this really is a great group of people. But I've come to realize I just don't feel like giving up booze at this time. Don't worry, I'm not planning on drinking right now, or even in the next week or so, but I'm putting alcohol back on the menu in case I decide I want to indulge. I think I'm just a born hedonist, free-spirit and iconoclast, and trying to be a fine, upstanding citizen is something I really don't want to be. Whew, honestly, I feel much better already. Sobriety was felt like I was carrying around an extra 50 pounds. Peace.
I don't think that doing exactly what Bud Light ads suggest that you do makes anybody a free-spirit or an iconoclast. In fact, bucking the notion that alcohol is the way to rebel by *actually* finding ways to rebel is beating the system. Drinking alcohol is just being a good consumer.

I've given this some thought because I have had the same ideas.

In fact, I've had all these ideas. Recently. It "worked" for three days. Then there was no amount of distraction or will power that could undo my mind's fixation on drinking some more and again. That's just how it is.

I know first hand how these thoughts feel like your own thoughts, instead of your addiction talking.

When I gave into them, within a very short period of time I saw those thoughts, which I was so sure were mine, bleed directly into the old thoughts that I DID know were the voice of my addiction.

"I can do this safely" became "I can do this safety however much I want for tonight" became "I can do this safety however often I want" became "I can do this however often I want even though it's not super safe" became "I can and do do this all the time" became "I must do this sometimes, but I swear I'm still in control" became "I must do this. All the time."

That's how I learned that the thoughts I believed were rational and me were really just the same as the old desperate need of my addiction talking to me.
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Old 11-18-2015, 06:47 PM
  # 242 (permalink)  
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Hi Time2Rise, I, too, like Dee was hoping that you were doing some sort of exercise or being facetious or something. I understand what you mean about feeling like the weight you are carrying, but don't forget you don't have to do it forever.....just for TODAY. One day at a time. That's it.
The fact that you have had a desire to quit at all really says a lot. Maybe you could think about your reasons for wanting to quit?
Wishing you the best.
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Old 11-18-2015, 07:10 PM
  # 243 (permalink)  
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T2R,

I suppose if you're not ready then sobriety just ain't going to work at this time. Wish you well but before you really take that first drink why don't you re-read your first posts and see if you can remember why you came here in the first place.
My first post is horrendous and I'm embarrassed to read it. I'm in a much better place now, and despite knowing this I stil feel the tug, tug ,tug.


So I went for a health check and to see how bad my blood pressure is. My blood pressure was 142/80, which I thought was good for me. Before I went to the doctor I did do a lot of deep breathing so maybe I cheated a little. The doctor wasn't too concerned but said I should buy a monitor and check every morning and night.

I also had a urine and blood test. The urine test was great (that sounds perverse) and I'll get the blood test results either today or tomorrow.
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Old 11-18-2015, 08:05 PM
  # 244 (permalink)  
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Time2,
I wish you'd give yourself the chance to be the person you were really meant to be. The person with the booze and drinking is a false you, cloaked, covered, dark, grey. Anything to do with drinking is hindering the real you. Everything we've ever been taught since we could understand, warns us against what alcohol and drugs or any other addiction represents. Please be patient and give yourself time.
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Old 11-18-2015, 08:07 PM
  # 245 (permalink)  
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Good results, Midton! Grizzly, I really need to start running again. I used to run a lot and now I'm out of the habit. I miss it and it used to keep me in shape. Maybe just a little at a time for now to get back into it.... still doing yoga, but need some cardio, as well.

Time2Rise - I wish you well, whatever you decide.

HelpImAlive - good going. I can tell you that with me and my relapses, there is just no question of going to back and drinking again the next time. I used to be able to moderate quite well, and even intermittently in the last few years. But the last few times I have drank have all been at my house alone in my room. I seem to have zero control over the amount I drink when I do that. Last Sunday night I bought 4 tiny single serve bottles of Chardonnay, thinking I would only have 1-2 and save two for later. Well, I had the one (tasted like swill by the way), and didn't feel much so quickly went and had the second hoping for that buzz/relief. I think it hit me because I almost have no recollection of having the 3rd and 4th. I was just surprised they were gone and didn't even remember getting them to drink. I also watched a football game and had no idea who won or what happened in the 4th quarter. The 3rd quarter was really fuzzy. I also went and hid the 4 little bottles in the trash but didn't remember doing that. In the morning I was panicked because I didn't know where I put them and was afraid someone (my Mom) would find them somewhere in the house. I had to go through all the yucky trash to find them, found all 4 bottles, took them out and brought them to a public trash can (my Mom seems to find every evidence of drinking that I leave, even in the trash). Then the hangover came and I felt like I was going to die. At first early in the day my head was still foggy and I didn't know what was going on (didn't feel sober enough to safely drive, so didn't). I went back to bed and tossed and turned with nausea for a couple of hours just hoping and praying that time would go by and I would start to feel normal again. Went out around noon and brought a plastic bag in my car with me in case I had to vomit (driving in a car while hungover always makes me sick to my stomach even more), got into worked and faked being happy for a few hours meanwhile sipping small sips of Gatoraid but nothing else. Finally, around 4:00/5:00 had a little food and started to recover. For me it's just so clear cut - it's been like that 9 times out of the last 10 that I drank. Drinking is just not a safe option for me.

Now to kill those lying thoughts that tell me "just a glass of wine... won't hurt anything..."
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Old 11-18-2015, 08:44 PM
  # 246 (permalink)  
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Time2Rise, I hope you decide not to drink. I do wonder why you think it will go any differently this time than it has in the past. Apparently it was a problem because you ended up here. It's not too late to change your mind. I wish you well!
Midton, so glad to hear the good report!! I was getting ready for work this morning and thought, "I wonder when midton's doctor appointment is? If he doesn't tell us soon how it went, I'm going to ask". Happy for your good news : )
Juno, I hadn't thought about stashing all my bottles until I could find a public trash can in awhile! I would stash those suckers everywhere then forget about some of them. I was always embarrassed to have to explain when someone else found them because it was clear I had a problem. Your post reminded me of how much planning and effort I was putting into something that ultimately made me miserable. Thank you!
I've got to finish getting my paperwork together for my meeting at the bank tomorrow regarding buying a house. I've thought about it for awhile but just in the last week got up the courage to see if i can make it happen. I really don't know how it's going to go tomorrow, but it's a big deal for me that I'm trying.
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Old 11-18-2015, 09:47 PM
  # 247 (permalink)  
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Time2rise.. Sounds good re your plan but you have forgotten that you are an alcoholicand. It wont turn out the way you think it will, as you know..
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Old 11-19-2015, 03:15 AM
  # 248 (permalink)  
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Happy humpday guys
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Old 11-19-2015, 06:47 AM
  # 249 (permalink)  
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Hey all,Time2 rise,I read your post last night and I just didn't know what to say😕 I know that when I've made up my mind to drink in the past nobody's words could stop me,its not going to be any different if you decide to drink this time,what's changed? I tthink you have 7 or 8 weeks? Could be PAWS giving you thoughts,I always find too that after a sober stint the brain changes but not how you think,you think I should get buzzed pretty quick cuz I've been dry,well its actually the opposite and it takes MORE to get to that sweet spot,that is if you even hit it,I've gone from sober to absolutely smashed without ever hitting the high,I dunno why you said sobriety feels like a burden,can you tell us what you're feeling? I guess in the end its none of my business and you gotta do what works for you,I guess this just saddens me cuz it reminds me of me.day 27 here and I'm feeling ok,tiredness finally lifted so now I need to get the exercise going,fitbit probably thinks I'm dead haha,hope everyone has a lovely Thursday😊
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Old 11-19-2015, 11:36 AM
  # 250 (permalink)  
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Day 13.
Midton ..Good knews re your results. I got my own BP monitor as well and my BP readings are always better when taken at home than at the Doctors...They call it whitecoat BP.. I am not a big fan of doctors, hospitals etc.. MY BP goes up just thinking of those places. So worth investing in. My doctor told me ideal is 120/70 and I am pretty close but also medicated for it. I can tell you that booze is really bad for BP. That's why I was put on medication. Going back in one week for a check and blood tests I will have to discuss this as give up the bottle.

Juno.. see it wasn't that hard to get back. That slip was and has been and I am sure you learnt from it. Good going!!
Friday morning and its going to be a scorcher here. Happy weekend to you all!!!!!


Grizzly.. Fingers crossed for with the bank
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Old 11-19-2015, 01:51 PM
  # 251 (permalink)  
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Syd,

Just got a blood pressure machine yesterday. I took my blood pressure twice last night before just and just now after getting up this morning. Now I'm worried about being too low. The readings were 117/77 and then 112/76 my pulse rate was 50 and 46. The heart rate does seem low though I've worked out my whole life.

I think my super high reading was due to the machine at the gym having a fixed size cuff and probably not being calibrated correctly. I've also been practicing two forms of deep breathing 3 times a day, I've quit coffee and kept an even cleaner than normal diet so that too has probably had an impact.

Now I have to wait to get my blood work results later today or tonight. My brother-in-law works at the clinic and he's going to bring them sometime today.

As for drinking, the relief of the blood pressure results has put me in quite an elated, celebratory mood. I've have quite strong cravings in the last 24 hours. I'm not in danger but I'm not a happy bunny about them either.
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:09 PM
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Well, I'm back to sanity--more or less. I didn’t drink, and I’m dropping my dopey plan to start drinking again.

I apologize for yesterday's flippant post. I don’t want to make excuses, but the last week and a half has been so much harder than my first five weeks. I can't seem to stop romanticizing alcohol and the drinking culture I was a part of. I know my perceptions regarding alcohol and the social aspects of drinking are mostly an illusion, but I once again find myself being duped by my selective memory--I remember the few fun aspects of my drinking days, and I completely ignore the predominately bad aspects of my drinking. Ugh.

Anyway, yesterday I sort of snapped. That weight I talked about become too heavy, my brain felt like it was rattling around in my head, and I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was in a weird place, and unfortunately, when I wrote my post, I meant every word. But after a few hours, I more-or-less returned to the person I really want to be. I know on an intellectual level that these thoughts, false perceptions and emotions are something I just have to endure for a while until they end, but damn it sucks having this crap bouncing around my head most of the day.

However, I still have a few sober tricks up my sleeve, so I’ll be putting them to use, and I will be recommitting to some of the practices I used more extensively during my first five weeks of sobriety. And other than using AA or the 12-Steps I’m open to any other suggestions on how to deal with my “unskillful” thinking. At this point, I’m willing to try just about anything.

Thank you all for your responses; you can’t imagine how appreciative I am. And thank you for putting up with my BS, thinly veiled cry-for-help. As I said yesterday, this really is a great place with a great group of people.

Peace
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Old 11-19-2015, 06:15 PM
  # 253 (permalink)  
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I'm really glad to read that T2R

What really cemented my recovery was accepting what I was - an alcoholic - and accepting that my relationship with alcohol was always and always will be toxic.

I'd gone down Alcohol Rd so often I know there's no answers there for me...however rocky the road may get (and it does sometimes) I know the answers to my problems are ahead of me, not behind.

Anytime I find myself thinking a drink might be the answer, I know it's BS and I disengage from those thoughts.

Mindfulness - urge surfing etc - helped me a lot there.

I finally figured out I can be the man I want to be...or drink...but not both.

Not much to write a book on, but that's the way I see it

D
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Old 11-19-2015, 06:58 PM
  # 254 (permalink)  
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Ok. This is going to be a long one. I apologize ahead of time, but I need to vent.
I went to the bank with my significant other. We are divorced, but we reconciled a little over a year ago, but we are not re-married. When we were going over financials at the bank, I learned he has a lot more credit card debt than I knew about. I was quite surprised. It would take some fanangling to be able to buy a house right now. For one loan, I would have to borrow money from family. For another loan, we would have to get re-married to qualify. I was entertaining the thought of getting re-married, but when we left the bank he said a few things that really didn't go over well with me. When I asked him about the credit card debt, he said it was him travelling back to Memphis to take care of our son while I was in rehab 2 years ago. He blamed it on me. Taking 30 days paid vacation and having all your accommodations paid for while you're there doesn't amount to thousands of dollars in debt years later, buddy. I said my take away from the bank was that now is just not the right time for us to buy. I said I was feeling upset but that I was not going to go home and drink a bottle of wine like I used to, and I will have 2 months sober on saturday. His response: "I haven't drank in 2 months either". He's not a pill popping, pot smoking heroin addict turned alcoholic that has battled back from the depths of depravity so he doesn't get it, but I wasn't expecting him to shift the conversation right back to himself. It hurt my feelings, but I didnt make a big deal of it. I left and went and got boots that I'll need for work tomorrow because at this point all I know is to not drink and keep working hard. It's like sometimes I get smacked with some s**t, and I don't like that feeling, but it's what I need to happen to bring me back to reality and let me know what I'm really working with. It doesnt mean things won't work out in the future, but it was crystal clear to me that besides staying sober, I'm not ready to make life changing decisions right now. So, disappointing trip to the bank, but I think it was good for me.
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Old 11-19-2015, 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by grizzlybearblue View Post
Ok. This is going to be a long one. I apologize ahead of time, but I need to vent.
I went to the bank with my significant other. We are divorced, but we reconciled a little over a year ago, but we are not re-married. When we were going over financials at the bank, I learned he has a lot more credit card debt than I knew about. I was quite surprised. It would take some fanangling to be able to buy a house right now. For one loan, I would have to borrow money from family. For another loan, we would have to get re-married to qualify. I was entertaining the thought of getting re-married, but when we left the bank he said a few things that really didn't go over well with me. When I asked him about the credit card debt, he said it was him travelling back to Memphis to take care of our son while I was in rehab 2 years ago. He blamed it on me. Taking 30 days paid vacation and having all your accommodations paid for while you're there doesn't amount to thousands of dollars in debt years later, buddy. I said my take away from the bank was that now is just not the right time for us to buy. I said I was feeling upset but that I was not going to go home and drink a bottle of wine like I used to, and I will have 2 months sober on saturday. His response: "I haven't drank in 2 months either". He's not a pill popping, pot smoking heroin addict turned alcoholic that has battled back from the depths of depravity so he doesn't get it, but I wasn't expecting him to shift the conversation right back to himself. It hurt my feelings, but I didnt make a big deal of it. I left and went and got boots that I'll need for work tomorrow because at this point all I know is to not drink and keep working hard. It's like sometimes I get smacked with some s**t, and I don't like that feeling, but it's what I need to happen to bring me back to reality and let me know what I'm really working with. It doesnt mean things won't work out in the future, but it was crystal clear to me that besides staying sober, I'm not ready to make life changing decisions right now. So, disappointing trip to the bank, but I think it was good for me.
I'm glad you didn't drink grizzly; venting is a good thing.
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Old 11-19-2015, 07:08 PM
  # 256 (permalink)  
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Time2Rise, I am so glad to read your post! I was having a really hard time around that same time period too. Maybe it's long enough to forget about feeling bad but not long enough yet to really be in the grove of sobriety. What I did for that hard week was ask Dee for links then really read them. I kept reading about alcoholism to remind myself how bad it is. I've started to give myself little rewards for each week sober. I like to go to target and get a latte and pick out a new nail polish. That's probably not your thing, but find something that is. It's small, but it gives me something to look forward to and reinforces my good behavior so to speak. Your apology is not necessary. I'm glad you vented here then let it simmer instead of impulsively doing something you might regret. I am very happy to see you have changed your mind! Stick with it, Time, you're doing great!!
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Old 11-19-2015, 07:42 PM
  # 257 (permalink)  
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Griz,

Not really much of a vent, came across more as a mature reaction made by a sober person in control of their emotions.

In life **** happens as Forrest Gump said I think, it's always easier dealing with theses time when your head is clear.
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Old 11-19-2015, 07:46 PM
  # 258 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry for your frustrations, Grizzly. I do think taking it slow with the significant other might be a good idea. Maybe today was a good thing to sort that out, but I can see how you might be feeling disappointed. When the time is right, you'll get your house!

Time2Rise, I don't have any words of wisdom as I always seem to fall apart when I have a certain amount of sobriety behind me (that's when I seem to be most vulnerable). For example, I haven't thought of drinking all week - not even once - and my lapse was Sunday. However, I can say I admire you for coming here and saying that to us instead of acting on it by drinking. My AV is so sneaky that when it convinces me I need to drink, it always convinces me, "Why on Earth would you want to contact someone to try to talk you out of this? This is what you want, so just do it." I've never been good at bringing up feelings of being about to relapse to prevent it, I just go ahead and fall head first into the relapse. I know this is something that I need to work on.

Day 4 - very exhausting day. Draining week. I knew this week was going to be a tough one and it is. Fortunately it's almost over and next week will be a holiday week. I feel that we all just work too hard and too much, at least I do. Hopefully a little more chipper in the morning....
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Old 11-19-2015, 07:52 PM
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I think you're absolutely taking the rIght line with this, Griz

D
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Old 11-19-2015, 08:36 PM
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Today is not an easy day. I've basically decided to go drink again.

What's fun about it this time is that I THOUGHT my last mental hurdle to having sobriety under control for good was the insidious "I can handle it now"-style thoughts.

But now that they've been vanquished, there's some creative, all-new addictive thoughts forming.

Like:
--Yes, one way or another it *will* ruin the next few months probably if you drink again tonight, but so what? Your life sucks anyway. You're just as big a lazy, useless loser when you're sober as when you are drunk. May as well have what you want if you're a lump either way.
--It will actually be good to drink again, because you've been not-drinking too long now to still be a lazy sack of **** all day the way you are. Without the purpose of "getting through the first few weeks sober" to give you direction and self esteem, you're just a fat, unemployed, disfigured, socially off-putting, talentless basement-dweller with too many video games who will never again live outsider her mother's house. If you drink again tonight, at least tomorrow you can go back to deriving your self esteem from the noble struggle to get through the first few weeks sober. Then you can continue to avoid the fact that you're 27 years old and all signs point to you being completely pointless.

Fun right? So new, much creative.
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