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AVRT to cope with emotional binge eating

Old 06-28-2013, 11:28 AM
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Hey

Doing alright today. Stepping out of spinning thoughts, that's just the "old" me, controlled by the "beasty". The eating is slowly improving, realizing certain foods, set me off on a binge. Most are not necessary for my happiness or survival. I plan to continue on, knowing the goal is not so much perfection, as comfort with who I am at this time of my life. This comfort, for me comes from not being "controlled" by what is meant to nourish. So, I am stepping put of my "comfort zone" to become comfortable with my true self.

M.B. Boxing is fun, I've only experience it through classes a few years ago, never used gloves, just learned a few combinations. Really it was to get a good work-out. Whew, it was quite intense and only a beginning class. I admire those who seriously commit to the sport. With your dedication you'll be even more "bad" than you already are.

Jeni: Is school out yet? Give a shout out when you can
Everyone have a positive, fun weekend
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Old 06-28-2013, 12:19 PM
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Hi guys, I'm here. All is well.

No, schools not out Bloss. Our summer break is way shorter than in the US. We don't finish until the end of July.

The boxing sounds awesome and so do you MB. Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is certainly getting results in terms of positivity. Your confidence almost leaps off the screen! X

Bloss, you too. Being comfortable with your true self is fantastic x

Not much to report with me really...I'm a non-drinking, non-smoking badass who is just very tired and a bit jaded after a loooong week at work. Looking forward to curling up with a good book this evening. Doesn't sound very badass I know....but I like the quiet life these days.

Be well my friends xxx
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Old 06-29-2013, 11:34 AM
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Enjoy the weekend pals
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Old 06-29-2013, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by jeni26
Doesn't sound very badass I know....but I like the quiet life these days.
au contraire...there is nothing more badass than being true to yourself.
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Old 07-01-2013, 10:43 AM
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Hi, pals.

Feeling somewhat too low today.

I am tired. Sometimes the guiding light at the end of the tunnel disappears and I find myself in total darkness, as if my goals and dreams had mislead me.

And for some reason feel very lousy after the shot of anesthesia at the dentist's. Never had problems with that.

I keep asking myself - where's the borderline between chasing your dreams and nursing chimeras?

Sorry for the rant.

The bright side is - I don't give up to the Beast, though it tries its tricks on me. But he is till good at biting off pieces of my confidence.

It's a hard job to be a badass. But it's worth it.

Hope, you are doing fine, my pals.

I'll see you tomorrow. With better mood. I promise. I have to me in better mood.

I've been quite busy these days - I got a new project, and started online education classes where I do a lot of homework. So not much time to write long posts now.

But what I noticed that when I don't post here, I lose my inspiration in other areas. So, I have to find a way to allocate time for this, I think.

Have a good day)
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Old 07-01-2013, 01:56 PM
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Some days we feel low, but never give in to "beast". No matter the form it appears as. The other day mine was a beverage I used to drink prior to becoming sober. I almost started a conversation with the "voice", then I closed it down quickly, (I refuse to negotiate).


Hope the online courses are interesting M.B.

Have a super Monday all
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Old 07-01-2013, 10:26 PM
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Hi badass pals,

I, too, am very busy at the moment. Work sort of speeds up towards the end of the academic year when my reserves are running on close to empty. Still, 16 working days to go...not that I'm counting or anything you understand.....

Life with me apart from the usual work stress is pretty good. I'm learning to stay in the moment, have gratitude for the many things in my life that are wonderful and not sweat the small stuff. I'm learning that its ok to feel whatever I feel at any given moment, and not to beat myself up or over-analyse everything. I've still got a heck of a lot of things to work on (since I quit the cigarettes, my eating habits have turned totally weird...I mean they were always bad, but now I seem to be developing some obsessive ways which most definitely need addressing!!). But hey, this is an emotional binge eating thread which I gate crashed so I'm in the right place!! And for the moment I'm just trying not to get hung up over it.

I guess I'm learning how to live without being ruled by anxiety or fear. It's strange you know, I've kinda lived like that for so long that there's a part of me that misses it...weird I know! But I can't explain how good it is to wake up every morning without that stomach churning fear hitting me as soon as I open my eyes. So so good. And for the moment I'm happy to just sit back and allow myself to feel peaceful. I might be pulling my hair out at work, but hey, that's just a job and within my power to change. Everything is within my power to change if I want to, and that brings freedom.

So MB, my friend. I guess it's ok to feel a little low. We can't always be singing from the rooftops. Allow yourself to feel it. Know it will pass. Know there are steps you can take to change it but above all, you don't allow any negotiation with the beast. You know that will make it last longer and you feel worse.

You are my badass pal. Stay close and post whenever you need to. That's what SR is for! You will move past this xxx

Hi Bloss. How are you doing? X

Have a good day everyone x
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Old 07-02-2013, 02:34 AM
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Hello All

I am day three ...read the entire AVRT book on SUnday ....I will never drink again.... I believe it but my husband has heard it all before and his negativity is really getting me down and feeding my beast.
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:26 PM
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Hi sunny. I think those people who have listened to our 'never again' speeches have good reason not to believe or trust that this time will be different. I mean who can blame them? My kids are the same with my smoking. I have made big noises before and quit numerous times for days, weeks, months at a time.

Of course, that does feed the beast.. Mine whispers 'well, they just expect it, they won't be THAT disappointed if you picked up again, it doesn't really matter' etc etc.

I dismiss those thoughts...I mean of course it matters. Drinking and smoking will kill us unless we do something about them.

Stay strong, and well done on day 3 x
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Old 07-03-2013, 10:37 AM
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Hi, pals.

I just failed a "badass test" today.

I had to send quite important documents in the morning, and something with my internet connection. I called my provider, they said that there was a line breakdown, and they will fix it in an hour. An hour was ok, so I waited. They didn't fix it in an hour. I freaked out and let my emotions got the best of me. If they told me it would take them 3 hours to fix it, I would just go to an Internet cafe or some other place and send documents.

I felt so helpless, so dependent on circumstances, so vulnerable. The Best triumphed. I passed this "event horizon" and just couldn't get control over my emotions.

Moreover I have "these days", and my emotions are bursting out.

What did I learn from it?

It's still way too early to relax. I've been feeling so good for last two weeks that I relaxed again. And the path to the true authentic Midnight is getting taken by weeds and I am losing my way again.

It takes everyday practice. It takes everyday work, one more step to the true self, never stop, never look back.

On the bright side I was at my boxing workout and I'm getting better with my technique now.

And I made a real badass manicure yesterday, here's the way it looks like)

Jeni - I hear you about "missing" anxiety and fear. There's part of me that whispers me that if I don't feel it, there's something wrong with me and I am just losing my "alertness". So I think that I sabotage myself to get this fear because it's more "useful" condition for me.

You sound so calm and confident, my friend. And, by the way, no way you gate crashed the thread, you inspired it!

Sunnyc5 - welcome! And congrats on Day 3! People often have negative attitude for some reasons. The point is that it's their attitude, and only you know what you are capable of. So, just follow your way, though sometimes it's not easy. But you can do it. Absolutely. By the way, we are "badass gang" here, so we don't let anyone's attitude to block our way and mess with our improvement.

Bloss - have a good July 4 holiday!

See you, my pals. So grateful I found you.
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Old 07-03-2013, 10:13 PM
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Beautiful hands MB...I am afraid I chew my nails and have none. One day when I'm all grown up I will have hands like yours....lol

Not sure about the calm and confident bit, more like battered and exhausted! But yeah, I'm doing really well with the smoking. Hardly a thought now, and that's despite the stress of work. Any negative thoughts I attribute to my beast, whether they relate to smoking or not... Any doubt about my ability to do my job, or to manage a difficult situation, or to deal with family issues...well that's all beast. I don't listen.

Today is a new day MB. Stand up tall. You can do this thing xxx
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Old 07-04-2013, 10:47 AM
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Some days I'm strong and knock the beast out...others I duck and cover
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Old 07-04-2013, 11:47 AM
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And which one are you feeling today Bloss? X
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Old 07-04-2013, 12:17 PM
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When it's all said and done, it doesn't matter what our AV does, or says, not a whit. That's the whole point here - it is powerless to do anything, or to make us do anything. We have a Big Plan. No engagement, no argy-bargy, no battle or fight.
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Old 07-05-2013, 01:02 PM
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True, today I'm stronger...
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Old 07-05-2013, 11:01 PM
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Ok. Under NO circumstance do I ever smoke again right?

NOTHING CAN MAKE ME GET A PACK OF CIGARETTES.

We had some devastating news yesterday. One of our friends lost his battle against cancer. His daughter and our daughter have grown up together. Our families are close. The beast is right on this. It is RIGHT ON MY BACK TODAY. H and I gave up drinking together last year too and although I didn't use AVRT for this, he sort of did although he didn't know it as such. Despite differing methods of quitting....I'm sort of using the AVRT analogy to recognise that both our beasts are coming out to play today. I don't drink. I don't smoke. H doesn't drink. AND THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS!!!!!!
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:33 AM
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You are a non- smoker Jeni...no matter what, sorry for the loss of your friend...take care of yourself
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Old 07-06-2013, 12:39 PM
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Hi, Pals.

Jeni - So sorry about your friend... Hold on... You are doing great - you don't drink, you don't smoke, you just face the life... Proud of you, my pal.

Bloss - glad you are feeling stronger today)

As for me...

I don't know what's going with me, but I messed up again. Big time.

Another issue came up here - from childhood, again - is it gonna be the end to these issues at all? I didn't pay a lot attention to it before, but now it became quite clear.

I don't want to sound as if I am whining or going on a pity pot here. I just want to look at it. I understand, there's no discussion with the Beast, but...

Anyway, let me explain. Back to my childhood there were times when money was so tight it was barely enough to buy food. And there was a short period, a week or so, when I starved. By starved I mean there was almost no food at all. It's such a humiliating feeling to feel desperately hungry. I think somewhere, in the back of my mind, still lives this fear. This illogical, irrational, burnt in my subconscious. It's crazy but still I can't refuse when I am offered food. It's like conditioned reflex - I have to eat when I have a chance to.

I still can't toss food - just can't. If I see some food is about to expire I will eat it up. I plan my grocery shopping so that I won't toss anything. Because I just can't bring myself toss food. If I have a full plate I will never leave anything - I will eat up everything. I just can't see food going to a trash bin.

Anyway, to make a long story short. This binge began on Tuesday when I was offered some nice chocolate candies. It pulled the trigger - moderation doesn't seem to work for me. I added up myself later.

Yesterday I was unexpectedly invited to the restaurant where I had cheesecake. Here we go - today I made another epic binge.

I feel so awful. I feel like I let you down, my pals. My Badass Midnight is fading and slipping away, I am holding to her tight, though.

I think I need some amendments to my Big Plan. Just a few for now:

1. I DON'T EAT SWEETS NO MORE. If moderation doesn't work for me - let it be so. No cakes, no candies, no cookies AT ALL. Because I know too well - it starts with "just one". Aha.

2. I am living one hour at a time. I've been told all my life that nothing depends on me. There are always "big people", "circumstances", anything but me. Ok, maybe. But, at least I can take care of one hour of my life. Right here. Right now.

Ok, that's for today.

Sorry, pals, for such an epic rant. I just feel so helpless, like my life is constantly slipping away and whatever I do I can't get things straight.

Anyway. I promise to myself. I promise to you, my pals - I will never do this again. The Beast is scared again. Screaming right now.

See you tomorrow)
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Old 07-06-2013, 02:23 PM
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Well, after our initial knee jerk reaction of wanting to get completely wasted today, H and I pulled our act together and have not drunk and I have not smoked. In fact I feel really quite ashamed of actually even contemplating it. Old habits die hard I guess. This is the first real loss since we got sober. But it is a loss for all of us, the kids included, and the thought now of actually being selfish enough to have abandoned them to get lost in my own private pity party seems absolutely abhorrent to me. This guy was a good friend to us all and our kids loved him as much as we did.
We spent the day together just the 4 of us, and talked and shared our memories of him. Yes it hurts but that's life.

MB-there is a lot going on for you there my friend. Childhood issues have followed me lots too, but I am really moving on from this now. Can I ask if you are getting any help, I can't remember if you mentioned counselling? My therapist told me last week that she had never worked with any victims of childhood abuse who hadn't experienced some form of issue over food. I've got to sort mine out at some point too, but I'm not even sure where to start. My issues certainly don't fall into any neat category and they are not about to kill me, so I've sort of ignored them for years.
I hear what you're saying about not wanting to throw anything away, and it's easy to see where that came from. If you've had to do without in the past, there must be a huge part of you that never wants to be in that place emotionally again. Cycles of denying yourself food, then over-indulging, followed by beating yourself up are familiar to me too. I have issues of control and I'm not even sure I'm close to facing them. Unlike you! It might be a hard battle, but you're facing it head on. Badass!

Did you look up the link to taming the feast beast? There was some really good advice there about setting limits on time, place and what you eat. I'm definitely going to do something along those lines. It might have to wait til school's out but that's only a few more weeks.

Don't beat yourself up my friend. We are so good at that. I think the plan might just need a bit of fine-tuning or refining.

You were doing great, and you can again. Don't give up xxx
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Old 07-06-2013, 02:31 PM
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P.S oh and you are not letting anyone down!!!! That's the beast whispering to you!!
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