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Old 07-16-2018, 11:46 AM
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Late check in today but I'm still here and still sober!

Made it through my first week and I'm feeling a fair bit more stable. I enjoyed having my parents here today and we just went out for long walk (me and mum), I have a brother age 40, who has been living with my folks for the last decade. I've been getting more and more angry with him over the last few years as I feel like he mis-treats them, takes advantage and is not helpful towards them and does not show them enough gratitude. He also abused my hospitality for many years and I know I have had this simmering anger that has steadily grown. I moved away a couple of years ago because I couldn't handle how the situation made me feel. My mum basically said that they don't see it like that and are alright with most of his behaviours. I am so angry over things that they are actually ok with!!

How do I start to let go of anger?? I know it's something that I need to think about and I want a better relationship with my brother. I need to not make these things mine. I'm in a cycle of getting really angry about this stuff then feeling horribly guilty for expressing it. It's been years. I need to let it go.

Any advice would be awesome. Thank you. Gabexx
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Old 07-16-2018, 11:54 AM
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You answered your own question; "I need to not make these things mine." I get where you're coming from,because my mother still spoils my 22yr old daughter. My daughter has a great job,money in the bank,car paid off(I bought that for college),lives with me for free and my mother just throws money at her like crazy still. It's really weird,BUT it's not my business. They're both adults and can do as they please. I still think it's odd as hell though.
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Old 07-16-2018, 12:08 PM
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I can relate.

I'm dealing with a lot of emotions because of my attachment to my alcoholic sister's impact on my relationship with other members of my family.

At the core, it's just ME creating my own suffering. Yes - they're wound around her axle and yes, there is a lot of drama and yes, some of it has directly impacted me in things they've said and done....

But the bottom line is; none of that stuff is 'mine'. It's a difficult but important opportunity to practice letting go, focusing on my own life and the things I can directly influence in living my life my best.... and they can engage with me when / if they feel compelled to.

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Old 07-16-2018, 12:24 PM
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Hey Gabe!
Found you at last!
Oh my days - anger, frustration and resentment. Trigger city! Honestly? I think for now remembering that above all else there is nothing that warrants another sip of poison. Keep your absolute focus on your sobriety - nothing else matters.
One of Dee's gems of advice comes in handy for me and it goes something on the lines of " drinking on anger/resentment is like pouring poison down your throat and expecting the other person to die".
That has dragged me through some pretty tricky situations Gabe.
Anger still remains something I struggle with. I think it stems from my desire to have total control over everything and I just can't no matter how much I want to.
So I try and do a little better each time. Think about what I can actually control, what effect this anger is having on me and do my very best to put the situation into perspective. Oh yes and try and remember that I am not the centre of everyone else's universe! Sometimes things are frankly none of my business!
I suspect that that feelings of anger are something to do with our poorly brains having uncomfortable feelings which are usually dealt with by anesthetising through alcohol. When our brain doesn't get it's fix it has a tantrum and we get very cross indeed!
Oh dear I'm rambling already and it's my first post on your thread!
Really in a nutshell I'm kind of just empathising with the feelings you are having. Internal dialogue over the situation does help and I know I'm hoping that over time the switch to angry beast will lessen.
But the main thing I need you to remember is that anger is (for me at least) trigger of all trigger if indulged. No matter how badly your brother may be behaving it's not worth that precious week you've earned is it?
Lots of love and absolutely keep offloading here like you are
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(can't work out how to do love hearts on my laptop so kisses will have to do!)
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Old 07-16-2018, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
You answered your own question; "I need to not make these things mine." I get where you're coming from,because my mother still spoils my 22yr old daughter. My daughter has a great job,money in the bank,car paid off(I bought that for college),lives with me for free and my mother just throws money at her like crazy still. It's really weird,BUT it's not my business. They're both adults and can do as they please. I still think it's odd as hell though.
I know! They are all adults and it really has nothing to do with me. He can treat them like **** and if they choose to accept this then what can I do? I think I really have to accept that just because I see it as wrong, it doesn't mean they do..........and the only think I can control is whether or not I accept his behaviour towards me. Weirdly, these days, that tends to be ok!! Maybe cause I don't see him much
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Old 07-16-2018, 12:27 PM
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If you can't change what is happening around you....reframe the way you look at it. This will change the way you feel about it. This is why happy people can stay happy. Everything that happens is viewed as something to help them learn and grow. They navigate around using everything to move them forward.
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Old 07-16-2018, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
I can relate.

I'm dealing with a lot of emotions because of my attachment to my alcoholic sister's impact on my relationship with other members of my family.

At the core, it's just ME creating my own suffering. Yes - they're wound around her axle and yes, there is a lot of drama and yes, some of it has directly impacted me in things they've said and done....

But the bottom line is; none of that stuff is 'mine'. It's a difficult but important opportunity to practice letting go, focusing on my own life and the things I can directly influence in living my life my best.... and they can engage with me when / if they feel compelled to.

I totally agree, I've been really aware of how my anger is only affecting me and that it's toxic. I behave in ways and use words that I am really ashamed of once I calm down, just really derogatory things that I feel are out of character for me. It's ugly and makes me feel ugly. I think at the root of it all I just resent this as a block to everything in my family being 'ok' or maybe the way I think it should be. I know that the only thing I can change in this scenario is my response. I think that maybe means just not speaking to anyone about it anymore as I flare up really quickly. I'm working on compassion, I know there are reasons he is doing what he is doing and also reasons that my parents accept it. AGAIN their reasons!

I hope things get better in your sister/family situation and I appreciate you sharing your perspective.
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Old 07-16-2018, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980 View Post
I know! They are all adults and it really has nothing to do with me. He can treat them like **** and if they choose to accept this then what can I do? I think I really have to accept that just because I see it as wrong, it doesn't mean they do..........and the only think I can control is whether or not I accept his behaviour towards me. Weirdly, these days, that tends to be ok!! Maybe cause I don't see him much
I'm also really into investing my money for my future and my mother isn't getting any younger,so she won't be able to work forever. When I bring it up to her she says; "You have plenty of money..I'll live off of you!" and then laughs. I actually think she thinks/acts like she's joking,but I know her finacial situation,sooo... My mother also has a great job,BUT she lives,for free, in one of my investment properties and thinks she has this "extra money" now. The main reason I let her live there rent free now is to save for retirement. Last time I said something she 'offered' to move into an extra room at my house so I can collect rent on the unit?..Like I said..odd as hell. She lost her mother recently, so I'm letting it slide for now.
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Old 07-16-2018, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by joandmelandhan View Post
Hey Gabe!
Found you at last!
Oh my days - anger, frustration and resentment. Trigger city! Honestly? I think for now remembering that above all else there is nothing that warrants another sip of poison. Keep your absolute focus on your sobriety - nothing else matters.
One of Dee's gems of advice comes in handy for me and it goes something on the lines of " drinking on anger/resentment is like pouring poison down your throat and expecting the other person to die".
That has dragged me through some pretty tricky situations Gabe.
Anger still remains something I struggle with. I think it stems from my desire to have total control over everything and I just can't no matter how much I want to.
So I try and do a little better each time. Think about what I can actually control, what effect this anger is having on me and do my very best to put the situation into perspective. Oh yes and try and remember that I am not the centre of everyone else's universe! Sometimes things are frankly none of my business!
I suspect that that feelings of anger are something to do with our poorly brains having uncomfortable feelings which are usually dealt with by anesthetising through alcohol. When our brain doesn't get it's fix it has a tantrum and we get very cross indeed!
Oh dear I'm rambling already and it's my first post on your thread!
Really in a nutshell I'm kind of just empathising with the feelings you are having. Internal dialogue over the situation does help and I know I'm hoping that over time the switch to angry beast will lessen.
But the main thing I need you to remember is that anger is (for me at least) trigger of all trigger if indulged. No matter how badly your brother may be behaving it's not worth that precious week you've earned is it?
Lots of love and absolutely keep offloading here like you are
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(can't work out how to do love hearts on my laptop so kisses will have to do!)
Hi Jojo Thanks for making over here, I love your posts! It is a tough one and I do know how destructive anger can be for me. I have such a strong experience connection between anger and guilt. I think I always found it impossible to express anger in any kind of controlled or positive way that when it comes out, it's ugly and I immediately feel guilty and afraid something bad will happen.
But y'know, I've said my piece about this (to family members) more than once and it's never helped, I've never felt better (mainly worse) and I don't want to do this anymore. So I'm letting go.......Thanks again Jo. Gabexx

That's really interesting about control though......things aren't the way I want them to be, so it makes me angry. I think it's as much about this as it is about feeling like my parents are being mistreated. I don't like how his behaviour makes me feel........I want to control this and fix it, but I can't.......hmmmmm that's something to think about xx
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Old 07-16-2018, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
If you can't change what is happening around you....reframe the way you look at it. This will change the way you feel about it. This is why happy people can stay happy. Everything that happens is viewed as something to help them learn and grow. They navigate around using everything to move them forward.
I was reading that people who make you angry and frustrated are here to teach you patience The are here to give you an opportunity to learn and for that we should be grateful for them, and for the opportunity. I think that is a good start in reframing my perspecitve! It feels like a wee bit of a stretch from how I feel today but definitely something I can work/meditate on. I know there is a way.....I don't think I've properly tried to be honest. Maybe I was a bit too attached to feeling I am 'right' and my brother is 'wrong'.....thanks Chloe, I working on being one of those happy people xxxx
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Old 07-16-2018, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
I'm also really into investing my money for my future and my mother isn't getting any younger,so she won't be able to work forever. When I bring it up to her she says; "You have plenty of money..I'll live off of you!" and then laughs. I actually think she thinks/acts like she's joking,but I know her finacial situation,sooo... My mother also has a great job,BUT she lives,for free, in one of my investment properties and thinks she has this "extra money" now. The main reason I let her live there rent free now is to save for retirement. Last time I said something she 'offered' to move into an extra room at my house so I can collect rent on the unit?..Like I said..odd as hell. She lost her mother recently, so I'm letting it slide for now.
I can totally understand why your mum throwing money at your daughter and not saving is driving you a bit nuts just now. It's when you can see the furture coming and what needs to be done but have very little control as to whether these things are actually done or not. It sounds like you are really trying your best to support her....
My sister has the same perpective...any money is extra money...it's frightening xxx
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Old 07-16-2018, 01:03 PM
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Someone has a week today..... so happy for you love.
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Old 07-16-2018, 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
Someone has a week today..... so happy for you love.
Yay!!!! Thank you Suze. It feels hard earned but the really good news is instead of drifting away from SR as I feel better, I actually feel the opposite this time. I feel like I'm understanding how to make this a priority - for that I am so grateful and I am grateful for you Suze and for all the work you do on 24.
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Old 07-16-2018, 01:19 PM
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Thank you honey.....but the mods do the work....I am just unbelievably blessed to be a part of all of this.....blessed that my daily recovery plan includes sharing and giving with people I love.....blessed full-stop. I am a happy camper.
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Old 07-16-2018, 03:21 PM
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Congratulations on your hard-earned week, Gabe. May it all get less difficult as you roll along.

I think Chloe's point about perspective is valuable. If I make myself miserable (or furious) over someone else's business, I'm sort of making myself into the center of the universe. I do this - blame myself for all manner of things that aren't at all because of me. And I quietly stew over a perceived slight to another person without simply addressing it head on. Switching things up to understand that everyone has their own road can be very liberating.

O
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Old 07-17-2018, 12:36 PM
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Thanks for your post O, it made me chuckle a little bit as I can certainly be the centre of my own universe! A couple of things have happened this week where I thought I had a definite handle on things, only to find out that there was a whole other viewpoint or information, I found out later that totally changed my opinion. I think anger is very much like that......a determination to go along a road that it destructive and make you feel bad.

Anyway....it really helped to share those feelings yesterday and I had a pretty awesome day today hanging out with my folks. I've been struggling to have any motivation for excercise but I've been walking the last couple of nights and I can feel that drive coming back.
I'm just starting to feel a bit more comfortable and a lot less scared, but I am scared about becoming complacent. I suppose that confidence comes with time. I just gotta give it time.
Thank you for yesterday everyone. Much appreciated. Gabe xx
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Old 07-18-2018, 12:10 PM
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Checking in today. Got very stressed this evening. Lovely having my parents to stay but I think I've had enough. I need to lay down in a dark room for a day and hear nothing but the sound of my own breathing....

Still here and still gratefully sober. Love Gabe xx
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Old 07-18-2018, 01:25 PM
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I know how you feel love....sending so many hugs. ♥♥♥
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Old 07-18-2018, 02:16 PM
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I'm thinking of you Gabe! This is exactly how I felt after my mum and her friend stayed with me for a week. I hope you get some rest and feel better soon! Love you to the moon and back!
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Old 07-18-2018, 04:53 PM
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Hang on there Gabe

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