Hi, Pals.
Jeni - So sorry about your friend... Hold on... You are doing great - you don't drink, you don't smoke, you just face the life... Proud of you, my pal.
Bloss - glad you are feeling stronger today)
As for me...
I don't know what's going with me, but I messed up again. Big time.
Another issue came up here - from childhood, again - is it gonna be the end to these issues at all? I didn't pay a lot attention to it before, but now it became quite clear.
I don't want to sound as if I am whining or going on a pity pot here. I just want to look at it. I understand, there's no discussion with the Beast, but...
Anyway, let me explain. Back to my childhood there were times when money was so tight it was barely enough to buy food. And there was a short period, a week or so, when I starved. By starved I mean there was almost no food at all. It's such a humiliating feeling to feel desperately hungry. I think somewhere, in the back of my mind, still lives this fear. This illogical, irrational, burnt in my subconscious. It's crazy but still I can't refuse when I am offered food. It's like conditioned reflex - I have to eat when I have a chance to.
I still can't toss food - just can't. If I see some food is about to expire I will eat it up. I plan my grocery shopping so that I won't toss anything. Because I just can't bring myself toss food. If I have a full plate I will never leave anything - I will eat up everything. I just can't see food going to a trash bin.
Anyway, to make a long story short. This binge began on Tuesday when I was offered some nice chocolate candies. It pulled the trigger - moderation doesn't seem to work for me. I added up myself later.
Yesterday I was unexpectedly invited to the restaurant where I had cheesecake. Here we go - today I made another epic binge.
I feel so awful. I feel like I let you down, my pals. My Badass Midnight is fading and slipping away, I am holding to her tight, though.
I think I need some amendments to my Big Plan. Just a few for now:
1. I DON'T EAT SWEETS NO MORE. If moderation doesn't work for me - let it be so. No cakes, no candies, no cookies AT ALL. Because I know too well - it starts with "just one". Aha.
2. I am living one hour at a time. I've been told all my life that nothing depends on me. There are always "big people", "circumstances", anything but me. Ok, maybe. But, at least I can take care of one hour of my life. Right here. Right now.
Ok, that's for today.
Sorry, pals, for such an epic rant. I just feel so helpless, like my life is constantly slipping away and whatever I do I can't get things straight.
Anyway. I promise to myself. I promise to you, my pals - I will never do this again. The Beast is scared again. Screaming right now.
See you tomorrow)