trachemys

jkb, even with all the booze, my memory is still sharp and clear, except for the blackouts, far back into childhood. In some other thread on here someone said they were scared of how bad life would be without alcohol. So I listed out all the bad times alcohol had brought me that I could remember. I keep that list on my desktop. When IT gets nasty, I read to it.

Received

Not to hijack your thread, jkb, but I too am also experiencing this. It's very, very, frustrating for me especially when it just sort of slammed me upside the head. One minute I was mindfully rolling along and then BAM! I'm suddenly conscious of not remembering the horrible feelings I experienced when drinking. It's like I'm remembering not remembering. That's just some crazy sh*t.

This is day two of a bunch of WTF's and SMH.

jkb

Lol right. I hate to say I am glad you are aware of what I am talking about but, I am. Atleast I dont feel crazy. Last night I tried again to really remember the remorse and terror. It did come back slightly so I think maybe it is just that I am beginning to move forward without self-loathing.

trachemys-
I so wish I would have written down how bad it was when it was fresh and clear in my head. I am planning on spending some time doing that though. I do remember the events that brought me here just not the real emotions that went with it.

Who knows maybe in time it will all sort itself out. I am still far happier most days just being sober.... I think like Robby pointed out memoreis do fade over tme (paraphrase) that is just life.

I will remain sober because after all I do have a BP in place which I remember quite well.

soberlicious

I have shared this before, but when I recall the worst of times in my life, it is like watching a movie. I know it is me, and I can clearly remember all the worse events, but it is like me watching someone else do these things, like me watching someone else's life fall apart. I know that I don't feel it now like I felt it then, that's for sure. I have whole periods of childhood I cannot remember though, so I'm not sure I'm the norm when it comes to memory. I think the brain can do some pretty interesting things in the name of protection and self-preservation.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, even though I can recall this or that, I'm very often detached and indifferent. I'm from an abused background, so this is pretty cool being detached.

Received

Well I'm on the way out to drown my detached, childhood abused, chunks of time missing, remembering not remembering, shriveled up beast with a bunch of fire sucking chicken wings and their isn't a damn thing it can do about it.

jkb

Well, as interesting as this conversation has become I am glad to say that horrible feeling of indifference to everything has gone away. My brain is playing tricks on me and my beast is quite active again. It started up terribly yesterday and really didn't let up. I am not going to lie and say I wasn't worried because I really was. I felt like going and buying liquor. Instead I stuck with it and took a hot bath followed by a nice dinner. Still felt very "out of it" but, didnt drink so thats what matters. Stressed out today..... Thanks for all your responses, Jess

trachemys

Good job, jess!

My world went bizarro this morning with a phone call from my mom. More details as they come in. My beast played the Bud Light "Here We GO!" commercial for me immediately. Told IT to run down to the store and get what IT wanted, no limit.

IT's still just sitting there. Silent.

C"MON WORLD, TRY ME. I DO NOT DRINK.

jkb

trachemys-
I so understand. Honestly last night I thought it had me beat. I was frustrated, exhausted, and it was making me insane with the "come on a glass of wine wont really hurt" thought... Strange thing is I am a beer drinker...(or was a beer drinker).
I want to stay sober but, my beast, well, not so much. It has it all planned out. "just one", "just tonight and start over later", and now its.. "you were never out of control". Uuugghh.... I am going a bit crazy. I thought month two would be easier than month one but, lately it seems harder. Or maybe I am just being a whiny-baby....lol

trachemys

<---fixes jkb's sentence

Nonsensical

You might not remember how bad things got, but you can remember this: The Beast tells lies.

Knowing that, you can never believe anything it tells you.

jkb

That is very true and it is the thought I have been holding onto. Last night I was in a pretty bad way with beast activity. It had me ALMOST convinced that I wanted a drink. However, I took a moment and realized... it was lies. Thanks Non, your a great cyber-friend.

Nonsensical

jkb

Well kind-of knew it was coming bc I wasn't handling things the way I needed to. I had 5 glasses of wine last night. Guess the big plan wasn't made. Sorry I wasted everyones' time. Thanks for your support anyway... especially you nonsensical and soberlicious.... Sorry I let you down. I wont waste anyones time anymore. Thread closed.

trachemys

From your first post:

"I want to have some accountability so I figured on here it would be alot easier to be "called out" on my thinking."

Don't you DARE think you wasted anyone's time. Five weeks of sobriety, one slip, and the world ends?

Rethink, reload, retry. Keep on until it sticks. It will.

jkb

I feel like a f***ing loser. I was doing so well and now I just feel like giving up.

Nonsensical

Jess is too racked with guilt to want to escape that easily. Get the keyboard away from your beast and come back here. Cyberhugs are waiting.

Nonsensical

This is an unfortunate by-product of defining success exclusively as total lifetime abstinence (TLA).

TLA is a worthy and noble goal, no doubt about it. But...
In the past I got drunk every day. If I set my goal as TLA, but only succeeded at reducing my drunkenness to once a month am I a total failure? I think not. Even at one drunk a month I've made my life a helluva lot better than every day.

As has been pointed out, TLA is easier to manage for those of us with a beast sporting a maladaptive appetite for alcohol. Falling short, however, is not a complete disaster. It's just not complete success. Do not confuse those two things.

Your beast wants you to feel hopeless. She lies. (Remember?)

C'mon back, please. I've work to do here and I need your help.

jkb

I need to get a grip that's for sure. Sitting here at work. Yep beating myself up and thinking "why bother" Not a very productive attitude I guess. I am human after all. I made a mistake... Had a lapse in judgement. Giving up on myself seems kind of stupid. I had five straight weeks sober now I have nothing. Idk what to do.

Nonsensical