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Old 11-24-2018, 07:40 AM   #301 (permalink)
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There's no frustration, for 27 years I was told I was an alcoholic and needed to seek help, I laughed at that. Every one of us is different and unique in that it takes what it takes, I wasn't on a time clock to receive recovery and I don't expect anyone else to be. I talk to you, and everyone else I come into contact with, to share my experience, strength, and hope. Grace is available to everyone.
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Old 11-24-2018, 07:27 PM   #302 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by daveycrockett View Post
I know the help is there if I ask but you know the story. In July 2016 my ex took me to the place I fear most and I was judged by the staff and also asked if I was homeless. They assumed because I was scruffy and didn't shower I was homeless. I told my story and the truth and they had my address.

I can't help but notice the holidays are happening all around me. The people here decorate and put lights and wreaths and things up. When I talk to my son we talk about Christmas and I bought him some gifts. I don't make the holidays important but it is a time for happiness and cheer and visiting relatives and friends.

I know I don't need to apologize but I can imagine you and Astro and others must at least get frustrated. I'm honestly a bit surprised anyone here is still talking to me. I don't know if I'll get the strength and courage to get help, I suppose time will tell.
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No, not frustrated, I think Astro said this so well:

Quote:
Every one of us is different and unique in that it takes what it takes, I wasn't on a time clock to receive recovery and I don't expect anyone else to be.
That's it, we are here for support.

Yes, gallbladder pain is absolutely terrible. It's also something that requires treatment. I know you have probably already googled it and already know all the information.

On the upside! Surgery to remove it is simple and the recovery time is a few weeks but is not overly painful (can be completely non-painful even) and basically requires an overnight stay at most (when done using laparoscopy). So should you need to act, please try to keep it in perspective as it is a common operation.

Now I know, none of that is even remotely comforting to you at all not even a little bit right now, just wanted to mention it in case you do decide to address it.

It's great to hear that you managed to clear more of the boxes out, that's huge progress. I know eating is difficult right now as well, but you are keeping at it and that will help a lot.

As for the holidays, are there people in your complex you could maybe invite over for short visits? Wasn't there that nice woman who made the cookies that time?
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Old 11-25-2018, 03:22 PM   #303 (permalink)
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With me no one has ever said anything to me about drinking. I've been an alcoholic for forty years and hid it well. I know I would feel good and more encouraged to get help if someone took an interest. I really do appreciate the comments and support.
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Old 11-25-2018, 03:41 PM   #304 (permalink)
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I did of course Google everything I could about what it could be and did it obsessively. I can't say for sure it is gallbladder but certainly seems that is what it is. I can't even think about doing something for it. Just thinking about it causes panic which is mostly terror. I don't think I could possibly be any more scared than thinking of that.

Alice is probably 85 and doesn't hear very well. She gave cookies to me a few times and she gave me hotdogs one day. She is a nice lady and there's another lady here about 50 who does a lot to help Alice. The people here think I'm a nut I'm sure. The other day I saw the guy downstairs outside and he just turned his back on me. I used to talk to him sometimes and at least always say hello.

I've still been eating yogurts and popsicles and juice and chicken soup. I made another pot of soup. I do definitely feel way better and somewhat stronger than a couple days ago. Every time I eat I'm scared that it'll start again. I live with a constant feeling of impending doom not to mention the anxiety and fear.

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Old 11-25-2018, 10:25 PM   #305 (permalink)
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Yes, the triggers are unpredictable with gallbladder, unfortunately, would be great if you could narrow it down but that's pretty impossible.

You have mentioned that people get an impression of you as homeless or a nut. You said when you went to get help they thought that because you looked un-kept. Perhaps people will find it easier to approach you if that's not the case. You mentioned one time that you were going to shave your head. Being clean shaven and cutting your hair might be just the ticket to making you look more approachable to people.

I'm not saying this because I think it matters what's on the outside, just saying it for you because I think it would be great if more people felt at ease talking to you.

So Alice is 85 and doesn't hear very well, she's probably lonely too. Maybe she likes to play scrabble or crib or gin or some other card game. My Mom was really sharp in her 80s and maybe Alice is too? She might be great to talk to (maybe she has a hearing aid she can turn up). Perhaps Alice or the woman that helps Alice might know of contacts (like social workers).

Anyway, just throwing some things out there that might make your life better/easier.
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Old 11-26-2018, 04:21 AM   #306 (permalink)
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I notice much that when I'm in public we turn our backs on each other, maybe we're afraid of the outcome or discomfort of talking to another person. But the reality is that when I open myself up and allow another to have a glimpse into my life, I can learn about theirs and a new relationship is formed. There are times when I enjoy being a homebody and hermit, but the true joy in my life comes from friendships and conversation, especially with other men who have struggled with addictions.
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Old 11-29-2018, 07:27 AM   #307 (permalink)
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Davey, I just want to let you know that I am here, reading this, and support you. I know you think it's beyond your capability to go get help. I have a question for you. What if you call ahead of time and explain that you really want to come get help, but have this phobia. See if a hospital social worker could be waiting for you as soon as you walk in the door. Maybe just call the hospital and ask for a social worker. I know it's hard, but I really feel if you could face these fears and get some medical treatment it would make a huge difference in the quality of your life.
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Old 12-03-2018, 11:08 AM   #308 (permalink)
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Hey Davey, how is it going. Hope you check in soon and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 12-04-2018, 08:38 AM   #309 (permalink)
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I don't know if this is valid but a friend posted on FB, thought I would share in the event you would be comfortable with this...

Did you know that if you text HOME to 741741 when you are feeling depressed or suicidal, a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you? Many people, especially younger people, don't like talking on the phone and would feel much more comfortable texting. This is a free service for anyone.
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Old 01-26-2019, 03:23 PM   #310 (permalink)
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Hi Davey, you haven't posted in quite a while, hope you are doing well, it would be great if you could check in and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 05-06-2019, 06:34 PM   #311 (permalink)
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I just wanted to post to let everyone here know I'm still alive. Things are pretty good right now all things considered. I have a much more positive outlook on life. I have addressed some of my problems and I'm working to get them all resolved.

I have cleaned myself up and showered, and have cleaned up the house. I got rid of just about all the wine boxes that I was hoarding and I will get rid of the rest of them as soon as I can. There's only about 40 of them left now.

It was about a month ago and I was just totally out of clothes, towels, and just everything. I haven't done laundry in almost 3 years. I wanted to do laundry but I needed quarters for the machines here, so I walked to the bank and Brooks Pharmacy to get change. And then I walked to the bank and Brooks a few more times. I also started walking around the school across the street. I was walking a couple miles a day up until a week ago. I'm still very weak and I tire easily and very short of breath right now.

I went to the eye doctor on Friday it was about a quarter mile from my house. I should have my glasses either tomorrow or Wednesday. And I'm going to the registry to get my license. I also bought a 98 Jeep Cherokee in great condition for $700. Put a battery in it and changed the O2 sensors and fixed the fuel line and everything else seems good. I'm into the Jeep now for just about $900.

I'll be looking to sell the Jeep in the next month or so because I can make a few hundred on it at least and put that towards a newer vehicle. I need to get a newer vehicle 2004 or newer so I can drive for Uber or Lyft. When I picked up the Jeep Friday I used Lyft. and I talked to the girl that picked me up and she was Kerry and we just had a normal conversation.

Some of my old problems and just my personality will never change. When I set my mind to something I just have to do it instantly. And if I can't do it instantly it causes severe anxiety. I'm very obsessed with getting things done once I think I can do it. I still haven't been to a doctor or dentist yet, I set my mind to getting to them but I can't force myself. I'm not even sure if that makes sense.

And now it has been about six days or so and I just haven't felt like eating. The weakness and out of breath feeling has increased over the past few days. I have been eating every day but I have to force myself. I know I'm on a high right now and I'm afraid I'm going to crash real hard. The breathing difficulty comes and goes but it is pretty severe. Severe enough that it has kept me from going for a walk around the school.

I have to get to the registry probably Wednesday. Just thinking of getting to the registry is causing all kinds of severe anxiety. I know my anxiety is pretty bad right now, so it could be because of all these thoughts of doing things I have to do but I'm afraid to do.

The biggest thing I need to do though is just to get to a doctor. But this is the most difficult thing for me to do. Even with a better outlook on life this is next to impossible. And my liver is probably not as bad as I think it is. There is certainly a health problem going on though that I have to address. It could be a vitamin deficiency, anemia, cancer, or just something easily treatable. I have been trying to convince myself to get to a clinic or something but haven't been able to get there yet.

Last edited by daveycrockett; 05-06-2019 at 06:37 PM. Reason: Mistake
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Old 05-06-2019, 07:43 PM   #312 (permalink)
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Hey Davey, so glad you posted! So many positive things in your life right now too. The walks, the laundry, buying a vehicle and about to get your license and even getting to the eye doctor for glasses, what tremendous things.

I'm happy for you.

Sorry you are facing a bit of a downturn this week, remember though that you have faced these before and rebounded and it is temporary. The dentist and doctor will still be there when you are ready to do that.

I'm glad you are forcing yourself to eat. Do you have any history of asthma at all? When you do get to the Doctor perhaps they will give you an inhaler to try, that might bring a lot of relief. Your confidence is growing and eventually you will see to this.

Anyway, do try to keep good thoughts of all you are accomplishing - oh and the cleaning up and laundry too, amazing.
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Old 05-07-2019, 05:54 AM   #313 (permalink)
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I'm glad to hear from you and thank you for the update, what a tremendous amount of progress you've made, those are some giant steps to take.

I do understand the ongoing anxiety, sometimes I find that the only way to get through an action I'm anxious about is to just put my head down and plow through it.

Keep posting here, I hope it helps.
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