Gabe1980

Agreed - my embarrassment has started to fall from me like a dead skin. Reading about kindling today has made me realise that I should be extremely grateful that there are groups here I can attend and people who are gracious enough to help me. I'm trying not to panic about how screwed up my thinking gets........but then that's what I need the help with! It's all getting very, very real.......

Gabe1980

And one more thing......imagine realising my own utter arrogance and stupidity in going through kindling/withdrawal that first time and thinking 'oh well, that was awful and I've said to myself I'm not doing that again'...and then thinking that was enough!! That was all I had to do! I can here the sound of pennies dropping everywhere.....I can't trust my own thinking, when it tells me to drink and when it tells me 'don't worry, you won't do it again, relax it's over'

venuscat

Rachel my love ~ I am going to be straight with you.

Nothing is as important as getting sober right now and finding a sober balance where you can live your life and feel good about it....which you will with some time up, I promise....I am so sorry that you have to deal with relatives who are so ill.....but please.....put yourself first.

If you were having surgery right now, you would not be able to go. That would be fine....why is it not ok to seriously look after ourselves? Put ourselves FIRST.

I am going through something right now....I need to stay home and look after my health.....say yes to you.....give yourself some love girl. If you need to go I understand, but go with love and support, go with AA meetings mapped out....go with help every step.

I know this is hard to see, but so much of this is the pull of the goddamn alcohol....it takes 5 days for it to be out of your system after you drink like that....for us it does for sure.....for me it does....that is the hardest time......that is the crazy cravings. Once you get passed this, and on a bit you will leave behind the I want to drink feelings. Really.

I don't want to drink. I really don't.
It took a while....but it really happens and it is very freeing.

Until then, please treat yourself like you would treat your husband if he wasn't well....with love and compassion and care.

OK.....rant over.

♥♥♥♥♥

soberista

Although this is little help to you right now i felt my thinking started to change, become more logical, more mature at about the 6 week sober point. I remember it clearly. I have issues with my mother, so much so that since my father died 4 years ago i have had no contact with her. I made that decision whilst in counselling but also drinking.... only since i have become sober has it all settled in my brain and become clear (the guilt, trauma etc feelings i used to get when drinking or nursing yet another hangover) well it felt emotionally like a rollercoaster which if im honest led me to continue to drink because i couldnt cope with my feelings (which i know now where mostly due to the ******* drinking!!) so what am i saying?! If you want to get to a point of more clarity you need to let your brain chemistry start to rebalance and thats the reward (one of many) that comes from remaining sober for a constant period of time. When you get to that point (whenever that is for your brain) it starts to get easier. The positives start to tip the scales the other way. Hold on in there Gabe. Xx

Gabe1980

You do rant in the sweetest possible way Suze......I hear what you are saying. I do need to go. She is going to die in the next month or two and it would break my heart not to see her before she does. I will be ok. It's only two days but I understand why you are saying what you are. I maybe should make a different choice but I can't. I have some tough choices to make when I get back, about lots of things. I'm hoping the travel time will let me put some thought in to that.

It's the this part I'm finding harder.....prioritising myself over work. I need to work less because that it my main problem and I need to figure out how to do that. I am putting together what I think a proper plan should be and I'm going to post it. I'd really like to know what you think. 3 meetings a week and I'm going to start with a sponsor as soon as I can but there are so many things to consider.

I have one full day with my parents and there is a meeting in the next town over (5 miles). I'll see how I get on.

I'm glad you are looking after yourself Suze and thanks for looking after me too

Edit: I just reread my original post tonight Suze and I do understand what you are saying

It's going to be a real challenge for me to put what's in my head into practice in my life. I don't think I have ever done that before - looked after myself properly to the exclusion of what other people want from me. I really need to think about this.

Gabe1980

Thank you - that really does help. My drinking pattern has changed in the last year - several sober weeks at a time but then a few days of terrible binging. I can feel it start to cloud over any clarity I have almost instantly and I was fooling myself that the binges weren't that bad because I had weeks of sober time in between. I have had some wonderful moments of clarity about things that I've struggled with for a long time. It's really encouraging me to keep trying because I want to understand myself and may peace with my past. I really glad that you have been able to move on and figure things out. I'm not going to give up. I'm sure I can do it. I just need more help

venuscat

Really sorry if I said stuff that was confusing or anything that didn't serve you....I want to support you in whatever will work for you. ♥♥

Gabe1980

Everything you said was perfect

Dee74

Hi Gabe, if you're going to pay your last respects to your Aunt, then you should do exactly that.

Drinking would not be respectful to her in her last days, and not respectful to you and your well-being.

Be there for her, and for your family.

You will very likely feel sad - that's not a bad thing & nothing to fear - it's a natural thing.

Others in your family may drink - thats their call - but you're different to them.

Remember its the first drink that starts the madness.

D

Gabe1980

Thanks Dee. I've made it here and I'm really glad I came. The minute I saw her I was just so grateful to have the chance to spend some time with her.

I slept and I feel better. More positive and more certain that I need to work through a process to recover properly. I'm finally getting my head around approaching my life from the perspective of sobriety. I'm never really thought that way before. I think it's an important step in taking responsibility. I'm needing to be brave! Looking forward to AA this week. I'm relieved that I finally am getting real about this.

Thanks everyone. I'm on my phone so limited options on this. I really appreciate the support. Rach xx

I think I've said similar things before - the proof will be in my posts here talking about the ACTIONS I'm taking. I looking forward to experiencing that and getting to share. Proof is in the pudding, as they say!

Dee74

I believe you can do this Gabe

D

Dropsie

Yes you can.

Gabe1980

It's been a lovely day today. Emotional and special. Watching someone I love, deteriorating like this is making me reflect on everything and what is really important. I want to honour and respect my life. I also want to be present for my family. Emotionally present. I'm so glad at 37 I have reached this point. I have the opportunity to value whats important, instead of sleeping through my life.

Thank you everyone for helping realise that I need more help. Xxx

Gabe1980

At the airport now, on my way home. Made it. Sober. Trying not to think too much today. Too tired. Going to get a good nights sleep and begin the work tomorrow. Rach xx

venuscat

SO proud of you....I am sure that was a tough few days. ♥♥♥♥♥

Gabe1980

Thank you! I a bit broken today but will be back posting tomorrow.

tomsteve

'sup with that??

Gabe1980

Just really tired. Went straight back to work after flying home. Was gonna write a proper update after AA tomorrow. Meeting at 6!

Edit: actually, I'm posting now so I'm talking rubbish....

Gabe1980

I just realised how much I like this feeling...when drinking just seems like the most ridiculous thing to do. I feel safe from it just now. I'm just reflecting on how scary it feels when I don't feel safe from it anymore. I suppose it like arming for a war.

venuscat

Our defenses get stronger so when those times come that you need to be armed and ready.....you will be. You don't need to worry....just keep doing what you are doing. ♥♥