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And the Big Plan is made...

Old 05-21-2013, 09:07 AM
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I am very touched by all of your responses.

Fini- I have thought the same thing "everyone dies". And yeah.... great point about the beer not being all the adjectives I(it) was using. Deep down I know that is all beast. Lemonade is "happy and summery" as well but, I was not craving that. Thanks for pointing that out.

SL- Absolutely right. There is even a part of the book that talks about the beast loving tragedy (paraphrase) and mine jumped on this opportunity.

RR- I love what you said. It is absolutely true. I am so incredibly lucky to have any amount of time with her and our relationship is amazing. I am NOT READY for this. However, I cant drink to get out of my head.... just like you said "eventually there is no place to hide from ourselves". I am at that point.

So, last night the beast spoke up and I really did sit with it. I thought "well if my drinking can definitely ensure that my mom wont have stomach cancer I will do it". My drinking of-course does not affect her biopsy results at all. They will be what they are. So you know what it did... It shut up.

What my drinking will affect is my ability to deal with whatever is coming my way. When I drank it was my ONLY way of dealing with any emotion. Now I cook, I cry, I write, etc...etc...

I have begun reading about dealing with irrational beliefs and how to dispute them. Very strong stuff. Simplistic and powerful. Much like RR.

Maybe I did just need to vent. I have not mentioned what is going on at my job bc they will know that means I intend on leaving. Dont need that hassle right now. I obviously am keeping it from my child till I have something definitive to tell her and as I said my BF has been out of town since I found out. My brother is with my mom so he is aware but, he is a self-proclaimed "active alcoholic" (a title he wears quite proudly) so, we are not as close as we were 6 months ago. I just have a hard time dealing with him lately. He and I were drinking buddies for over a decade and now... well, its just different.

What is strange is I honestly didn't think I had changed so much. Part of me thought I was just waiting for the "right reason" to drink again. That sobriety was contingent on things being ok or me being content. It is not. I am not ok right now. I am not content. I want to scream or freak out in some way. I want to be IN CONTROL of everytihng. However, I do not want to drink. My beast wants to drink but, I dont. I dont think I truly got the "seperation" idea that is presented in the book until recently.

Anyway, I am rambling.... Thank you all again.
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Old 05-21-2013, 11:37 AM
  # 242 (permalink)  
 
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Call it rambling if you want...but that is some amazingly intropsective, poignant, and insightful rambling.

"Watching" your journey has been an honor.
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Old 05-21-2013, 06:55 PM
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That sobriety was contingent on things being ok or me being content. It is not. I am not ok right now. I am not content. I want to scream or freak out in some way. I want to be IN CONTROL of everytihng.

me too!
so what are we gonna do???
we'll have to fight with each other to see who'll get to be in control of everything. cause it sure can't be both of us!

seriously, though: that happens to me too, of course, and it's always interesting to me how wanting to "scream or freak out in some way" is a response to wanting to be in control. because freaking out is rather the opposite.

because what i really want is to be perfectly okay and content with NOT having control.
and that's gotten much easier with longer sobriety.
often, it's a relief. it often means that i need do nothing.

other times, it looks like this, i noticed: i start vacuuming. or i open a drawer and dump the stuff out, wash the drawer and sort through the stuff and put some back and some in a box to give away. that kind of stuff.
since these things don't really need doing,what i finally realized is that this is my way of taking control in an area where i can.
humans.
such bizarre creatures.

so happy to hear the separation-thing is working so well for you now that you're seeing it more clearly.
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Old 05-22-2013, 08:32 AM
  # 244 (permalink)  
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((soberlicious)) I am throwing it all out there on the internet for the world to "see". You are an amazing inspiration to me... That you could do it all and stay sober gives me hope.

fini- I really do hope it gets easier to deal with "not having control". Last night I slept about two hours and have now broken out in hives.... not dealing well. For years I was in therapy for anxiety and OCD. I finally learned that I have to stop all of this circular thinking.. control is all an illusion. I can control very few things. One of things I CAN control is how I deal with not having control. Make sense?

So, I still have 6 days before she has this test done. Probably two weeks before I know anything. I am going to have to figure out a way to deal with my thinking until then. Going "all circular in my head", not eating, sleeping etc... not to mention these stupid ugly hives... is not going to cut it for another two weeks. I need a new strategy. Read alot last night in my mindfullness book: "Live in the moment"... "meditate"... "remain calm and accept"... "just breathe". All wonderful and very good suggestions that I am going to attempt to encompass into my day. Also planning a weekend getaway with my teenager and allowing myself a pass on having the extra cigarette here and there. I was in the process of switching to using solely my e-cig but, I think I may need to make that a lesser priority right now...

As for my beast and I we remain at odds but, it is seemingly aware that drinking is not really an option for me. By that, last night thoughts of drinking were not nearly as "urgent"... It was more like (it) "wouldn't it be great to have a drink... forget all this for a while"....(me)"not so much because it will make tomorrow far worse. Actually seems like a pretty dumb idea". That was that.

Being happily sober is not really about just not drinking for me. Though not drinking is contingent on nothing..... being "at peace" (on the other hand) is contingent, for me, on learning how to cope "normally". I got a long way to go.

Well, should get to doing the actual job they are paying me to do...lol... check in later.
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Old 05-22-2013, 07:08 PM
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As for my beast and I we remain at odds


well...uh...that's the idea, no?
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Old 05-22-2013, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
As for my beast and I we remain at odds


well...uh...that's the idea, no?
I was like that for a year or so, but then I just accepted the miserable little whining f'r. He is not me, wants bad things for me, and is helpless to make it happen. It used to be 'ey yi yi', now it's just 'meh'. And by that I mean indifference and boredom, but that takes too many words.
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Old 05-23-2013, 07:02 AM
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I look forward to that day that it is 'meh'. Here and there... like this past weekend... I still 'argue' with it. The main thing is to remind myseelf it is powerless.
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Old 05-23-2013, 07:58 AM
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ah, i see what you are saying.
i saw it as just that you wouldn't want to be the opposite of "at odds", i.e. in agreement.

that's what happens when a non-AVRT person muddles in conversations she should just stay out of!
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Old 05-26-2013, 12:31 PM
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Not at all, fini, I appreciate your point of view and your experience. I like your writing, it's always thoughtfully composed and a pleasure to read.

These conversations are beneficial to me because they help me to gain in understanding each time, and I believe they are helpful to others too.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:22 AM
  # 250 (permalink)  
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Hi Fini- I am always glad for your point of view. Dont be silly and "stay out of it". You have talked me off a ledge a few times recently. Not with drinking but, with not "going crazy".

Fresh- as you stated different points of view are always welcomed in my world as well.

And the weekend went off without a hitch...Spent time at the pool , relaxed, and cleared my chattery-ass head. On thursday my beast popped up with the same old tired "its a holiday weekend lets do it...." talk but, once I firmly replied "no" the thought almost completey vanished.

My mom is dealing with the run around about getting this biopsy done...long story... but, point is I actually accepted that as well. I decided that I have two choices "run around like a crazy person and the results will be what they will be" or option two "remain as calm as possible and the results will be what they will be". There is no changing the outcome only how I spend the time prior. Of-course I am sad and anxious but, IN NO WAY will it affect me not drinking...

I am so grateful to all of you who were there for me in my initial freak the f**k out stage. This week I think I may be in the denial stage....lol(kind-of)....
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Old 05-30-2013, 02:21 PM
  # 251 (permalink)  
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I dont know how many days I have been sober.. nor am I sure that I really care. This week has been hell, my stress level is through the roof and I am ready to loose it. I thought I was on a bit of an upswing but, then it just came crashing back down.....

Last night my house was like a war zone between me and the teenager. My mom has to have one test THEN the biopsy bc of a heart issue. My thoughts just go in circles of horrid things happening and I am tired. I am not sleeping much, eating much or thinking very clearly.

I am not sure if my life when I was drinking was just easier (no sick mom etc...) or if I just dealt with it better with the bottle by my side but, I think I am DONE DONE DONE with being sober.

Could I not drink...yep. I could continue on like this.... bc its working so f***ing well or I can go back to what I know works. Even if it is a temporary fix.

Will I "violate my big plan?"... will I "relapse"... "slip". Nope. One thing I am sure of is that if I decide to drink then I decide to drink...PERIOD. No relapse here... preplanned getting wasted. REALLY REALLY WASTED.

Those of you who remain sober through stress after stress.... I am amazed. And I wish you all the best of luck. You are amazing people. Either way.... I will let you know.
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Old 05-30-2013, 03:07 PM
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hey, YOU!

any need to decide this right now???

I am not sure if my life when I was drinking was just easier (no sick mom etc...) or if I just dealt with it better with the bottle by my side

likely neither, Jess.
your perception and memory is likely skewed because you're strssed and you have the "gottagottagotta WANNA DRINK!!!" thing going on.
if you'd seriously dealt with life better when getting sloshed, you wouldn't have ended up here with all of us, wanting desperately to be sober.

these are FEELINGS you're having, J, they're not the reality.
that you have stress and are worried about your mom, yes, of course. that you're living with a teenage-tornado....yes, that too. that you don't know what to do when everything collides like this other than run to the bottle....you're newly sober. it's okay not to know. keep coming here. keep figuring it out.

Could I not drink...yep. I could continue on like this.... bc its working so f***ing well or I can go back to what I know works. Even if it is a temporary fix.

okay, so it's not working so f**ng well.
drinking is no fix, temporary or otherwise.
if i were an AVRT person, i'd tell you it's the AV talking.
as it is, i'm thinking you want to get the hell away from everything and can't, without drinking. but you can't WITH drinking, either.
which you KNOW, somewhere.

you know what, Jess?
you can sit with the "working so f**well", you can stay there and not drink. what you said in your previous post two choices "run around like a crazy person and the results will be what they will be" or option two "remain as calm as possible and the results will be what they will be". There is no changing the outcome only how I spend the time prior. Of-course I am sad and anxious but, IN NO WAY will it affect me not drinking... is exactly right as far as it goes about no change of outcome for your mom's health.
but here you are, and your last sentence suddenly isn't true to you anymore.

Will I "violate my big plan?"... will I "relapse"... "slip". Nope. One thing I am sure of is that if I decide to drink then I decide to drink...PERIOD. No relapse here... preplanned getting wasted. REALLY REALLY WASTED.

i get it, Jess.
preplanned.
exactly what i'd say if life got too uncomfortable for too long and i could feel that overpowering itch .
exactly what i'd be desperate to keep saying: i'm choosing choosing choosing.
and maybe you are.
i wouldn't presume to know.

what i know about me is that i was desperately avoiding the fact of feeling overpowered by circumstance and need for drinking. which i couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge having.

you'll find your way. whatever it is.
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Old 05-30-2013, 03:18 PM
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Sorry to hear of this, jkb.

Nothing about drinking will make anything better, of course you know all that already. Wanting the delusions of being drunk is not who you are, in my opinion.

You know how to not drink, jkb. Whatever is not working out for you in your non-drinking lifestyle can be dealt with and successfully not drink too.

If you drink or not, I still believe in YOU. I also want to say not drinking is the best choice no matter the difficulty or hardship you are now facing.

Take good care. Be careful, jkb.
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Old 05-30-2013, 10:17 PM
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You can do it, and in the process you'll reclaim yourself.
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:02 AM
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Sorry for my internet hissy fit yesterday. ((fini)) ((RR)) ((MoS)) Thank you all for understanding and not judging.

fini- You hit the nail on the head with everything you are saying. Especially the part about making that decision right then. That would not have been wise.

Robby- As you say the "addict-part of you no longer runs the show. " (paraphrase) I like that and last night I kept that in my head. I am not going to allow the beast to be in charge when I most need to be in control.

I have changed. I no longer drink. I must learn to be uncomfortable.

Today I am stressed, overwhelmed but not hungover. I am 80 days sober.

Thank you all for being there.

Jess
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Old 05-31-2013, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by jkb View Post
Will I "violate my big plan?"... will I "relapse"... "slip". Nope. One thing I am sure of is that if I decide to drink then I decide to drink...PERIOD. No relapse here... preplanned getting wasted. REALLY REALLY WASTED.
Hi Jess,

Having a Big Plan means you can no longer make any decisions about drinking. No more "yes because ..." or "not now because ...". The only response possible is "Oh, yeah, never." It really helped me quickly disconnect the old desire from the rest of my complicated life.

So, if you believe you still have a choice about drinking, you can still make the real Big Plan and take that choice away from yourself forever. You do know that you have the capacity to do that, don't you?

GT
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Old 05-31-2013, 10:44 AM
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Hi GT,
Was hoping you would chime in. Truth is after my relapse 81 days ago I never did make a new BP. Think we have discusssed this before. I stuck with the I never now drink BP. Now I am questioning if I am simply refuse to say... "and I will not change my mind" bc I do intend to change my mind? Jess
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Old 05-31-2013, 02:41 PM
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hiya Jess,
you caught yourself! great stuff!

the almost-always possible postponing of decisions is such a simple thing, yet can feel so overwhelmingly IMpossible at times.....glad you stepped back and took the time.


and Freshstart and jkb, somehow i missed you posts with the kind words to me. thank you; much appreciated.
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:31 PM
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GT has a great point...and you can see that by the question you asked yourself...are you leaving the door cracked?

Look at it this way...with everything you have going on, so freakin' much on your plate, this drinking thing is taking up space on the plate, lots more than you realize. When you take it off the plate completely and for good, other stuff can spread out and doesn't seem quite as overwhelming.

In other words, leaving the door open for future drinking is making everything harder.

The big plan actually lightens your load. That's one less huge thing you don't have to give any precious mental energy to...buh bye...not an option...
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Old 06-03-2013, 07:31 AM
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Hi Soberlicious,
It is so great to hear from you.... Always with the wise words.

Yeah fini-
Apparently I am all talk and no action when it comes to the drinking..... Having a hissy fit and wanting a drink is easier then actually throwing away all the RR I have learned and taking a drink.

I am sure that you are right SL in saying that if I would make a BP that would be that. I am quite overwhelmed with other stuff in my world right now and kept thinking that now is not the time to do it. When I look at it the way you put it... as in its making things MORE difficult running around without one... well yeah... may be true.

Why am I putting off the BP? Its that word...NEVER. I guess I need to pull my RR book off the top shelf of my closet. I remember it being addressed in there. I think well what if ______ happened? Would I drink then. Of-course it is impossible to go over every scenario in your head and answer no. What I did come up with is that there is one time in the near future where I play the scenario in my head and I cant see myself staying sober: Going Home.

I see myself sitting around on the porch with my mom and brother (both heavy drinkers) and my mom has her wine, brother will be having a beer and cooking out. I do not see myself holding a glass of cranberry juice or popping open a sprite. For as long as I have been drinking this is the one time.... summer family cookouts... that drinking has always been enjoyable.

When I moved away these cookouts became even more "precious" because I only get to participate in them for a few weeks out of the entire year. At 5 O'clock my mom and I have our first glass of wine, brother grabs his beer, and the cookout begins. We do at least 7 or 8 of them every time I am there.

When I play this around in my head and I try to imagine me not drinking, sitting there as they both become "happier", sitting through drunken conversations...... to be totally honest I see myself saying "yeah, I would love a glass of wine" and justifying it with... "this year may be the last time we have cookouts.... all of us together" or "come on Jess, Your only here 2 weeks a year".

The good news is there is this other part of me saying... "since what you are saying is true.. that the family time is precious... even more so now... Do you really want to spend it drunk or hungover?" I don't know.

Life is better sober though.
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