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AVRT to cope with emotional binge eating

Old 07-06-2013, 06:17 PM
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Midnight-

I am sorry you are in pain, but my two cents.

It is amazing that you are having this emotions, really hearing them, sitting with them and struggling with them. Okay maybe you did not "use" food how you wanted to around them. To me that is not necessarily a failure but a big step forward that you felt this really old hard stuff, engaged, but came here to report on it, struggle with it and look at it.

That to me is recovery at it's finest.

I also wondered like Jeni if you have professional support. My support has been worth every penny, and for me it has been the key (on top of the other support I have received).

Therapy gave me a safe place to examine the old voices, look at them, feel them, and do something different about them.

I don't look at your post as a failure, but as a big step forward.

I also want to offer hope that I struggled for years (from six on). My eating disorder behavior was never going to kill me, but gosh is it better that I have worked on it. It is nice to be at home with me....wherever I go, and to be able to trust myself.
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post

It is amazing that you are having this emotions, really hearing them, sitting with them and struggling with them. Okay maybe you did not "use" food how you wanted to around them. To me that is not necessarily a failure but a big step forward that you felt this really old hard stuff, engaged, but came here to report on it, struggle with it and look at it.

That to me is recovery at it's finest.


I don't look at your post as a failure, but as a big step forward.
.

I totally agree. You are making huge steps forward, not backwards. No-one told us recovery from any addiction was going to be easy x
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Old 07-07-2013, 01:16 PM
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Hi, pals)

Thank you so much for your responses, encouragement and support!

Jeni - it is so hard a test for both your sobriety and non-smoking now. A loss of a close one is so painful, and you are dealing with this now. And you are much stronger than the Beast and knee reflex, my friend.

As for my battle - I have a therapist. She is really great and helped me a lot. If not for her I would be in much worse place now. Before SR she was the only person I could be open with, and who knew about almost my issues. But I've never discussed with her my food issues just because I've never seen it to be a problem. Until now. I just see now how much layers of past are hidden behind this "no problem" thing. It's like phantom continuation of my drinking which hides self-harm, self-sabotage, fear, anxiety and hell lot of other issues.


LifeRecovery - Thank you for your kind words and hope. It means a lot. You are right - I should look at it as a step forward. Steps in recovery may be painful, but they are bringing us forward.

I am not going to give up. NO WAY. I am a badass. And I don't eat sweets any more. I don't like it.

See you tomorrow)
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Old 07-07-2013, 10:13 PM
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Thinking of you MB xxx
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:39 AM
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Thank you, Jeni.

I've had my regular ultrasonography today. I am usually kind of freaking out about this - I have some issues and always expecting the worst. Usually I used to be so stressed out that drank after it. Drinking is out of question now, but I didn't "sweet over" it either. And had just coffee, without anything.

It was ok overall, but I need some extra examination because there's something that concerned the Doc. Not pleasant but I am facing it. Sober. Not binging over it. Though a little bit nervous.

So grateful for the support I have here.

Hope you day was ok, my Badass pal)

See you later)
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Old 07-08-2013, 11:56 AM
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So glad to have a place to share and not let anyone down. Glad you are doing well Jeni and M.B., hope all is well on the medical front. When I read the pain felt here, it brings tears to my eyes. I've felt really alone, never shared about much about how "food" and later "alcohol" were my ways of dealing with my "stuff". Not so hard for me to admit the drink was a problem, don't want to give up my "food". Have to eat, some days I don't even want to put a bite in my mouth, because then I'm off to the races. I also realize there are just certain foods, I can't eat in moderation. Anyway, have a good day all, helps to know sharing bad and good days, doesn't mean failure.
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:01 PM
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Hey Bloss, good to hear from you.

No failure here, just a sharing of stories on the path to recovery. Addiction of any sort likes to isolate us from support.

Stay close xxx

MB-I hope your medical stuff goes ok and the docs have some answers. Remember being worried about this sort of thing is natural. We're all human. It's how we deal with these things in a healthy way that is important. And I know how strong you are. Real strength comes from walking through fear remember? Lots of love to my badass pal xxx
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Old 07-09-2013, 12:23 PM
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Hi, pals.

I honestly don't know what's happening to me. Honestly. Another binge, and as if the Bease laughing into my face: "See, I told you, you are doomed".

I feel like I am falling down and can't stop. Like I've lost grip of everything Badass I've gained during this two months. and my past is catching me up, swallowing and overshadowing.

And I honestly don't understand why my personality is so split. Why I can easily drag myself to the gym 6 times a week, be a badass when driving and supervising the department, and, at the same time be so scared of other people. And every day I face the same problem, and sometimes when I seem to see improvement, I am back to the initial point again.

I am at a loss. Where's that weak link that screws up all. Why I am so easily manipulated. Why there is always a dark cloud covering all the horizons and hiding the perspective?

I am so f$$d up. I am close to giving up.

Ok, I am close, but I am not going to. Maybe, it's a breaking point, the darkest hour before the dawn.

I need a good sleep. And tomorrow I will be again a brand new Badass. With a couple extra pounds, but still a Badass.

See you, pals.
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Old 07-09-2013, 01:41 PM
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Hey you ,

I'm hearing such a lot of self-sabotage going on here.

It's hard to look at the past, to analyse and to remember sometimes. It hurts. Maybe you should try and think what exactly you're responsible for and what you're not. Things that happen to us as kids, as we're growing up, well that isn't down to us. None of it. Other people were in charge then, it was their job to keep us safe. Things that other people say about us or to us, what other people think of us, is also beyond our control. We can change our responses to that. We can choose to forgive or forget. But we can't change the words once they're spoken.

As for living a double life, there's plenty of us do that. I have a job where I take a lot of responsibility, I chair meetings with a wide range of professionals, I liaise between parents and teachers, I manage difficult personnel issues....and if you met me in a professional capacity you would believe in me. I'm really quite convincing....but inside I'm a mass of conflicting anxieties and worries. I set high standards for myself, impossibly high actually, then beat myself up when I fail. I feel like a child emotionally quite a lot of the time. Or did. I know in the past couple of months I have started to feel much more confident, and I think that has come through that 'walking through fear' stuff I've been doing. That and some pretty intense therapy which is helping me so much.

Cut yourself a little slack here MB. Maybe your beast isn't laughing in your face that you've eaten the wrong food, but he will delight in thinking he's breaking your spirit. Don't even go there.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be well. And you can achieve both those things. I know it xxx

And I'm sorry that probably makes no sense at all, I've just done a 14 hour day at work without a break and my brain is totally frazzled.
Feel free to ignore xxx
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Old 07-09-2013, 01:53 PM
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Thank you, Jeni)

No way I will ignore! Your frazzled brain makes a lot of sense, and I can relate to setting impossibly high standards and beating myself up for not meeting them.

And you are so right about things what we can't change, and it's our call how to react.

And I totally agree I should cut slack a little bit - change my tactics, be less serious and more flexible.

The Beast won't get my spirit.

Thank you for giving me such a great response after a so long day at work. Hope you'll get some good rest.

See you)
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Old 07-09-2013, 02:04 PM
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Setting impossible goals, thanks for bringing that up and what happened as children. Sometimes hear what I need, might not make sense as I write, but in my head....yes

Sending some power out to all, lets knock the beast out of the ring. Put on the gloves and get to it.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:09 PM
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I found that part of my recovery was like healing a big gaping wound (my childhood).

If I just sewed up the wound without cleaning out the muck it would be infected and never heal. That is what I had been doing for most of my life. Trying to heal my infected gaping wound with bandaids and sheer force of will.

When I was working the stuff that created the wound in the first place was when my coping mechanisms that were in place to keep me from having to look at the wound came out full force. With support, and a lot of hard work just recently I had an image that it was time to FINALLY sew myself up again.

I also had to have compassion for myself, and why I was doing what I was doing. When I heaped guilt on top of already feeling bad....I set myself up for another binge. This might be just me, but sometimes being a regular exerciser set me up also....I used it as a way to "overdo" too. I am not saying you are doing that....but my eating disorder was like a rubber band with exercise and food....I would stretch myself really thin. Then I would snap back on myself.

Take good care of yourself.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:33 PM
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue View Post
Hi, pals.

I honestly don't know what's happening to me. Honestly.
you are mistaking your addictive voice for YOU.

i know that sounds flip, but that's what you are doing, and that's ALL you are doing.

you are failing to recognise the addiction, because it hides behind your own thoughts, your emotions, the significant things in your life, it uses your voice, your weaknesses (and strengths), your images and your memories, and instead of recognising it, you're mistaking it for your own logic.

once you start to RECOGNISE the AV you'll be free.

I am at a loss. Where's that weak link that screws up all. Why I am so easily manipulated. Why there is always a dark cloud covering all the horizons and hiding the perspective?
that's like interviewing your beast, sitting it down on a comfy sofa and asking it to explain exactly why you should have another binge!!

there's a book called 'Afformations' right now doing the rounds in the self-help world, it's about using questions to empower yourself in a way that the old concept of 'affirmations' was supposed to do, i won't do it the disservice of trying to summarise it but here's a link that describes why your questions might be unhelpful, despite seeming to be incisive:

Afformations( What Questions Are You Asking Yourself?) | Omar Mcfadden's Empower Network Blog

and this:

Combining EFT & “Afformations” | Tapping EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques EFTzone

the basic concept is this: 'if you ask your mind lousy questions, you’ll get lousy answers. So if you have a lousy life going, you’re probably asking lousy questions.'

you might find it useful but the only real thing you need right now is to RECOGNISE - not bargain with, reason with or argue with, or god forbid LISTEN TO - your own addictive voice.

you can do it.
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Old 07-09-2013, 10:26 PM
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Some really great advice here.

I woke up thinking of you MB. I know I sort of tagged on to this thread, but it has really helped me. Truth is, despite some stuff going on for me, I haven't smoked and that is a huge deal. I guess it's easier for me, I don't associate smoking with anything to do with my past. I didn't smoke because of anything that happened to me. It was just an addiction pure and simple and I wanted rid of it. And AVRT helped me to do that. I can recognise my AV so clearly now. It still tries to trip me up. It uses emotional stuff...just recently the death of my friend. I'm trying to compose a letter to his wife right now, and it's whispering to me. It looks for an opportunity, and a tragedy is perfect. I don't even hate it any more, it must be getting pretty desperate now. A couple of months and I'm still not responding...I've got to acknowledge its persistence!

I agree there is some unhelpful engagement of your AV going on here. I'm no expert on this stuff but it seems to be tying you up in knots.

I think you're pretty awesome MB. Don't you give up now. I mean who the hell else will put up with my rambling posts....?! Off to work now but will catch up later xxx
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Old 07-10-2013, 11:20 AM
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Never thought of it that way, ask yourself a lousy question, get the same sort of answer.
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Old 07-10-2013, 12:43 PM
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Hi, all.

Thank you so much for responses and awesome support! It really made my day.

LiveRecovery - You just hit the nail on the head about healing a big gaping wound. I think right now I am at the stage when I am removing the bandage and cleaning out the muck. It's painful process but it's the only way to move on in life.

And I have little compassion for myself, while sense of guilt is huge. It's one of the most challenging issues for me at the moment.


DoubtfulDebs - Thank you for reminding me about mistaking my addictive voice for ME.

It's my mistake - I start overanalyzing and debating with AV, which is useless and makes a vicious circle.

Today every time I felt an urge to debate, I reminded myself about it.

"It's so hard task, I can't do it - No, it's you, the Beast who can't do it. But I can".

AV is masquerading as ME, but it's not me. I have to write it on the my forehead))

And thank you for the links. It's really great idea to ask yourself right questions. As as simple as that - ask proper questions, and mind will work out right solutions.


Jeni - Thank you, my pal, for thinking about me) Yes, the Beast is tying me up in knots, it's fighting. It disguising as myself and tricks me into discussion. Well, It's not easy but I will win. Absolutely.

I'm sure you will write a kind, thoughful and soothing letter to the wife of your friend. I can tell it from your posts - you can find the right words.

Write as many rambling posts as you need)


Bloss - thank you for the kind words and power. You know, I've just ordered boxing gloves. So, AV has just no chance)


My big hugs to all of you)
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Old 07-11-2013, 12:11 PM
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How are you today MB?x
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Old 07-11-2013, 12:33 PM
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. Keep moving forward everyone, no power to negative thoughts
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Old 07-11-2013, 12:34 PM
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Hi, pals)

My Beast is going wild today, trying to tie me up in knots, diminish my self-esteem, and so on.

I just keep telling that it's not me, it's the Beast who wants binge, who is not capable of doing what I want to do.

Today wasn't great but better anyway. Had a good workout and feeling more myself.

The Beast is like parasite which can't live without a "host" and, at the same time, is absolutely nothing, but can suck out a lot of power.

Anyway. I am strong, and I have great support here. I am doomed.. for success, I believe)

Hope your day at work wasn't too stressful, and soon you'll enjoy vacations when school is over.

Thank you. my badass pal. See you tomorrow.
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Old 07-11-2013, 12:36 PM
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Hi, Bloss.

Exactly - negative thoughts don't deserve our power. They are powerless, and it's our call to feed them or not.

Have a great day)
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