daveycrockett

I'm thinking a about trying an avocado or some guacamole. I can get them with my next food order if I want.

Taking small steps has been working. I'm thinking about cutting up the wine boxes with a utility knife just to make them more compact. I think I might set a goal of ten boxes a day. In a couple weeks this will make a noticeable difference.

I think looking at the truck is doable but I want to clean up before doing that. I really didn't even think about not getting out of his truck but that would be good to do though. I really want to shower and to buzz cut my hair which is now about ten inches long. I think I'm going to start cleaning the bathroom and especially the shower now that I have more strength. I know these are small accomplishments but they are huge to me at this time.

Astro

I'm about to eat avocado, eggs, and potatoes for breakfast! Love avocados with a lot of my meals and they are in season now.

My #1 favorite pastime for relaxation is trout fishing, I really enjoy hiking along a stream with a fly rod and eating what I catch.

You are doing great on your progress and taking strides, that's a huge achievement, keep it up!

daveycrockett

I'm gonna buy an avocado and see if I like them. I do like eggs and potatoes maybe I'll try that. I have always loved fishing, both fresh and salt water. It is a relaxing past time. It would be enjoyable to catch some large mouths from one of the nearby ponds.

trailmix

The thing with goals at this point is to make sure you don't sabotage yourself.

Because you have a few things to do it's easy to stop yourself by saying yes but.....

I can go with my Son to look at the truck but I should clean myself up and I should clean the shower to do that and I should cut my hair. Now getting in the truck with your Son for a quick trip to see a truck has become a lot of things. Forget cleaning the shower, if you have stuff in there toss it out and get in lol - the shower doesn't care!

These are all great goals but I see them piling up. Then we get overwhelmed. I did it this weekend. Having a BBQ last night and for 24 hours i'm worried about the hot dogs and hamburgers and as I haven't been shopping I had no side dishes (I work weekends as well).

Well you know, the hamburgers I had in the freezer and the hot dogs in the fridge were just fine. There was no side dish - just buns and the usual toppings and who cares! It was delicious.

But for 24 hours I'm thinking how do I fit in getting to the store and I should have these 4 other things and blah blah blah.

Anyway, just some thoughts there. This was actually a good reminder for me.

daveycrockett

Most things that I say I want to do are still just kind of like fantasies. I would love to do them but lack the energy and drive to actually do them. That truck my son was interested in has a deposit on it now but there will be another. I do need to shower before doing anything. With the shower I can just spray the walls with shower cleaner and then just swish some bleach and water around the tub and rinse.

I know what you mean about worrying about the BBQ for 24 hours. I have always been like that too. I would worry about things like that for days. But all that worrying is energy wasted. I know that and you know that but we do it anyways. When I was working and be on vacation for two weeks I wouldn't say no work for 14 days I would say in 14 days I'll be back to work. And I would do this with everything. Worrying so much about things that sleep was almost impossible.

trailmix

Yeah I know that situation well. I've pretty much overcome all that but I know exactly what you mean.

You think - well i'll this and that and clean this and fix that and sort that out and then a day goes by and none of those things are fixed and sorted.

Action, the solution is action. That is what you are doing too, which is great. A few weeks ago you were not eating at all really, had no energy, drinking, feeling horrible.

Look at you now. You took the thoughts of - "I should" and you put them in to action, you have the result. Small steps lead to these great things.

I find it helpful when you think - "but" or "if" - like, i'll get rid of those wine cases/bottles. "If" I cut them down they will take less room. "But" I cant just be filling up garbage bags needlessly (I don't know if you recycle bottles there or not, we do here as in there is a deposit we pay for each bottle and get it back when we return them).

What i'm saying is, try not to make things harder for yourself. You have enough on your plate as it is. We all want to do things right but sometimes pretty ok is good enough. Throwing out those cases and/or bottle as-is - is good enough right now.

Oh and please don't use bleach in the bath/shower. Especially when using other cleaning products. It's terrible stuff to mix with anything else and bad enough on its own. I hope that doesn't sound preachy or bossy but this is something I have experience with and I now never, never use bleach in a shower/bath.

daveycrockett

There's just so many wine boxes I could easily fill the two dumpsters we have here. If I flatten the boxes eight will take the space of maybe one uncut box. I still haven't done one box yet. Did nothing in the bathroom either.

It is kind of a I should do this and that. I'll get something done this week but I'm not sure what. We do have recycling for glass, paper, cardboard, and plastic. You're right I should just throw them out as is. Maybe I'll do both.

I've always used bleach in the toilet and tub, not a lot but just enough to clean good. I know I shouldn't use bleach and shower cleaner at the same time but I do. I just make sure the shower cleaner has no ammonia. Mixing bleach and ammonia is no good.

trailmix

You've already got that covered then - I didn't realize that just a bit of ammonia with bleach was a bad bad idea, of course in hindsight!

Yes why not do both! See how you feel on any given day. Maybe even start with 10 minutes a day. That could be one bag of boxes or spraying the shower. No rule that you have to rinse the shower out the same day and no rule that you have to take the garbage bag out the same day either.

In a way, making those small steps is learning a new approach to things. It's hard in it's own way. You have a certain way you have always done something, were quite capable of doing it that way and that's what you are used to. I would SEEM that this way should be easier, too easy even, but it's not.

If you had a broken arm and managed to spray the bathtub or pack a bag of wine boxes it would be the same thing.

I hope you are feeling a bit better and not so flat? Do you see any improvement there at all?

Although showering or removing boxes won't fix depression it may well give you a better outlook and that can't be a bad thing.

I was at the store today and I guess strawberries are in abundance because they are on sale. I did buy some about a week and a half ago and they were great. Made strawberry shortcake. I bought the little shortcakes and cream and just chopped the strawberries and cooked them lightly with a bit of sugar. It was great. Summer food is great!

daveycrockett

Still no motivation at all. The depression is in control. I will do some of those boxes and clean the bathroom before the weekend though, that is my goal anyways.

I'm definitely feeling better but still not feeling that good. I know it is a long road to becoming normal again. It's a battle I that I really don't think I can win, but I'm trying my best. Any positive things I do does give some hope.

Strawberry shortcake sounds good, I have always had a sweet tooth for deserts like that. I have put sugar on fresh strawberries to make them juicy and sweet, but never tried cooking them. I did buy strawberries, but I just rinsed them and ate them.

trailmix

You can win it, but it's a tough road, which you already know. Anti-depressants would probably be a good thing to look in to but that will have to wait until you are ready to see a GP right. For now, you are doing all the right things.

Lots of people don't. Lots of people are so trapped in fear and depression that they don't attempt any of the things you are (no reflection on them of course, it's the way it is).

You ARE trying. You are making progress. I'm not just spouting off happy sounding stuff here, just so you know, I admire your courage, I really do.

I have been in that dark place, I know what that's like and how hard and scary doing anything is but you ARE!

I BBQ'd again last night. Steak this time, which I marinated first but it was still a bit chewy, oh well, it tasted good. Bit early for some corn on the cob but the stuff I had was edible lol

I like my steak well done therefore i'm not good at med rare and med rare with a bit of charring on the side flipped over at 10 degrees blah blah blah.

People learn to eat steak well done lol (I actually don't do it on purpose, it just happens).

I see nectarines and peaches in the store too. Might be a bit early for them to be tasting decent but I might buy a few and try them out.

Did you make the tacos?

daveycrockett

Steak on the grill is great, I love it. It has good flavor. I haven't had any BBQ food for a couple years. We can't use charcoal or gas grills on our decks. Some people here bought electric barbecue grills though. What do you use for marinade? I used to use Italian dressing and sometimes barbecue sauce too. I like a steak medium.

The summer is the best time for fresh fruits and vegetables. I love corn on the cob too but haven't had that for several years. I'm trying to think of something a little different to make.

I made the tacos a few days ago. I used ground turkey, that's what I had in the fridge. The ground beef is all frozen. I might make tacos again today. I have another pound of ground turkey in the fridge.

trailmix

I really like ground turkey too. Yes, I really buy corn on the cob for the heck of it, I always cut it off the cob to eat it anyway so a can is just as good haha - but other people like it on the cob so oh well.

I am out of Worcestershire sauce but normally I use that and a bit of soy sauce to marinate (and use it to cook a lot too). I happened to have picked up a package of Club House marinade at some point so I used that, it was pretty good, also threw an onion in there for good measure. Italian dressing - I used to use that! Now I never have it around as I don't actually like it on salad, but it was great, might buy a bottle.

I picked up some black bean sauce the other day and i'm going to make beef in black bean with some vegetables that I haven't decided on yet. Probably broccoli, maybe some snap peas and green pepper.

But for tonight, since I'm still at work, it's going to be a burger and fries! I try to stay away from fast food really as i'm usually disappointed but too tired to cook and I do love burgers. Speaking of which I had one at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago. It was called a Kona burger and had a piece of pineapple on it and their house sauce - omg - it was one of the best burgers I have ever had!

Mind you, I do like pineapple on a burger, I can understand that some don't.

daveycrockett

They had the ground turkey on sale for $2.29 a pound so I bought four pounds. I think I'll get some corn on the cob next order. I have cut it off the cob before but usually don't. I do sometimes use worcestershire and soy sauce but usually add them to the salad dressing. For baked chicken I always coat them with mayonnaise. Never tried Club House.

The black beans sound good, I think I'll try that. I'm looking for something different. Was thinking about making a chili too. That Kona burger sounds good too. I love pineapple and I bought a coupe cans. I never tried pineapple on a burger but I'm gonna do that.

trailmix

How is it going Davey? Have you made any progress on the wine boxes or getting outside (not trying to pressure you at all! Just interested).

Depression is a strange thing. It drags you down and keeps you there by flattening your feelings and telling you that you can't do things. Strange and so annoying! Anxiety, fear. I think they are all tied in together in some way. I think the fear is the worst. It can be paralyzing and the solution is held back by the fear. I suppose in some ways it can be compared to alcoholism. The cure seems so simple but the problem holds you back.

Anyway, just pondering that a bit. I do know that a lot of negative self talk is very destructive and self defeating and HARD to stop, but it can be done. I don't know if you have those thoughts of frustration with yourself?

I've just been out and about and home looks good after running around but I am grateful that I can just walk out that door whenever I feel like it.

I think I will end up buying dinner again tonight. Made a roasted chicken last night, well chicken breast, not interested in dark meat, mashed potatoes, gravy, carrots and some garlic bread. It was all good, I like when every part of a meal is good!

What's on your menu?

daveycrockett

I haven't done anything, no motivation at all. I actually forgot about doing any of those boxes. I haven't been outside at all. Depression has taken control again. Anxiety, depression, and OCD is a tough mix to deal with.

I know why I drink. I drink to try to escape my own mind and thoughts and to dull my senses. I hate the way my mind works and how it thinks. The unwanted thoughts and doing the unwanted rituals control my thoughts and actions. I have a lot of negative thoughts.

Chicken is always a good go to meal. There are so many different things you can do with chicken. Chicken with potatoes and vegetables is a good choice. I've just been microwaving mostly rice and chicken. It's just too much work right now to cook a meal. I had a couple banana splits, they were delicious. I don't feel like eating much, but kind of pick all day long.

Dee74

I had a real problem with negative self talk too - but like trailmix says, we can change

Challenging negative thinking | ReachOut.com Australia
Negative Self-Talk: 9 Ways To Silence Your Inner Critic
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central
Positive thinking: Reduce stress by eliminating negative self-talk - Mayo Clinic
Change Your Inner Talk From Negative To Positive

trailmix

I agree, it's a tough road. All you can do is keep on keeping on and if you ever get to a little window where you feel you can reach out to a GP for help, please grab it and make that trip or that call.

It's kind of like carrying some heavy burden and there are people all around going hey, can I give you a hand? We say no, I've got this! In reality we are trying to drag this along and fix it ourselves when that would be tough enough if we were feeling great. When you are in the throes of depression it's more about maintaining than making progress.

If you can try to make it out to the deck to sit for a bit today it would probably be a good idea.

So I've been busy working and completing other tasks and running around so have eaten out the last 3 nights, not happy about that. I need to get to the store. My go-to meal when i'm busy or don't feel like cooking is rotisserie chicken from the supermarket and salad - also pre-made.

At least if I have that around there is no need for eating out and it's generally good and I can modify it anyway I want, like you said, so many options with chicken.

trailmix

Great links there, yes, I think this is a major key. When I think about how I spoke to myself - seriously, I would never speak to someone else like that, never be that judgmental.

So I stopped. Now when I see myself in the mirror I don't (or try not to) react negatively, I smile at myself and say something nice (yes it sounds corny but it's good stuff haha).

When you think about it, why wouldn't you be nice to yourself!

daveycrockett

I still don't have the ability to get help for myself. I just can't call the GP or my Gastroenterologist. I'm trying my best to do things but can only do limited things at this time.

This is truly a vicious circle that I'm trapped in. Depression and anxiety feed off of loneliness and isolation. Depression, social anxiety, addiction, and loneliness all go together. The loneliness causes depression and depression causes loneliness.

I've been a loner for all of my life. Always had difficulty making friends. I need someone in my life but I honestly know I can't make a new friend. In my entire life I only had a few friends. I could really use my son in my life but he doesn't want that. I called him four days in a row and he doesn't answer or call back. That just proves to me that I don't matter and I am expendable.

No calls for my birthday a couple weeks ago or for fathers day. On the last Thanksgiving I didn't see anyone, no invites and no calls either. Then on the Saturday night after Thanksgiving my son came by with my ex wife. I called her later and she got upset because I questioned why on Thanksgiving can my son go see everyone he knows but can't even call his father. This is why she won't talk to me anymore. This has just been on my mind.

I told my son a week ago that I was feeling stronger. I actually said I know I'm not gonna live to be a hundred but I could live another ten or twenty years. I told him I want him in my life and that we can do things again. I told him that he should come by and we could watch a movie and order pizza or Chinese. I did get through to him last night and I told him I've been calling him and he tells stories about how he didn't have his phone with him. And then while he paused and was thinking up more excuses. I just said no big deal and I just wanted to talk. I have no clue how to get him into my life or just get anyone in my life.

I have honestly been thinking about sitting out on the deck. I know I'll do that but I just don't really care if I do or not. I know It can only help though. I used to buy rotisserie chicken all the time. The market had buy one get one free on Thursdays. I like the convenience and I buy bags of salad too. I think rotisserie chicken is good food.

Astro

My experience with my own children is that I have to be a strong leader and a positive force in their lives to maintain and keep my relationship with them solid. I am always vigilant about my program of recovery, service work, and spirituality. They see me "doing the deal" and they want me in their life. For the past 13 years this is how I've been a father, a husband, and I've added stepfather and grandfather to my roles too as a result of this. I think we need to be shining examples to our families. It takes some work, but other men were role models to me too in my recovery so I knew it was possible.