jkb

Oh Nonsensical-
I just really thought that these days were done. It is a never ending battle it seems. I really dont want to give up I guess. Just really mad at myself. Your awesome and I am definitely being insane about it. My beast is saying log off and give up you suck.. Jess

trachemys

Think of how I felt just last week when I had polished off ten liters of wine and a half gallon of vodka in a three day bender.

Get up, brush it off, start again. Giving up is suicidal.

soberlicious

That's such crap AV talk...all is not lost.

Of course there are many ways to look at it...but I will share what RR says about it, since that's the focus of this thread.
and there is also this point:
"Others go further and get drunk, only to find the experience feels awkward and uncomfortable. AVRT builds on itself. When one has a sincere desire to quit drinking and drugging, it matters little what the beast does; the self-you-will naturally prevail."

Strive on with diligence. (The Buddha said that )

Nonsensical

I think (and hope) that it's a never-ending war, but the actual battles will get fewer and fewer over time. My impression is that Robby, 30+ years sober, still works at it, even if he isn't in daily battles with his beast like we are.

Even after just 43 days I have noticed a slight decrease in attacks. Yesterday, for example, I found myself home alone in the evening. This was always an excuse to drink in the past - less hiding required (just hiding the empties when done). It crossed my mind last night, but I just killed some cyber-dragons instead (PC game). 4 weeks ago the beast would have been attacking me all evening.

You went 5 weeks without a drink. How amazing is that? I couldn't even conceive myself capable of such a feat last year at this time.

If it was easy everyone would do it.

RobbyRobot

When we make the goals of not drinking more important then anything else we got going for us, we're often left with nothing better then to return to drinking. Weird, eh?!

We return to drinking not because we "failed", but more that we succeded in proving to ourselves we have nothing better or worse to do, and that we're not losing much by drinking: its called justifying our behaviors to satisfy our thoughts/feelings about ourselves/ourlives.

Quality of life.

I quit drinking so I could live a good life. Drinking was stopping me. I quit to be free, not to be a slave to not-drinking. I quit to be myself, drinking was stopping me from being me.

Quality of life.

Would I myself return to drinking if I could not "see" me appreciating quality living?

Yeah, I would. What would stop me? Quit drinking to live a sucker's life? Be a sober loser? Um, no.

This is exactly why I take what I need from whatever to enjoy my free life. Living in a box labled 'non-drinker inside' for me would blow big time.

Besides drinking or not drinking, how is your life otherwise right about now, jkb? I know you're feeling like a loser, but look past those temporary feelings and mindset...

You can, of course, quit drinking again. And you will quit again, I'm sure.

Thanks for having the courage to share, Jess.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, I work at the quality of my life, which in fact beats down my Beast something stupid, lol.

Wrestling with actually drinking a drink though hasn't happened since around 1989-90 -- when I was suicidal for reasons I won't get in to in this thread. I was 9 years sober at that time.

I work at being me.

soberlicious

I can only speak for myself, but after the switch flipped for me 6 years ago, I very rarely have thoughts of drinking, and if I do it's followed by "wow...that was so totally weird..." but to be honest it's more humorous now to me than anything else. I am always fascinated by how the mind works.

jkb

you know you are all actually right. Drinking didn't "feel right" last night. It felt like a stupid decision. I had five weeks sober and now what I have is five weeks sober with a slip up. I am learning alot about myself and change is not easy.
Soberlicious... my beast is having a field day with this. Glad to reread that portion.
And Robby your right. I was living not to drink. Looking back at it... Other than last night life is going well. I am becoming someone I never thought I could be.
My beast wants me to believe that since I screwed up last night I am incapable of sobriety. Yep that is crap. Logging off of here and accepting saying to myself that I cant do this...that is failure. I screwed up and ahve learned a valuable lesson.

You guys are the best.

jkb

Thank you for putting it in perspective.

trachemys

I'm very selfish in wanting to see you succeed so if I can do anything to help, I will.

jkb

Thanks trachemys-
The old me would have made this a "why bother you are such a failure" event. That was my first reaction obviously. I have learned something in the past five weeks... remain calm and deal with life. I apparantly haven't gotten sobriety down yet but, I have a feeling I am in a far better place still then I was 5 weeks ago... Stupid five glasses of wine were not worth this. Jess

trachemys

You are in a better place. I'm in a better place than I was a week ago. If I had not found RR, and SR, and people like you, I wouldn't be.

jkb

You are super sweet. The hangover will pass and I have learned a valuable lesson. And Robby I was being a slave to not drinking.... I think I will ride it out and start again.

jkb

So, I have walked around at work and really thought about what all of you have been kind enough to share with me. I am dissapointed in myself but, I need to put what occured in perspective. 5 weeks ago I decided to change my life and wow how it has changed. Yep I did slip up and make a mistake however, thinking that the last 5 weeks now mean nothing does no good. That will lead me right back to where I was 5 weeks ago. My attitude has changed, I am a more positive person, I handle situations better, and I am a work in progress. Thanks for talking me off a ledge... this slip does not have to become a relapse into old behaviors if I accept it for what it was.

Received

jkd I just now have had a chance to come online and check out your thread.

I haven't any words of wisdom but I do want you to NOT let your beast beat you up about drinking.

I've sure come to enjoy you and your posts.

(((hugs))) (heh, now I've made fluffalicious jealous)

soberlicious

LOL I don't get jealous...the more the merrier!

jkb

You are all so silly... So nice to read this. I have been in bed for three days with the flu. I thought of all of you but, was too sick to worry about much more than life/death. Lol. Ok maybe not quite that bad but close. Anyway back on track still and feeling ok about myself and sobriety in general. Thinking of you all. Jess

Nonsensical

I am glad you are feeling better. I was thinking about you earlier today.

jkb

Nonsensical-
You are so sweet. Thanks for the really kind thoughts. Today is actually far better than yesterday. Got sent home from work I was so sick and then this morning... woke up and it was like POOF.... so much better. Jess

Tippingpoint

Hey JKB - I had a slip up too at about the 60 day mark but knew instantly that it was wrong and that I hadn't lost anything. In fact I was thankful for the experience - it removed a lot of doubt for me and made me certain that sobriety was the right path for me.

I will soon be at two years since quitting. :-)