Astro

If you really feel that way I hope you will reach out for help, even out of desperation if that's what it takes. Your posts are clear and lucid, I don't believe you are hopeless, we can all be saved but must simply ask for help. How about it?

I've got the smoker fired up, 10 trout and a turkey breast that I'll seal and freeze. It's incredibly hot here but the pool is refreshing and I've got a lot of minor chores to keep me busy. This is a good life, and there are good people to enjoy it with. God's plan is not for us to live and die alone, I believe He wants us to have prosperous relationships.

trailmix

I'm sorry to hear you are still feeling so low. You know that's the depression talking right?

It's like the alcoholic voice they talk of, it's not right thinking. I know it SEEMS like it because it's in your head and that's where you are at right now, but with help you wouldn't feel or think that way.

Highs and lows. When you hit one of those highs, what's that like? Do you feel more confident? Do you feel like you could reach out? Have a shower? Go to a walk in clinic for help?

What would help? Would it help if your Son called that number that you can't? Would it help it someone else intervened?

When you think of help, what does that look like? Does someone show up at your door? Do you go to them?

daveycrockett

I know asking for help is what I should do. But I just can't. I'm 58 now and have had extreme anxiety since I was five, at least that is my earliest memory. I do feel totally hopeless. I suppose fifty plus years of anxiety did me in. I know I could of had a good life if not for mental illness. I looked out the door at the deck and saw a few fireworks. I thought about sitting out there but just had no desire to.

Did you catch the trout? I have eaten a lot of fish but never had trout. I never really liked eating fresh water fish. I just liked to catch and release large mouths and pickerel. Also caught a bunch of calicos and perch. My faith in God is pretty much not existent.

daveycrockett

It is definitely depression. I have absolutely no happiness or joy in my life. I tried getting help for many years and I never got the help or counseling I needed.

When I get a high I think of all the things I could possibly do. I think of working on trucks with my son. I think of fishing and just doing all the things I used to do. I probably do feel more confident and I actually feel some motivation at times. I think my mind wants me to be able to things. I can only reach out to someone I know. I know I can take a shower. I also have a huge fear of doing things differently. I don't like to change my routine and never did.

I think of my son constantly. I do reach out to him but he just blows me off. Again I have been calling him and he doesn't answer or call me back for several days. I know it isn't possible but help to me is having family and friends that care. When I'm gone I won't be missed and that is very obvious. A few months ago I donated my body to Brown University. No one I know wants to see me alive and they wont will see me dead either.

trailmix

Those "highs" sound like normal thoughts to me. The mind does heal, slowly. It is possible that's what is happening here. You haven't been drinking for a while and perhaps your mind is starting to get to a better place. You also mention perhaps feeling some confidence.

These are all great things. Although the down might outweigh the up right now, there are those better times and it's good to remember them when things aren't going so well. You won't always feel like this.

58 is not that old! There is hope and please don't forget all the progress you have made over the last few months.

Do it anyway. Scared of something? Do it anyway. This could be your new mantra? Now i'm not saying you will be dashing out the door tomorrow, but you are going to have to push yourself. Not because sitting out on the deck tomorrow will make you feel better instantly or have any real immediate effect (although it might) but because you are trying to heal your mind you need to expose it to different things don't you think?

You can heal but you are going to have to force yourself to make some changes, baby steps, moving forward. If you want to change your mind you are going to have to give it a little help.

Can you do that?

trailmix

This is something that will perhaps come with time and with more healing. I assume your son has a job and a family of his own? Life can get hectic and dealing with someone who has mental illness is not easy! You know this, I know this.

For the most part you just need to look our for numero uno (you!) right now. Try to stay focused on that and what you will have as you go forward.

When you do see him, If you have to - fake it, fake the smiles and the happiness. You have plenty of time to be sad/flat when no one else is around.

For me, when someone would visit I would just pull it together for that time. It was a strain, if someone came over for a 4 hour visit, that was pushing my endurance at smiling lol

You said one time you were glad I shook my demons, Well to be honest it took a few years and I didn't do that much. I also didn't reach out for help at that point (couldn't). What I did do was keep on keeping on to the best of my ability. While that might mean only cleaning one table a day, or vacuuming one rug, well that was an achievement. Walking to the end of the block and back - an achievement.

Did I beat myself up about it? Every day, until I realized that was pointless, what did it accomplish, exactly nothing.

Healing takes TIME - it can be annoying and we get impatient but it's the truth. All you can do in the meantime is move forward and keep on doing what you have been, not drinking and trying to eat as well as you can, please try to keep the calories up - if that means eating doritos when you don't feel like it - well think of it as medicine.

Astro

Yes, I caught the trout on a camping trip last week. I love eating all fish, freshwater or saltwater, cooked just about any way or even sushi!

You're already reaching out by posting here, and 58 is not too old, it's never too late to recover. I'm 54, while I sometimes dread and dwell on mortality too much I know that I may have many good years ahead of me and I'm going to make the best of them, I do it for me mainly but also because I want to be around for those I love. How about getting out and making friends if you feel that's what you need? You don't have to have a faith or belief in God to get started.

daveycrockett

My thoughts are all over the place. I think I am actually scared to sit outside. I'm afraid someone might see me. God forbid somebody talks to me. If I do sit out it will be after dark though. I can't heal my mind but I do think it is possible to get back to my old self. I really hate being like this. I'm fed up and disgusted with myself. I can do things and I'll try to force myself to do them.

My son has a good job at Electric Boat. He has no family but does have a girlfriend who I never met. I would love to be functional again. I almost said normal but I have never been normal. It is difficult to deal with someone with mental illness but I don't think it is any more difficult than any other illness. I have never been a burden on anyone and never asked any family or friends for help with my struggles.

I faked happiness my entire life just about. Whenever I did anything I had to fake a lot of my emotions. I know what you mean about having someone over, I did the same thing. When I was married I managed to go on vacation a few times to 1000 Acre Ranch in upstate NY. Most people would look forward to this vacation but I looked forward to it being over. I couldn't wait to get back home. I would rather be home and working than driving four hours.

Doing one little thing at a time does help and does work. I'm gonna try to a accomplish something today. I took out a couple bags of trash yesterday and that was a chore. I only took it out because it smelled from empty meat packaging. I was exhausted from doing that. I'm eating as much as I can. I have to force myself to eat but I am at least eating and drinking a lot. I don't desire Fritos but it seems like I want sweet things.

daveycrockett

Now that I think of it I was sober for several years before going on vacation. I was panicking terribly at the ranch and did what I know would calm me down. I went to the saloon and drank heavily. I left the house sober but returned home drinking again.

daveycrockett

That's a good catch. Were you fishing a river or a lake? How were the trout? I bet they were delicious. What else do you eat with trout? The only camping I did was on the docks and on my boats .

It has always been extremely difficult for me to make friends. I read in another post where someone mentioned autism and asperges. I always thought I was autistic or had asperges to some extent. I am actually Intelligent and was always good at solving and doing complicated things. I sometimes didn't understand simple things but could do calculus, trigonometry, and computer engineering math. I don't want to live for myself but want to live for others. I think I have a desire to be wanted by others.

trailmix

To have friends you have to be really trusting, I mean true friends. That's not always easy, but will come with time.

It's interesting, on the one hand you say But you also say Is that the way you talk to someone who is disabled? Who has the flu? Broken arm?

I don't think so. That's what I mean. While mental illness really is no different you certainly treat it differently. You put yourself down are disgusted with yourself. Is that any way to treat yourself? No, it's downright mean really.

Do you think you can muster some compassion for yourself?

The reason I think this is important is that being so hard on yourself really gets you nowhere. How can you build up a positive world view if you are always being so unkind to yourself. You can't.

You took the garbage out yesterday, that's great and an achievement!

Sitting on the deck at night is a great idea too. Yes, I understand you don't want anyone to talk to you, completely get that. Maybe take your phone out with you or a book (if there is any light out there) and if you see someone approaching, look unapproachable.

Reading in the dark just looks weird lol

If you want to be disgusted, get disgusted with that fearful voice that says you can't do this or that. Tell it oh yes I will. I will clean that table, I will sit out on that deck once a day, I will watch something funny on TV and laugh!

It can't stop you.

daveycrockett

I was very trusting of the three best friends I had. I knew them for 50 years, 30 years, and 25 years. I was told by one that I was like a brother. He was correct because he abandoned me just like my blood brother did. So over the past 25 years I made no new friends.

I don't think of it as being mean to myself I'm just being honest with myself. Other people don't have the right to be abusive to me but that's what they did. I'm disgusted at what I have become. Not talking to someone or not acknowledging them or not returning phone calls is bullying. All the people I have ever known are bullies and narcissists. I do have compassion for myself maybe but I wish others at least had a hint of compassion.

I watch DVDs all day long. I watch sitcoms and comedies but never laugh. I don't have anything that brings me any joy. I'm not at all pleased about that. My depression is so extreme that it is anhedonia. I could turn the light on to read but that would attract attention if anything. I'll probably do what you said and use the phone.

I am disgusted with that voice. The thing is that voice could be right. I fought it for years and now the voice and the anxiety disease may have won. I do have glimmers of hope sometimes. I did say I get some highs but even they become fewer and fewer.

Astro

I caught the trout on the West Fork of the Little Colorado River in Greer, AZ. I smoked all 10 of them, 2 I'm giving to a friend, they've all been sealed and frozen. I have a recipe for trout stuffed red potatoes that I'm going to try with a couple and will experiment with the rest.

Recovery from anxiety, isolation, and depression for me started with a walk to a local high school track. I walked in circles around the track until a thunderstorm started, and then walked home in the rain. Then I started taking bicycle rides again, it was miserably hot but I loved how energetic it made me feel. Then I went to a coffee shop and sat outside and soaked up sunlight, a person recognized me from AA meetings and it shocked me in a pleasant way when they said hello. I started going back to AA meetings regularly and conversing with people, and my life began to change. It hasn't stopped changing positively in over 13 years.

I am always looking for joy, and there is an abundance of it available when I open myself up to it. I used to cook as a hobby when I drank, and now I just enjoy the fact that I can actually taste and appreciate my cooking sober!

trailmix

Yes. Mine started with a walk across the street. I live across from a large park. There is big hill in the middle. I walked out there and climbed up the hill then just stood there for a while.

Went down the hill then home.

Then I started walking. A few blocks down the street. Then a little further, then about a mile round trip. I did this pretty much every evening or night.

This doesn't sound like much but for me it was HUGE.

Baby steps. I had to keep testing my limits.

I did all this alone - it was my thing, it built my confidence back up and it was actually fun (bit scary too mind you).

But the first thing was crossing the street.

daveycrockett

Smoked trout does sound good. I never had any fish that was smoked. We used to filet a striper then grill it with onions and tomatoes.

I live right across the street from the high school. There's a walking track, football field, and baseball field. I used to walk the track a lot. I know I can't walk too far but I'm gonna try to go outside for just a short walk. The weather is nice today low humidity and about 80.

I did always look for joy and happiness and I did find some. Happiness has always been difficult for me to find. Maybe I'll find some again. I did enjoy cooking at one time and some baking too. I still don't have much appetite so haven't cooked much.

daveycrockett

I'd rather have a park across the street instead of a school but the school grounds are pretty nice. I went outside and threw a bag of trash in the dumpster then walked a few hundred feet. It's a start I guess. I tried starting my truck but it wouldn't turn over. The battery is dead. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to start it with the jump box. The truck is filthy from all the trees and the weather. That was depressing to see. I don't know what to do. I feel all spacey and my head is in like a heavy fog.

Astro

I can identify with the spacey feeling and a head full of fog, to me it felt like cobwebs on the brain. It did lift eventually for me, the more I occupied my mind with happiness, fresh air, and tasks, the less foggy I felt.

trailmix

Doesn't surprise me at all that you feel physically unwell. Being at home all the time is a drag to the mind, spirit and body for sure.

That's why those little steps are so important. At first it might not have any huge lasting effect. For me it did though.

See that's a perfect start, a few weeks ago you couldn't and wouldn't do that. Yes, I know it probably seems like small potatoes but honestly it is not. I'm not trying to be all cheerful here btw, I just hope you see your progress like we do.

So what you know now is that you can go out and walk a few hundred feet. In fact you know you could do that every day now. Some days it might only be 5 feet, that's not failure, it's all progress.

Sorry about your truck, did you get it started after all?

daveycrockett

I constantly have a foggy and spacey head. Sometimes it is worse than others. Over the past many years I have had that feeling on and off. I think the constant anxiety does that. Last night I had weird visual disturbances with light flashes.

daveycrockett

Yes being home and isolated so much really messes with the mind. I do sometimes have a desire to do things. My son told me had a fire on the fourth. I would like to sit around a fire and talk to him. But he obviously doesn't want a close relationship.

I didn't go for a walk or try to start the truck today. I did stand on the deck for a while though. It is a beautiful day. I am better than I was a few weeks ago but have a long way to go. I do look at these baby steps as progress.