AVRT to cope with emotional binge eating
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you so much, Bloss!
I surely will.
These days have been far from perfect in terms of nutrition. But I finally made a call to my brother. The mere thought about calling him plunged into my binge a week ago.
So, I walked through the fear, and moving forward.
And though there's still a lot of fog to go through, I won't let my guiding star go. I will hold to its rays and bright light.
Have a good day, pals.
See you later.
I surely will.
These days have been far from perfect in terms of nutrition. But I finally made a call to my brother. The mere thought about calling him plunged into my binge a week ago.
So, I walked through the fear, and moving forward.
And though there's still a lot of fog to go through, I won't let my guiding star go. I will hold to its rays and bright light.
Have a good day, pals.
See you later.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals.
I believe my new "sugar-free" date speaks volumes.
Every time I am overcoming it - there's always another layer of emotional issues behind.
I've been looking for some info about that and found the article that really resonates with me.
I punish myself. Constantly. Creatively. Ruthlessly. Feel exhausted.
There are some extracts from the article. I need to remember this.
Other definitions of overeating:
1. Overeating is not a reward or a celebration. It is a punishment.
Eating crappy food is not a reward. It is a punishment.
Eating any junk food at any time may be called overeating by definition.
2. Overeating is self-sabotage.
Beyond mere punishment, overeating is full scale self-sabotage. By eating too much too often, you feel lethargic, mentally sluggish and even ashamed or worthless.
Beyond that, you are doomed to self-consciousness, chronically worried about how you are being judged. Self-confidence seems so far away…
3. Overeating is a sign of immaturity.
Children are known to lack impulse control and require immediate gratification. So many adults never grow out of these childhood tendencies and would rather sacrifice their health than deny themselves a cookie.
4. Overeating is violence.
It’s violence against your body, which is forced to compensate for the onslaught of food, taxing the tissues and organs to the point of eventual failure.
Rotten teeth, a leaky gut, fatty liver, impacted colon, exhausted pancreas, blown out knees, jammed up spine, clogged arteries, arthritic joints, a polluted blood stream and a foggy brain are the casualties of this war.
5. Overeating is a public confession that you lack self-control.
Yes, people see the evidence.
7. Overeating is slow suicide.
A shocking 18.2% of premature deaths in the United States between 1986 and 2006 were associated with excess body mass, according to a team of sociologists led by a Columbia University demographer. This estimate was published online in the American Journal of Public Health.
And, considering that I am constantly analyzing and over-analyzing this, still proceeding with abusing my body with eating binges, I particularly like this:
"whether or not it is your fault, it certainly is your responsibility. If you have an overeating problem, only you can do something about it.
Overeating is serious. Let’s redouble our efforts to make it a thing of the past."
I believe my new "sugar-free" date speaks volumes.
Every time I am overcoming it - there's always another layer of emotional issues behind.
I've been looking for some info about that and found the article that really resonates with me.
I punish myself. Constantly. Creatively. Ruthlessly. Feel exhausted.
There are some extracts from the article. I need to remember this.
Other definitions of overeating:
1. Overeating is not a reward or a celebration. It is a punishment.
Eating crappy food is not a reward. It is a punishment.
Eating any junk food at any time may be called overeating by definition.
2. Overeating is self-sabotage.
Beyond mere punishment, overeating is full scale self-sabotage. By eating too much too often, you feel lethargic, mentally sluggish and even ashamed or worthless.
Beyond that, you are doomed to self-consciousness, chronically worried about how you are being judged. Self-confidence seems so far away…
3. Overeating is a sign of immaturity.
Children are known to lack impulse control and require immediate gratification. So many adults never grow out of these childhood tendencies and would rather sacrifice their health than deny themselves a cookie.
4. Overeating is violence.
It’s violence against your body, which is forced to compensate for the onslaught of food, taxing the tissues and organs to the point of eventual failure.
Rotten teeth, a leaky gut, fatty liver, impacted colon, exhausted pancreas, blown out knees, jammed up spine, clogged arteries, arthritic joints, a polluted blood stream and a foggy brain are the casualties of this war.
5. Overeating is a public confession that you lack self-control.
Yes, people see the evidence.
7. Overeating is slow suicide.
A shocking 18.2% of premature deaths in the United States between 1986 and 2006 were associated with excess body mass, according to a team of sociologists led by a Columbia University demographer. This estimate was published online in the American Journal of Public Health.
And, considering that I am constantly analyzing and over-analyzing this, still proceeding with abusing my body with eating binges, I particularly like this:
"whether or not it is your fault, it certainly is your responsibility. If you have an overeating problem, only you can do something about it.
Overeating is serious. Let’s redouble our efforts to make it a thing of the past."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Midnightblue-
I saw your post this morning and have been struggling to know what/how to respond.
The article feels pretty black/white and harsh to me. Even when I take the terms overeating/binge eating etc out of it.
It aptly describes the way I felt inside which is often why I turned toward food. For me I felt it and the food was the way that I "outwardly" punished myself for not being perfect, not being able to control everything etc. The eating was a symptom of the problem, but it was not the cause. It was the only thing I had to focus on though. I would think if I could just get "food" under control. Also I was an active young person when I found recovery (as are you). I don't think that you are in danger of compromising your health from the food challenges you have experienced.
I have a question?
I suspect even if you took the word binge eating, overeating etc out of this article.....
Would the feelings etc it talks about still describe how you feel about you? That is the part I could relate to.
I guess I just want to challenge you that even without the food stuff how do you feel about you? You have had some step backs with food, but in terms of actual food behavior to me it seems to pale in comparision to how you often "feel" about yourself.
My two cents only.
I saw your post this morning and have been struggling to know what/how to respond.
The article feels pretty black/white and harsh to me. Even when I take the terms overeating/binge eating etc out of it.
It aptly describes the way I felt inside which is often why I turned toward food. For me I felt it and the food was the way that I "outwardly" punished myself for not being perfect, not being able to control everything etc. The eating was a symptom of the problem, but it was not the cause. It was the only thing I had to focus on though. I would think if I could just get "food" under control. Also I was an active young person when I found recovery (as are you). I don't think that you are in danger of compromising your health from the food challenges you have experienced.
I have a question?
I suspect even if you took the word binge eating, overeating etc out of this article.....
Would the feelings etc it talks about still describe how you feel about you? That is the part I could relate to.
I guess I just want to challenge you that even without the food stuff how do you feel about you? You have had some step backs with food, but in terms of actual food behavior to me it seems to pale in comparision to how you often "feel" about yourself.
My two cents only.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
MB-I feel the same as LifeRecovery. I'm not sure how to respond or whether I have the right words to use that will help.
You seem so very hard on yourself my friend.
I have used food as a control in my life. My eating patterns are weird and bounce between very good to appalling with regularity. I have an addiction to sugar, I'm sure of that. But...they are not so closely linked to my self-esteem like yours are. I don't binge eat for emotional reasons.
I care for you very much MB. I wish you could show yourself that same care xxxx
You seem so very hard on yourself my friend.
I have used food as a control in my life. My eating patterns are weird and bounce between very good to appalling with regularity. I have an addiction to sugar, I'm sure of that. But...they are not so closely linked to my self-esteem like yours are. I don't binge eat for emotional reasons.
I care for you very much MB. I wish you could show yourself that same care xxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
I care for you very much MB. I wish you could show yourself that same care xxxx
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
I stumbled across the last few posts of this Thread so have not read much of it. Therefore I do not have the context of what is going on, please forgive that if I am stepping into something maybe I should have more background on before making a statement.
That said...I actually had some of the same thoughts as LR when reading those extracts from the article. Parts seemed pretty extreme to me.
However, much of it I totally relate to, and appreciated reading. A lot of it is applicable to me. Thought there was some pretty good points in it.
That said...I actually had some of the same thoughts as LR when reading those extracts from the article. Parts seemed pretty extreme to me.
However, much of it I totally relate to, and appreciated reading. A lot of it is applicable to me. Thought there was some pretty good points in it.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals.
Thank you for your responses.
Ghostly - glad to see you stopping by)
I understand that it's quite controversial. And I'll explain the way I see it. Just... not quite in the mood today...
P.S. Just to dissolve my today's gloomy posts with one sunny note. Yesterday I did my first real boxing sparring. With a guy, kind of 20-30 kg heavier than me... Almost kicked his a$$)
Thank you all a lot. See you.
Thank you for your responses.
Ghostly - glad to see you stopping by)
I understand that it's quite controversial. And I'll explain the way I see it. Just... not quite in the mood today...
P.S. Just to dissolve my today's gloomy posts with one sunny note. Yesterday I did my first real boxing sparring. With a guy, kind of 20-30 kg heavier than me... Almost kicked his a$$)
Thank you all a lot. See you.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals)
Just wanted to say that I am back...
Exhausted, drained out, f$$$d up...But still the same Midnight with boxing gloves and no way defeated spirit...
See you...
Just wanted to say that I am back...
Exhausted, drained out, f$$$d up...But still the same Midnight with boxing gloves and no way defeated spirit...
See you...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,360
Some days upon opening my eyes, I forget I no longer drink, even try to remember what I drank and so on. Some days I wake with regret of the foods I ate the evening before and I resolve to do "better". The problem I have had to face is what do I consider as "better". Will I ever be alright with who I am today, my weight, age, accomplishments and so on. For myself, I have to accept who I am today and be ok with the fact that I intend to do the best I can daily. If I don't do this, any feelings of happiness are impossible. Take care everyone, look how far we've all come from a year ago.
Much Care
Bloss
Much Care
Bloss
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals.
I am almost ok. This week was emotionally tough since, first I've been fighting for getting my money back for very poorly provided service. Usually I put the blame on myself, but this time I've decided _ WTF? So, I put on my badass boxing gloves and stood my ground.
Then I finally met my jerk brother. To make things less emotionally exhausting I brought "back up" - my Ex) Well, it still was emotionally draining, but I finally made the first step to resolving this issue.
Now, back to that controversial article I posted a week ago - about overating as punishment, self-sabotage, immature behaviour, and danger to health.
Ok, let me explain.
I am sorry if this sounded harsh- I needed something to "shake me up".
Here what it means to me.
For me it hit home to look at overating as abuse, not reward or celebration.
Just to be clear about what I mean by overeating or binge eating.
In my case I am not talking about some extra cookie or a piece of cake. I am talking about stuffing myself till my stomach starts aching and it's almost hard to breath. I stuff myself till it's almost makes me sick to swallow just another piece of food, but for some reason I do it. The next day my stomach is upset, liver is "heavy", I am bloating and feel terrible.
I believe it's a downright abuse of my body, just disguised as "celebration" or reward, at least in the beginning.
Considering a generally accepted pattern to "encourage yourself with some delicious food" plus my uber commplicated relationships with food (starving as a teenager, fear of not having enough food, subconscious pattern to "seek shelter from negative emotions at the dining table; my Mom yelling at me if, later, as a grown up I refused to eat some doughnuts, etc. that I am ungrateful - she works so hard to provide for us and I am so "squeamish, hard to please and pucky"; or again, as a teenager, if I asked for some vegetables or fruit instead, casting me in teeth that they were very expensive during winter season, etc.). It wasn't all that bad all the time, but somewere deep in my mind I can't treat food without being strongly emotionally attached to it. It's like I can't still be sure I have enough food available, and I am catching the moment to enjoy this abundance. It's like tomorrow all this will disappear and I won't be able to afford all this (and my current unstable financial situation adds to this paranoia).
As a kid I was manipulated by the food, because sometimes I was downright hungry - as simple as that. I presume, that somewhere deep inside I punush my body for "betraying" me - it needed food, it demanded it. And my kid's mind wanted something sweet and delicious as well - and it "betrayed" me as well - being so "immature". And now like I am seeking this "reward" again - because I hardly knew another one back then. "if you are good girl" - I'll buy you a candy.
And now I am in that "catch 22" or, 44, or 66, or in any possible catch. I am still rewarding this kid, and, at the same time, I hate myself for being so "helpless" and "betraying" myself again. I am abusing and torturing myself, giving "proof" that I should be grateful for this "reward".
Ok, enough for back-to-childhood-self-pity.
Overating FOR ME - it's like exquisite masochism. My self passive aggressive behaviour,if you let me call it like this.
I just can imagine my Mom now who is ridiculing me for mouthing these words: "Oh, come on. Stop this BS, you, ungrateful thing. I am working hard to feed you, and you are refusing to it this because of some craze illusions of yours."
Yah, my feelings were illusions. I learned to disrespect my body because close ones thought I (and my body) can't feel this, should do that, etc.
It's like if someone horsewhipped me, and if I cried "Stop, it hurts!", they said to me "Oh, bulls&&t. Are you kidding? It can't hurt!". So, after a ten, or hundred times, I started to believe that it's something wrong with me since it can't hurt.
Now, about self-sabotage.
Yeah, that's it.
Because instead of working on my project I go buy/eat some food. It is like I CANT WRITE until I "prepare" myself through staffing with food. Crazy, yeah?
I am scared that I am not good enough at my writing, so I procrastinate, eating fear away with food.
Resistance is on my way to reaching my goals and buying food and overeating is a great way to procrastinate.
Then I stuff myself till I am almost half alive and I slip exactly in this state - lethargic, powerless, when just pure physiology comes into play- all the blood flows to stomach and digesting system. I feel sleepy, and just can't work properly. Yes, I will do everything I am suppposed/required to, but my authentic goals (like writing projects) are again postponed since I am not responsible for fullfilling them to no one but myself.
And it is like again, my Mom patting me on the shoulder, saying: "Oh, my baby, stop nursing chimeras. Let's better go and eat something".
But if I shrugg off this patronizing pat, and say: "No, I don't want cakes/cookies/whatever. I want to write and then I want to work out. And I don't think it's chimeras".
Oh, then the hell will rain on me in an instant. Patronizing tone would immediately turn into hysterics how undgrateful I am, etc. Leaving me with a tremendous sense of guilt that I've just rejected food my Mom bought with hard-earned money, preferring value and illuustional projects of my own to expressing gratitiutude to my Mom (by abusing my body).
It's like all the way catch, and lose-lose situation. Followers of a well-known sobriety program would probably call it "self-centered", I don't know.
And now, being grown up, I still feel that way.
And I keep stuffing myself and freaking out about that at the same moment. Freaking out and keep stuffing. Stuffing and freaking out. Vicious circle...
As for the last one - yes, I am young and active, and all this is hardly of immeidate danger to me. Maybe, it's my way to make this situation more serious. Maybe, I am still seeking proof and evidence, because what my body feels was never enough, and never important to consider. Maybe I want this to be deadly serious to put it in front of the face of my Mom like a shield. Because, somehow all this "no big deal" turn into me feeling "bid deal crappy". And I am f&&&&g tired of it.
And, actually, I still think that overstuffing myself with tons of sugar is not the best way to contribute to my health in the long run. Seriously.
Ok, pals.
Off to a boxing classs.
See you later)
I am almost ok. This week was emotionally tough since, first I've been fighting for getting my money back for very poorly provided service. Usually I put the blame on myself, but this time I've decided _ WTF? So, I put on my badass boxing gloves and stood my ground.
Then I finally met my jerk brother. To make things less emotionally exhausting I brought "back up" - my Ex) Well, it still was emotionally draining, but I finally made the first step to resolving this issue.
Now, back to that controversial article I posted a week ago - about overating as punishment, self-sabotage, immature behaviour, and danger to health.
Ok, let me explain.
I am sorry if this sounded harsh- I needed something to "shake me up".
Here what it means to me.
For me it hit home to look at overating as abuse, not reward or celebration.
Just to be clear about what I mean by overeating or binge eating.
In my case I am not talking about some extra cookie or a piece of cake. I am talking about stuffing myself till my stomach starts aching and it's almost hard to breath. I stuff myself till it's almost makes me sick to swallow just another piece of food, but for some reason I do it. The next day my stomach is upset, liver is "heavy", I am bloating and feel terrible.
I believe it's a downright abuse of my body, just disguised as "celebration" or reward, at least in the beginning.
Considering a generally accepted pattern to "encourage yourself with some delicious food" plus my uber commplicated relationships with food (starving as a teenager, fear of not having enough food, subconscious pattern to "seek shelter from negative emotions at the dining table; my Mom yelling at me if, later, as a grown up I refused to eat some doughnuts, etc. that I am ungrateful - she works so hard to provide for us and I am so "squeamish, hard to please and pucky"; or again, as a teenager, if I asked for some vegetables or fruit instead, casting me in teeth that they were very expensive during winter season, etc.). It wasn't all that bad all the time, but somewere deep in my mind I can't treat food without being strongly emotionally attached to it. It's like I can't still be sure I have enough food available, and I am catching the moment to enjoy this abundance. It's like tomorrow all this will disappear and I won't be able to afford all this (and my current unstable financial situation adds to this paranoia).
As a kid I was manipulated by the food, because sometimes I was downright hungry - as simple as that. I presume, that somewhere deep inside I punush my body for "betraying" me - it needed food, it demanded it. And my kid's mind wanted something sweet and delicious as well - and it "betrayed" me as well - being so "immature". And now like I am seeking this "reward" again - because I hardly knew another one back then. "if you are good girl" - I'll buy you a candy.
And now I am in that "catch 22" or, 44, or 66, or in any possible catch. I am still rewarding this kid, and, at the same time, I hate myself for being so "helpless" and "betraying" myself again. I am abusing and torturing myself, giving "proof" that I should be grateful for this "reward".
Ok, enough for back-to-childhood-self-pity.
Overating FOR ME - it's like exquisite masochism. My self passive aggressive behaviour,if you let me call it like this.
I just can imagine my Mom now who is ridiculing me for mouthing these words: "Oh, come on. Stop this BS, you, ungrateful thing. I am working hard to feed you, and you are refusing to it this because of some craze illusions of yours."
Yah, my feelings were illusions. I learned to disrespect my body because close ones thought I (and my body) can't feel this, should do that, etc.
It's like if someone horsewhipped me, and if I cried "Stop, it hurts!", they said to me "Oh, bulls&&t. Are you kidding? It can't hurt!". So, after a ten, or hundred times, I started to believe that it's something wrong with me since it can't hurt.
Now, about self-sabotage.
Yeah, that's it.
Because instead of working on my project I go buy/eat some food. It is like I CANT WRITE until I "prepare" myself through staffing with food. Crazy, yeah?
I am scared that I am not good enough at my writing, so I procrastinate, eating fear away with food.
Resistance is on my way to reaching my goals and buying food and overeating is a great way to procrastinate.
Then I stuff myself till I am almost half alive and I slip exactly in this state - lethargic, powerless, when just pure physiology comes into play- all the blood flows to stomach and digesting system. I feel sleepy, and just can't work properly. Yes, I will do everything I am suppposed/required to, but my authentic goals (like writing projects) are again postponed since I am not responsible for fullfilling them to no one but myself.
And it is like again, my Mom patting me on the shoulder, saying: "Oh, my baby, stop nursing chimeras. Let's better go and eat something".
But if I shrugg off this patronizing pat, and say: "No, I don't want cakes/cookies/whatever. I want to write and then I want to work out. And I don't think it's chimeras".
Oh, then the hell will rain on me in an instant. Patronizing tone would immediately turn into hysterics how undgrateful I am, etc. Leaving me with a tremendous sense of guilt that I've just rejected food my Mom bought with hard-earned money, preferring value and illuustional projects of my own to expressing gratitiutude to my Mom (by abusing my body).
It's like all the way catch, and lose-lose situation. Followers of a well-known sobriety program would probably call it "self-centered", I don't know.
And now, being grown up, I still feel that way.
And I keep stuffing myself and freaking out about that at the same moment. Freaking out and keep stuffing. Stuffing and freaking out. Vicious circle...
As for the last one - yes, I am young and active, and all this is hardly of immeidate danger to me. Maybe, it's my way to make this situation more serious. Maybe, I am still seeking proof and evidence, because what my body feels was never enough, and never important to consider. Maybe I want this to be deadly serious to put it in front of the face of my Mom like a shield. Because, somehow all this "no big deal" turn into me feeling "bid deal crappy". And I am f&&&&g tired of it.
And, actually, I still think that overstuffing myself with tons of sugar is not the best way to contribute to my health in the long run. Seriously.
Ok, pals.
Off to a boxing classs.
See you later)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
MidnightBlue-
What you wrote above I get, understand and have been there.
The post last week was ONLY focused on the food behavior, not the reasons behind it. What you just wrote is opening (and exposing) the why, the how, and the deep pain that comes along with the food behavior.
That to me is different.
I FELT cruddy about myself, and used food to try to make it better. Then I felt guilty for the food and the fact that I was trying to feel better (because I don't deserve that right?).
What you just showed me was how hard you are on yourself, regardless of if you use food or not.
It takes what it takes, if it jarred you into/out of something great.
My question for you (trust me you have been doing a lot of this work already). What are you doing so you don't feel this way about yourself long term? That to me is the old stuff, and you are working on the new.
What you wrote above I get, understand and have been there.
The post last week was ONLY focused on the food behavior, not the reasons behind it. What you just wrote is opening (and exposing) the why, the how, and the deep pain that comes along with the food behavior.
That to me is different.
I FELT cruddy about myself, and used food to try to make it better. Then I felt guilty for the food and the fact that I was trying to feel better (because I don't deserve that right?).
What you just showed me was how hard you are on yourself, regardless of if you use food or not.
It takes what it takes, if it jarred you into/out of something great.
My question for you (trust me you have been doing a lot of this work already). What are you doing so you don't feel this way about yourself long term? That to me is the old stuff, and you are working on the new.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
MidnightBlue-
My question for you (trust me you have been doing a lot of this work already). What are you doing so you don't feel this way about yourself long term? That to me is the old stuff, and you are working on the new.
My question for you (trust me you have been doing a lot of this work already). What are you doing so you don't feel this way about yourself long term? That to me is the old stuff, and you are working on the new.
You know, it's "funny". I think I've heard here, on this thread, and on other threads on SR, about a hundred times by far that I am too hard on myself, but mostly dismissed it like "Oh, they just don't know. I am not hard enough on myself. I am, actually, a wuss".
Now it's finally starting to hit home...
What I am doing so I don't feel this way in the long term? Good question...
Sorry, I just didn't get what you mean by old and new stuff.
Thank you)
See you, pals.
Have a great weekend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
What I am doing so I don't feel this way in the long term? Good question...
Sorry, I just didn't get what you mean by old and new stuff.
Thank you)
See you, pals.
Have a great weekend.
I feel like you are becoming a new person. You are working on the behaviors that keep you stuck.
The "new" part of your post for me was that it was about more then just the behaviors that keep you stuck. You also talked about how you feel about you (behaviors or not) that can keep you in the loop de loop of the behaviors. That is a big deal, and for me it was a new level of discomfort at first that lead to a new level of healing.
I also appreciate that you saw all of us write some stuff that was probably kind of hard to read. You read it, thought about it and dealt with it. That to me is a sign of someone in recovery my friend. I suspect you are doing the same thing with the rough personal situation you are finding yourself in.
Congrats I can see how much your hard work is paying off....can you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
LifeRecovery and MB, there's such a lot of great insightful stuff going on here, I don't think I could possibly add much to it.
For me, the greatest progress often occurs after a period of painful soul-searching. It is uncomfortable and sometimes demoralising while I am in it, but when I have eventually pulled through, I feel a shift permanently in my thinking. I might feel the same thinking come knocking again, but I recognise it and know how to head it off at the pass.
Thing is, I don't try and work things out on my own. I am completely unqualified to be in my own head...if it wasn't for my therapist I would still be skirting around so many issues that addiction of whatever sort would still be waiting in the wings. My beast is silent despite just having the worst anxiety filled night I've had for months. I understand why I'm anxious, know why, and I've now got the tools to calm myself down and trust that it will pass and all will be well again.
Alongside this is a new sense of gratitude and joy in all the fantastic things I've got in my life. My health, my family, my security, the world around me. I write down something new that I've noticed every day. Last night I went out with my family to the theatre and I watched the colours in the evening sky change as night fell. (I wasn't driving!)...I took so much for granted before.
I'm also just that little bit kinder to myself now...it's not a case of 'oh here you go again..you will never get this, you may as well give up, you are pathetic...'. Now it's more...'oh this again...why is this happening..I've been here before and got through it. Remember it does go again'. When I was awake at 4 this morning, I wasn't so much disappointed that the anxiety was back as grateful it is such a rarity now.
Changes in thinking and learning to believe in ourselves take time and practice.
One of the fundamental steps for me was identifying 'the voice'. Anything that tells me I can't do or face something is the beast, and he's a liar.
Keep going MB...have faith in my faith. You can do it xxx
For me, the greatest progress often occurs after a period of painful soul-searching. It is uncomfortable and sometimes demoralising while I am in it, but when I have eventually pulled through, I feel a shift permanently in my thinking. I might feel the same thinking come knocking again, but I recognise it and know how to head it off at the pass.
Thing is, I don't try and work things out on my own. I am completely unqualified to be in my own head...if it wasn't for my therapist I would still be skirting around so many issues that addiction of whatever sort would still be waiting in the wings. My beast is silent despite just having the worst anxiety filled night I've had for months. I understand why I'm anxious, know why, and I've now got the tools to calm myself down and trust that it will pass and all will be well again.
Alongside this is a new sense of gratitude and joy in all the fantastic things I've got in my life. My health, my family, my security, the world around me. I write down something new that I've noticed every day. Last night I went out with my family to the theatre and I watched the colours in the evening sky change as night fell. (I wasn't driving!)...I took so much for granted before.
I'm also just that little bit kinder to myself now...it's not a case of 'oh here you go again..you will never get this, you may as well give up, you are pathetic...'. Now it's more...'oh this again...why is this happening..I've been here before and got through it. Remember it does go again'. When I was awake at 4 this morning, I wasn't so much disappointed that the anxiety was back as grateful it is such a rarity now.
Changes in thinking and learning to believe in ourselves take time and practice.
One of the fundamental steps for me was identifying 'the voice'. Anything that tells me I can't do or face something is the beast, and he's a liar.
Keep going MB...have faith in my faith. You can do it xxx
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals)
Thank you so much for your great insight!
I tremendously appreciate your support.
You know, it's interesting that today our thoughts seem to be alighned in the same direction.
Liferecovery - "a new level of discomfort at first that lead to a new level of healing". That's exactly how I've finally accepted what's going on now.
First, I was greatly upset about recent "relapsing", going to old habits, feeling "helpless"... Then it became even worse - since I found myself in the deep black hole of emotional distress and despair.
Then I've started to put pieces of the puzzle together, looking for a reason behind this.
Finally, now I am facing the necessity to resolve real estate issues with my brother. And those of you who've been following my anti-eating-binge journey long enough, know that real estate dispute is just the tip of a huge nasty iceberg, with the most part of it hidden under dark and troubled water.
Communication with him triggers the most painful memories, and harrow the old wounds, and hits raw nerve. It opens up my immense hatred towards him, when I want to beat him to death with my bare fists, and also deeply rooted in childhood hatred to myself related to what happened. And this hidden simmering self-hatred masquerades and tortures me. And that made me neglect and despise my feelings.
And know I am bringing it to the surface to deal with and, finally, heal. It's not until now that I've realized that this really needs healing! It's not BS, no big deal, or other names, it's humangeous psychological trauma experienced by a child who never had an opportunity to share the pain and got a tiny piece of compassion about it until the time when I started to see my therapist and dared to talk about it. But it's always been to painful to "dig deep" into it, so I chose to work on other issues postponing it.
Yes, I started to pay attention to how I feel.
And, I think, I've made another tiny and yet big step in that direction.
Sorry for details, but I am suffering from bad headache today due to PMS. It's pure biology, and I can see the recurring pattern, but somehow I've always managed to neglect this. I knew the only tool in my toolbox - an emotional "whip". If something in me doesn't work good and efficiently enough, then I just need a bigger whip. And at some moment the body and mind jus tell "Sorry, Honey. We know, you are the one in charge here, but would you please stop bossing us around, otherwise we'll show you our rebellion".
Today I've accepted the fact that I am a woman (what a surprise!), that it's quite natural for a woman to experience these symptoms ( another great surprise), and that instead of getting mad at my "weak" (or rather feminine) nature for interfering with my efficiency and stuffing myself with sweets to "cope" with headache and fatigue, I chose to follow a doctor's advice (another great revelation - doctors take it seriously and dont' think it's "no big deal"). I took herbs the doctor prescribed, made myself a cup of tea, and took a nap, going easy on myself the rest of the day. Guess what? The headache is almost gone, and I am feeling much better.
Getting back to the point - new level of great discomfort leading to the dealing with the greatest phsycological issue of my life, and making way to the next level of healing and understanding and accepting myself.
It's like it's said in the "Invocation of Muse" I read every day:
"...Above all let me perceive purpose in pain and adversity,
And see the will of the spirits at work..."
And, you know, I think I am starting to see changes as well.
Thank you
For me, the greatest progress often occurs after a period of painful soul-searching. It is uncomfortable and sometimes demoralising while I am in it, but when I have eventually pulled through, I feel a shift permanently in my thinking. I might feel the same thinking come knocking again, but I recognise it and know how to head it off at the pass.
Jeni - I couldn't say it better!
Uncomfortable and demoralising - that's what I am feeling now. But, it's, I'd say., another level of uncomfort - level where I can see hope.
And thank you for your faith - every time I feel exhausted I remember it, and it give me power.
So grateful to you, pals)
Have a good Sunday.
See you.
Thank you so much for your great insight!
I tremendously appreciate your support.
You know, it's interesting that today our thoughts seem to be alighned in the same direction.
Liferecovery - "a new level of discomfort at first that lead to a new level of healing". That's exactly how I've finally accepted what's going on now.
First, I was greatly upset about recent "relapsing", going to old habits, feeling "helpless"... Then it became even worse - since I found myself in the deep black hole of emotional distress and despair.
Then I've started to put pieces of the puzzle together, looking for a reason behind this.
Finally, now I am facing the necessity to resolve real estate issues with my brother. And those of you who've been following my anti-eating-binge journey long enough, know that real estate dispute is just the tip of a huge nasty iceberg, with the most part of it hidden under dark and troubled water.
Communication with him triggers the most painful memories, and harrow the old wounds, and hits raw nerve. It opens up my immense hatred towards him, when I want to beat him to death with my bare fists, and also deeply rooted in childhood hatred to myself related to what happened. And this hidden simmering self-hatred masquerades and tortures me. And that made me neglect and despise my feelings.
And know I am bringing it to the surface to deal with and, finally, heal. It's not until now that I've realized that this really needs healing! It's not BS, no big deal, or other names, it's humangeous psychological trauma experienced by a child who never had an opportunity to share the pain and got a tiny piece of compassion about it until the time when I started to see my therapist and dared to talk about it. But it's always been to painful to "dig deep" into it, so I chose to work on other issues postponing it.
Yes, I started to pay attention to how I feel.
And, I think, I've made another tiny and yet big step in that direction.
Sorry for details, but I am suffering from bad headache today due to PMS. It's pure biology, and I can see the recurring pattern, but somehow I've always managed to neglect this. I knew the only tool in my toolbox - an emotional "whip". If something in me doesn't work good and efficiently enough, then I just need a bigger whip. And at some moment the body and mind jus tell "Sorry, Honey. We know, you are the one in charge here, but would you please stop bossing us around, otherwise we'll show you our rebellion".
Today I've accepted the fact that I am a woman (what a surprise!), that it's quite natural for a woman to experience these symptoms ( another great surprise), and that instead of getting mad at my "weak" (or rather feminine) nature for interfering with my efficiency and stuffing myself with sweets to "cope" with headache and fatigue, I chose to follow a doctor's advice (another great revelation - doctors take it seriously and dont' think it's "no big deal"). I took herbs the doctor prescribed, made myself a cup of tea, and took a nap, going easy on myself the rest of the day. Guess what? The headache is almost gone, and I am feeling much better.
Getting back to the point - new level of great discomfort leading to the dealing with the greatest phsycological issue of my life, and making way to the next level of healing and understanding and accepting myself.
It's like it's said in the "Invocation of Muse" I read every day:
"...Above all let me perceive purpose in pain and adversity,
And see the will of the spirits at work..."
And, you know, I think I am starting to see changes as well.
Thank you
Originally Posted by Jeni26
For me, the greatest progress often occurs after a period of painful soul-searching. It is uncomfortable and sometimes demoralising while I am in it, but when I have eventually pulled through, I feel a shift permanently in my thinking. I might feel the same thinking come knocking again, but I recognise it and know how to head it off at the pass.
Uncomfortable and demoralising - that's what I am feeling now. But, it's, I'd say., another level of uncomfort - level where I can see hope.
And thank you for your faith - every time I feel exhausted I remember it, and it give me power.
So grateful to you, pals)
Have a good Sunday.
See you.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Lost it...
Hi, pals...
You got it - lost another battle on the first day of my now favorite month - October.
But it's actually not about the battle itself that I've lost. What concerns me most that I've lost connection with myself.
I remember that in August, when I had the whole month without eating a single cookie, and felt great about that, I started to feel reconnected with my true self. I meditated daily, and it started to work.
I listened to myself, I observed my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings...
But at some point I lost it, and I can't get where and how it happened.
I liked that feeling so much...
Now all this "brother - back to old crap" business settled me off...
...For a while.
You know, the Chinese hieroglyph that means "crisis", means "opportunity" as well...
I know, there's finally an opportunity for me to start a new life. Even though I am feeling like crap.
And I know this crisis won't break me. Maybe, it's somewhat like fixing bones that set improperly after been broken, and in order to get them straight, doctors break them again and fix. Surely, it hurts a lot.
I am going to take a complete "me" day tomorrow. Exhibition of Titian and Pre-Raphaelites' paintings. Then going to boxing masterclass by Klitchko (heavy weight world champion). The chain of fitness clubs I am going to has a high end club in the center of the city, so there will be a masterclass. Klitchko is fighting vs another champion on October 5, so, I think it's part of their promo campaign, and , surely they will got not bad money for this)
But sounds like fun anyway.
Then, maybe, bubble bath in the evening. If I only could switch off my racing thoughts for a day...
But, on the other hand, my great pal Jeni has faith in me... I have to remind myself about this.
Thank you all.
And, just for today I'll borrow the trademark ending line of our AVRT guru:
Onward!
Am a badass, after all!
See you)
You got it - lost another battle on the first day of my now favorite month - October.
But it's actually not about the battle itself that I've lost. What concerns me most that I've lost connection with myself.
I remember that in August, when I had the whole month without eating a single cookie, and felt great about that, I started to feel reconnected with my true self. I meditated daily, and it started to work.
I listened to myself, I observed my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings...
But at some point I lost it, and I can't get where and how it happened.
I liked that feeling so much...
Now all this "brother - back to old crap" business settled me off...
...For a while.
You know, the Chinese hieroglyph that means "crisis", means "opportunity" as well...
I know, there's finally an opportunity for me to start a new life. Even though I am feeling like crap.
And I know this crisis won't break me. Maybe, it's somewhat like fixing bones that set improperly after been broken, and in order to get them straight, doctors break them again and fix. Surely, it hurts a lot.
I am going to take a complete "me" day tomorrow. Exhibition of Titian and Pre-Raphaelites' paintings. Then going to boxing masterclass by Klitchko (heavy weight world champion). The chain of fitness clubs I am going to has a high end club in the center of the city, so there will be a masterclass. Klitchko is fighting vs another champion on October 5, so, I think it's part of their promo campaign, and , surely they will got not bad money for this)
But sounds like fun anyway.
Then, maybe, bubble bath in the evening. If I only could switch off my racing thoughts for a day...
But, on the other hand, my great pal Jeni has faith in me... I have to remind myself about this.
Thank you all.
And, just for today I'll borrow the trademark ending line of our AVRT guru:
Onward!
Am a badass, after all!
See you)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am so glad you are taking tomorrow.
I would like to gently remind you that taking a you day was kind of out of the question earlier in the life of this thread. That to me is progress.
My therapist has told me on mutltiple occasions that immediate family and "old" stuff is more like to throw me then most anything else.
That my emotional fortitude/not engaging is like a muscle that I have to strengthen. For me family is often like trying to do a world record lift on my first day out.
I hope you can appreciate how far you have come, even if it feels like you have taken a step backwards.
I would like to gently remind you that taking a you day was kind of out of the question earlier in the life of this thread. That to me is progress.
My therapist has told me on mutltiple occasions that immediate family and "old" stuff is more like to throw me then most anything else.
That my emotional fortitude/not engaging is like a muscle that I have to strengthen. For me family is often like trying to do a world record lift on my first day out.
I hope you can appreciate how far you have come, even if it feels like you have taken a step backwards.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals)
You know, strange things happen to me now...
On one hand, I do see changes, and I even start feeling them...
On the other hand - I don't know what to make of these changes...
OK, the facts as they actually happened.
Wensday.
Planned "me day". Procrastinating all the morning " - is it foolish enough for a grown-up woman to put off her everyday routines to rush to a masterclass of some world famous boxer?
Ok, procrastinated enough to be late, and on the top of that to lose my way in the center of the city. Running in circles feeling like an idiot "Why in the hell everything in my life is messed up exactly like this - out of nothing and out of my own self-sabotage?
Late for 20 minutes, so were boxing stars - didn't miss anything. There were guys from my class (grown up people as well, some are even "growner" ) who dragged me with them up to the front row so I could see better what's going on.
Enjoyed the event, had a lot of fun. Glad I came.
Wait a minute. I had planned the exhibition as well. But wouldn't it be "too much and too bold for one day?".
Ok, the exhibition is to be closed in 2 hours , not much time to rationalize. Go there. Enjoy immenselely (later at nigh falling asleep with beautiful paintings rotating in my memory like a caleidoscope).
Well, that's surely enough for one day.
What?! There's a sports supermarket nearby and you need new boxing gloves? Aren't you getting pretty brazen, girl?
I don't think so. 45$ for nice gloves against my usual 15$ for sweets binge. Sounds like a deal to me.
Whaaaaat?!!!!!!!!!!!! Your poor feet are just crushed because of running all day on high heels? What were you thinking wearing them and trying to "show off"? A cup of cappucino before you start off home? You are what, losing all sense of shame here?
Cappucino tastes good, and so does the entire day.
On my way home, in a subway, one interesting thought visits my head. It's like all this time I am trying to fix old thinking. All the old thinking I am dragging with me from childhood and after. I feel guilty to trash it and trying to adjust it to new circumstances. Doesn't work. And every time I am trying to trash a piece of it, the resistance comes with a deadly battle. I don't know if it makes sense, but I feel like this. Like old "family" thinking being of part of me, part of "memory in honor of those who held it", like "nostalgia for old times". When I write it sounds like BS - but this BS feels quite comfty when living in my head.
As for nostalgia - another interesting thing. Mostly it has somewhat positive connotation - something good in the past one feels sentimental about. And its initical meaning in Greek is "homecoming". Really, what 's wrong about homecoming?
I think it depends on what home you have to come to.
I just had a shot of nostalgia the other day - I was walking back from the gym. Nice, quite warm, beautiful October evening, smell of autumn, and starry sky. And I felt like it would be fine to settle on the sofa with a glass of wine or, at least, bunch of sweets, and plunge into warm comfy nostalgia, coming back to "old good times".
Then, a moment after, I woke up to the "new me" :"WTF?". Nostalgia for what? For just commonly accepted romanticized self-pity that comes with a prize of hangover and everlost present moment?
I bet it's some AV immediate relative that invented this Nostalgia stuff that is seducing me into this state when I am "drugged with the past". And Nostalgia is a fancy outfit for old stinking thinking. Such a great moovie shot when a beautiful character with an enigmatic smile hovered over her lips, and awesome story unwinding.
Ok, where we were before nostalgia messed in?
Still there, I believe.
Changes that going on...
Sometimes it seems to me that it's that "will of spirits at work" that keeps me within this cirle of binges, and every time I feel I've got rid of this addiction it forces me back repeating: "Not ready yet. Not done with your emotional BS yet. Keep digging". Guys, guys, holy spirits of the Universe, is there any other way to remind me about it rather than to ruin my 6-pack abs all the way?
Or is it just AV put on "spirits at work cowl" and feeds me BS "Oh, my poor astray badass. Embrace humility and bow your head, and be grateful for these sweets bestowed to you, and ward off arrogance that forces you to seek independence from food and slim healthy sexy body. Don't you see I am putting you through all this adversity of stupid food addiction so at the end of your way you may meet "higher AV and the Holy Beast".
Back to chronology.
Yesterday. Feeling great, so great that it's out of habit. The huge wave of feeling great smashed my guard and I wanted to take this feeling to extreme. Still not believing in myself (sorry, Jeni, my blurred mind even forgot about your faith), I needed more, and more of this feeling.
Ok, components for "feeling great extension" (mix and shake as you wish):
- 2 ice-creams;
- 5 eclairs;
- 3 pastries.
Today sugar cravings are through the roof and I am going crazy.
My thinking is messed up and I can't tell apples from oranges, BS from holy BS, and my "old self" from "new one".
Somebody, help!
You know, strange things happen to me now...
On one hand, I do see changes, and I even start feeling them...
On the other hand - I don't know what to make of these changes...
OK, the facts as they actually happened.
Wensday.
Planned "me day". Procrastinating all the morning " - is it foolish enough for a grown-up woman to put off her everyday routines to rush to a masterclass of some world famous boxer?
Ok, procrastinated enough to be late, and on the top of that to lose my way in the center of the city. Running in circles feeling like an idiot "Why in the hell everything in my life is messed up exactly like this - out of nothing and out of my own self-sabotage?
Late for 20 minutes, so were boxing stars - didn't miss anything. There were guys from my class (grown up people as well, some are even "growner" ) who dragged me with them up to the front row so I could see better what's going on.
Enjoyed the event, had a lot of fun. Glad I came.
Wait a minute. I had planned the exhibition as well. But wouldn't it be "too much and too bold for one day?".
Ok, the exhibition is to be closed in 2 hours , not much time to rationalize. Go there. Enjoy immenselely (later at nigh falling asleep with beautiful paintings rotating in my memory like a caleidoscope).
Well, that's surely enough for one day.
What?! There's a sports supermarket nearby and you need new boxing gloves? Aren't you getting pretty brazen, girl?
I don't think so. 45$ for nice gloves against my usual 15$ for sweets binge. Sounds like a deal to me.
Whaaaaat?!!!!!!!!!!!! Your poor feet are just crushed because of running all day on high heels? What were you thinking wearing them and trying to "show off"? A cup of cappucino before you start off home? You are what, losing all sense of shame here?
Cappucino tastes good, and so does the entire day.
On my way home, in a subway, one interesting thought visits my head. It's like all this time I am trying to fix old thinking. All the old thinking I am dragging with me from childhood and after. I feel guilty to trash it and trying to adjust it to new circumstances. Doesn't work. And every time I am trying to trash a piece of it, the resistance comes with a deadly battle. I don't know if it makes sense, but I feel like this. Like old "family" thinking being of part of me, part of "memory in honor of those who held it", like "nostalgia for old times". When I write it sounds like BS - but this BS feels quite comfty when living in my head.
As for nostalgia - another interesting thing. Mostly it has somewhat positive connotation - something good in the past one feels sentimental about. And its initical meaning in Greek is "homecoming". Really, what 's wrong about homecoming?
I think it depends on what home you have to come to.
I just had a shot of nostalgia the other day - I was walking back from the gym. Nice, quite warm, beautiful October evening, smell of autumn, and starry sky. And I felt like it would be fine to settle on the sofa with a glass of wine or, at least, bunch of sweets, and plunge into warm comfy nostalgia, coming back to "old good times".
Then, a moment after, I woke up to the "new me" :"WTF?". Nostalgia for what? For just commonly accepted romanticized self-pity that comes with a prize of hangover and everlost present moment?
I bet it's some AV immediate relative that invented this Nostalgia stuff that is seducing me into this state when I am "drugged with the past". And Nostalgia is a fancy outfit for old stinking thinking. Such a great moovie shot when a beautiful character with an enigmatic smile hovered over her lips, and awesome story unwinding.
Ok, where we were before nostalgia messed in?
Still there, I believe.
Changes that going on...
Sometimes it seems to me that it's that "will of spirits at work" that keeps me within this cirle of binges, and every time I feel I've got rid of this addiction it forces me back repeating: "Not ready yet. Not done with your emotional BS yet. Keep digging". Guys, guys, holy spirits of the Universe, is there any other way to remind me about it rather than to ruin my 6-pack abs all the way?
Or is it just AV put on "spirits at work cowl" and feeds me BS "Oh, my poor astray badass. Embrace humility and bow your head, and be grateful for these sweets bestowed to you, and ward off arrogance that forces you to seek independence from food and slim healthy sexy body. Don't you see I am putting you through all this adversity of stupid food addiction so at the end of your way you may meet "higher AV and the Holy Beast".
Back to chronology.
Yesterday. Feeling great, so great that it's out of habit. The huge wave of feeling great smashed my guard and I wanted to take this feeling to extreme. Still not believing in myself (sorry, Jeni, my blurred mind even forgot about your faith), I needed more, and more of this feeling.
Ok, components for "feeling great extension" (mix and shake as you wish):
- 2 ice-creams;
- 5 eclairs;
- 3 pastries.
Today sugar cravings are through the roof and I am going crazy.
My thinking is messed up and I can't tell apples from oranges, BS from holy BS, and my "old self" from "new one".
Somebody, help!
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