Jeni26

As a teacher, I'm going to set you both a bit of homework...look up the book Soberlicious suggested near the beginning of the thread 'Taming the feast beast' or something similar. Equip yourselves with as much knowledge as you can so that you can be as positive and confident as is possible to be. Bloss..think about making a Big Plan and spend some time thinking about the REAL you. MB-if you get some free time, spend it doing something fun. Stop thinking about all the self-improvement just for an hour or so and be silly, extravagant, outrageous. Then the self-improvement bit doesn't seem like hard work but something you WANT to do instead. It seems worth it.

I'm going through some stuff at the moment. Unrelated to addiction but its the first major life-changing issue I've ever faced sober. It makes me remember why I drank. I'm not going to, not even close to going there. And I'm still not smoking and I'm going to the gym nearly every night. I'm being bugged every single day by the beast about smoking. Every single day I've almost given in. The voice 'you REALLY deserve one now...everyone would understand...just think, it will stop you from picking up a drink (?!)....' It knows I listen to it more than I should be, so it's picking up momentum.

BUT I CAN'T TO THAT TO MY KIDS...God, that commitment I made to them about the smoking is about as powerful as it gets. It just can't be broken.

Love to you both. You can do this thing. I know it x

MidnightBlue

Hi, Pals)

Thank you both for nice posts. I gos severe cold so staying in bed with high temperature and throat so sore that I could barely fall asleep last night.

I'll be back later)

MidnightBlue

Hi, all again.

I just popped in to say that my cold is till bad, I have somewhat 38.5C temperature and barely made it to the pharmacy. But still - though the beast is whining while I'm so weak I'm strong by far.

Jeni - thank you for the homework - you hit the point. I NEED this, and I WANT this. Just the other night I've been thinking that I am always way too serious about everything and take every small thing too close to my heart.

Stay strong, my badass pal)

I hope I'll feel better tomorrow.

Have a great weekend)

Jeni26

Feel better soon. My thoughts are with you x

bloss

M.B. take care, rest and I hope you feel better quickly

Jeni: thanks for the support about my issue with eating. I feel strongly you will kick the smoking out of your life...forever.

Have a weekend filled with strength and Happiness in the now. I plan to live right now and be me, not some incorrect teaching I learned from my grandmother about "weight" and how being underweight is the only way to happiness. Failure at that goal weight ends in overeating. My plan is To give up the ridiculous goal of a weight I can never safely achieve and stay at a healthy weight. I deserve to be happy with who I am, not someone else's idea of who I should be.
Have a good weekend
(())

Jeni26

I've already done it. Kicked it out. I'm a non-smoker, end of story.

Yes, Bloss time to re-write the script here. You are living in the here and now and can be who you want to be, and do what you want to do. Our pasts are our pasts and do not dictate our futures....

Have a good weekend xxx

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

Feeling better today, but still not great. Anyway took my car to the maintenance since it was scheduled. Feeling tired now.

Jeni - you know, your homework for me about been silly and stop self-improvement process for an hour turned out to be the hardest for me! I just can't relax. My mind goes non-stop about all this, and stress just keeps loading up. I've just realized I can't go on like this any more. Thank you for turning my attention to it!

Bloss - I am with you about "Here and now". For me it's still a thing to master as well. And I hear you about living with somebody else's idea imposed. It's a heavy burden. We do deserve to be ourselves and live our life, not to live up to somebody else's expectations.

I' so grateful to you, pals, for support.

See you tomorrow.

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals)

I've just defeated my beast.

I am still not feeling great, my nutrition was quit hectic, I feel exhausted after having high temperature.

So, my AV started to whisper: "Come on, go get yourself some delicious cakes, you deserve it, and so on."

Actually I got dressed, grabbed my keys and was on my way out... But I felt so bad about this. Like I'm defeated by my beast again. As if I am doomed to follow its nasty voice which tries to convince me that the only pleasure and joy in my life is cookies and cakes, and I should stuff myself with it because there's nothing good waiting for me tomorrow".

I stopped on my way. Put the purse back. Looked out the window and took a deep breath.

It was like breaking point. I won't listen to all this BS.

So, instead I cleaned up all the mess in the kitchen, cleaned my bedroom, changed sheets, took a shower, made myself cacao with cinnamon, and going to call in an early night.

I'm feeling like thousand times better!

I usually either absolutely win, or absolutely fail - once the day is not perfect - what the heck!

But I've just changed my usual scenario. I think it's another step toward the real badass Midnight)

I hope you had a great weekend, my badass pals.

Sending you positive vibes.

See you tomorrow)

Jeni26

That's so cool MB. Imagine how you would be feeling now if the beast had got its way!!

I spent the whole of yesterday afternoon next to a smoker at a BBQ. My beast didn't even bother whimpering...it's no match for me. Ha!

Bloss-you doing ok?

Xx

bloss

Hey guys,
Sunday evening, family get together last night, with my spouse's mom, dad, sister, brother. There are some old problems there, not my issue. Still, some things were said that threw me a curve. Still smarting a bit, but better now. Had a long talk with my hubby, new plan in place. As far as the (food) AV was loud last night, has quieted today. So all in all glad weekend is over and start new week on positive note. Jeni and M.B., glad to read you both did not succumb to your "beast". Sleep well, have a great Monday
Bloss

bloss

Morning, up early. Ready to get to work. Have a nice day all.

MidnightBlue

Hi)

Still in bed with my cold. But no "sweets cure" for me any more. Beast is whining, but not much.

Jeni - I just admire you! You sound so much much stronger and so positive and confident! Beast just doesn't even dare to mess up with you)

Bloss - glad to see you and that you start your week on the positive note! Have a great day.

See you tomorrow)

Jeni26

Poor you MB! Hope you pick up soon x

Hi Bloss x

I've never felt so completely confident about anything! Smoking has gone from my life. And this from someone who has attempted to quit at least 6 times this year, who was doubtful she could ever get past day 3, who had almost resigned herself to being a smoker for the rest of her life....

Never again. There isn't a glimmer of doubt.

soberlicious

Love reading you guys!

I like to think of my beast as similar to the all powerful wizard of oz. At first everyone is scared of the big booming voice and the supposed power, when in reality the wizard is nothing but a sniveling douchebag with a microphone behind a curtain. No power there, except from those who believe the lie.

Once you see the truth, once it hits you you've been duped....well, there's no going back.

Jeni26

Thanks SL...that's so true. It really seems to have lost its power now I recognise it.

I think the positive changes in lifestyle are helping too. What would be the point in getting fit if I'm still smoking? I couldn't go to the gym and then light up driving home...that is just plain ridiculous!! I have loads more energy now. And I can smell the perfume my H bought me and enjoy wearing it!

I like being a non-smoker. It was a good move. Thanks for your support and encouragement x

soberlicious

I have done this...for years...and yes, it's beyond ridiculous.

this too!!!! Tainting my Chanel with Marb Lights borders on blasphemy. I get compliments on smelling good all the time now.

With the cigarette money I've saved in just under a year I have almost completed a 3/4 sleeve tattoo. Not everyone's cup o tea I know, but I not only find it aesthetically pleasing, it also reminds me daily of my freedom. When I told a friend if mine how much I had saved he said, "Smoking is certainly an expensive way to kill yourself. A bullet would be quicker and cheaper."

Yep, exactly.

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals)

It was really hard for me to write this post. I've been hesitating a lot before posting this. It turned out to be way too personal. But I felt like I finally had to take it out because there's just too much to keep inside.

It's just more for me to let it out.

I'm sorry about this.

First, it was hard to admit another defeat. And I don't understand what I missed this time.

Long story short I went just on the epic binge. Severe cold, temperature, coughing, no gym undermined my immature AV-defense and I surrender.
I sabotaged myself. Again. Sabotaged badly. And sabotaged exactly when I was few steps away from achieving my goal.

Who knew - this "harmless" and silly binge eating turned out to be the tip of a huge nasty iceberg.

Now I know I have to be on guard all the time. 24/7. Because I got too close to the cave of the beast, and there's nothing it wouldn't try to escape his death and hide my real self from myself.

It uses now dirty tricks and" big guns".

My issues appeared absolutely distinctly to me: I AM SURE I DON'T DESERVE A GOOD LIFE. My deep-rooted beliefs and patterns block me from achieving my goals. I just tracked this pattern. I screw up deliberately few steps away from what achieving what I want. The life I want is prohibited. Illicit. Disallowed. Taboo.

I can’t aim too high. It is not approved. Not allowed.

And deep inside I hear my Mom's voice.

I am afraid that if I am Badass, I will never get her improvement, I will never gain her love again. Because that's not the way she wants me to be. Still. Yes, I use the present tense here, though my Mom passed away 9 years ago.

All these years' I've been living with a tremendous sense of guilt that I hadn't done enough to make her life better, to fight her disease. (I lost her to cancer).

I've been working with therapist through all this. It's better now but still sometimes I can't cope with it.

I spent almost all night today writing a letter to her. I wanted to tell her everything that I couldn't tell back then. Once I grew up, we were never being able to have somewhat "constructive" conversation. If there was anything she didn't approve she just burst into hysterics, and that was her way to stand her ground - leaving me no opportunity to speak out my point of view.

Apparently I failed all the expectations she had pinned on me.

I don't know how the situation turned out with me being always guilty. I am the only one who's always guilty as charged.

My childhood is the part of life I would like to erase and burn out forever. I'd agree to have a big ugly scar even, but I want all the memories dead.

When I was 11 I was abused by my brother. I didn't tell my Mom because I wanted to protect her. She had a life hard enough, and I thought it would totally break her heart.

I know, it was a mistake. But, come on, I was a kid. And saw her struggling for life. I thought I was strong enough to cope with it myself.

Things got worse.

Anyway, my Mom died never knowing what happened.

When the pain of loss passed and lost its sharpness I realized that part of me hates her because of what happened.

Because she was always accusing me of a lot of crap not even knowing what I'd been through all this time. That a lot of times she preferred to turn a blind eye on what was happening. Because there was so much hatred in our house.

I honestly don't know why that is me who is emotionally tortured and torn apart constantly, while my brother seems to have a good time in life. And now I have to face this ******* and play "business-as-usual" in order to resolve these property issues, while the only thing I really want to do is to beat him senseless with my own bare fists.

Why is that me who is living with this sense of guilt because I both love and hate my Mom - and what kind of a person can do it?

Really. What kind of a person is pictured if referred to as hating her passed-away Mom and being not able to forgive her. And that's the feeling I wake up with every morning for the last 9 years. Ok, most of the mornings.

I can't bring myself to forgive her.

But somehow, I'm still seeking her love and improvement. And still can't get over it.

About 3-4 months before she passed away, I accidentally overheard her conversation with our neighbor - the person she rarely ever spoke before. She called me a monster. Talking to a stranger.

I was crashed, bewildered, taken aback. I didn't understand - why???? Yes, I am not perfect, far from being perfect. But monster? Really??

I wanted to shout out that I know the person who deserves this name much more than me. But I kept my mouth shut because though I did want let it out, I realized there was no point in telling her at that point when nothing could be done.

For a long time after she passed away I kept turning it on and on in my head: "Why? What did I do so terrible to call me a monster?".

I know that terminally ill people often don't realize what they are saying, but still.

Anyway.

All this time I feel like I'm constantly, everlastingly looking for evidence that I am not a monster.

As an attorney I am collecting pieces of evidence, finding witness to prove otherwise.

Like this court hearing is held every day. And every day the prosecutor has the one and only crashing evidence - my Mom calling me a monster. The closest person in the wolrd stamped me with this. And I have to come up with some hell of evidence to gain back my right to live and move on instead of poisoning myself with constant and destroying sense of guilt.

And evidence seems never good enough.

Now when I am looking deeper into this issue I can hear it distinctly.

Every time I am getting close enough to my goal. To making my life really better. To get to know and finally meet the real authentic me, this voice comes up. "You are a monster. You have no right to have a good life. You have to beat yourself up because you don't deserve anything but hard life and pain. You have to sit tight and redeem your guilt".

And I feel like I have nothing to set against it.

Under this "harmless" and "not so serious" overrating tremendous force of self-hatred and self-destruction hides.

I am punishing myself. Ruthlessly. I used to punish myself with wine. Now I follow the same pattern with food.

Yes, sweets won't kill me, but this emotional pain and self-destruction does kill me. Every day. Silently. Making my life a constant hell.

Unfortunately, I can't afford regular sessions with my therapist right now because my finances are... well, could be better to put it mildly.

But I have to get over it. I have. I have no choice but to do it. I've just looked at all my life, at these 9 years - it wasn't life. It was constant escape from pain, fight with sense of guilt, constant analyzing what I did wrong and looking for permission to start my own life at last. Guilt that never existed but somehow I was charged with. And I believed I was responsible for all this.

I still don't know how to deal with it.

But I think I have to make it all simpler.

I am tired of overcomplicating things.

Yes, I am a complicated human being, but...

But I have to survive. Period. And while I am figuring my way out of this mess I have to keep it simple.

How simple? Basically simple. As simple as it only could be.

1. I have body. It needs energy. Energy is taken from food. It's that simple.
2. My brain needs endorphins and emotional relief. Ok, I like exercising.
3. My brain builds biochemical electromagnetic paths every time I experience or think anything. And it builds patterns.
They say you can't destroy a pattern. Your best choice is to develop a new pattern and draw attention to the new one. Ok, then I'll do it.
4. I have to work on this every day. Never lose my focus. Never underestimate my beast. I am developing a new pattern. It will take time to build it large and massive enough to over shade the old ones.

It's simple.

No more "mysterious soul BS".

I want my life simple. I just simply want my life.

And one more thing. All this love I've been seeking. There's been always some pity involved. Not sure if it makes sense, but, ok. it makes to me.

You are right. I don't deserve pity. I deserve love. Just love. Unconditioned. Free of expectations. Free of charges. Just Love.

Simple. Isn't it?

Again, sorry, pals, for pouring all this here. But I cried tonight because pain was unbearable again.

I feel much better now.

Ok, Beast, meet the Badass Midnight. Wanna advice? Find yourself a corner. Hide. She has no mercy for you.

I think I need to start for a scratch. Re-read my Big Plan. Make new commitment. Take it seriously.

Because it is serious. For me.

P.S. If tattoo was my cup of tea, I think I would make one saying “Badass” to constantly remind me to stay in line. I think - maybe a silver bracelet with Badass carving?

See you tomorrow pals.

I’ll be fine. I know. I am confident. Tomorrow will be a new day. It will be a good day.

By the way. It’s midnight at my place - it means that I’ve just hit my 8-months sobriety milestone. Not bad, after all)

Jeni26

MB- how bloody fantastically brave and awesomely brilliant are you????

Hey, I hear you...lots of similar issues with me too. I spent the whole of my adult life hiding. I was stuck in that terrified child state of mind for the longest time and just drank feelings away. When I got sober the first thing I did was emotionally detach from my birth family. Hard to do because they made me feel guilty for abandoning them. I was abused-sexually, physically and emotionally. I never felt safe, loved or valued as I was growing up and the legacy of that has dictated my life. Worthless. Yes, thats the word. It became for me a bit of a default position and made me terribly sensitive to any form of criticism and want to run at the first sign of conflict.

I have to tell you this though MB.... It is only during the past few months that I've begun to see that it's possible to move on from this. No....it's PROBABLE that I will move on from this.

Did I deserve anything that happened to me as a kid? Was I responsible for it? Could I have changed it? No.

I am responsible for me now....I can choose to take care of me. I can stop hiding. I can learn how to deal with stress. I can trust and accept love from those around me who tell me that's how they feel about me. I can laugh. I can have fun. I can just let myself develop into the person I was always meant to be.

I have attached all sorts of personalities to my beast you know. It's the voice of my Dad who liked to beat me physically and with his words, it's my abuser, it's the school bully who liked to torment me.....when it tells me I'm crap, inadequate, never going to succeed it makes me think of them....

And you know what? I'm NEVER going to listen to them again!!!!

They are NOT GOING TO DICTATE MY FUTURE!!!

You are no monster...you never were. You are MidnightBlue, my badass pal.

Your new life starts from today.....

Jen xxxxx

And congratulations on 8 months of sobriety. Cool xxx

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni)

I just can't express how grateful I am to you for your post. It just brought tears to my eyes. And it was like I got a real warm hug of a good understanding friend. Thank you!

Yes, that's exactly how I behaved most of my life too.

And yes, my new life starts today.

I am happy that I am sober and can actually face all the issues openly. I can see things for what they really are. And I'm finally coming to realized who I really am.

My coughing gets better, and temperature dropped today. Can't wait to get back to the gym.


How's your day, my badass pal?)

Bloss - hi to you. Hope you are fine.

Jeni26

My day...my week....has been soooo stressful. My job is just impossible and I'm sure that's not just because I'm a perfectionist. There is just too much to do. I've had a couple of wobbly days but I'm pleased that I was able to go to my boss and speak about the unrealistic demands being made of me (I didn't get anywhere but at least I spoke up!). I miss working with the kids so much. I made a mistake leaving the classroom and going into management. Sorting out conflict, dealing with professionals, chairing meetings, becoming involved in child protection cases and managing personnel issues puts me so far out of my comfort zone it leads to some major anxiety. My skills are in working with kids, and there is honestly nothing that phases me with them no matter the complexities of their needs or the severity of their challenging behaviour ( they all have severe and complex learning difficulties). But God...managing adults behaviour....it is a whole new ball game!! I think I'm basically still a disaffected kid so I can relate better to like minded little people!!

Actually that turned into a bit of a rant sorry! It's Friday night and I'm exhausted...all will seem better after a good nights sleep.

I'm ok really. Got some family anxieties, it's Father's Day on Sunday in the UK and that brings its own issues.

All in all...nothing that I can't cope with.

I'm a badass after all xxx

Where did you go Bloss?