daveycrockett

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. You asked about cravings and I actually was craving tacos today, so I ordered all the stuff for tacos. I also wanted ice cream too. My kitchen sink and counter was a mess so I cleaned some too. Just a few days ago I couldn't stand long enough to do that.

Forward12

Any work on calling the local health department?

trailmix

Great idea, tacos are so good. Do you eat them with sour cream?

That's also great about the kitchen sink and counter as well. You will be ready when the food does arrive.

I think now that you are eating and your strength is coming back you will find you are not so overwhelmed. You are worth taking care of and I hope you know that.

daveycrockett

I didn't have any luck calling anyone. Everyone I did talk to just referred me to someone else. It is really hard to get help for mental illness when you are on Medicare.

I love tacos with sour cream but that's the one thing I forgot to order. I was reading on line today about how to make it. I think I'm gonna try to make it from milk. First I have to make heavy cream from milk then I have to make sour cream from the heavy cream.

I didn't eat as much yesterday as I have been. I feel hungry and full at the same time. That's another reason I think my liver is affected by the alcohol use. But maybe I am just bloated from not eating for so long, I don't know.

trailmix

I think any time we change our routine the body takes a little while to get in to line with what we are up to, eating too much or too little or even exercise.

Smaller meals several times a day might be a way to ease yourself back in to a regular routine.

Let us know how that sour cream turns out!

daveycrockett

Just thought I'd let you all know that I'm eating good, and have been eating about 2000 calories a day for the past three days. I have been eating almost constantly but in small portions. I'm continuing to get stronger every day and the nausea is gone. I was gonna try to make sour cream but I lack the ambition. I put another order together for delivery tomorrow and I ordered a couple sour creams. I also ordered all the stuff for banana splits. Anxiety, depression, and OCD are constant.

trailmix

hey davey, I'm glad you wrote. So glad to hear you are feeling better, at least in some ways.

I know it can take some time for the body to get back on some kind of even keel and as you have experienced with eating again you are having improvement there every day, as you said, look how far you have come.

Some things, especially with the brain can take a longer time. As I'm sure you already know, sometimes we need assistance with that, whether that's an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication or both, which I'm sure you Dr can discuss with you.

When you are up to it.

Right now you are hanging in there and taking care of yourself and that's amazing right there.

I don't blame you about the sour cream lol - seems to me I looked up that process once too when I didn't have any and I decided it was way too much work.

Maybe now that you are feeling stronger and if the weather is nice where you are you can go for short walks? Are you able to leave the house?

daveycrockett

I can definitely say that the brain does get affected. My head is still foggy. I was on Klonopin for about sixteen years and then I tapered off them. I was also on several different antidepressants. I listened to my psychiatrist and was on a very high dose of Zoloft, coming off Zoloft was worse than coming off Klonopin.

Making sour cream was definitely too much work. I ordered two and they're good til the middle of July. I also like sour cream on a baked potato.

I can leave the house, just a couple months ago was going outside a few times a day. I don't feel confident enough yet to go for a walk. I also try my best to avoid people.

Astro

Good to hear you can leave the house. As I was tapering off meds years ago I found that being outdoors did wonders to help me feel whole and alive. When I tried sitting outside at a café and smiled at people as they passed it opened up a new world for me.

trailmix

Ah yes, baked potatoes. I haven't had one in a while. Did have pizza last night though! Good stuff.

I agree with Astro, getting outside is a good idea. Even if you only sit outside for half an hour a day. It changes your perspective and a bit of sunshine is good for all (vitamin D and all that).

I understand avoiding people, I did that for quite a few years. Fear, it's a trap for sure.

The way out is to push the boundaries. A couple of weeks ago you couldn't fathom eating right or clearing anything in your place. Now you are looking up recipes for sour cream and cleared off your kitchen counter a bit.

You're stronger than you even know, I can tell.

So maybe 5 mins of sunshine today, might lift your spirits and reduce your anxiety a bit, it's worth it for that.

daveycrockett

I have a small deck and I used to sit out there often, and I used to walk everyday. I have been struggling a lot the past couple days. I'm both physically and mentally exhausted. All I can do is my best and I am 12 days sober and twelve days eating.

Baked potatoes, vegetables, and some chicken, steak, or pork chops are my favorite meals. Pizza is good and Domino's has gluten free pizza and it's good. I didn't make my tacos yet but might make them today.

My entire life has been about pushing the boundaries and exceeding them. I know I have to do it again but I am really feeling extreme despair. I diagnose myself all the time an I'm doing it again. My depression is more like Anhedonia than the typical depression. I have said it before, that I do need someone in my life.

ThomPom

Yes, understood. But what really counts is taking baby steps towards it. Things are doable, and the barriers are between our ears.

I am no expert on depression and the like, but you can take the shoertcut b getting someone to help you with that. As far as I understand, Anhedonia may have different causes.

Besides professional help, heading towards a heathy lifestyle, for instance walking thru the woods, being active will support your progress.

What I am sayin is, that you should find a way to take baby steps of action each day and do something that helps you. If you can manage, I am sure in a couple of month you will thank youself.

Keep the progress up!

trailmix

Hi Davey,

Yeah I completely understand where you are coming from. Coping at this point is harder than it sounds, I know. You can't keep yourself busy all the time and doing things that you just DO NOT want to do seems like a mountain rather than a mole hill.

I really get it.

As I said I know you are strong and that isn't some kind of placating statement. I know because you are trying. I know because you did make that choice to make phone calls and you did start eating and you put down the alcohol.

Any of those things on their own right now are huge. I get it.

When those thoughts come, when you are self-diagnosing and that pain in your elbow means your arm is going to fall off, just remember that it's not the case. You are going to have to train your brain to move on from those thoughts, read a book for 10 minutes, watch some mindless sitcom and keep dragging your mind back to it.

You do need other people in your life and that's really what you are working toward as well? Whether that would be AA meetings or spending more time with your Son or making new friends through something like meet-up. There is no reason you can't have people in your life but the path you are on now is going to lead you there. Just takes a bit of time.

Life is full of happy things, I know you know this. Find those things. If that's 5 minutes on the deck today, that's what it is. Think of it as healing your mind, because that is what you are doing really. It's no different than if you broke your arm and were going for therapy. Just takes a bit longer but it's so worth it. You probably might need outside help to completely overcome this, but for now, just taking care of yourself is what you CAN do and you are.

Now, the 5 minutes on the deck isn't probably going to make you feel better today, as you said everything is flat feeling. That's depression, as you know and it's not the "real" you. I'm sure you used to be a guy who could tell a joke and enjoy hearing others laugh.

Now you look at your lot in life and say how the hell did I get here? Well, that's the time to practice a little gratefulness.

You have roof over your head and a warm place to sleep each night. You have a Son who loves you (he may be struggling a bit but he loves you). You have food on the table and an ability to prepare it (that's talent right there). Do you know how many people can't even prepare their own food! You care enough to, you care about yourself.

Maybe you aren't ready to push any boundaries as you had them before right now, that's ok, you can give yourself a break on that you know.

While what you are doing now may seem like small potatoes (baked!) in comparison to what you have done before, really it's the same thing. The boundaries you have are no less real and they are no less hard to push back on. But you are! That's courage.

You are doing amazingly well, keep on keeping on. Do something nice for yourself today, anything. Have a spot in the house that has been annoying you (like maybe the coffeetable in the living room is full of junk?) get a garbage bag and throw that stuff out and wipe the table and eat your dinner in front of the tv!

Tomorrow when you wake up and see that table you can say - I don't have to deal with that today.

Small steps, one day at a time. Maybe you are feeling too flat to appreciate how far you have come but i see it. Your post actually made me smile.

Hang in there.

trailmix

Speaking of food, I am thinking of BBQing something tonight but it's going to be hot. First it's snow now it's too hot! BBQing will probably have to wait until it cools down tomorrow.

My fav for summer dinner is chicken breast and salad, I broil a couple of taco shells in the oven then crumple them over the salad. Put salsa and salad dressing (usually Ranch) on and have sour cream on the side. Sometimes i'll add an avocado. Not a huge avocado fan but it's good for you lol - and I am starting to like them more and more.

I really like guacamole and the mixes they have now are mostly terrific. One mix usually calls for 2 avocados and then just add the mix and squish it! I've tried the dry mix and the liquid that comes in a pouch and both are really good.

Forward12

Simply pick up the phone, the amounts of care is waiting for you!

daveycrockett

I agree that things are doable. I wish I had more ambition and energy. I have actually been thinking about being at the beach late afternoon and then watch the sunset. I also used to like to fish and have been thinking about fishing too. It is one thing to think about doing things and actually doing things. My lifestyle has been unhealthy for a long time. I am definitely taking steps in the right direction, slow and steady progress works for me.

daveycrockett

Just coping can definitely be very difficult with depression. I know I have made small accomplishments but I'm grateful for even them at this time. A bunch of small accomplishments will hopefully turn into big accomplishments.

I do read things but mostly online at this time. I was always a reader and have read many books and many magazine and newspaper articles. All I do now is watch TV and play chess online. I don't have cable but I have many DVDs. I like Everybody Loves Raymond, Tool Time, and Two and a Half Men, I have all the DVDs from those sitcoms.

I'm actually a decent cook. I used to cook and bake many things. I make an excellent cheese cake just haven't made one in years. I haven't sat outside yet but I will very soon. I finally made the tacos and they were delicious. I ate four. Lunch tomorrow might be a banana split.

Having people in your life and having human contact is necessary for a good healthy lifestyle. My son is busy working and enjoying his life. He did ask me to go look at a truck he is interested in buying. I''m trying to motivate myself to do that.

I'm trying my best to be hopeful and positive but this too is very difficult. Five minutes on the deck will turn to ten and then a half hour and that for me is the stepping stone of going for a walk.

I have a roof over my head now but if I don't do something about my situation that will change. I need help with that and my son is trying to help me sell my camper so I can pay my back taxes. This condo is up for tax auction and that is a cause of much anxiety.

I have cleaned some but there is more to do. I literally have my spare bedroom filled with empty wine boxes, cases of beer, and liquor bottles. There are several hundred hundred wine boxes alone. I'm also angry with myself because everyone here got new windows, sliding doors, and central air. I didn't because I couldn't allow anyone in my condo because of the mess.

daveycrockett

A barbecue sounds good. I always enjoyed cooking on the grill. Chicken breast and salad is good. I made three small chicken breast salads the other day and put shredded cheddar cheese on them. They were good. I haven't made a salad with tacos and I haven't tried a salad with salsa but I'll have to try that. With a salad with chicken I sometimes use ranch dressing I also put on barbecue sauce, it's a good mix.

I have never eaten an avocado and never tried guacamole. Isn't guacamole made with avocados? Guacamole just never appealed to me. There are some foods I say I don't like but to be fair I never tried them.

daveycrockett

I know getting help is possible but I have that tremendous fear of calling someone for help. It is something I think about every day. I have to do it though.

trailmix

Yes guacamole is made with avocados and was really the only way I would eat them at first because I also didn't care for them much, or at least thought I didn't. Then I tried one on its own. Can't say I thought it was great but the more I eat them the more I like them, go figure!

Yes, small steps, as I said before, your progress over the last few weeks has been huge.

You know one thing that helps is to break things down in to small tasks. Like the wine cases etc. It doesn't have to be one BIG job, if you put one wine case and one case of bottles in a garbage bag every few days and throw them away, eventually they will all be gone! I know you look at it and probably think welllllllllllll if I just got to it I could just clean the whole thing etc etc - we all do that sometimes, but there is nothing wrong with breaking it down.

Just think, two weeks ago you would not have had the energy to do that, or to cook. Now look where you are, that's pretty amazing.

I encourage you to go look at the truck with your Son. Even if it sounds completely unappealing, even if you let him know you might not get out of the vehicle to actually look - go along for the ride. Gives you two a chance to talk and it's part of healing yourself. You want human interaction and it just got offered to you, take it, enjoy your hours out with him, he will understand if you don't want to get out and chat to the seller.