I still don't have the ability to get help for myself. I just can't call the GP or my Gastroenterologist. I'm trying my best to do things but can only do limited things at this time.
This is truly a vicious circle that I'm trapped in. Depression and anxiety feed off of loneliness and isolation. Depression, social anxiety, addiction, and loneliness all go together. The loneliness causes depression and depression causes loneliness.
I've been a loner for all of my life. Always had difficulty making friends. I need someone in my life but I honestly know I can't make a new friend. In my entire life I only had a few friends. I could really use my son in my life but he doesn't want that. I called him four days in a row and he doesn't answer or call back. That just proves to me that I don't matter and I am expendable.
No calls for my birthday a couple weeks ago or for fathers day. On the last Thanksgiving I didn't see anyone, no invites and no calls either. Then on the Saturday night after Thanksgiving my son came by with my ex wife. I called her later and she got upset because I questioned why on Thanksgiving can my son go see everyone he knows but can't even call his father. This is why she won't talk to me anymore. This has just been on my mind.
I told my son a week ago that I was feeling stronger. I actually said I know I'm not gonna live to be a hundred but I could live another ten or twenty years. I told him I want him in my life and that we can do things again. I told him that he should come by and we could watch a movie and order pizza or Chinese. I did get through to him last night and I told him I've been calling him and he tells stories about how he didn't have his phone with him. And then while he paused and was thinking up more excuses. I just said no big deal and I just wanted to talk. I have no clue how to get him into my life or just get anyone in my life.
I have honestly been thinking about sitting out on the deck. I know I'll do that but I just don't really care if I do or not. I know It can only help though. I used to buy rotisserie chicken all the time. The market had buy one get one free on Thursdays. I like the convenience and I buy bags of salad too. I think rotisserie chicken is good food.