jkb

Damn, I love you guys... and I am not being sarcastic. Its not a big deal but thanks for making it one

Nonsensical

Yay, for you! In 7 weeks and 6 days I'll catch up to you in sobriety.

Oh...wait....

Blaze a path through that beast for me to follow. I've got your six.

soberlicious

Ending an addiction most certainly is a big deal. Realizing that you have power and exercising that power is a big deal. It feels good, as it should. Life is your oyster...go forth and conquer....and all that good stuff.

fini

you're right.
no biggie.
no kind of deal at all, really.
don't know why you bothered to mention it.


hahaHA, jkb!

congratulations!

neferkamichael

Ditto soberlicious, ending an addiction is certainly a big deal. Jkb I am so happy for you, and you are certainly an inspiration to us all. As a matter of fact, you are FANTASTIC.

freshstart57

Oh for heaven's sake, jkb. If your sobriety is not a big deal, I cannot imagine what ever would be. This is a personal triumph of the highest order. Not only have you prevailed over an addiction that kills. How many does it kill? How about 2.5 million people every year worldwide, or the entire population of the city of Metro Toronto, or Brooklyn, for e.g.

You is badass. Onward with your fine self.

jkb

I meant 8 weeks no big deal but, you know what you are all right... I am no longer the "relapse queen" I once was...((soberlicious)) those are very true words.

fini, nefer, fresh.....

Now where the hell is GeraldTwind... he is quick to point out my AV but, not so quick on the congrats, huh...lol. And RobbyRobot ????? Oh well....

Non, You are my cyber-sobriety-buddy.... We started this journey togeather and we must GO ONWARD... I am sure at some point in the near future I am going to be a neurotic mess and will need you to point it out with humor and compassion.... so work out your stuff and get back here...lol.

GerandTwine

Hi Jess,

I absolutely LOVE being an abstainer AND that I've been out of the addiction recovery world for so many years.
I know other people like being that way, too, and there are a LOT of us - a sort of recovered-silent-majority of abstainers everywhere.
The reason we're so silent is because there's no good personal reason to out ourselves as Ph.ormer D.runks.
But there is the altruistic reason - the desire to help other people and society as a whole.
As I see it, AVRT is the shortest way out of both addiction AND recovery, and I have that altruistic desire to see others at least know about AVRT and what it really is.

I believe there are huge economic and big-brother-type forces in our service oriented society that are geared towards keeping people IN recovery for the rest of their lives.
In the last seventeen months of my posting here on SR, I've had more Beast activity than in the previous seventeen years. Not to worry, that Beast activity has simply made me smile and chuckle a little.
I post here to try and keep AVRT as un-mutated as possible.
And I enjoy seeing people getting good at the T of R'ing their AV, such as yourself.
I also enjoy the gradual awareness that so-and-so who used AVRT to quit for good is not posting any more.
That's the expected result of becoming a self-determined permanent abstainer.
I assume the people who do get AVRT and remain posting here on SR are doing it for one or a combination of several reasons.
1- A desire to refine and get better at AVRT in their own head using SR feedback
2- Altruist desire to help others and to get better at giving AVRT feedback to others
3- Anxiety about their Big Plan (which is Beast activity); the feeling they have to keep posting to not drink.

It's become clear to me that understanding AVRT is pretty basic, and that the greatest hurdles are the Institutionalized Addictive Voice all around us in "popular" AV beliefs.
So, giving feedback about the AV in written discussion is fairly straight forward AVRT, and SR is an ideal format for learning AVRT.

The part of AVRT that does not work so straight-forwardly here on SR has to do with the Big Plan - "I will never drink again."
The Big Plan exists for anyone to use and complete quite quickly - but only once in their lifetime. That's the clear logic of it.
Nevertheless, it is impossible to truly know whether anyone else has really made the Big Plan.

What the Beast loves to do with this dilemma, is to then suggest that I, the person who made the plan, ALSO do not really know whether or not I really did it. No way. I've been trying for years to get anyone to teach me how to lie to myself, to no avail. SO, it is ALSO impossible for me to NOT know if I made the Big Plan to not let alcohol into my body. I must know. Therefore, having made a Big Plan, I know absolutely, there will never be alcohol in my blood again. Any anxiety about that is simply residual futility of the AV.

GT

jkb

Thanks for stopping by GT. I love reading your posts and they are always food for thought. I think I get where you are going with that and you are right. I should not worry that I will drink again when that is not possible. I do like to stop by here and see that my beast is still quite alive and well in my head. It is a good reminder to pay attention.
Jess

MythOfSisyphus

Great post! The part I quoted is especially relevant to me. Sometimes I find myself coming to SR a little less frequently, and that's because I don't "need" it often. Occasionally it's good to read all the negative posts, the ones describing the agony and desperation of being a drunk. Obviously I do this not because I enjoy suffering but remind myself that this was my life, too. It's easy to forget, once you're sober, just how miserable the merry-go-round of moving from drunk to hungover really was.

Of course, I also come here to offer support to the newer folks, and the long time members who're going thru a rough time. To me the highest goal of a person is to recognize oneself in others, to see the essential humanity that we all share. Where that scared, lonely person is today is where I was yesterday. The good folks here helped me when I needed it, and it's my moral duty to pay that forward and help the next group of people trying to change.

I've found AVRT to be the tool that saved my soul. I don't subscribe to the permanent recovery notion, either. I have no problem with AA or the like for those who need it or find that it works for them. But I don't think there's a higher power guiding my fate and I won't give myself permission to relapse.

jkb

Myth-
Thanks for your great post. I do come on SR less and less but, once in a while I need the reality check of reading a newcomer post and thinking "yep that could be me". I am big into the whole PIF thing so yeah helping a newcomer or a friend. Still I too will not give myself "permission to relapse". I really like the way you put that. I am in it for the long run, with me, hanging out sober. There is nothing a drink can make better for me at this point. Jess

jkb

So, on Wedensday of last week my mom confided in me that she is having some tests run (biopsy) because they found a mass in her stomach. I have been a wreck in my head ever since. This weekend my sober BF was out of town (actually he left Wednesday and is gone for another week or so) and my daughter was at a sleepover/ church thing.

My beast has taken this as an opportunity to attack... Thursday night- (whisper) "How about a drink?". Friday night- (louder) "Lets have a drink". Saturday night- (sly but persistant) "Come on when are you going to have this opportunity again. BF gone, daughter gone. No-one will even know. Go buy a bottle... drown your sorrows and then start over. After all your mom is sick. You have good reason". And last night- (Screaming) " Get up go get a bottle and they (BF and daughter) can f- off if they dont like it. It isn't thier mother who may die after all. They dont understand. Sure a drink will have consenquences because you cant just have one... BUT, who cares. For a few hours you will not be "in your head". You will not be worried, scared or, so overwhelmingly sad."

I stood looking at all the beers in the grocery store for a long time. Fancy, happy, summery beers. I thought about the alcohol content of each. "Just a 6 pack wouldn't be so bad but, it would need to be a 6-pack of something strong". Then I thought none of those beers would do anyway... law in my state is that 3.2% beer is sold in the grocery store. I remembered that the liquor store sells a beer that is 9% abv. Left the grocery store and then drove home...

I sat on my sofa and thought about what life would be like without my mom. No more morning phone calls just to say hi and most importantly no longer having the one person who will love you "right or wrong" in the world. I live 3000 miles away from my mom but, we are and always have been really close. I was overwhelmed with fear and sadness but, I didn't cry. Just sat and accepted that I was sad.

I didn't drink. I'm sure most of you quit reading a while ago and I am not even sure what my point is. Am I telling on myself because I plan on drinking or am I just kind of lost? Idk.

Newatthis34

Jkb - please think about this. I know how you feel. My mom (and best friend) passed away over a year ago and I spent the time she was sick not giving a f*** about myself. (Not saying that will be your mom's story though.) In hindsight I wish I had held it together more to be there for her and not cause her more suffering watching me drink myslef into a stupor every night. Since she passed I have (a) admitted to myself I am an alcoholic and (b) realised the only 'cure' is not to drink anymore. I have not succeeded in that yet. Don't sabotage yourself now, you are where I want to be.

Received

Soberlicious has pointed out several times how she looked at the worst case scenarios in her head and knew that even THEN, if those most terrible fears she had would come to pass, she would not drink.

Fluff's posts about this helped me a lot to understand what the BP really meant. I mean really, REALLY meant. Being fully committed to never drinking again and never changing my mind meant my BP is air tight and irrevocable. It's done and cannot ever be undone.

I am having a very sad time right now involving one of my children. My AV has been all up in my face, screaming bloody murder at times but that's just the way IT is. I will never drink again and will never change my mind. IT is a pain in the @ss right now but IT has no power over ME.

jkb

Newatthis- Thank you for sharing that with me. One of the main thoughts that kept me sober yesterday was that the last thing my mom needed right now was for me to start drinking, calling, and crying.... Jess

Recieved- I say to myself I will never drink again... my beast laughs and laughs.

Nonsensical

Badass.

jkb

Thanks Non... but that is hardly how I am feeling. Jess

fini

Jess,
one thing's for sure: your mom will die.
one day or another, some day she will die.
so you can get rid of any thought about "if my mom dies"...because that's a certainty.
knowing that's going to happen for sure, maybe that will help with seeing that none of that relates to you drinking.
and there will always be "opportunities" your "beast" will find if it wants them (you know i don't do the beast-stuff, so i have to put it in "" ...).
and beer is just beer. not "fancy" or "happy" or "summery". these are things YOU added. or your "beast". something you imbue the stuff with. the stuff itself is just a liquid; it has none of those things you attribute to it any more than old dishwater is fancy or happy or summery....

just thought i'd point these things out.

you did GREAT!

Just sat and accepted that I was sad.

YES! that was doable and you did it.
now you know you can. even if it feels as crappy sad as can be.
you sat and accepted and stayed sober and here you are.

I am not even sure what my point is. Am I telling on myself because I plan on drinking or am I just kind of lost? Idk.

these threads are for sharing what's going on, what's on our minds, putting things out there...no need to have a specific "point" if you're not sure why you posted...
do you think you're planning on drinking? why would you?
very sorry about the worry about your mom and i hope things will be alright or fixable.

Jess, really, i do think this is the way it's done. sitting with things and feelings and learning that that is okay. learning that we can survive that. going from there. coming here and talking about it. doing those things IS doing sobriety.
it gets easier.
you're doing it.

soberlicious

Look at what your beast is suggesting here. That you use this horrible time as an opportunity. How will it make *you* feel to use all this pain and sadness as an opportunity for your beast to get lit? There's no coping here, there's no erasing of pain...that's all horseshit lies from *It*. Remember...IT cares nothing for you or for your mother.

But YOU do care, and will therefore act accordingly.

So sorry for your pain. xo

RobbyRobot

Hi Jess,

So sorry for your sad news about your mom. I wish it wasn't so painful. Life is so beautiful and wonderful. How awesome you have a loving and sharing relationship with your mom. I hope for all that is good for you and your mom, Jess.

I too drank to be elsewhere in my head and my feelings. Of course it worked until it didn't, and even with drinking again and again, eventually there is no place to hide from ourselves drunk or sober.

I know sadness too, Jess. Life for me has its challenges both past and present too. Being sober for years doesn't protect me from sadness, and it doesn't have too either. Although I did abuse alcohol to be elsewhere, I'm not sober to be elsewhere. I'm sober and present. Real time = real life.

I have experienced sadness morph into happiness. Emotional bondage morph into freedom. Anxiety into purposeful surety. Fear into strength and steadfastness.

I can appreciate how others too meet the challenges of their lives with success and happiness. Even in the face of tragedy and chaos.

Jess, please don't reproach yourself for having Addictive Voice. None of us are perfect. We all have ongoing struggles with ourselves over whatever in our respective lives. We're human, and meeting challenges is what we do best when we simply turn ourselves to meet the challenge face on, as we are today, and not as what we hope one day to be.

You have everything already within you to not drink, and certainly to successfully manage thru all kinds of sadness, fears, angers, disappointments, and so on.

I'm sure, if you take a moment, you can quickly re-discover how you are already being successful with your new lifestyle of sober living. Don't be concerned about challenges to your newly embraced lifestyle choices. Simply and diligently work yourself thru whatever, knowing that all any of us can do is the same as anyone else choosing to be successful:

We deal with life as best we're able, and we simply keep moving thru it, and eventual happiness is absolutely a sure thing which is created as we deal with our sad pains and stubborn worries.

You're a good person, Jess. Take some moments from your present sadness and realise being a good person allows for your ability to deal with all this, and more. Just being yourself is enough, Jess.