PaigeMasters

Way to go, Gabe!!! I’m new at this too. We are here to support you and cheer you on. Congrats on a great start. Hope you start sleeping better. It seems to be a huge battle for a lot of us.

Rar

Day 3 Gabe! You got this! Day 3 has been a tough day for me too, but better than Day 2. Hang in there. You're doing great.

Gabe1980

Checking in today.......feeling really rough still. I thought I would be a lot better today but not the case. Mind you, I did drink a lot in two days and have a bit of a cheek to think I would get off lightly.

I've bought a book for my recovery work. It has separate sections and I want to use them in the following way:

1) To copy my letter into it and to write a description of everything I have been feeling the last few days and what I remember from by last awful bout of drinking.
2) AV activity and what I notice and become aware of day to day.
3) Counter-statements to all the BS and lies that start to sneak it. Such as....'It's not that big a deal, you can have a few and then start again tomorrow!' OH it is that big a deal, it really, really is.
4) Stuff I would like to do in my new, real life. Ideas and inspirations, that kind of thing.

Once I get a proper nights sleep, I think that I will get my motivation back and I'm going to tackle this with everything I've got.

I've had amazing support and suggestions from everyone. I really appreciate it. Thank you for posting. Gabe xxx

Obladi

Hi Gabe, I'm glad you're on the sober train again. Living with all of the self-hate stuff around drinking was torture for me.

One thing I really listened to this time around is advice to just relax and take things slowly. I gave myself a deadline of 3 weeks to start feeling better and it turns out that was too soon. I mean, I felt better physically after a few days, but having interest in anything aside from work is taking longer. I'm at 30 days now and finally last week I started coming around. Slowly. Turns out that "Take it Easy" is a good mantra.

I like the idea of the book.

O

Gabe1980

Thanks O. I was thinking about what you said last night and I'm struggling with take it easy. I'm still really freaked out and in a 'offence is the best defence' kind of mode, but I do think you are right. It's slowing things down for me. Mind mind is in overdrive but meditation really helps. I'll get there but I just have to accept that this bit really sucks. Thanks again O xx

Gabe1980

Ok, on day 3 and slowly putting it back together. Still feel rough but managed to sleep and the fear is subsiding a bit. Plagued with horrible thoughts of when I've been drinking, times I disgraced myself and the times I've blacked out and disgraced myself and didn't know. Then I thought 'AV alert', and I've decided just to be positive. What's happend has happened and I'm not a bad person...

So I go....with faith, hope and a little courage 💗

Have a good day everyone xx

decchemist

Well done, Gabe!

The serenity prayer has the answer in my opinion.

Gabe1980

Hey Dec, I think you are right! I'm trying very hard to make peace with this stuff cause there is nothing I can do about it now and driving myself crazy is a pointless waste of energy. I think 'serenity' will be my matra of the day.

Obladi

At one time, I wore a watch I'd set to beep every hour on the hour. And when it did, I would say (think) the serenity prayer. It helped.

I think you're right to try to put the past aside for now. It will always be there if you need to revisit for good rather than harm to yourself. For now, just focus on staying sober and letting your mind and body heal.

O

Purplrks3647

Hi Gabe! Great idea creating your own thread....I can relate....still in the early days....AV likes to say "try again next week, every once in a while is okay" and it loves the whole "progress not perfection" thing.

I agree with Bimini, the Weekender Thread is great:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-2018-a.html (Weekender Thread 12 - 16th July 2018)

Also you can join us on the Soberbus if you like.....same idea as the 24 hour thread where we check in daily but we go on silly adventures:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-pt-19-a.html (Please stay on the Sober bus - pt.19)

You're doin' great!

Gabe1980

Hey, thanks Purpl. I'm thinking of the weekend thread for sure. I'm ususally alright until I come off on a Saturday, so I need strategies to keep everything in line. The idea of every drinking again definitely sounds like insanity but it will come.......last time was so awful, I thought that is me safe now and god was I WRONG!

I'm game for it now though. Eternal vigilance and the right things is place. Will keep you posted......

Gabe1980

Sooo......Feeling a wee bit better today!

I'm so glad I starting writing to myself when I felt terrible because it is already starting to fade in my memory. Not in a general way....I know it was bloody horrendous....but it all the small and really specific ways that make it more frightening. I'm going to keep writing, I think it will really help me keep clarity and focus.

The main thoughts for today are...

So many things don't matter-
What friends and family think, what social stuff is happening this year, holidays and weddings etc.
What I feel like, when I feel it.
Whether this is 'fair' or not, whether this is 'normal', what is 'normal', what it Scottish!!!

All these things just don't matter. What matter's is that I don't drink, will never drink again and I wont change my mind.

All that matters is alcohol might kill me every time I drink.

Hope you all have a lovely day folks xxx

Gabe1980

Made it through to the weekend. I'm relieved to be almost through my first week!!

My parents are staying for a few days and we all went out to lunch. Everyone was drinking wine. I was alright and just had sparkling water but I still wanted some. That romantic image of a nice glad of red, with pasta, conversation and a lazy afternoon. All utter rubbish of course. If I had one and that was it the afternoon would have been torture all afternoon trying to supress the cravings, until I could get away with having more. Then disaster!

I'm still shocked that this soon after the horrendous week I've had, I could still be tempted. I suppose that's the nature of addiction. It overides any sense, any memory, any learning and any pain and you just want MORE.

I need to remember that if it comes into my mind I have not lost. If I don't pick up I win. Every single time!! Love Gabexx

Hevyn

I'm glad you made it through unscathed, Gabe. Each time we make it over one of these hurdles we grow stronger.

You're right - the romantic image of a nice, civilized glass of wine doesn't live up to expectations. We imagine a warm, relaxed feeling & being in control. A bottle of wine later, all our good intentions are out the window. Later, we're filled with remorse. I found that the temptation lessened greatly after a few months.

Gabe1980

Thanks Hevyn, I feel like the reality of this thing is finally kicking in after all these months of trying to stay sober. I'm such a black and white thinker. Sober = good = happy, and if I'm not happy all the time then there is something really wrong. Sober = life= happy, sad, scared etc. I'm getting ok with that. With not having to make it perfect. It's always good to hear that the temptation lessens over time. I'm just praying for the day where I'm at peace with this. Gabe xx

Gabe1980

Hey everyone! I'm alright today. Having a bit of a difficulty controlling my mood, alway fun when you have visitors.....I feel like there is a spoiled and resentful little brat inside of me that in chiming in every now and again. My AV most likely, and it makes me irritable and a bit sullen.
I'm trying to combat it by being helpful and making sure my parents have a good time here. It's an odd feeling.....to go between two states of mind like this......like my mind is trying to sort itself out.

Anyway, I'm getting there, and that's the main thing. I do feel like all the fantasies or illusions about recovery I have harboured over the last year are falling away and this feels real. Difficult and more scary than before but real. Like I've hit the ground with a thump. I don't have that 'I'm sober now, lets move on feeling'. I think this is a really good thing. I think that I have my expectations in the right place.

Happy Sunday everyone. Love Gabe xxx

biminiblue

Expectations. Yeah, I have no luck whatsoever in trying to predict the future.

This moment right now is pretty great, though.

Well done in sorting through this, Gabe. It's all pretty jumbled in early days, but I found peace finally after a few months and it's worth it.

Gabe1980

Hey Bimini. Yeah, I have an issue with expectations! Not so much with other people (I think!) but definitely with myself and definitely associated with what I should be in recovery. I huge insight into why I became an alcoholic in the first place I think....................xx

Obladi

I used to look for the "why" a lot. And I found it in many places, but never something I could say "Oh, THAT'S it." Too many Its. So now I'm from the "I was born an alcoholic" camp. Not that this meant I was destined, but I was highly susceptible to addiction. It's in my makeup, in my history, in my genetics. Thinking about it this way now takes away the angst. It's just part of my story and that is how it is.

Gabe, I think minimizing expectations at this point is a healthy thing to do. If all you do today is not drink (and treat your guests cordially), then the day is a success. No need to be scared - you've already proven yourself to be incredibly strong living the addictive life. You have that strength whilst sober as well - moreso.

O

Gabe1980

Hey O. Yeah, what you say makes a lot of sense. I've gone round and round with the 'whys' and found it just paves the way for the barganing that leads me right back to trying 'moderation' again. It's hard to accept that it is what it is but I have to. I can't drink and there needs to be a full stop after that statement.

I'm doing ok with the entertaining guests....I just cook means then excuse myself for a nap!! Service then rest. It's a winner 💗

Edit: I DON'T drink, full stop.