trailmix

Perhaps he doesn't, not right now. I don't know, children are funny lol

My experience has been that even with parents you are close to, you just don't see them that often, don't always take their calls, don't always have time to chat.

Even right now I have several people I need to catch up with and I'm having a hard time juggling that and work and etc etc - and these are people I would love to spend time with. I have responsibilities. I have to go to the store and get some food (required), I have to get the brakes fixed on my car tomorrow (required!), plus all the regular day to day stuff there is to do. Plus he has a girlfriend, that takes up a lot of his time as well i'm sure.

It's a tough road, you know that. Getting through this is not easy, but you are. It takes time. Thing is your time is now about healing yourself rather than not. Eventually better days will outnumber the not so great days.

daveycrockett

I know it is what it is with my son but it's just hard to accept. I was out on the deck a few times today and then went out and tried to start the truck. It turned over slow but didn't start. It will start with a jump. There's a guy a few houses down who works for AAA if I see him I'll ask him for a jump. When I put a battery in he helped so I know he'll give me a jump. And the guy upstairs has jumper cables, I saw him jump somebody over the winter, didn't see him though.

I was really exhausted and out of breath from playing with the truck. I honestly didn't think I was gonna make it back to my place. I know without a doubt I have liver disease or cancer. I need someone to help me get help but I don't know who.

I made tacos again and ate four. I was craving a burger but I had already thawed out a pound of ground beef, so maybe I'll have one later or tomorrow. I'm thinking of trying a burger with pineapple or maybe a burger with an egg. I haven't tried an egg burger yet either.

trailmix

Well try not to dwell too much on what it may or may not be. That breathlessness etc could be anxiety as well. It's like that. I'm no doctor, of course and ideally you will see one soon.

You mentioned your ex wife and that you had a falling out with her that day. Is there any possibility that, now that's she's had time to cool off you could ask for her help in getting you help?

I haven't tried an egg burger either, although I have had lots of opportunities, it's probably delicious!

I ended up making chicken stir fry again tonight, I had already prepped the vegetables two days ago so I made that after my mega grocery store run. I bought what i needed, kind of needed and didn't need because i'm tired of running out of food lol

It was hot here today so that made it uncomfortable, but, it's done! Food abounds! I bought pre-shaped burgers (ie: unfrozen plain beef) because i find if i buy just ground beef i end up freezing it. Also got some steak and potatoes, yellow pepper, onions, sour cream and wraps. Frozen pizza, perogies, eggs, soy milk, granola, bananas and a bag of oranges etc etc etc

Found a new chocolate bar too - Kit Kat chunky, NY cheesecake flavor, haven't tried it yet.

I really hope you get your truck running soon, would be nice to even take a short drive once in a while.

trailmix

Oh one other thing, someone else mentioned this to me - are you drinking enough water?

That spacey feeling etc could have to do with dehydration. Are you getting anywhere near 8 glasses a day?

Sometimes we don't realize the importance of it, I'm someone who is drinking water all day long, not because I'm a water guru, it's more of a habit than anything else but lack of water or other drinks for hydration can have a HUGE effect.

daveycrockett

Getting out of breath could be anxiety but I think it is more. Although last night I had some intense panic and I was short of breath and all the other usual symptoms. Last time I spoke to her she was mean and cold. She told me I don't matter. I won't ever ask her for anything again.

I thought about making a burger but I finished up the tacos. I want to try an egg burger though it seems like it would be good for breakfast. Maybe even make it with an english muffin.

That chicken stir fry sounds good. I'm gonna make one in the next couple days. It's good to stock up on stuff especially when on sale. I bought cans of fruit cocktail, peaches, pears, and pineapple. I don't buy much fresh fruit because a lot of times I don't eat things and I hate to waste food.

It's been hot here too. But the last few days were better although it was 90 today, tomorrow is gonna be cooler. Sometimes I get patties sometimes I get just ground beef it depends what's on sale. That Kit-kat sounds good. I love candy, I like all my sweets with a tall glass of milk.

I can't really drive it because it isn't registered, inspected, or insured. My license expired two years ago. Now if I want to get my license back I have to take a road test.

daveycrockett

I've been drinking a lot of water, juice, and lemonade. I was very dehydrated when I was drinking but I'm hydrated now. When I was working I always took at least four bottles of water with me. I also drink kind of out of habit. I always had a bottle of water with me.

I have eggs and the date on them is the seventh. You can tell if eggs are still good by putting them in a bowl of water if they float they're spoiled.

daveycrockett

This sounds so much like me. I've been reading things. This was in Psychiatry Today. Thought it was interesting.

One of the hardest things to explain to other people about depression is that it robs you of control—not just over your emotions, but over your body as well. There's a phenomenon called "psychomotor retardation" that occurs in many episodes: it can begin as a general slowing of your mental and physical processes, and worsen into a near-paralysis. Of all the things I hate about depression, I think this tops the list.

I don't just mean that it's hard to move; I mean it's practically impossible. Let's say there's a bowl of frozen yogurt sitting in front of me, waiting to be eaten. I love frozen yogurt, I believe it makes the world a better place. But when I'm severely depressed, I can't summon up the energy or willpower necessary to make my hand move to the table and grasp the spoon. The yogurt just sits in front of me, taunting me while it melts: "Who's frozen now?"

If I can't surmount the paralysis long enough to do something that gives me pleasure, imagine what it's like to face the unpleasant chores of daily living. Just the thought of getting out of bed and turning on the shower plunges me into despair. Then there's the ungodly rigors of brushing my teeth. The torture of fluffing the pillows. The agony of buttoning my sweater. It's all beyond me, yet it has to be done and I swear to you, I've laid in bed for hours just trying to toss off the duvet so I can tackle life.

trailmix

Wow, that's really a good description.

The part about the frozen yogurt taunting him "who's frozen now" made me laugh.

As for the shortness of breath, anxiety, panic. That's the thing. When you are in actual panic mode you know it, you know the symptoms it is what it is.

It's sneaky though. Many times you think you are pretty much ok (anxiety wise), not panicking - but that lurking anxiety can have the same result, just not so obvious. Being out at the truck was probably pretty stressful? I remember once going across the street to watch some fireworks in the distance and that was anxiety causing. What if I panic across the street what if I don't feel good and want to go home (I was 100 feet from my house). I went because I had 2 people visiting and they wanted to go. So I put on my brave face.

Ok, so what about your Son. You said the help you need will have to come from someone you know. Now I was reading that to mean to help you find help from the outside (a doctor), is that what you mean?

If so, have you come out and said, I need you to please take me to the doctor?

Please let me know if I'm misunderstanding.

daveycrockett

Yes I definitely do need a doctor and a psychiatrist. I do mostly mean my son can help me or anyone else that knows me. I didn't ask him to take me but I know he would. But I also need and want more than that. He knows what's going on with me. He never once said how you doing can I do anything to help you. I'm still terrified of seeing anyone.

I guess that agoraphobia starts by being afraid to do the things that you were doing when the anxiety symptoms get extreme. I want to do things and go outside and go for walks. I'm getting more afraid because of the symptoms I had the other day but I think I'll try starting the truck again today.

I don't think I mentioned that I also need a lawyer. I have a couple of bench warrants out for me for contempt of court. I missed a couple court dates. When my mind was really a mess and I wasn't thinking clearly I got into a lot of credit card debt. This of course is causing more anxiety. Plus my condo is in tax auction and this too is causing a lot of anxiety. I'm afraid to call the town hall to see what I owe because I don't want to bring it to any ones attention. I need to find out if I can still keep the condo if I pay the taxes. I have almost $2000.00 for taxes but I think I owe at least $3000.00. I only get $1070.00 a month in disability so my funds are limited. I don't know how I can get the rest of the money.

I gave my motorcycle to my son and he registered it. I also gave my truck to my son. I did this when I was a total wreck and actively suicidal. My ex wife knows I did this. The truck is the only way I could get more money.

trailmix

The contempt of court charges. Yes, you need a lawyer. You must have free or low cost lawyers in your area? Here we have what is called legal aid and you an speak to a lawyer for little to no charge. I would start there.

At the same time, you can perhaps also speak with a lawyer that deals in real estate and get a take on what you can expect regarding your taxes, before you call the tax office.

The most important is probably the taxes, you need a place to live. I'd call them as soon as possible (hopefully after consulting a real estate lawyer), find out exactly what you owe and offer to pay as much as you can, say $1500.00. Then you have $500.00 as a buffer to make monthly payments while you sort everything out, perhaps selling your truck for the balance. They want your money not a sale, saves them money. See if they will agree to a monthly payment plan.

Perhaps your Son will give the truck back to you, ask him.

Now if you are unable to make these calls, perhaps you can call your Son, let him know you have some things you really need to talk to him about and have him come over. Then come clean - ask for his help with the taxes and warrants, ask if he can seek out legal aid.

Yes, that's how agoraphobia starts. You do something - hmm anxiety, ok, do something else, hmm panic attack. Then the fear starts. Well what if I - do whatever - and have a panic attack - what if I start getting anxiety and don't feel good. Eventually the fear keeps you from doing anything pretty much. The only defense is to do it anyway. Slowly, baby steps, again. You are on the right path.

daveycrockett

I actually did speak to a lawyer about a year ago from some legal aid service. The lawyer wasn't any help. She just told me not to worry about it. From my experience when any thing is free or low cost it is not nearly as good as paying. But there's no way I can pay anything.

I didn't think to inquire about a payment plan. That's a good idea. I'm not exactly sure how a tax sale works but I think it is almost like an auction. The house goes to highest bidder.

A few weeks ago I did talk to him about the truck. I said maybe we can sell it and he asked what am I gonna drive. I don't think he understands the seriousness of my situation. The truck is worth $12,000.00 so that would help a lot. Then I told him to just give me enough to pay the taxes. I bought a set of four tires for the truck they're still brand new and their at his house. They are worth over a thousand dollars.

He's not really good at doing things like making phone calls for things. He's a procrastinator. He doesn't even make calls for himself unless he really has to. He does know everything that is going on.

trailmix

I hope you don't mind me chiming in on this and letting me know what I see here.

That gesture, of asking him only for the tax money from proceeds of the sale, is very generous and kind.

Now, I don't know why you signed it over to him originally - if that was for some kind of debt (and you surely don't need to tell me if you don't want to, none of my business) but in this situation, if you don't owe him money, please don't be so generous.

You need to look out for yourself here, if you want to give him a couple of thousand to sell the truck, as it is a pain and he is your Son, that seems more than generous, but you need those funds, more than he does, he is working.

I'd throw in the new tires on the truck sale and that might get it sold even faster.

The additional funds, aside from helping with the condo, could also be used to buy yourself a less expensive vehicle if you would like to have one.

daveycrockett

I signed it over to him when I was sure I was gonna die. I sat in the corner some nights just drinking and hoping to get enough courage for suicide. I made many bad decisions in my life. This wasn't in my best interest.

I have always been generous and that's part of the reason for so much debt. I had two good friends take of me for thousands of dollars too. I really will talk to him about this again. I can use any money I can get.

trailmix

How's it going Davey? Have you spoken to your Son yet?

It's so hot here it's not even fun to cook but I did fry some perogies for dinner, something else I picked up at the store the other day, I don't have them very often but really like them. These were onion and potato.

Last night was a quesadilla, cheese, refried beans and sausage.

I need to get back on the chicken wagon!

I hope you are feeling a bit stronger this week and maybe managing to get outside sometimes? Did you get the truck started after all?

Astro

BBQ pork ribs and chili beans last night, mmmmmmm. It's broiling hot in Phoenix but it was nice to ride the motorcycle to work this week.

daveycrockett

I'm doing about the same. I haven't talked to him about the truck anymore. I don't think I ever had perogies. I had to look them up to see what they are.

I've been eating mostly chicken, rice, yogurt, pudding, and ice cream. Still no motivation to do anything. I haven't been outside anymore so I didn't try to start the truck. I know it will start with a jump though.

Astro

Mom was Polish, she would sometimes cook up huge batches of perogies, I still love them.

trailmix

There is a large polish influence where I live. I love perogies, I could eat them every day.

Davey, please don't let yourself stagnate. If you don't push a bit every day you won't make any progress.

I know the battle and it's so tough! Please don't think I am underestimating it.

I hope you are making a change to your routine every day, whether that is 10 minutes on the deck at night, walking out to your truck and back, calling your Son to get the truck in order, cooking something new, wiping off a table or taking a couple of wine boxes to the trash.

Every day.

That's the path to healing and you are on it.

Please don't give up, your progress so far has been really great.

daveycrockett

I know I should be doing some small things but it's so difficult to do anything. I haven't tried cooking anything different yet. I get some cravings and a pizza or a burger would be good. It's just so much work to cook something and If I order pizza then I have to talk to the driver. It's been nice out here, around eighty all week. It would be nice to go for a walk around the school.

trailmix

Why not do that walk tomorrow?

I have a suggestion for the pizza driver situation. Just call, order your pizza and have cash to pay. Tell them you work from home and may be on the phone so please knock and leave the food on the doorstep. Tape the cash, in an envelope, on to your door.

If they say oh we will wait - just tell them no, please don't.

I know it sounds wonky but I bet they get this more than you know. I know that when I would hire someone to do something (mow the lawn or some other yard maintenance etc) I would just put the money on the door or in the mailbox and just tell them i'm not available to come to the door.