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Old 07-29-2018, 03:11 AM
  # 101 (permalink)  
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gabe, on the boring thing-it reads like letting others' determine if you are or not. being around a bunch of drinkers i think id be lookin at THEM and sayin,
"dam theyre boring! just sit around,get drunk,do and say stupid crap?????"


something quite common with alcoholics- we want it and we want it now,dammit!
i wanted to feel good. i wanted to love myself. i wanted peace and serenity. i wanted to enjoy life and all that NOW!
unfortunately, it took many years to get to the doors of AA. many years of living with a melon full of crap(and adding more as the years progressed), years of alcohol for everything, and years of bad solutions.
it was going to take T.I.M.E. to get everything i wanted,but i was promised that as long as i worked for it i WOULD get it all. i would have ALL of the promises of the program of AA materialize.
and they all have at some point-quite often without me realizing it.
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Old 07-29-2018, 03:56 AM
  # 102 (permalink)  
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Rachel my lovely friend
It feels good to say your name huh? I know I like that I am me here now....I like that I have nothing to hide.

Anyway.....I read your post.....I din't know if this is OK to say but here goes.

I would not cope with my partner being a heavy drinker. I think that there would need to be more support for me....if people are unable to stop even for a while to be a support, then is there not a problem there? And how easily those with drinking problems will make sober people feel silly....this: "what? You're not going to have a drink with us?" .....err no.

What if you were on medication. Nick is....blood pressure meds that would interact very badly with alcohol....lots of meds interact badly with alcohol....

My mantra was: I am not drinking right now.

I said this over and over to people in the beginning.
I was like you....I DID NOT WANT to stop.....I just didn't want to die.
And saying it like that empowered me....people said oh, sure.
And I didn't have the huge panic of feeling so 'other' so 'different'.

I think your plan to go to more meetings is a very good idea.....draw all of the loving support around yourself that you can. And I hope I didn't overstep too much. ♥♥♥
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Old 07-29-2018, 03:58 AM
  # 103 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
gabe, on the boring thing-it reads like letting others' determine if you are or not. being around a bunch of drinkers i think id be lookin at THEM and sayin,
"dam theyre boring! just sit around,get drunk,do and say stupid crap?????"


something quite common with alcoholics- we want it and we want it now,dammit!
i wanted to feel good. i wanted to love myself. i wanted peace and serenity. i wanted to enjoy life and all that NOW!
unfortunately, it took many years to get to the doors of AA. many years of living with a melon full of crap(and adding more as the years progressed), years of alcohol for everything, and years of bad solutions.
it was going to take T.I.M.E. to get everything i wanted,but i was promised that as long as i worked for it i WOULD get it all. i would have ALL of the promises of the program of AA materialize.
and they all have at some point-quite often without me realizing it.
Yeah - they are boring. I suppose it's choosing to be different from everyone and being proud of that choice. I know I've not made an effort to meet new sober people and I think I need to do that. I need to create a better life sober, instead of just being sober.

I certainly have little patience and my first instinct is to pack things in and move on when I feel that things aren't going perfectly. I don't handle making mistakes and having to view myself as fallible but still worth something. That is incredibly ironic, considering I will still go around drunk and be the worst version of myself........

I've been avoiding AA because I'm scared and because I'm worried that people in this very small community might find out. But that is ego. The most grown up and respectable thing I could do....for both myself and everyone else in my life....is to go and try. If that isn't right then find something that is right. That's it. My life. My choice.

TS - you always make me think about things I need to be thinking about. I really appreciate it. xx
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Old 07-29-2018, 04:00 AM
  # 104 (permalink)  
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Isn't it funny love.....they probably already found out that you cracked your head open.....but we are worried people will find out we are in AA?
I think they will say: that Rachel, she was in a bit of a bother, but look at her getting on...what an inspiration she is!
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Old 07-29-2018, 04:17 AM
  # 105 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
Rachel my lovely friend
It feels good to say your name huh? I know I like that I am me here now....I like that I have nothing to hide.

Anyway.....I read your post.....I din't know if this is OK to say but here goes.

I would not cope with my partner being a heavy drinker. I think that there would need to be more support for me....if people are unable to stop even for a while to be a support, then is there not a problem there? And how easily those with drinking problems will make sober people feel silly....this: "what? You're not going to have a drink with us?" .....err no.

What if you were on medication. Nick is....blood pressure meds that would interact very badly with alcohol....lots of meds interact badly with alcohol....

My mantra was: I am not drinking right now.

I said this over and over to people in the beginning.
I was like you....I DID NOT WANT to stop.....I just didn't want to die.
And saying it like that empowered me....people said oh, sure.
And I didn't have the huge panic of feeling so 'other' so 'different'.

I think your plan to go to more meetings is a very good idea.....draw all of the loving support around yourself that you can. And I hope I didn't overstep too much. ♥♥♥
Hi Suze I know you always check in and it's always really helpful. You haven't over stepped at all. What you said makes total sense - I'm looking for validation for being sober from a bunch of people who are dangerous binge drinkers themselves. I don't think my husband is in a postion to support me. And I need to stop looking to him to motivate me beause he just normalises it and tells me to go ahead......or he get pissed at me because he thinks I'm judging him for drinking when I'm sober. It's difficult to talk about it at home and feel positve because it just highlights his drinking

I think it's just something I can't get from him - and I don't blame him. That's when I need other people to be there. It's all a bit overwhelming to think about but one piece at a time. Rach xxx

Just another thought - my AV loves any supporting evidence to minimise this problem. If I am the only one saying it's serious and everyone else trying to minimise it, my AV just LOVES that. I need more people on my side. xxx
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Old 07-29-2018, 04:25 AM
  # 106 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
Isn't it funny love.....they probably already found out that you cracked your head open.....but we are worried people will find out we are in AA?
I think they will say: that Rachel, she was in a bit of a bother, but look at her getting on...what an inspiration she is!
it's utterly ridiculous! I'm laughing out loud at how ridiculous it is. It's alright to be lying in a ditch or bleeding from the head but AA would compromise my professional reputation???

Oh Suze........how do things get so screwed up?? I am the first one that would say to others that if people judge them for reaching out for help, then their opinion means nothing......reaching out is the kindest thing you can do to support yourself. Em.....practice what I preach maybe??? I love you Suze. Thank you.
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Old 07-29-2018, 06:53 AM
  # 107 (permalink)  
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on this:
I've been avoiding AA because I'm scared and because I'm worried that people in this very small community might find out. But that is ego. The most grown up and respectable thing I could do....for both myself and everyone else in my life....is to go and try. If that isn't right then find something that is right. That's it. My life. My choice

i got sober in podunk,USA( northern michigan). i also fell off of barstools in podunk,USA. i had that fear of running into people i may know in AA, but then i had someone help me with that:
i had no problem fallin off of barstool and gettin knee walkin drunk in podunk,USA so why should i be fearful of running into people i knew at a place to get help? why should i be afraid of people that prolly already knew i had a problem finding out im getting help when i didnt have a problem with them seeing me fall off of barstools and be knee walkin drunk?
just took me some courage to walk in. the ONLY person i knew at my first meeting was someone i remembered from a court ordered stint in AA. he was chairing the meeting. when i walked in, he looked at me, smiled, and said,"hey!! glad ya made it back! welcome!"
over the years in podunk,USA and hitting meetings in other podunk,USA towns, i ran into people i used to drink with and what a blessing!! over the years ive seen people i used to drink with walk into AA and what a blessing!

ya know, we go to doctors,mechanics, carpenters,etc to have them help us fix stuff. help with stopping drinking?? nnnNNNNNNOOOOoooooo!!


All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there." I
don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly
indicates clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the
mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the
definitions of "courage" is "the willingness to do the right thing in
spite of fear." Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most assuredly had
fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize
that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life.
As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.
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Old 07-29-2018, 07:14 AM
  # 108 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
on this:
I've been avoiding AA because I'm scared and because I'm worried that people in this very small community might find out. But that is ego. The most grown up and respectable thing I could do....for both myself and everyone else in my life....is to go and try. If that isn't right then find something that is right. That's it. My life. My choice

i got sober in podunk,USA( northern michigan). i also fell off of barstools in podunk,USA. i had that fear of running into people i may know in AA, but then i had someone help me with that:
i had no problem fallin off of barstool and gettin knee walkin drunk in podunk,USA so why should i be fearful of running into people i knew at a place to get help? why should i be afraid of people that prolly already knew i had a problem finding out im getting help when i didnt have a problem with them seeing me fall off of barstools and be knee walkin drunk?
just took me some courage to walk in. the ONLY person i knew at my first meeting was someone i remembered from a court ordered stint in AA. he was chairing the meeting. when i walked in, he looked at me, smiled, and said,"hey!! glad ya made it back! welcome!"
over the years in podunk,USA and hitting meetings in other podunk,USA towns, i ran into people i used to drink with and what a blessing!! over the years ive seen people i used to drink with walk into AA and what a blessing!

ya know, we go to doctors,mechanics, carpenters,etc to have them help us fix stuff. help with stopping drinking?? nnnNNNNNNOOOOoooooo!!


All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there." I
don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly
indicates clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the
mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the
definitions of "courage" is "the willingness to do the right thing in
spite of fear." Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most assuredly had
fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize
that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life.
As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.
That's really emotional, and has made me shed a couple of tears. Sorry for being such a girl! I think I fear being a failure most of all. And I know where there wasn't much love in my life at all I was terrifed all the time.

I just going to do my best to embrace this with a positve attitude and an open mind. It might just be exactly what I need just now.....and the thought of that fills me with hope and a little bit of excitement. I'm scared half to death though. Time for a little more courage
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Old 07-29-2018, 07:15 AM
  # 109 (permalink)  
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I'm also really happy it was such a life changing and healing experience in your life Tomsteve and that you take the time to share it. x
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Old 07-29-2018, 07:44 AM
  # 110 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the great post, tomsteve!
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Old 07-29-2018, 07:50 AM
  # 111 (permalink)  
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and the thought of that fills me with hope
that bolded word= massively awesome!! NEVER let go of hope.
H.O.P.E.=
Hold On Pain Ends.
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Old 07-29-2018, 07:54 AM
  # 112 (permalink)  
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I adore you tomsteve.....all of these years reading your incredible posts....your wisdom reaching out to me when I was in a mess years ago.....just so grateful you are here.
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Old 07-29-2018, 08:09 AM
  # 113 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
I adore you tomsteve.....all of these years reading your incredible posts....your wisdom reaching out to me when I was in a mess years ago.....just so grateful you are here.
This
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Old 07-29-2018, 08:49 AM
  # 114 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
I adore you tomsteve.....all of these years reading your incredible posts....your wisdom reaching out to me when I was in a mess years ago.....just so grateful you are here.
HUH!! someone that doesnt want to bop me over the head because i just say it like it is??? AMAZING!! LOLOLOLOL

im greatful youre here and sober today.
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Old 07-29-2018, 02:37 PM
  # 115 (permalink)  
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This is a wonderful, helpful, valuable thread Rachel. Anything but boring.
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Old 07-29-2018, 07:12 PM
  # 116 (permalink)  
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Hi. I’ve been reading through your posts and it sounds like you have so much going on right now. I feel for you and I am cheering you on to get through this! I was in a really dark place a few years ago and sadly I didn’t care anymore about life. Many times I drank alone and I binge drank, sometimes daily, until I passed out because I really didn’t care if I lived another day. And there were a couple of times I know I could have died. Somehow I managed to keep functioning but it was just a matter of time before something terrible happened. I had some major stress in my life that led to my drinking problem, but after I stopped I realized how much worse alcohol made everything. I didn’t see it then but I do now. I am going through a hard time again, and I did come close to relapsing but I feel so much stronger that I am getting through this, controlling what I can control and being as responsible as I can. There will always be life stress. But it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you deal with it, and everything passes. If you think you can’t do this, change your thinking, because you can. This is a process, so be patient with yourself.
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Old 07-30-2018, 11:45 AM
  # 117 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
This is a wonderful, helpful, valuable thread Rachel. Anything but boring.
Thank you Hev. I really appreciate your post. It's hard to keep my confidence up sometimes
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Old 07-30-2018, 12:01 PM
  # 118 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Fearlessat50 View Post
Hi. I’ve been reading through your posts and it sounds like you have so much going on right now. I feel for you and I am cheering you on to get through this! I was in a really dark place a few years ago and sadly I didn’t care anymore about life. Many times I drank alone and I binge drank, sometimes daily, until I passed out because I really didn’t care if I lived another day. And there were a couple of times I know I could have died. Somehow I managed to keep functioning but it was just a matter of time before something terrible happened. I had some major stress in my life that led to my drinking problem, but after I stopped I realized how much worse alcohol made everything. I didn’t see it then but I do now. I am going through a hard time again, and I did come close to relapsing but I feel so much stronger that I am getting through this, controlling what I can control and being as responsible as I can. There will always be life stress. But it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you deal with it, and everything passes. If you think you can’t do this, change your thinking, because you can. This is a process, so be patient with yourself.
Thanks Fearless, I certainly am in a similar position in that it's only a matter of time before something happens that I can't undo, and it will ruin my life. Possibly my husbands to. I cope far better without alcohol. Actually, alcohol is the main factor in my not coping at all. I disintegrate into an anxious, frightened mess. I can't cope with the responsibilities of my life and it makes me feel emotionally awful. I am slowly learning how to life sober and I'm getting used to being sober but I need, need, need to not drink again........patience is something I have to work on, I don't find giving myself time easy at all

I am really glad that things have started to get better for you and congratulations in your recovery xx
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Old 07-30-2018, 12:08 PM
  # 119 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
i had no problem fallin off of barstool and gettin knee walkin drunk in podunk,USA
"knee walkin drunk"..Jesus!

Glad you're feeling/doing better,Gabe. I was embarrassed going to AA the first day,but 'luckily' I didn't have a choice as it was court ordered. I could have signed my own slips,but I really wanted/needed the help that I had been putting off for so long. I look at it now as no different than someone going to church for spiritual enlightenment,to use for a better way to go about their lives. There's no shame in bettering one's self and if someone thinks/acts differently? They have their own issues.
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Old 07-30-2018, 12:17 PM
  # 120 (permalink)  
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It's been a really rough day. What I now believe are the symptoms of kindling started last night and I barely slept at all, crawly skin and heart palpitations. I drank on Friday, was hungover on Saturday but slept and this this started last night. I absolutely horrified to say that this is the third time in my last three relapses that I've had this, not as intense this time but frightening, and if I'm not mistaken I swore after the first time I would never drink again

I spent quite a while today reading about kindling. I've been completely fooling myself that it couldn't be me as I don't drink everyday but I've been a heavy drinker/binge drinker for 20 years. Why could it not be me? I think this is maybe where my process of acceptance starts - accepting I'm just the same as everyone here and NOT the same as drinkers who are NOT like us.

I also have to fly south, to my family home tomorrow, for a couple of days. My aunt has a brain tumor that is inoperable and she only has a couple of month to live, so we are all meeting at my parents house to basically say goodbye to her. She lives far away from us and it might be my last chance.......

What I feel really terrible about (and horribly selfish for saying) is that I'm not ready yet to see my family. i'm still trying to recover from their visit here and I'm not sure how well I'm going to cope with all of this. I wanted to start at AA tomorrow but I think I'll be back in time for the meeting on Thursday. It's all just a bit overwhelming. I'm really hoping a good nights sleep will help (fingers crossed), a lot of meditation and a grateful/positive attitude. It's the lease my aunt deserves. I love her and I want to make her happy.

Whew.....thank you for letting me share all of that. I'm a grown up! Keep myself steady, manage the stress and remember that I do love my family. Rachel xxxx
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