1shorty

today is my day also lets keep in touch

jkb

TippingPoint-
I am glad to hearthat you moved on and are now two years sober.... :bounce That is awesome. At first after I relapsed I was really down on myself. However , now I do feel it was whatever and I definitely learned from it. It was just like you said I felt wrong as I was doing it.... which is strange for me but, the way I look at it now is that of-course it felt strange considering I am a non-drinker. Non-drinkers dont drink so, yep it would seem strange. I hope that makes sense.
I also quit "counting time" after that relapse. I know the date I relapsed just because I know but, I am no longer saying "wow I have a week sober" or whatever. It just is not important. I am sober now and I am very happy about that. I am moving on with my life as a non-drinker. I am living it and enjoying it. Pre-relapse I was just living my life not to drink (as Robby put it). There is so much more to life than just not drinking.
So yep I would have to say a lot changed for me since I relapsed. I do not take for granted that I am sober but, I no longer live in fear of my beast like I did when I initially began this thread. I know it is there and it will act up when it feels like it but, I do feel also that I am capable of handling it. That is a nice feeling.
Jess

trachemys

That's just powerful, Jess. Powerful.

SoberKnitter

Hi guys, hopefully it's okay to join your thread. I'm so happy to find others using AVRT!

I'm just over a week in (new record for me), and feel great. Withdrawals, except for insomnia, are all gone. This time feels so different. I'm actually having a little fun recognizing the beast and dismissing it.

I do have some questions...

I know we, as non-drinking, normal people, don't need to count our days, but I kind of like it. I have an app on my phone that counts them, and I like looking at it (all the time). I like the idea of knowing the day I made my Big Plan, and quietly celebrating it for the rest of my life. Could this really harm me?

Also, for those of you who haven't drank in a while, how long until the beast dies? I know that it can't make me drink or use, but it is annoying, like a mosquito.

freshstart57

My beast has gotten smaller and less present over the last 18 months, slowly but very surely. I like the comparison to a mosquito, a faint bzzzzz once in a while, but mine never ever bites. A gentle mindful puff of breath and it disappears. Phhhhhhhht.

soberlicious

There is a lot of discussion in the old AVRT threads about this. I don't think counting time is always AV. My point in the old threads was, if you've made your big plan and recognize the AV and separate and dismiss, then how on earth count counting time cause a problem? I do know that the beast will try to use the concept of time in many ways, but if you understand that and this app is for sport, then...
I'd like to hear other opinions on it.
My beast is so weak it rarely makes any noise at all. If it does, it's not even like a mosquito, more like a gnat, except gone quicker.

ps I count my time since quitting smoking, and I count the money I've saved. I'm spending it on an expensive new piece of body art. I don't feel guilty spending money I would have otherwise smoked LOL

Nonsensical

I can relate to quite a lot here, Jess. I was afraid of my beast before I knew what IT was. When he was this mysterious voice in my head, this compulsion to drink I did not understand - IT unnerved me. Initial contact with AVRT put that to rest. I wasn't afraid of my beast. But...I did make the mistake of thinking I could IT out to play every once in awhile and it wouldn't be so bad. I let IT out last weekend and discovered within about 30 hours that it was a horrible idea!

But, like you said, I didn't fall all the way back to the previous bottom. Perhaps I had learned enough about AVRT and my beast to get IT back in it's cage before things got even worse. Perhaps something else was at work. I don't know, and I am not terribly interested in knowing. Beast is caged and IT has seen the last of the sunshine.

And, that is indeed a nice feeling.

We're gonna be alright, Jess!

fini

SoberKnitter,

i counted days for my first few weeks, just because of the daily "wow!" factor. after that, i just moved on to weeks and months and...ja, years!
there is a woman i know who is entirely aware of her day-count every day, and signs off with signatures like "2752 days sober by choice", and that is about celebrating for her.
i can't imagine how it would harm her...

what i've seen quite frequently that looks like a possible set-up is the goal-setting of counting, things like "i want to get to 30/90/100/365 days". when i hear that, i tend to want to ask about day 31, 91, 101 and 366.
but that's just me; it seems like a "and then what??" thing.
but that's not so for everyone i've seen do it.

from what you say it sounds like something that enhances and re-inforces your positive feelings about your sober days.

jkb

Hi SoberKnitter,
I say if you want to count... count away. If it helps you to feel that your accomplishing something... I dont see the harm in it. After I relapsed I quit counting. Not really on purpose but, because I just didn't see the value in it. Of-course I know the date of my relapse but, to me it just doesn't mean too much now. It has become about "now". However, I am sure I may have a bit more "happy-in-my-head" on 30 days or 60 or whatever.

Non-
I love what you say about the myseterious compulsion to drink. THAT WAS ME... I could not understand why I kept drinking. I knew I didn't really want to but, felt I could not stop. The down side of my relapse is that my beast is keeping that info as ammo against me...It says "Oh but, you did drink despite your big plan". It is trying to make me second guess myself.

Soberlicious and Fresh-
It is a nice happy thought that this beast will quiet down so I thank you for that and Fini... if you read through this thread you wil see I was a goal-setter. I just wasn't aware of it. Maybe thats why I have to not "count days".

lots of great insight here for a newbie like me to all of you.
Non- we are definitely going to be ok... and SoberKnitter... you are one of us now... dont go anywhere...lol Jess

fini

and Fini... if you read through this thread you wil see I was a goal-setter. I just wasn't aware of it. Maybe thats why I have to not "count days".
when i was very very new at this, a group of us were yakking about "sobriety" goals and such, and a long-sober person tossed out something along the lines of "well, waddaya want, you think it would be great to have your tombstone say "died sober"?????"
nothing wrong with that timeframe

jkb

Lol so true....

jkb

I feel as if I am back Last night I had a terrible fight with my teenage daughter. Last time I chose to drank it happened after a huge fight with the teenage daughter. So, as all of you parents know she says the meanest thing she can think to say after about an hour into this fight and that is "Why dont you just go get a drink". By now fight is out of control so I walk outside e-cigarette in hand and sit down and realize "There is not a chance in hell of me drinking". I had not even thought about it... Wow, anyway I suppose this doesn't have alot to do with a big plan but, I feel bad hi-jacking the "commitment thread" in case someone wants to read it for "commitment issues" they dont need to read all my crap. So anyway, that was a big thing for me last night. Just thought I would tell you guys.

fini

ah ja, they know the buttons, don't they, those teenagers....

good going, Jess. and your posts fit well into anything titled "commitment issues", no doubt
yay for feeling more solid!

soberlicious

Jess...I have three 15 year olds (yes, triplets) and I just want to say I feel your pain. 3 crying infants needing to be fed at once, 3 toddlers running in different directions, three grade schoolers with science projects on the same night...you know what?...all of that was a walk in the park compared to these teenage years.

I'm so glad you walked away and didn't respond and certainly didn't let your beast grab onto that little tidbit.

I have no words of wisdom here, I'm just hanging on myself LOL

SoberKnitter

I will think about teenagers the next time my boys (kitties) are being naughty. The worst thing they've ever done is unravel my knitting, and even then it was adorable.

Seriously, way to go all you parents of teenagers.

Nonsensical

Jess, your daughter wouldn't eff with you if she knew what a badass you are.

My children are 19, 20 and 25 - so I have survived the teenage years. Let me assure you that going through the teenage years is worth every second when you realize you have wonderful adult children.

There were few, if any, negotiations with my children as I was raising them. I inherited my father's 'do-it-my-way' attitude and roaring lionic voice. I never once made arguing with me an option for them.

So, while I felt deeply ashamed that they felt compelled to gang up on me and sit me down the first weekend in February and tell me I needed to stop drinking, I also felt an enormous surge of pride that they had the stones to do it.

jkb

Fini-
Its funny people can get to "know you" over the internet. My boyfriend of 6 years (who has been asking me to marry him for 4 of those years) would agree with you compleatly..... :rotfxko

Soberlicious-
I honestly dont know how you handle 3 at a time. I was a total screw up from when she was 5 till 11 though (her father had primary custody) so as angry as I get with her I am just glad she has been back with me for the past 3+ years. I can never forgive myself for the precious time I missed with her though.

SK-
Thanks I needed the laugh.

Non-
You always brighten my day.....
Jess

soberlicious

. Me too. I drank heavily and daily from their ages of 2-9. Although they have always been with me, I was unavailable for years. One momma to another, I know what you are saying. Now we know better, we do better. xo

jkb

So true soberlicious... It is very hard to try and forgive myself for it but, I am glad to be able to have "now" with her... fights and all.

jkb

Well, here I am another 30 days but far different than my last 30 days... I will not be running to AA to get a chip or making a nice dinner for myself. I am just glad to be in a new sober life. Maybe I will celebrate 60 days. Still mad about the 5 glass of wine night. If not for that I would have had over 2 months....

Anyway, I have been feeling oh so sorry for myself. As previously stated I am in "self reflection" mode. I feel I should have been a better mom and [B]I should have however, I was a pretty good mom for my age. I was in my early 20's when I had my daughter and I made some mistakes. ALOT of mistakes but, even when I only had her three days a week I tried. The last 3+ years it has just been me and her. It was a tough adjustment and I need to give us both some credit. We are doing ok.

I should never have screwed up my career and ended up with this pointless job. But I did. Stupid DUI 10 years ago... and the list of shouldn't have's goes on and on.

However, I am working on forgiving myself and better yet, accepting who I am. I know that I will never drink again. It is not me. Soberlicious, you are amazing. When you telll your story I compleatly understand. I become someone else when I drink and I really dont like that person. Growing up (at 36) is hard.

So, didnt want to hijack anyones thread... (Nonsensical I was eyeing yours for a hijack...lol bc dont you know its all about me...heehee) but, thought better of it and moved it over to mine.

Cheers to 30 days.... ok cheers with fancy glasses and NA beverages