daveycrockett

My family always knew of my anxiety, and I had three good friends that knew. But I always tried to hide my OCD from friends. About three years ago my ex wife told my sister that I was suicidal and she said tell him to take a pill. I don't have a history of being suicidal. Just cold people. I bought this condo five years ago and no family members even said good luck. I was friendly with all of them then. Meals on Wheels is a good thought but I can't eat.

How people can be so cold when I did nothing to them is beyond my comprehension. No one in my family ever tried to help me. And my sister has anxiety and OCD but not as extreme as me. Two of the three friends I had were mentally ill too.

trailmix

Lack of sleep, not eating, honestly you aren't seeing this clearly.

You mention your ex-wife, she is an ex for a reason I take it? Your Sister struggles with mental issues, two of your three friends struggle. They are trying to cope as well and really can't be relied on for help, they are trying to take care of themselves. You really can't fault them for that can you?

That's where your focus should be, on you, not on them, what does that accomplish? It probably feeds your depression, that's not helpful.

These people you talk about all have lives, work, some have children to care for, possibly other family members to care for and many have mental challenges, perhaps they are tapped out, perhaps they don't have the capacity for any more.

Help yourself.

daveycrockett

[QUOTE=trailmix;6895824]Lack of sleep, not eating, honestly you aren't seeing this clearly.

You mention your ex-wife, she is an ex for a reason I take it? Your Sister struggles with mental issues, two of your three friends struggle. They are trying to cope as well and really can't be relied on for help, they are trying to take care of themselves. You really can't fault them for that can you?

That's where your focus should be, on you, not on them, what does that accomplish? It probably feeds your depression, that's not helpful.

These people you talk about all have lives, work, some have children to care for, possibly other family members to care for and many have mental challenges, perhaps they are tapped out, perhaps they don't have the capacity for any more.

Help yourself.[/QU

I'm just saying family helps family. This is an illness just like any other illness. My sister has all the time in the world. She doesn't work and has no kids. She does fine, her OCD is more quirky than severe.
People should put their petty differences behind them and help a family member in crisis. As for friends they are no longer friends.

trailmix

Oh I don't disagree with you at all. Family helps family, friends help friends.

Here is the thing though, people do get tapped out. Not everyone has the same amount of patience or resilience or strength etc etc

While you might be able to help a family member or a friend at any time - you can't expect that everyone can. It's just not realistic.

You are obviously strong, you helped these people why can you not apply that to yourself?

Staying in and bearing resentment against these people helps you not at all. It might not be justice but it is the way it is right now.

If you take some time and help yourself, who is to say that people won't start to chip in, maybe they will then feel like they can make a difference and help? Right now you aren't eating, you are hoarding, you haven't showered in almost a year and refuse outside help. They are regular people, they are not professionals, what could they, realistically, do to help?

Why not pick up the phone and call the Samaritans today - if it helps, pretend you are doing it to help someone else. Once you start down a better path you will find people, good people, start to enter your life.

ThomPom

Hey Dave,

so did you call?

BR, ThomPom

daveycrockett

Thanks for the continued replies. I apologize for not responding sooner. I had an extremely difficult few days. I went through some very rough withdrawals. I didn't have the dt's thankfully. My alcohol use is now about a third of what it was just a couple of weeks ago. I was never a burden on anyone, I always helped myself and I survived this long with limited help. I have been calling my son and he didn't answer

daveycrockett

Thanks for the continued replies. I apologize for not responding sooner. I had an extremely difficult few days. I went through some very rough withdrawals. I didn't have the dt's thankfully. My alcohol use is now about a third of what it was just a couple of weeks ago. I was never a burden on anyone, I always helped myself and I survived this long with limited help.

I have been calling my son for about a week and he didn't answer. He messaged me on FB and he told me he needs a new phone. He lives with his mother and I know they have a house phone.

Over the past couple of days I have eaten a couple bags of popcorn, some slices of pepperoni, and a couple cans of vegetables. I can only stand for a couple minutes, very weak and if I stand any longer I get nauseous. I know I have to help myself but I lost almost any desire to live.

I think I have some form of Diogenes Syndrome, a hoarding, self neglecting, living in squalor disorder. About ten years ago I read a lot about people so terrified of anything medical that they choose to die instead of getting help. I know I have to help myself but haven't been able to yet.

VigilanceNow

You really need to get your head clear and get to the ER to help you detox. What you’ve described is a crisis situation. You’ll feel so much better once these basic things have been accomplished.

I understand about people abandoning you... I lost lots of friends due to my inability to humble myself and move on in the right direction. Sometimes we are the only ones who can help ourselves. I’ve detoxed in the ER before; it’s much better than the alternative of trying to manage DTs at home and possibly having a seizure. Don’t risk it.

daveycrockett

You are of course correct, and also everyone else. That is what I wanted people to say. I do need the encouragement, but if I had someone to talk to in person that might make the difference. All day I think about what am I going to do and what if I did get some help. I'm trying to get the courage to call a help line just to talk to someone. I also think about enjoying a good meal again.

trailmix

Glad to hear you are at least eating a bit more, that's good progress.

I understand your thinking - that circular thinking.

I need help >> I could just pick up the phone and ask for help >> can't make myself do that >> I wish someone would show up at the door and just say i'm here to help you >> I need help

And on and on it goes.

Someone can show up at the door to help you. All you have to do is dial 911, tell them you need help, give them your address and unlock the door, that's it.

You can get out of this and feel better, just follow the above.

Never forget, you are in control, they will not force you to do anything, if nothing else they can check you out right there, perhaps send someone who will set up services for you.

rjyerkes

Perhaps the month of May is a trigger for you?

newhope4172

About 6 mths. ago I was in a similar situation as you. . I was all alone (I felt) in this world and my family and friends had completely turned their back on me. They had given up on me because I had given up on myself and they could do nothing to change my mind and refused to watch me kill myself. I couldn't eat, shower, clean. I was physically so ill I couldn't stand or walk long enough to do any of these things except to get another drink so that I didn't go through life threatening dt's. I was too afraid to call helplines and too afraid to kill myself. This went on for months. . . it came to the point that I could not hold down alcohol anymore and was in a state of withdrawal. I finally called 911. Not really because of the fact that I was dying but because of the fact that I was afraid of horrible withdrawals. When they got me to the er I was in critical condition. They admitted me, detoxed me, .. .etc. I was diagnosed with cirrhosis among other things and if I wouldn't have called I would have died alone anyways. When your liver is shutting down ammonia builds in your body and you cannot think clearly, become very confused. . cannot eat,. .. etc. Its a life threatening situation and if that is what your are experiencing you need to call 911 now. They WILL help you and once you are stable and your mind clears you will be able to make the right decisions for yourself. I am now 6 mths. sober and am getting my health back, and once my family saw that I was helping myself they started coming back into my life. Please seek the help now before its too late. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

daveycrockett

I know I am somewhat crazy now. More than three years of almost complete isolation does that I guess. I'm afraid of people now, and have been for a while.
What you say is a good idea. That I should unlock the door. That's what I'll do if and when.

It is weird that both times this happened it was May. I don't know of any trigger, but it could be.

Newhope, your story does sound exactly like mine. I hope I can get help before any dt's or any more brutal withdrawals. Thank you for sharing that. When you did call how was everyone to you? I'm happy that you are doing good and getting healthier. My health is failing more each day. You know how difficult this is to do.

daveycrockett

I called the Phoenix House, 1-800-662-4357, I found the number on line. They were of no help at all. I called the suicide line and spoke to a girl. I told her what was going on and she told me to call the Kent Center for help. I just called them and spoke to a girl she didn't ask me anything. She transferred me to another line. It was a recording that asked what coverage I have. It said to leave your name and number and someone will get back to me within 24 hours. None of these places care about the person seeking help they just want to know how they will get paid. I have Medicare and I know there is limited help for me because of that. I have tried to get help for years and they don't want to help me.

trailmix

Davy, it might be helpful to tell us exactly what you are afraid of. So you call 911, they show up at the door and then what? What are you afraid will happen?

I'm so glad you reached out today! That's a huge step forward. The results were not what you hoped but you did it.

Please try the Samaritans or 911, you can do this.

daveycrockett

That three digit number you typed is so terrifying to me that I can't even type it. I avoid it always at all cost I hate when the clock says that time. I hate anything that has it. I hate when numbers add up to that. I can't describe the terror associated with it. I am going to call the Samaritans now though.

daveycrockett

I just called the Samaritans of Rhode Island, 1-800-365-4044, that number was disconnected. and I got a busy signal at the 1-401-753-7936 number.

trailmix

Well that's not very helpful of them is it!

So I understand the number putting fear in to you. The thing is, what is the fear? Fear of loss of control? Fear they will force you to do something you don't want to?

Fear of not being able to drink? What exactly is the fear.


Here are some more to try, keep at this please:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-TALK: (800) 273-8255; TTY: 1-800-799-4889

24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call is routed to the nearest crisis center in the national network of more than 150 crisis centers.

For Treatment

East Bay Center, Inc. emergency number: 401-246-0700
610 Wampanoag Trail, East Providence, RI 02915-1506

Gateway Healthcare, Inc. emergency number: 401-723-1915
Intake: 101 Bacon Street, Pawtucket, RI

Other locations:
151 Atwood Avenue, Johnston, RI
1443 Hartford Avenue, Johnston, RI emergency number: 401-553-1031

The Kent Center emergency number: 401-738-4300
Intake/Other: 50 Health Lane, Warwick, RI

Newport County Community Mental Health Center emergency number: 401-846-1213
127 Johnnycake Hill Road, Middletown, RI 02842

NRI Community Services emergency number: 401-235-7120
Intake: 55 Cummings Way, Woonsocket, RI 02895

The Providence Center emergency number: 401-274-7111
Intake: 530 North Main Street, Providence, RI 02904

South Shore Center, Inc. emergency number: 401-364-7705
55 Cherry Lane, Wakefield, RI 02879

Other Resources

SAMHSA's National Helpline
1-800-662-HELP (4357); TTY: 1-800-487-4889
Also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service, this Helpline provides 24-hour, free and confidential treatment referral and information about mental and/or substance use disorders, prevention, and recovery in English and Spanish.

daveycrockett

Thank you so much, your help means alot to me. If not for the encouragement here I wouldn't have called anyone yet. The fear has been life long, I have always been deeply afraid of anything medical related. I can't even look at a fire truck or anything associated with that. I know it is irrational but that is how it has been for along time. This is why I need the assistance of someone. I am going to call some of those numbers. I am actually familiar with some of them. Thanks again.

trailmix

You're welcome!

I know those fears are very hard to overcome.

So glad you are making these calls.