Originally Posted by
jkb 
"never just stresses me out too much....so I'm not going to think in terms of never"
Yep that has been my theory... NOW I see why you must think in NEVER terms. It is the only way to fully expose every facet of the beast. Without the NEVER you are still giving the beast a MAYBE. My beast loves MAYBE.
Sorry to hear about your Mum, jkb, but I am happy that you have seen your way past another AV rally. The post above preceded the news about your mother's health issues, but it really strikes deeply into your AV. It defines your Big Plan in no uncertain terms.
Your sobriety is something you control, just like any other aspect of your behavior. Your mother's health and your AV, on the other hand, fall into that pile of things that are outside of our control, and acceptance is the way to deal with them. The existence of your beast and its resourcefulness is dismaying to you right now, but this uneasiness will dissipate when you remember your BP, and what it offers you. There will be sadness and grief which no amount of alcohol can fix, but there will also be love, beauty and joy in small measures, and alcohol will forfeit these reasons that make our life livable.
Maybe some time at the beach where you can be with your fine self, to allow yourself to roll over these thoughts and feelings and grind them smooth is something positive and useful you can do for yourself. You have this sobriety thing down, jkb, but you need to see that your way forward is clear, straight, and true, and believe it for yourself. Onward!