Thanks guys/girls-
Should have made it more clear that this "trip" would have really messed with any financial stability I have currently made for myself and that is why I decided against it. I really wish I could afford to go and be there but, unfortunately I am not independently wealthy so I just cant. Its a three day drive there/back and then a few weeks with her puts me out of work for a month. Of-course my job will pay me for some of it but, not all and I am the sole source of income for my home.
Part of me thinks it is time just to move back (which would be a more valid option considering she could be sick for months or even years). Abandon the great job, amazing boyfriend, and just go home. However, this other part of me wonders why I want to do that? Sure it would be really nice to see my mom and be there for her but, her health has been deteriorating for many years and she has refused to quit drinking, she is coddling my brother (who is currently living with her) into his own early grave, they both drink daily and it just makes me angry that they wont help themselves.
So, it is not the beast I fear... I was very surprised that part of the reason I wanted to go and spend time with her was:
Well when I get there I may drink a little to take the edge off"...
and then when I firmly restated that I do not drink all of a sudden my rational side kicked in and said, "what are you doing? She is going to die at some point. Your brother and her are very active alcoholics and there is NOTHING you can do when you get there except watch them do it to themselves."
So, at any rate, I had made a plan to move in with my bf of 6 years in Sept. and now I see that I have the perfect excuse to run away again. Go back "home" to no job, no place to live, etc... but start over none-the-less.
I would not have thought twice about this decision a year ago but, now that instability does not seem exciting and I have had so many "new beginnings" in the last decade that TBH I am exhausted. And man the thought of doing it all with a teenager who has major health issues just seems irresponsible.
At what point do I say "I love you mom but, I have a family now that I must take care of" and unfortunately money is an issue. And yep sometimes we live somewhere that we are not crazy about and work jobs that we dont love in order to provide stability... sometimes that is just the way it is.
I am upset and I apologize for rambling.