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Old 07-22-2018, 08:39 AM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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Hi, Gabe! My thoughts are with you♡
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Old 07-22-2018, 11:12 AM
  # 82 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Yeah. I came into recovery because I was sick of my relationships being so difficult.

Some of the relationships had to go. Some of them I changed the frequency with which I was willing to engage. Some of them I had to learn to say, "No."

I read so many self-help books. They really helped. The Bible helped a lot too.

I finally just got tired of the fight - internally and externally. I put it down. I forgave. I stopped engaging with my mother, she was who she was and that wasn't up to me to change. There were many times I just walked away from her, or said, "Mom, I have to go," and hung up the phone. And then there were the times she still elicited tears from me. It just happens - family can really get under the skin.

They aren't always right.

I can walk away - and I can not reply. Not engaging was the most powerful, healing thing I did. Keeping my balance became the most important thing and I accomplished that by not talking and/or by not reacting.
Thanks Bim, that really is helpful to read. I've been thinking today about the affect this all has on me and actually my part in it is just feeding into the insecurity that I don't really matter. I am lucky, my family all love one another but we all grew up with this anxiety of under-achieving, of not being good enough. I don't think I've ever felt like it was enough to be myself.
But I'm 37 now, I want to accept myself as enough, without the jobs, the degrees. I always felt judged (actually we were all judged) and I've let that become the relationship I have with myself. I'm judgemental of my siblings too. It's not right.

I'm going to re-negotiate all of this into something I can manage and not feel guilty - I have suffered from chronic guilt my whole life xxx
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Old 07-22-2018, 11:15 AM
  # 83 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
Hi, Gabe! My thoughts are with you♡
Hi Chloe Thank you! I think your thoughts worked, I've made it through the weekend. I hope you are good xx
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Old 07-22-2018, 11:37 AM
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Yes, Gabe, I am doing very well. Thank you for your concern. I am happy that you made it thru the weekend. You never know just how strong you are until you are tested. You should be very proud of yourself! You are an inspiration to others that struggle with their own battles. Keep it up! ♡CR
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Old 07-22-2018, 03:14 PM
  # 85 (permalink)  
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^^^ Oh yeah. ♥
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:40 PM
  # 86 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
Yes, Gabe, I am doing very well. Thank you for your concern. I am happy that you made it thru the weekend. You never know just how strong you are until you are tested. You should be very proud of yourself! You are an inspiration to others that struggle with their own battles. Keep it up! ♡CR
Thank you both for so much for this. I don't feel very inspirational but I am finally realising that sitting with this stuff is helping me move forward, instead of drowning it out with booze. Painful but necessary healing You all inspire me.

Sorry for the late reply - I over did it on technology this weekend and needed a day with real books! Love Gabe xx
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:50 PM
  # 87 (permalink)  
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Bit of an emotional basket case today but definitely feeling better. I cried a lot and figured a lot of stuff out too. It was cathartic and I realised that if I had stated drinking on Saturday I would have still been emotionally sitting in the dark, not understanding all the conflict I was feeling. Strange emotions today. Desperation in part and anger for being stuck with this and not being able to use drink to cope......grateful for being stuck with this and not being able to use drink to cope.....tearful at (you get the jist)

Beast activity this wkend included the following:

1) Now you have figured out that you need to work on being yourself, you can drink, because that is part of who you are and you were only trying to 'fix' it to be 'perfect' for everyone else.

2) If people don't like you drinking the **** them....you put up with plenty you don't like from them too.

3) When you (fill in the blank) this year you will have to drink because you can't go around feeling/behaving like this with other people who are trying to have a good time.

4) Once you properly heal all this emotional stuff you will be able to moderate. You only drink the way you do because of these unknown emotional issues that are coming to the surface.

5) It's ok to drink if you are going to see live music with Steve. Otherwise you are just boring!

Luckily I DON'T DRINK so all this chatter is just that.....chatter. It was a bit too loud this weekend for my liking but I have faith it will quieten down. Swearing and shouting out load at the beast seems quite effective too!

Lots of love everyone....especially those who had a rough weekend. Thanks as always...Gabe xxx
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:51 PM
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" I need to spend a day with real books" made me write this:
I love to go to the library...in fact I wanted to be a librarian when I was a little girl. I use to have my friends over to my playroom (which was full of shelves of books) and check books out to them to read!
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
" I need to spend a day with real books" made me write this:
I love to go to the library...in fact I wanted to be a librarian when I was a little girl. I use to have my friends over to my playroom (which was full of shelves of books) and check books out to them to read!
Aww this put the biggest smile on my face! I was exactly the same. I used to sit up until 2am with a torch under the bedding then fall asleep at school. I love that you made your friends check out books

Night night Chloe xxx
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:42 PM
  # 90 (permalink)  
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Sweet dreams, my friend!
Get some rest. You deserve it!♡
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Old 07-25-2018, 07:49 AM
  # 91 (permalink)  
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You know what's boring? Having to deal with drunk people. That gets old real fast....I LOVE that I don't put anyone through this anymore. I may not be as wooooooo hoooooo going out to see the live music, but I sure won't be embarrassing myself. Or my guy. And hey.....it's so awesome to go out to hear live music and NOT DRINK. I think once you do it a few times you will love it.

Gabe honey.....there are so many ways we can analyse this.....the drinking.....addiction/disease/I am a weak person (my mum's opinion).....but in the end, when you and I drink, we cannot stop....and then we fall down and break our heads. Sometimes that causes death. So that's really all I need.
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Old 07-25-2018, 10:18 AM
  # 92 (permalink)  
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Thanks Suze, I'm trying to really hold on to that. I don't know why I'm finding this so hard. It's like I've gone back to the first time I tried to quit. Fighting it every day.

Things have been pretty crap - my husband is binge drinking more and more. Came in hammered last night, was blackout cooking (so dangerous) and got curry on the kitchen ceiling,,,,,and then peed the bed. I was up and down all night and was in work today shattered and just struggling to manage in general.

I spoke to him this morning and he basically said that I did drunken stuff repeatedly before, so I just have to suck it up. It's fair enough......I have. I know his drinking has nothing to do with me or mine with him. I'm just sick of how we are living. Him drunk 3 days in a row and me hiding at home just trying to get through the weekend. Sorry - bit of a pity party. I just don't know why I still want to drink after all this.
You are right Suze.....when I drink I fall down and hit my head....it might kill me one day. I do just have to suck this up and get on with it. Nobody is going to do it for me. Just needed to moan - sorry!
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Old 07-25-2018, 04:17 PM
  # 93 (permalink)  
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Hey love....I hear you. You are dealing with way more than your stuff right now....that is NOT easy.

Nick and I have been through this. And we survived. And I can help.

It is possible to save yourself and still help someone else....I know your field...so I know you will hear this...all this codependency talk is big right now....sure....but in the real world we affect each other and there are strategies to love someone and help them without hurting ourselves...

one step at a time. First step is you.

So much love.
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Old 07-29-2018, 01:06 AM
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Ok....going to keep this thread going.

Thank you very much for all your support yesterday - It must be frustrating to say the same things again and again to people then watch them relapse. I am one of those people. I had a hard look at myself yesterday and didn't like what I saw. I saw someone who says they wants to be sober......but wants it to be easier and quickly achieved. Someone who still acts like a child in the face of difficult emotions and is quick to let myself off the hook with excuses to allow me to drink....because, really, I just want to keep on drinking. Just in a way where there are no negative consequences and every is happy. I think that defines what I'm experiencing right now. So I've decided the following:

1) What I am doing is not working and has only got me so far. If I can't stay sober then I need to try new things - so I've looked around and there is SMART recovery online and Refuge Recovery (unfortunately no meetings here) or AA (four meetings a week). I think I might need real, live people just now so AA may be the way to go. I think that I'll only know if I try.

2) I don't prioritise this. I just don't. I do bits and pieces but I don't make it my priority. I was thinking last week that I don't know how to.......but what a ridiculous and childish thing to tell myself. I think my AV is a spoiled child. I need a structure to my day that make recovery a priority and that means addressing my work life. I need to find a more manageable way to work and that might involve cutting down and saying no to far more than I do right now.

3) Another thing I have found really hard (my AV talking), is that I'm boring. My husband is drinking heavily and does almost everyone I know and to be honest they make me feel like a social outcast, despite the fact that I have said I have a problem with alcohol. I need to work on this and just get to a place where I don't care. What they are actually saying is that my drinking would make them feel better, despite the consequences for me.

3) Stress - a massive contributing factor. I know this. I have been doing meditation and massage but I need to exercise. I think that is really vital. Thank you for the stress recovery plan info Dee. I think this has to be a big part of what I need to include. Most other things I can handle but being really stressed for long periods of time gets me every time. It was about 3 weeks of feeling stressed out of my mind before I drank this time and I didn't do enough to deal with that in healthy ways. I just kept going to my bed.

4) GROW UP! Take responsibility for myself and for my actions.

Anyway......thank you for reading all this and for sticking with me. I know it can be done....I see people here who have the sober life they wanted.....and I know that can be me if I make it my priority.

I going to sign off with my real name now, as I think using Gabe helps me hide from this.....so hi! I'm Rachel and I'm a grateful member of the SR community.

Sorry this is so long!
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Old 07-29-2018, 01:18 AM
  # 95 (permalink)  
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Hi, Rachel!
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Old 07-29-2018, 01:23 AM
  # 96 (permalink)  
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Hi Chloe!
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Old 07-29-2018, 02:16 AM
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I love long accountability threads from people who can write well and express themselves; also a bonus when they feature continued sobriety! I find many of your thoughts to be very helpful to my way of thinking about recovery, so I hope you continue to update regularly.

(Rachel is a much prettier name than Gabe...My real name is Arp. Yes, it's quite lovely, as well...)
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Old 07-29-2018, 02:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Arpeggioh View Post
I love long accountability threads from people who can write well and express themselves; also a bonus when they feature continued sobriety! I find many of your thoughts to be very helpful to my way of thinking about recovery, so I hope you continue to update regularly.

(Rachel is a much prettier name than Gabe...My real name is Arp. Yes, it's quite lovely, as well...)
Thank you Arp! I always worry that I'm boring the socks off people, but it really does help to record thoughts and feelings as they come up. I think maintainance is a challenge in pretty much every area of my life.....so my first commitment is to maintaining this thread! Have a lovely day Arp xx
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Old 07-29-2018, 02:44 AM
  # 99 (permalink)  
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We love this thread almost as much as we love you!♡
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Old 07-29-2018, 02:51 AM
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Originally Posted by chloerose63 View Post
we love this thread almost as much as we love you!♡
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