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And the Big Plan is made...

Old 02-09-2013, 05:20 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I was waiting for one of y'all to come and explain it. I knew what was going with JKB and Non was AV but didn't know how to put it into effective words for them (not for lack of trying).

On a side note, shortly after that, I took a nap and dreamed I was walking "home" when my AV came after me, in the form of 7 punks (four in front of me and three behind me). I went around a corner and there was a huge heavy metal picnic table which I picked up and swung around like it was made of toothpicks. Sooooo weird and I woke up shaking.

I mean, I scared the crap out of these punks (AV) but the fear, before I picked up a 300 lb picnic table like it weighed 5 pounds was, well terrifying. Also, I clearly remember a bunch of people standing in their "homes" looking out the window and watching this unfold.

Creeeeepy.
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Old 02-10-2013, 08:59 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Freshstart and Soberlicious,
You both nailed exactly how I feel and what the AV is saying. Usually about 5 O' Clock it really starts to act up. Yesterday it started that... I was watching a show about a guy who had a hippo for a "pet". He would get in the water and "play" with the hippo... eventually his luck ran out and the hippo killed him. I thought "well yep that is what hippos do"... but, I also thought how foolish it is for me to "wrestle with my AV".
I am like that guy in the water with the hippo. I may get away with it here and there but, eventually it will kill me. Once I thought that... my beast shut up. It knew there was no way I was going to the store for it. I think my beast is trying to make me paranoid...lol. jkb
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Old 02-11-2013, 01:39 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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I love the thread. I read the RR book a few months ago. This thread has triggered a thought to pick it back up.

Cheers!
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Old 02-11-2013, 01:41 PM
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tammy711-
Yeah, I am glad to have it. It is my "crisis" thread. When I felt like I was going to pick up.... everyone was there to remind me of what I was about to do. Thanks, jkb
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Old 02-11-2013, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by tammy711 View Post
I love the thread. I read the RR book a few months ago. This thread has triggered a thought to pick it back up.

Cheers!
Hey tammy!

I just got mine not too long ago and I am already reading it for the second time.
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Old 02-12-2013, 01:06 PM
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So, doing fine on my BP. No major thoughts of drinking but, now it is GUILT. Guilt over things I am guilty of but, cant change. I did horrible things when I was drinking. I know they address this in AA but, it is not addressed in RR. Is this my AV's newest ploy? Did any of you do awful things when drunk? How are you dealing with it now? Not sure how to forgive myself or if I deserve forgivness. ????
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Old 02-12-2013, 03:50 PM
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I relate to this 100% jkb, and this is how I have travelled this road. For me, there weren't instances of my behaviour that required restitution in any material sense that I hadn't already addressed at their time of occurrence. I didn't owe money, I hadn't broken anything I hadn't replaced, for example.

But there were all sorts of other things I had done that I was not proud of, not by a long shot. These were instances of me being a jerk and an a$$h**e, not to put too fine a point on it. The self talk that circulated around these actions was really keeping me depressed, a constant reminder of my lack of maturity and refusal to take responsibility for my actions.

The day I quit drinking, I went through a period of acceptance. I accepted that I no longer drank, I accepted that I had done some things I was not proud of, and I accepted that those things cannot ever be undone. My means of restitution was to stop drinking and start doing the right things during this present moment. I made a FreshStart, as it were.

Part of the stuff I learned with AVRT was mindfulness, about how to pay attention to the present to the exclusion of fretting over things in the past that can't be changed, or things in the future that haven't yet happened. The past just is, and the best we can do is to accept that these things happened, and will never happen again.

Part of the oomph I got that let me do this was simply my resolution to quit drinking. I had taken control and responsibility again of my life and I was doing the right thing for the right reason now.

I hope this can help you, jkb. Best to you.
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Old 02-13-2013, 07:58 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Smile

Originally Posted by freshstart57 View Post
I relate to this 100% jkb, and this is how I have travelled this road. For me, there weren't instances of my behaviour that required restitution in any material sense that I hadn't already addressed at their time of occurrence. I didn't owe money, I hadn't broken anything I hadn't replaced, for example.

But there were all sorts of other things I had done that I was not proud of, not by a long shot. These were instances of me being a jerk and an a$$h**e, not to put too fine a point on it. The self talk that circulated around these actions was really keeping me depressed, a constant reminder of my lack of maturity and refusal to take responsibility for my actions.

The day I quit drinking, I went through a period of acceptance. I accepted that I no longer drank, I accepted that I had done some things I was not proud of, and I accepted that those things cannot ever be undone. My means of restitution was to stop drinking and start doing the right things during this present moment. I made a FreshStart, as it were.

Part of the stuff I learned with AVRT was mindfulness, about how to pay attention to the present to the exclusion of fretting over things in the past that can't be changed, or things in the future that haven't yet happened. The past just is, and the best we can do is to accept that these things happened, and will never happen again.

Part of the oomph I got that let me do this was simply my resolution to quit drinking. I had taken control and responsibility again of my life and I was doing the right thing for the right reason now.
I hope this can help you, jkb. Best to you.
I went home and read some of my mindfullness book... you are soo right. I can't beat myself up about things I can't change. (Serenity prayer???) Right now is all I have and the rest is history. I also read some RR and realized this is my beast attempting to make me feel like "not drinking is useless the damage is done"... thanks for this freshstart....
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Old 02-13-2013, 08:48 AM
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I think some guilt is realistic and you will address as you need to in moving forward. As long as the guilt is not in any way a suggestion of future use, then it's not AV, it's just guilt. I considered the guilt I had for the things I had done, most especially to my children, to be normal and appropriate. I used it to make some real changes, then let it go. Guilt has a purpose and can be useful, but can also cross the line into being harmful when one hangs onto it w/o action. Just my .02
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Old 02-13-2013, 09:14 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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I think that is the hard part. I have to distinguish "this is normal" from "this is dwelling". If I don't do that then dwelling turns into the whole "why bother" mentality which is not in any way useful. Acceptance of my past is what I am struggling with. The person I was versus who I am trying to become. I hope that makes sense.
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Old 02-13-2013, 10:22 AM
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Yes, it makes sense. "Why bother" is definitely AV. That suggests future use.

Acceptance of your past? It happened. There is no way to deny it.

You can become the person you want to become. Your past need not have any bearing on that endeavor.
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Old 02-17-2013, 08:03 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Horrible beast activity two days ago. It just kept on and on from about 4 pm till 8 pm or so. "Have a drink", "sobriety sucks"... I mean it was just blatantly going for it. I felt like just giving in. Finally I was like "all right...keep it up I dont care I am going home and you can jabber away all you want." It shut up about a half hour later. Must quit engaging the beast...
Been sober 2 weeks.... yay.
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Old 02-17-2013, 08:24 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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well done jkb,,,
big hugs x lv cleo xx
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Old 02-17-2013, 08:39 AM
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Thanks Cleo,
I really think we learn a little more each time the beast acts up and we dont act on it. Jess
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Old 02-17-2013, 09:46 AM
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Yep, it's a sobriety muscle that gets stronger, more flexible and more capable every time we use it.

And engaging the Beast is a mug's game - sooner or later the house wins. It's entirely possible and easier every time to just smile at it. The worst it can do is really nothing at all.
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Old 02-17-2013, 01:18 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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Thanks Fresh,
so true... a sobriety muscle. I think it is recognizing the feelings as AV that is difficult for me. I used to think "oh I feel ____"(fill in the blank). Now if I am feeling miserable or anxious I have to really wonder if it is me feeling it or my beast. However, I get that if its a feeling that could lead to use its AV. I dont know ... lots more reading to do.
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Old 02-17-2013, 03:13 PM
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JKB, the definition of the beast makes it dead easy to spot. If a thought is about how having a drink right now might be a good idea, that is your AV. If a thought is about having a drink soon, that is your AV. If it is about having a drink at any time later, that is AV.

For me, it is perfectly fine and good to have all sorts of thoughts, some pleasant and happy while others are unpleasant and make me uncomfortable. These are not AV, these are just being alive and experiencing what life is offering. It is only when the Beast cuts in line, and tries to work these ideas into ideas of drinking that the alarm bells should start to go off.

The Beast can also be found in thoughts of self-doubt, in any lack of self confidence. While this might be new territory for you, and it certainly was for me after decades of heavy drinking, the simple monumental achievement of putting the bottle down showed me that since I can do this I can do anything I put my mind to. I actually feel entitled to feel proud of myself, to feel good about me, to feel strong and good. After all, I quit drinking.

I know it is the same for you, jkb. Keep posting, and keep believing in yourself. You are doing fantastic.
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Old 02-18-2013, 10:34 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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Thanks Freshstart,
I think I am depressed. However, I am going to re-read what RR says about the addicto-depressive disorder (i think thats what its called)... Not sure what is up with me but, I am very "meh" lately. Not drinking though and your right I am proud of myself for that. jkb
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Old 02-20-2013, 02:10 PM
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And now I dont even know why I made a BP. Its my friday, snow is on its way... and I will probably be drinking in 2 hours.
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Old 02-20-2013, 02:21 PM
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If you don't want to drink, don't. You make decisions based on good reasons now. If you are mindful of feeling sad, you can ask yourself if drinking will make you less sad, or more sad. If you are feeling bored, will you become more or less bored?
Take it apart and break it down. What are you feeling? Sit and just be with these thoughts - nothing bad will happen. You can give yourself a shot in the arm by just allowing yourself to be as you are right now.

You are kind, and smart, and good and brave, all sorts of good things. You can do what you need to do, and be who you is. Something something. Anyway, you can do this if you simply believe in yourself.

JKB, keep posting OK? If you need someone to talk to, give the chat room a try.
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