Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part V
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Hello! Checking in. I've noticed lately that whatever is bothering me is fine during the day, sometimes I can even chuckle at it. But as it gets on toward bedtime I tend to fall apart: call a friend crying, or just sit in my room. Something little will set me off but eventually I get around to what's really bothering me. Also I noticed when I do mess up and get some dope it takes me a month to react normally to situations again. One night quickly ruins several weeks of work. Not that I end up going on some crazy binge, just I get a sort of lightweight version of the withdrawal sort of symptoms I had the first time I stopped and they last for a month or so.
I think I can use this knowledge as another way to avoid doing dope. It just took me about 3 times through this process to recognize the pattern: 1 night of partying, 3 or 4 weeks of wanting drugs and random emotionality, 3 or 4 weeks feeling normal again, another night of partying... so I see it now I can make sure at that point where I'm most likely to get drugs-- about 6 to 8 weeks-- I don't. Time to break the cycle.
I think I can use this knowledge as another way to avoid doing dope. It just took me about 3 times through this process to recognize the pattern: 1 night of partying, 3 or 4 weeks of wanting drugs and random emotionality, 3 or 4 weeks feeling normal again, another night of partying... so I see it now I can make sure at that point where I'm most likely to get drugs-- about 6 to 8 weeks-- I don't. Time to break the cycle.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
Happy, happy news! My big (and only remaining) brother is coming to visit next week! I adore him. He's less than a year older than me and was born premature (developed slowly) so we grew up pretty much as twins. And - he doesn't drink at all.
So now I've really got to get my tush in gear and get the hall done and his room ready for him!
I'm trying to decide how much to tell him. Do I tell him that I've got nerve damage in foot due to chronic alcoholism? I'll figure it out when the time comes. Anyway, I can't wait to see him.
So now I've really got to get my tush in gear and get the hall done and his room ready for him!
I'm trying to decide how much to tell him. Do I tell him that I've got nerve damage in foot due to chronic alcoholism? I'll figure it out when the time comes. Anyway, I can't wait to see him.
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Misty, that's great!
As for how much to tell him, I usually play it by ear. I haven't told anyone in my family as they just can't understand how someone would even try drugs or drink as much as I did to begin with. Besides, in my family 10,000 relatives are worth 1 good friend. I have told a select group of friends and I usually watch them and gauge their reactions as I tell them. I don't want to lay too much on them at once. It's hard to accept for some people, so some get it in bits and pieces. All my friends I have told just said they were worried about me and wanted the best for me and were/are supportive.
As for me this evening has been great! I started out the day having some issues with student financial aid for next semester but they are going to be resolved and it will be just fine. Plus I've gotten a bunch of paperwork done that I've been putting off for ages (stuff like a rental contract... ya know, who really needs somewhere to live? I can live in the lobby of my academic department. The lab has an emergency chemical shower, I'm sure no one will mind!
). So I'm feeling optimistic at the moment, which is amazing since I start to feel crappy when I'm tired and I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Gah! I need some food, check back in later perhaps.
As for how much to tell him, I usually play it by ear. I haven't told anyone in my family as they just can't understand how someone would even try drugs or drink as much as I did to begin with. Besides, in my family 10,000 relatives are worth 1 good friend. I have told a select group of friends and I usually watch them and gauge their reactions as I tell them. I don't want to lay too much on them at once. It's hard to accept for some people, so some get it in bits and pieces. All my friends I have told just said they were worried about me and wanted the best for me and were/are supportive.
As for me this evening has been great! I started out the day having some issues with student financial aid for next semester but they are going to be resolved and it will be just fine. Plus I've gotten a bunch of paperwork done that I've been putting off for ages (stuff like a rental contract... ya know, who really needs somewhere to live? I can live in the lobby of my academic department. The lab has an emergency chemical shower, I'm sure no one will mind!
). So I'm feeling optimistic at the moment, which is amazing since I start to feel crappy when I'm tired and I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Gah! I need some food, check back in later perhaps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
My brother does know I'm an alcoholic. So were our parents, and four out five kids have battled booze. The youngest, my kid brother, died a few years ago from cancer.
I've been pretty open about seeking treatment. I actually introduced AA to my parents, many years ago. They did stop drinking for the last 15 years of their lives. I haven't even managed that, but . . . I'm not dead yet.
I've been pretty open about seeking treatment. I actually introduced AA to my parents, many years ago. They did stop drinking for the last 15 years of their lives. I haven't even managed that, but . . . I'm not dead yet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
Yesterday, I sipped only tea, spent a lot of time on SR then went to the chat room until bedtime. It's a good morning. All of the sudden, my life doesn't feel overwhelming.
I really like it here. I like the calm. I'm not usually a calm person inside so it's helpful to be in a calm place like this. Meetings, or being in any group, is often a source of anxiety for me. I can do it (have hundreds of times), and you'd never know I wasn't comfortable, but it's not comforting inside. There is a part of me that doesn't want to be lonely and a part of me that can't finds no solace in social situations. Generally, I choose loneliness over anxiety, except in situations where I have no choice (like school). SR is giving me something in between what feels to me like two extremes.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a good day. Today is National Pecan Sandies Day (seriously), so remember to have a cookie!
I really like it here. I like the calm. I'm not usually a calm person inside so it's helpful to be in a calm place like this. Meetings, or being in any group, is often a source of anxiety for me. I can do it (have hundreds of times), and you'd never know I wasn't comfortable, but it's not comforting inside. There is a part of me that doesn't want to be lonely and a part of me that can't finds no solace in social situations. Generally, I choose loneliness over anxiety, except in situations where I have no choice (like school). SR is giving me something in between what feels to me like two extremes.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a good day. Today is National Pecan Sandies Day (seriously), so remember to have a cookie!
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Once again, I miss a major national holiday! Pecan Sandies Day!!!
About 2 years ago I developed an allergy to tree nuts, so I guess I'll have to send up some firecrackers to celebrate.
About 2 years ago I developed an allergy to tree nuts, so I guess I'll have to send up some firecrackers to celebrate.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
misty,
I have enjoyed seeing you in chat lately if you think chat is "calm" er...well.....
But I think i get what you are saying cause i have found that participating in SR is bringing huge benifits to my life including my f2f interactions.
Just the other day i was telling an SR friend that when we meet i will actually be quite shy...they about died laughing...but it's true...not as true as it was 2 years ago though
I am not very comfortable being myself in f2f unless i have had time to relax, feel out the group or individual..it is all very complicated and takes time....now i find it much easier to get a comfort level and just participate...but nothing near what i find here on SR...it takes time for the translation to make it to f2f for me.
I have enjoyed seeing you in chat lately
if you think chat is "calm" er...well..... But I think i get what you are saying cause i have found that participating in SR is bringing huge benifits to my life including my f2f interactions.
Just the other day i was telling an SR friend that when we meet i will actually be quite shy...they about died laughing...but it's true...not as true as it was 2 years ago though
I am not very comfortable being myself in f2f unless i have had time to relax, feel out the group or individual..it is all very complicated and takes time....now i find it much easier to get a comfort level and just participate...but nothing near what i find here on SR...it takes time for the translation to make it to f2f for me.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Had kinda a rollercoaster day yesterday. I started the morning with a phone call from a employment recruiter about a job I had interviewed for the day before. She was very excited (I've been working with her for about 2 months trying to get an interview) and said the ladies I interviewed were very excited about me and called her at 7:30 that morning to make sure they moved me along in the process.
This is a company I have wanted to work for for a long time. I am a sales rep, and the interview was for a sales rep position. I had previously interviewed for a "greeter" position, just to get my foot in the door, but was told that they really felt I would be a better fit in sales, to which I agreed.
So I go to fill out the online application they sent me and I notice at the top it says it is for a greeter position. I call my recruiter and ask about it and she says that they had already offered the sales position to someone else, but were offering me the greeter position. Needless to say I was disappointed. I asked what the pay was and she said $10/hr. When I applied for the position previously I was under the inpression that there were some commission opportunities available as well, so I figured I could at least get by until something else opened up. Turns out, no commission opportunities, and the position they are offering me is part time, not full time, and I would not be able to apply for a different postion for at least 6 months.
I am 40 years old, and though I am currently staying with my parrents, so I have no room and board to worry about, I do have other responsibilities like car payment, child suppport, insurance, etc. This job wouldn't have even covered my child support and gas money (25 mile comute each way)! The recruiter thought all this had been discussed at the interview, but the only thing mentioned about that postion was that I had at one time applied for it, but was told I would be better in sales. They asked why I applied for it, and I said because I really wanted to work for the company and was willing to work my way in. I was unaware of the salary structure at the time.
Needless to say I was very bummed out. I went from feeling great about, what I thought was an excellent interview that had panned out, to pretty much feeling like I got screwed. They obviously had already made a decision, probably even before I interviewed, on who they were going to hire. My interview was at 4PM and they called the recruiter at 7:30am. When I interviewed for the greeter position, they told me they wanted me in sales, but when I finally got a sales interview, they offer me a greeter position!!
I spent pretty much the whole day being "out of sorts". Didn't drink, though the thought crossed my mind, but I didn't see where that would really make things any better.
The day ended on a positive note, however, thanks to SR. I was reading in the Newcomers section a threat 1 day@a time posted about a book he recomended for people who weren't into AA. He is someone who has been on the boards for a long time. Pretty hard core AA guy, but a totally good person with his heart in the right place. He joined the site a little after I did, so I have read and followed his posts for years. So I responded to his post that I would definately add it to my list of recovery books I want to buy, but due to my current lack of employment, I'd probably need to wait until I got a job and money's real tight right now.
Late last night I clicked back on the thread and there was a response from him saying to PM him my address and he's send me a copy. It literally brought tears to my eyes. For someone, a total stranger really (though we have corosponded on threads before, though not always seeing eye to eye) to do that for me, just touched my heart!! So I sent him my address and he said he'd put it in the mail today.
Just thought I'd share that story. It was a nice ending to a somewhat crappy day!! Thanks for listening all. Take care.
This is a company I have wanted to work for for a long time. I am a sales rep, and the interview was for a sales rep position. I had previously interviewed for a "greeter" position, just to get my foot in the door, but was told that they really felt I would be a better fit in sales, to which I agreed.
So I go to fill out the online application they sent me and I notice at the top it says it is for a greeter position. I call my recruiter and ask about it and she says that they had already offered the sales position to someone else, but were offering me the greeter position. Needless to say I was disappointed. I asked what the pay was and she said $10/hr. When I applied for the position previously I was under the inpression that there were some commission opportunities available as well, so I figured I could at least get by until something else opened up. Turns out, no commission opportunities, and the position they are offering me is part time, not full time, and I would not be able to apply for a different postion for at least 6 months.
I am 40 years old, and though I am currently staying with my parrents, so I have no room and board to worry about, I do have other responsibilities like car payment, child suppport, insurance, etc. This job wouldn't have even covered my child support and gas money (25 mile comute each way)! The recruiter thought all this had been discussed at the interview, but the only thing mentioned about that postion was that I had at one time applied for it, but was told I would be better in sales. They asked why I applied for it, and I said because I really wanted to work for the company and was willing to work my way in. I was unaware of the salary structure at the time.
Needless to say I was very bummed out. I went from feeling great about, what I thought was an excellent interview that had panned out, to pretty much feeling like I got screwed. They obviously had already made a decision, probably even before I interviewed, on who they were going to hire. My interview was at 4PM and they called the recruiter at 7:30am. When I interviewed for the greeter position, they told me they wanted me in sales, but when I finally got a sales interview, they offer me a greeter position!!
I spent pretty much the whole day being "out of sorts". Didn't drink, though the thought crossed my mind, but I didn't see where that would really make things any better.
The day ended on a positive note, however, thanks to SR. I was reading in the Newcomers section a threat 1 day@a time posted about a book he recomended for people who weren't into AA. He is someone who has been on the boards for a long time. Pretty hard core AA guy, but a totally good person with his heart in the right place. He joined the site a little after I did, so I have read and followed his posts for years. So I responded to his post that I would definately add it to my list of recovery books I want to buy, but due to my current lack of employment, I'd probably need to wait until I got a job and money's real tight right now.
Late last night I clicked back on the thread and there was a response from him saying to PM him my address and he's send me a copy. It literally brought tears to my eyes. For someone, a total stranger really (though we have corosponded on threads before, though not always seeing eye to eye) to do that for me, just touched my heart!! So I sent him my address and he said he'd put it in the mail today.
Just thought I'd share that story. It was a nice ending to a somewhat crappy day!! Thanks for listening all. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
Tyler, sorry about the job. What a disappointment. Good for you for getting through it! One door closes, another will open.
I'm getting the book recommended by 1 day too and am looking forward to hearing your thoughts on it.
I'm getting the book recommended by 1 day too and am looking forward to hearing your thoughts on it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
Thanks for sharing that, Nan. No, chat is not calm, lol, it's a way to spend some time around sober people though.
I really am going to the SMART meeting tomorrow night. I've a hunch it won't be as . . . shall we say . . . emotionally charged as AA often is, and that's a good thing for me.
I really am going to the SMART meeting tomorrow night. I've a hunch it won't be as . . . shall we say . . . emotionally charged as AA often is, and that's a good thing for me.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I think that guy is pretty super too Tyler! I had an extra emotional, sh!tty day yesterday which is rare for me. But I got such an out pouring of support here and on facebook, it chilled my rage out rather quickly.
Up from the ashes
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 213
Windy, while you're laid up, you should listen to some soft music played by calm, relaxed people:
YouTube - Pantera - ******* Hostile
YouTube - Abattoir - Ace Of Spades (Motorhead cover)
YouTube - Skid Row - Slave to the grind
YouTube - Steeler(US) - Hot On Your Heels
YouTube - Pantera - ******* Hostile
YouTube - Abattoir - Ace Of Spades (Motorhead cover)
YouTube - Skid Row - Slave to the grind
YouTube - Steeler(US) - Hot On Your Heels
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Not checking in much due to limited internet access. I'm out of town, again, for my grandparents' 65th wedding anniversary. So far it's been ok with my family who live down here.
The next paragraph is a vent. Just FYI:
My sister has been on me all day though. She thinks my friends and I are all losers. I quit caring what she thinks of me a long time ago (did I ever care? To say we've never been close would be putting in mildly), but I hate having to put up with her temper tantrums and drama. In front of my grandparents and parents she screamed and cussed at me that she was better than I am because 8 or 9 months ago she thinks my friends and I did pot at a concert that she attended with us. If only she knew, right? That was the first night I had not been high in about 10 days. She used to smoke, drink, and do some weed occasionally but she is on some medication that makes her unable to now. She's very self-righteous about anyone who does that stuff being a loser. The funniest part is that she rubs it in my face, "Well my boyfriend would never smoke pot, he's not a loser like you and your ex." Two weeks ago her boyfriend and I smoked just about the fattest joint I've ever seen.
That was all a vent, which I needed to do because here's the real problem for me: last Xmas when I was here at my grandparents' house I was miserable. No dope for a week and just to get a fix (I'm not proud of this one) I stole some oxycontin from my grandmother. I've thought about the fact that her oxycontin is on the kitchen table at least 2 times an hour since I got here. They never were my thing but they're drugs and they're so tantalizingly available. And not just oxycontin. There's lortab, oxycodone, and more! It's like a Wonderland of Torture for to walk past the kitchen table.
It's going to be a long week.
The next paragraph is a vent. Just FYI:
My sister has been on me all day though. She thinks my friends and I are all losers. I quit caring what she thinks of me a long time ago (did I ever care? To say we've never been close would be putting in mildly), but I hate having to put up with her temper tantrums and drama. In front of my grandparents and parents she screamed and cussed at me that she was better than I am because 8 or 9 months ago she thinks my friends and I did pot at a concert that she attended with us. If only she knew, right? That was the first night I had not been high in about 10 days. She used to smoke, drink, and do some weed occasionally but she is on some medication that makes her unable to now. She's very self-righteous about anyone who does that stuff being a loser. The funniest part is that she rubs it in my face, "Well my boyfriend would never smoke pot, he's not a loser like you and your ex." Two weeks ago her boyfriend and I smoked just about the fattest joint I've ever seen.
That was all a vent, which I needed to do because here's the real problem for me: last Xmas when I was here at my grandparents' house I was miserable. No dope for a week and just to get a fix (I'm not proud of this one) I stole some oxycontin from my grandmother. I've thought about the fact that her oxycontin is on the kitchen table at least 2 times an hour since I got here. They never were my thing but they're drugs and they're so tantalizingly available. And not just oxycontin. There's lortab, oxycodone, and more! It's like a Wonderland of Torture for to walk past the kitchen table.
It's going to be a long week.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
Our finances have been getting tighter and tighter, and I fear they'll snap in our future. I'm trying to stay out of the future, using strategies in "Love is Letting Go of Fear," and it's working for the most part. This morning, the annual bill for house insurance came in, and I went from feeling fairly peaceful to terribly anxious.
The thing is, I have one more semester of classes to get my degree. I'm done in December. My previous part-time position was dissolved when the program I worked for dissolved in May. There's not many jobs to be had out there, and I'd really hate to start and quit (too many of those on my resume); or get stuck in one that wouldn't work with classes; or get stuck doing something I despise. Just the thought of the whole application/resume/interview rat race is enough to make me want run and hide (run to a liquor store and hide inside a video game). So, I took a peaceful moment and breathed and waited to see if any intuitive notion presented itself. One did: I decided to call my boss from the job that dissolved in May. I know she has no work for me, grant money is tight, but decided to call anyway.
Turns out, I was right. She's actually had grants cut and the organization is really struggling. But, she mentioned a lady I worked for 15 years ago that is now really busy with her own business and might be able to use me. One thing I know about her: She pays well (for this area anyway) and I'd be working from home! So I could work around my classes. I'd be writing grants more than likely since that's kind of her specialty. Anyway, my fingers are crossed.
The thing is, I have one more semester of classes to get my degree. I'm done in December. My previous part-time position was dissolved when the program I worked for dissolved in May. There's not many jobs to be had out there, and I'd really hate to start and quit (too many of those on my resume); or get stuck in one that wouldn't work with classes; or get stuck doing something I despise. Just the thought of the whole application/resume/interview rat race is enough to make me want run and hide (run to a liquor store and hide inside a video game). So, I took a peaceful moment and breathed and waited to see if any intuitive notion presented itself. One did: I decided to call my boss from the job that dissolved in May. I know she has no work for me, grant money is tight, but decided to call anyway.
Turns out, I was right. She's actually had grants cut and the organization is really struggling. But, she mentioned a lady I worked for 15 years ago that is now really busy with her own business and might be able to use me. One thing I know about her: She pays well (for this area anyway) and I'd be working from home! So I could work around my classes. I'd be writing grants more than likely since that's kind of her specialty. Anyway, my fingers are crossed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
struggling today....jsut thought i'de check in....i'll be fine i think that if i don't drink or use...i have to sorta face the crap that i use to run from....sucks...but hopefully i'll negotiate it differently today and things will get better
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Hope things are looking up Nands, and good luck on the job, Misty!
Sis moved her passive-aggressive roadshow to email now, she's sent me 6 emails from the kitchen about what a loser I am. I told her to quit running her mouth about me and my friends, think whatever she wanted, and leave me alone. So when she brought it up a few minutes ago I told her again to leave me alone. Seriously I'd rather not talk to her again if she's going to tell me I'm a loser all the time. Hell, I might prefer not to talk to her again anyway at this point.
The family stress is really not good for me with the oxycontin pills sitting on the table, free for the taking. They haunt my thoughts. But I decided this was a good opportunity to show myself that I can do it. Even with drugs sitting on the table, easily available, I won't take them. It will be ok, I don't need the drugs. I just keep telling myself that.
My anti-drug for the week is helping prepare the aforementioned 65th wedding anniversary party for about 70 people. Plus I got a mini manicure kit. I just got it to make sure my nails were nice for the party, but it's become my destressing thing. I have just about the shiniest nails on the planet. If I keep buffing them at this rate I won't have any nails left by Friday.
One thing that sis said that really got to me today was that I was being irresponsible because I have an alkie friend that I have not "gotten help for." I almost laughed. I worry about him and even mentioned that his drinking worries me (but I have no room to talk or tell him what he should do) but it is not my responsibility to find help for him. He knows it is available, and he told me he knows he's a raging alcoholic and has no intention of quitting. Does she expect me to tie him up and drag him to AA (or SMART or LifeRing!!) or something? It's ridiculous.
Time to stop whining and continue buffing my nails again.
Sis moved her passive-aggressive roadshow to email now, she's sent me 6 emails from the kitchen about what a loser I am. I told her to quit running her mouth about me and my friends, think whatever she wanted, and leave me alone. So when she brought it up a few minutes ago I told her again to leave me alone. Seriously I'd rather not talk to her again if she's going to tell me I'm a loser all the time. Hell, I might prefer not to talk to her again anyway at this point.
The family stress is really not good for me with the oxycontin pills sitting on the table, free for the taking. They haunt my thoughts. But I decided this was a good opportunity to show myself that I can do it. Even with drugs sitting on the table, easily available, I won't take them. It will be ok, I don't need the drugs. I just keep telling myself that.
My anti-drug for the week is helping prepare the aforementioned 65th wedding anniversary party for about 70 people. Plus I got a mini manicure kit. I just got it to make sure my nails were nice for the party, but it's become my destressing thing. I have just about the shiniest nails on the planet. If I keep buffing them at this rate I won't have any nails left by Friday.
One thing that sis said that really got to me today was that I was being irresponsible because I have an alkie friend that I have not "gotten help for." I almost laughed. I worry about him and even mentioned that his drinking worries me (but I have no room to talk or tell him what he should do) but it is not my responsibility to find help for him. He knows it is available, and he told me he knows he's a raging alcoholic and has no intention of quitting. Does she expect me to tie him up and drag him to AA (or SMART or LifeRing!!) or something? It's ridiculous.
Time to stop whining and continue buffing my nails again.
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