soberlicious

Oh hell no...no way I would miss fighting zombies by being drunk. I will keep my wits about me during the ZA, thank you very much.

And of course it "will stick"...you will make sure of that. "We will see" is AV nonsense. IT needs to shut IT's piehole.

fini

yay, triple digits!
as far as it "sticking"....you have control over whatever you decide to do to help that along.

jkb

Thanks fini-
Triple digits was a BIG deal for me.

However, I really do feel that it is important to figure out why I have not made a BP since my last drinking episode.....So, I finally got over the "family BBQ" idea by rewriting that picture in my head to include...well the truth. However, then I was like, 'Well with that idea done I should surely feel confident in a BP". So, I thought of all the reasons I thought I might ever drink again (as suggested in the book) and there were A LOT less... each one I took and dissected and saw the flaw in my thinking. Saw how it was really beast activity. Separated my thinking from its thinking.

The thing about it is I am realizing that in some ways I still see drinking as a positive. A perfect example of this happened last night. Standing on my bf's deck last night and we were talking to his neighbor. She says she is headed to the bar to watch the hockey game. All of a sudden I feel angry. I was so resentful that I didn't GET to go to the bar and drink. Beast chimes in: So, really you are NEVER going to go to the bar and order a beer EVER again in your life? Really?

So, point is I had a brief tantrum going on in my head. A "why me.. its not fair..." moment. I know I can't go have ONE or TWO beers and then leave satisfied like she probably can so why do it at all? BUT, I still thought for a few minutes that she was the luckiest person alive to get to go drink alcohol at a bar.

Wow.. ok I just proof read that and everything I highlighted is beast... not just the one thought as I suspected.... Hmmm... apparently I still have a ways to go with this. Re-reading that I feel a bit silly... I am not going to delete it though bc others may see even more AV then I found. Besides you all understand .

At any rate Soberlicious, after too much Walking Dead... I believe you to be correct on that... Probably best to stay sober for that one. The idea of turning into a "walking dead jess" that eats my friends and family.... not appealing. :rotfxko

Jess

soberlicious

Brilliant!
I'm glad you didn't delete. Every bit of the bold is IT.
How is it that you think you "still have a ways to go with this"? You nailed it all on your own.

I've written about this before in old threads and I don't know if it will make sense to anyone, but in working with my son who has autism and with other DD children, when modifying a behavior there is often a "response burst" at first when the behavior greatly intensifies before it extinguishes. During that time, it appears that the plan is not working, it appears that there is a regression or worsening of the behavior, so that's when people generally give in to the behavior, which of course reinforces it.

When I would tell my son"no" to something at the store, his reaction was often loud and violent, throwing himself to the ground, hitting or biting himself, screaming. Of course it's extremely uncomfortable for me so initially I was like "okay, okay calm down, you can have the gum"...and in doing so I began to create patterns of behavior that were extremely hard/seemingly impossible to modify over time. When I understood the dynamic, and the long term result, it was much easier to stick through the hard part. Remembering that it does not stay at that level of intensity as long as I am consistent was critical.

People often say, "never just stresses me out too much....so I'm not going to think in terms of never"...this is an example of the Beasts "response burst" at work. And nothing puts a bigger smirk on the beasts face than this mindset.

uh...yeah...gives a whole new meaning to the "family BBQ" you mentioned.

jkb

"never just stresses me out too much....so I'm not going to think in terms of never"

Yep that has been my theory... NOW I see why you must think in NEVER terms. It is the only way to fully expose every facet of the beast. Without the NEVER you are still giving the beast a MAYBE. My beast loves MAYBE.

uh...yeah...gives a whole new meaning to the "family BBQ" you mentioned. Hee, hee...

jkb

So, I found out that my mom had a minor stroke... She is ok but, I do believe that the overall unhealthiness of her lifestyle is not helping matters. So, I decided to pick up and drive the 2000+ miles "home" to see her and my brother. Now as most of you know both of them are heavy drinkers.

So, once I made this decision I was surprised at how happy and relieved I was. After all I had made a decision and I am sober and empowered, right? Then I start thinking "Well when I get there I may drink a little to take the edge off"... wait what??? No, I wont. (my thought)..."yeah, you may as well. Why are you going if not to drink? You can't change her health? You can't make anything better? You want to go spend time with her right? Well that is how the two of you tend to spend your time. How bad is it going to make her and your brother feel if you are sitting there without a drink?"

So, I call and talk to her and she reiterates that she is fine and there is really nothing I can do when I get there. That her health is just failing and I have to accept that and move forward....it could be months or years.

I decided to stay home and became VERY sad for the last few days. Not just because I am worried about my mom (which I definitely am) but, because I am just so f***ing confused. I know that I don't drink however, this type of thinking still concerns me. The beast will use any situation to its advantage to get that drink... that's for sure.

So, with all that said I guess I am typing this just to "check in" with everyone and say... uugghh. 112 days sober and think maybe I am starting to really "get it". For now I will stay here, work my job, raise my child and move in with bf as planned. No running off to the beach and getting drunk...

soberlicious

I actually recommend the "running off to the beach" part...just no to the getting drunk part.
I'm sorry about your mom. Being very sad is the appropriate response.

RobbyRobot

Sorry about the news about your Mom, jkb. I wish there was something I could do besides words of comfort and empathy.

About that confusion and being sad about your mom and the trip home... I would like to suggest you don't buy into being confused about whatever might be AV about drinking around any of that visiting and being with your mom and family.

AV can easily stoop low enough to use your sincere feelings about your mom's situation and try to get you to think those same honest feelings also are weaved into possible future drinking opportunities. Don't buy into any of that. Those feelings really have nothing to do with future drinking, so please don't believe they do. Just don't go there with those lies.

Remember, AV can use anything we experience in thoughts, ideas, feelings etc etc and twist any of that into future opportunities to drink. Also remember that none of those opportunities actually exist in your real life... so don't feel bad about things that haven't even happened. Don't feel threatened by your addictive voice lying to you about whatever. Don't worry about being confused about future drinking cause the real truth is you don't drink anymore, jkb.

And, I'm sorry your feeling sad, helpless, and confused, about the real issues of course, jkb.

Hey,

freshstart57

Sorry to hear about your Mum, jkb, but I am happy that you have seen your way past another AV rally. The post above preceded the news about your mother's health issues, but it really strikes deeply into your AV. It defines your Big Plan in no uncertain terms.

Your sobriety is something you control, just like any other aspect of your behavior. Your mother's health and your AV, on the other hand, fall into that pile of things that are outside of our control, and acceptance is the way to deal with them. The existence of your beast and its resourcefulness is dismaying to you right now, but this uneasiness will dissipate when you remember your BP, and what it offers you. There will be sadness and grief which no amount of alcohol can fix, but there will also be love, beauty and joy in small measures, and alcohol will forfeit these reasons that make our life livable.

Maybe some time at the beach where you can be with your fine self, to allow yourself to roll over these thoughts and feelings and grind them smooth is something positive and useful you can do for yourself. You have this sobriety thing down, jkb, but you need to see that your way forward is clear, straight, and true, and believe it for yourself. Onward!

Vandermast

i wish you well with your big plan and hope it comes off.....to take a stand against alcoholism is indeed a noteworthy task and commitment.

go you good thing

jkb

Thanks guys/girls-

Should have made it more clear that this "trip" would have really messed with any financial stability I have currently made for myself and that is why I decided against it. I really wish I could afford to go and be there but, unfortunately I am not independently wealthy so I just cant. Its a three day drive there/back and then a few weeks with her puts me out of work for a month. Of-course my job will pay me for some of it but, not all and I am the sole source of income for my home.

Part of me thinks it is time just to move back (which would be a more valid option considering she could be sick for months or even years). Abandon the great job, amazing boyfriend, and just go home. However, this other part of me wonders why I want to do that? Sure it would be really nice to see my mom and be there for her but, her health has been deteriorating for many years and she has refused to quit drinking, she is coddling my brother (who is currently living with her) into his own early grave, they both drink daily and it just makes me angry that they wont help themselves.

So, it is not the beast I fear... I was very surprised that part of the reason I wanted to go and spend time with her was:
Well when I get there I may drink a little to take the edge off"...

and then when I firmly restated that I do not drink all of a sudden my rational side kicked in and said, "what are you doing? She is going to die at some point. Your brother and her are very active alcoholics and there is NOTHING you can do when you get there except watch them do it to themselves."

So, at any rate, I had made a plan to move in with my bf of 6 years in Sept. and now I see that I have the perfect excuse to run away again. Go back "home" to no job, no place to live, etc... but start over none-the-less.

I would not have thought twice about this decision a year ago but, now that instability does not seem exciting and I have had so many "new beginnings" in the last decade that TBH I am exhausted. And man the thought of doing it all with a teenager who has major health issues just seems irresponsible.

At what point do I say "I love you mom but, I have a family now that I must take care of" and unfortunately money is an issue. And yep sometimes we live somewhere that we are not crazy about and work jobs that we dont love in order to provide stability... sometimes that is just the way it is.

I am upset and I apologize for rambling.

secretary

That is exactly how I feel two days in - I am in mourning because I am trying to "break up" with a very good friend of mine - alcohol. I love alcohol, it's comforted me way more than anybody else has; it makes me feel good about myself; I feel like I'm losing a limb. BUT I know that will pass and I will start doing all those things on my own, with my own willpower and strength. I do think there is a mourning process, not so much on your drinking life, but on the alcohol itself.

RobbyRobot

No need to apologize - sorry I misunderstood. Good to hear you're making the right choices, Jess, in a sad and difficult situation. Well done.

jkb

Robby-

I am unsure if I am making the right decision but, for "now" it is the right decision. Besides I have 2 months left on my lease and then if I still want to go I will. It is a very sad situation. Thanks for being there for me though.

AV can easily stoop low enough to use your sincere feelings about your mom's situation and try to get you to think those same honest feelings also are weaved into possible future drinking opportunities. Don't buy into any of that. Those feelings really have nothing to do with future drinking, so please don't believe they do. Just don't go there with those lies. -quote RobbyRobot

That however is important for me to fully understand. Nothing can make me drink in the future. Things can tempt my beast however, which in turn, I must deal with. Living in a place where I used to constantly drink with the two people I used to drink most often with... well I just think it is going to suck. Watching the self-destruction of the two people you love most in the world....uugghh.

jkb

Hi Secretary...

The above that I put in bold is all beast. That is not you. You made a decision to quit drinking and your beast is in mourning.... at least in RR terms.

Nice to cyber-meet you, and I am not being bitchy... just thought I would point that out....


Jess

Received

Hey jess.

I'm so sorry about your mom's failing health. I can *feel* your sadness in your posts and I really haven't much to add.

For me, to *see* it unfold, as you feel it and process it, is quite a humbling and amazing experience to witness.

(((hugs)))

Nonsensical

Bad ass with class.

fini

At what point do I say "I love you mom but......

Jess,
you say it at each and every thought that you mention above that pulls you back toward the drinking side.
the stuff that follows after "but" is the healthy sane stuff. the taking care of yourself stuff, not in a selfish way, but in a "i need to look after myself and my child" way.

when i first read that you decided to pick up and drive the 2000miles there and....i thought "trand gesture". not because that is what you were thinking, but because i find it easier for myself to make a grand gesture once in a while than to slug out a hundred smaller ones. and part of that is to forestall being blamed or feeling remiss and guilty somehow. it's about ensuring future blamelessness.
no idea if anything like that is mixed up in it for you.
sigh.

anyway, you talked good sense to yourself.
and seeing instability as not exciting sounds to me like a giant step forward. yay!

this is part of what people mean when they say it's work

sorry your mom is facing extra challenges but glad to see you're not throwing your own life into chaos which wouldn't help anyone.

raku

to jkb and all who have posted,

I have a similar situation with my brother who has been in psych wards for close to a year. He is now (thankfully)in an apt. complex set up for "transition". I find that when I feel strong, and balanced, I visit him. He can be very draining and I hold myself accountable, ie not drinking, not cowering to a Beast of burden, to myself First and foremost.
I feel we all are in some kind of "transition", at all times. To help another we care for deeply when not stable or qualified (given we are self aware of our inner state) jeopardizes a well conceived "plan" and creates self distrust...not a healthy pattern to follow.
I wish all Love & Light.

jkb

((fini)) Thank you for this amazing post. I do love my mother VERY much but, she does choose "chaos". Since I quit drinking my life is a bit dull and drama-free... I have to adjust to this.

recieved- Thanks... It means a lot. I know I am not the only person to ever deal with this but.... it still helps to hear I am not alone.

Non- Your posts just make me smile.... And how the hell are you?

raku-

I feel we all are in some kind of "transition", at all times. To help another we care for deeply when not stable or qualified (given we are self aware of our inner state) jeopardizes a well conceived "plan" and creates self distrust...not a healthy pattern to follow.

I could not agree more.... Thanks for the "food for thought"

And damn I hate trying to make tough decisions.............. Jess