Dee74

Welcome back rainypnw

Hang in there nands

Kenton and Steely sounds like you guys are doing ok all things considered - neither of you are a Nobby No Mates

D

Steely

Ha ha Dee, and you too kenton your post was so funny.

Was just about to ask Nobby No Mates kenton if she needed a mate, because I'm in the same boat. Just when I think I have a handle on it, it slips away. But unlike kenton I was too gutless. I would have eventually but felt like a nob

Telling myself it's not a linear process and we'll have our ups and downs. At least now I know what I am looking for and that's progress for this black duck.

Your image of you as a robot kenton had me vision you as a Dalek roboting around booming, "Exterminate, Exterminate", to those miserable women.

Maybe the N in RAIN stands for Nuke

What planet are these so called "friends" of yours from kenton? Planet Nasty? Firmly believe their non-inclusiveness is based solely on their inability look upon the activated Buddah

There's truth in my summation I reckon, and their tomorrow will not be ours kenton, and they will reflect upon it as our tomorrow's grow brighter.

But you rose above the rabble and are triumphing over that other robot, John Barleycorn. At least a Dalek lets you know it's a nasty piece of work while John Barley exterminates with a sleazy smile. You rocked it kenton.

Really happy to see your post rainy. I relapsed in late April but have chosen May Day as my sober date because I like the symbolism that represents May Day. I chose to remain in November Class too because 'knew' everyone, and felt safe.

Always good to see a Nobender as have become so fond of you all, you have helped me so much.

I am scared I'll lose this post so will send now before I turn into a Dalek.

Love you guys.

Steely

And thanks Dee.

Ananda

Steely,

I love your Macklemore coat! it is cool and you are cool too as Kenton said! I'm impressed you threw away clothes! I am a hoarder of 2 things .... clothes...and food. I don't have a lot of food horded now because I lost my job and ate most of it up. But clothes are a real problem. I have ranged from 145 to 190 in the last year, and actually was 134 not so long ago....

I have clothes ranging from Size 10 to size 22 or XXL or 3X I won't throw any away because I typically run through those sizes in a 7 or 8 year period. And now I have no money to buy new clothes if I loose weight. Lost a lot of clothes that would fit now in the flood of 2014, so am mostly in hand-me-downs. So ... yes .... I have 3 very large closets (I mean very...just short of walk in) and 5 large chest of drawers full of clothes!!!!

I'm glad you are so ready to move. It's tough to get that taken care of. I think it awesome to not know where you are going. I try to remember that I never know where I am going or will be tomarrow, not just house wise, but life wise and goal wise. As my son told me the other day.... the future isn't fact. I am learning to live with the uncertainty and sometimes to even relish the adventure!

You said lots of other cool stuff...but don't wanna loose this post!

Ananda

Random thoughts...

Yesterday was the 11th anniversary of what I call my "daddy dead day"(yes my quirky humor ... some day I'll tell you the crazy funeral day joke we just lost it over LOL). Today would have been my 38th anniversary if I had stayed married instead of only staying married for a year ... just long enough that my family could pretend that my child wasn't conceived out of wedlock.

The first 5 years after dad died was pretty hard. And harder because everyone thought I should hate him and not grieve. But despite everything ... I do still love him (didn't for a while..).

I won't tell the long story right now, but when my dad died I had gone to the hospital the afternoon before because everyone said he was gonna be ok for a while (after being almost dead the week before). I was at the hospital because I promised my self that if I was too drunk to go to work I would go to the hospital for help. While I was in the ER the family called to let me know he wouldn't make it through the night. The next day the hospital released me because I was so sure I had to get home. The Dr. said that he would release me because he didn't believe that this was a time that I was going to get sober. I appreciate that he was honest.

I'm ok with all of this today (at least I think I am most of the time). I'm sad things went the way they did and sometimes it hurts or causes shame, but it doesn't drive me like it did for so many years after his death.

Now don't everyone go and get down cause I have tons of notes on the previous posts I missed and want to post more about that either late late tonight or tomarrow early iin the morning.

We have been pretty glued to the tele yesterday and today with all that is going on in our little part of the world. It truly is a rollercoaster ride around here, but so far I am able to set it aside and enjoy my life the large part of each day

(that is Steely in her fur coat being cool)

Steely

No, throw nothing out .

That's exactly what I'm trying to tackle now all this 'stuff' that I hang onto like shite to a blanket and which I am trying to organise. Papers, filing all that jazz.

Just keep books that I have sentimental attachment and old books maybe of value. Books are hard to toss.

Some clothes are a waste of space and time. Also hard to toss, but I will and I am.

I used to be a printer, bookbinder, table hand, and books and their production really interests me. Gilt and marble edgings and impressions but where women were kept from these more interesting tasks to the more mundane work.

My old books need rebinding. They would look great. Would have to get a professional bookbinder because I don't have those skills. Wonder why?

It was rare for a woman to be a printer back then and very "closed shop" blokes union whose roots come from the church because of the bible being printed.

The union hierarchy addressed themselves as "brother". It was a good union but very male dominated.

Don't know how I finished up here but as I'm only replying to your first post nands can only say it is difficult to relinquish 'things' but also very liberating.

Again, afraid of losing post so will close with love to all.

kenton

Happy Friday everyone!

Just got busted sitting outside work in my car with my eyes closed listening to a 10 minute meditation. Mindfulness teacher said I should do at least 10 minutes each day and I can't do it at home in the morning because children + dog + mindfulness drives me out-of-my-mind-fulness. Anyway, I was just getting into the mindfulness zone when a couple of my colleagues banged on the car window and asked me whether I was asleep. I started telling them about RAIN and finding that quiet place and they left me to it. When I got into work, one of them made me a cup of tea and said, "don't ever change Kenton." Made me feel so happy. Maybe it's good to be different. Be so boring if we were all the same. The world needs sober Daleks and I'm happy to be one of them. And Steely, from now on, whenever I get to the N in RAIN, I will forever think "nuke"!! So funny xxx

Ananda, thank you for sharing about the day your dad died. That must have been such an awful time. It's so good that you are able to be ok about it now. I'm sending you a massive hug.

Good luck with the continued decluttering Steely. You will get there!! When are you moving? I'm thinking of you.

Hope everyone is ok. Kev, how is your dad? Rainy, hope you have a good day xxx

I'm off to google "hung Parliament" as apparently we have one of those now. Don't worry Dee, I'm not going to be political. I don't know enough about politics to be political. Not sure some of the politicians know enough about politics to be political. I'm thinking of everyone and sending everyone lots of love xxxxx

Dee74

Hugs for everyone

We had a pretty good hung parliament here a few years back Kenton and got a lot of things done through there having to be cooperation & consensus - hopefully you guys can do the same.

D

Steely

Ananda I just read your post where you speak of your Dad and need to think before I respond.

I have somewhat similar with my father. I was really close to him even though he was an *alcoholic*. Complex dysfunction, my family.

Back after I have had a ciggie and a cuppa. Get this, I buy the cheapest cigarettes available and there's a new cheap brand called, wait for it...RED CHESTER!.

Steely

Ananda I just read your post where you speak of your Dad and need to think before I respond.

I have somewhat similar with my father. I was really close to him even though he was an *alcoholic*. Complex dysfunction, my family.

Back after I have had a ciggie and a cuppa.

Get this, I buy the cheapest cigarettes available and there's a new cheap brand called, wait for it...RED CHESTER!.

Having trouble sending this post hope it makes it.

Steely

Sorry about that. That's how cool I am. .

Steely

That was beautiful kenton, you meditating in the car and your colleagues telling you to "never change." So great.

That must have made you feel so good because it relates to you as a person, not just a colleague, mother, worker etc. It's authentic and no, never change kenton I think you are beautiful, and your out-of-mindfulness really made me laugh.

Funny though, you really are changing in a most significant way.

Have fun googling "hung Parliament". And reckon your're right about politicians, most suck in my opinion.

I don't see much consensus and co-operation going on between the major parties Dee. All I see is them blueing and sledging each other at every opportunity.

But I said I wouldn't talk about politics.

kevlarsjal

Hello!

First of all, I am very sorry for not posting. I didn't want any of you to worry!

I am still sober and I think I'm doing okay. I went to see my dad again yesterday and he seemed a bit better, clearer in the head, less tubes and he was allowed to eat again. He was mostly complaining about digestion problems and the lack of Chardonnay.

My day yesterday was weird (?) I guess. I slept at my BF's the night before, did some german paperwork for him in the morning (had to write a statement), made some phone calls, then went to see my dad. He lives in another part of the city and going there takes me about 1 hour. It's the part where I used to live with him in my late teenage years. It's also the part where I got raped (that happened across the street from his house) and where I got robbed by 5 men and threatened with a knife against my throat 3 years after the rape. So going to his place or the hospital these days (which is just around the corner from where he lives) can bring back lots of memories and going there alone is sometimes hard. Also the whole area is filled with vague memories of walking around drunk and lost after school, sometimes on pills too, not knowing where to go or what to do with myself.

When I remember how I used to be, I shiver and wish I could take a shower to rinse that past off of me.

So happy to be sober now. Still my brain first suggested that I need a small vodka before leaving the train station, to be prepared to face the area. I didn't act on that thought though and it wasn't a real craving, it made me thirsty for the taste of it but at the same time I found the idea of drinking repulsive.

When my dad talked about wine with his hospital "roomie" and they both agreed that it's perfectly okay to have 2 or more bottles per person if you don't drink that much everynight and that you don't even get a hangover if you buy the "good stuff", part of me thought again that there must be a way how I can do that too then.
But I know I can't. And if someone can drink 2-3 bottles (even if it's just the weekends) without being noticeably drunk, their tolerance must be very high already.
But yes, I tried to drink like my dad, again and again, I never succeeded. So I came to the conclusion that drinking will never work for me the way I want it to. And that vodka I thought about before would've been definitely not how I imagine a normal drinker to drink.
Also later on the train back I thought how weird it is to even want to drink that much wine. No one would ever want to drink that much water or tea or juice! At least no one I know! It's an insane amount of liquid for one person.

I then bought some groceries, went home, had lunch, baked blueberry muffins as a little thank you to my AA friend who gave me a free driving lesson (I have my license but need a fresh up), went to the meeting, bought some honey from another AA member who owns bees, went home, had dinner and was completely done. My week has been so exhausting. I just slept for 10h and I'm still tired. Guess my energy levels are still not like they used to be.

I have to make sure to have some more me time during busy days. As i spend an insane amount of time on public transport this week (4+ hours a day) I started to meditate there. I just put on some relaxing music and sit there with my eyes closed, feeling the slight shakiness of the vehicle and just trying to connect with my HP, feeling inner calm and peace.

Now there's another busy day ahead and i don't know if I will have the time to post tonight or tomorrow but I'll try to just leave a quick "I'm okay" at least.

Sorry again for making you worry. And thanks for asking about my dad! It means a lot to me that you girls care. Much love to all of you, especially to Kenton, Steely and Ananda!

Ananda

Wow! I can't believe how inspiring this thread is! It is wonderful to see how much everyone is growing and walking through life!

This morning the Ajan talked about fear ... and being afraid of anger. How then we let it build up and go off about something small, instead of accepting anger as having a place in our life and having a measured response to all situations.

He also talked about how in western culture there is a tendancy for people to feel they have to prove that they deserve to be here ... have earned it. He said that in Thai culture (and others) people don't tend to feel they need to prove themselves. They figure they belong in this world just as everything else and don't need to justifiy their exsistance.

I'm so glad to hear about everyone's "spiritual" growth (if you don't like that word replace it ) All the posts seem to remind me very much of my own path in Buddhism (which clearly includes mindfulness and staying in the moment and paying attention). It is so cool to see this common thread.

Kenton - I suspect that the co-workers always saw good in you, even when you drank, perhaps when you couldn't. There acceptance of you as you are is awesome and I hope it will continue to support you on your sobriety journey.

Kev - I'm glad your dad is doing a bit better, and yes it is crazy to drink that much weather you are alchoholic or not...just makes no sense. I do have fleeting thoughts of drinking..the most recent memeribal time was on Wednesday when I though "if mom goes home on Thursday I can go get a bottle!". That was one of my patterns when I did have a few days or more of sobriety... mom leaves...get a bottle, leave mom's house...get a bottle.

Steely your last post was soooo insightful. Of course most of your posts are, but that is the last one I read so it is what I am thinking of right now. I suspect that all people come from a (high or low) functioning dysfunctional family sort of means ... not perfect in varying degrees.

ok - I gotta stop and get some coffee. I've watered the plants and meditated and next is budget/bills and phone calls to drs to verify appointments.

In a bit.....

kenton

Hi everyone,

Kev - so pleased your dad is getting better. Incredible that after everything he's gone through, he's missing chardonnay! I hope he continues to recover. It doesn't sound good you having to go back to the place where those awful things happened. I think you're so brave Kev. You've been through so much and you're recovering so well and you're still so young. I want you to carry on doing so well because you can then spend decades being an inspiration to others. Don't ever forget how strong you are Kev xx

Steely, thank you for your lovely words. Reading your posts makes me so happy to be here and share this world with awesome people like you. You always make me laugh and you always say stuff that makes me think. Not many people can carry off the humour/wisdom combo but you got it down, Steely. You should run for president or something. I'd vote for you. Still not being political Dee, just think Steely would be a good world leader.

Ananda, that's amazing what you said about the fear of anger. I know that I always thought anger was bad because I was never allowed to express any emotions as a child, especially not anger. It makes sense that all the suppressed anger builds up and then explodes like a volcano when someone cuts me up on the road. I also like what you said about belonging in this world; not having anything to prove. Actually, I love that. I'm going to have that locked in my mind tomorrow because something is happening tomorrow that I am dreading. One of my brother's kids is having his first holy communion tomorrow and my brother wants me and my family to be there. But my mum and my sisters will be there and I feel sick at the thought of seeing them because they don't like me at all. Even a month ago, I would have made an excuse not to go but now I want to go because I want to see how far I've come. I want them to see I'm sober and strong. And obviously if it's too awful I can leave. So I think I need to channel my inner Buddha and practice RAIN a lot between now and tomorrow afternoon but I'm going to go. I'm going to face my fears and I'm going to face them sober. And if all goes wrong, I can just imagine becoming a Dalek again. That worked yesterday.

Just wanted to say thank you all so much for being there. I never knew there were people like you lot. Hell, if I'd known there were people like you, maybe I wouldn't have started drinking in the first place. But then if I hadn't started drinking, I never would have met you. I feel like I was destined to meet each of you. I'm learning so much from you all. Love, respect and thanks to each of you xxxx

Ananda

Kenton - you bring out the best in us!

Kev - I didn't get to comment earlier (I feel so much like I've been bad and need to play catch up ... but that is just my mind lying to me).

I forget you are the "young one" although we are all older than our years in our experience and younger than our years in our hearts!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6oiBlioFOM

I was forced (or felt forced) to continue to visit the place of my abuse until this day. It is my mom's home. For a while my therapist was coming to my mom's house and we met there so that I wouldn't get lost trying to find his office. But when we began the new therapy on the abuse, we decided that definitely was NOT a safe place for me to work on it. I even have to sleep in the same bedroom as the abuse at Christmas's that I go. I guess that I have gotten to where it doesn't bother me.. perhaps it is desensitization?

I'm still so glad you are turning into little Buddha's (LOL - don't want to offend any Catholics or other religions .... there are other terms I could use .. but I figure you all know what I'm trying to say!

post more later .... had to watch our president talk ... not saying anything more (there are always PMs).

Steely

This thread really is inspirational nands and I thank each and everyone of you, we have so much in common, even outside of the drinking.

It's hard carrying abuse all of your life without being able to say anything. Just keeping it bottled up, and then reach for the bottle which is always half empty.

Though you didn't go into your relationship with your father ananda I picked up on how others expected for you to hate, not forgive or grieve. Pretty much the same for me with Dad being the *alcoholic*.

But he really did teach me so many things. How to fish, how to climb how to swim, how to laugh, read, and introduced me to politics for which I am ever grateful.

I loved him for those things. Poor old Mum was stuck in the kitchen too busy with housekeeping and kids to give much more, and who could blame her? Motherhood is hard, particularly with 7 kids and little money.

I used to drink with my Dad which wasn't a real good thing for a parent to do but even as a child I always saw his alcoholism as having deeper roots, felt for him, so together we drank. And I 'learned' to drink.

I'm slowly being able to seperate and break away from this too seamless relationship with my father and his drinking, and know now that I don't have to replicate his life as my own.

I am seperate from my father now (even though he's dead) and can now be sober in my own little cotton sox. Man, you guys have helped me so much.

Our parents seem pretty high on our agendas but seems we are slowly working it through and finding our inner and activated. Buddha And yes kenton, you really do bring the best out in us.

Tell you what though if I were elected President I'd be assassinated in about ten seconds flat by some extremist with hate on his mind. Thanks for thinking I have some good ideas because I feel so the opposite, with no, or little self esteem or confidence. I think all of that got knocked out of me as a kid. I sometimes think I drank just to prove them correct.

So well done kev on not acting on drinking thoughts when going through that scary part of town. What a massive step and didn't know about you being mugged with a knife at your throat. PTSD manifested. Me too, in other brutal ways. Ananda too.

I've been raped a number of times too nands but seem to have flipped the coin a bit and can see now that drinking raped me again (lousy metaphor) and without sobriety would continue to do so.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose this post 'cause it grown long and don't want to apply "N Theory" kenton . So will close now not having addressed even part of of what you have had to say.

I really do love you guys.

Ananda

Yes Steely...

I figured out that drinking over my past was just letting "him/them" win .... or as a friend in AA once told me ... "it's like drinking poisin and hopeing the other person will die". Did someone already say that well if so, it is worth repeating!

Go Steely Go

It's 11pm in brit-town, so good night to Kenton and Kav!

Steely

And I did chuck out clothes (rags) nands and some really crap jewellery that someone gave me just to offload it for themselves! It was was so aarrgghh! Naturally I took cause I couldn't say no! Even said thanks

Strange how you go through those cycles of weight gain and loss nands.
I had an old friend who does the same. One day she will have really gained weight, the next she would be really thin and she didn't diet or anything. Hard to figure.

When you say kev that you feel like washing yourself after going through that terrible place I know what you mean. I can remember being raped by this d/head who separated me from the crowd of people at the bar (I sorta party crashed ) and led me to his house. I was frozen in fear.

I really didn't know what was going on, lost, but when I eventually got home I showered and cut all of my hair off.

I didn't know at the time but this is typical for victims, (survivors) of rape.
But now we are really clean and it's the d/heads we'll wash down the drain.

Ananda

Yes Steely, it is a relief to know that some of the things we do are typical although indicative of an issue.

I think I told you all I slept in my clothes for 3 days last week. I knew it was because of the therapy and the nightmares. It isn't where I want to be, but I didn't have to make a problem of it. It just was fairly standard for the situation. Since I didn't get freaked out...I had a good week and stopped sleeping in clothes after a few days.

I also don't remember if I told you ... and am already typing this so can't go back to check... that I had called the Dr. last week as I thought I had aphib at night almost everynite and then discovered my monitor tranasfer system wasn't working. It's all up and working fine now. Well ... today the nurse called me to have me "stop by and get an EKG and adjusted my medicine for Aphib to double....

The tech said she thought it looked fine, and I will call on Monday to schedule an appointment. I missed the one (a few weeks or so back) because I forgot despite 3 reminders in about 10 minutes .

I was pretty stressed this morning about all of this... but the amazing thing is that I didn't even remember it happened till I was working on my calander and saw my reminder to call on Monday

If that is what faulty memory cells does to you... I'm really glad I have it. Of course if I were a "good" Buddhist, I would not be thinking about it ... I just noticed how easy it is to not think about things now that I have some memory issues ... can we just say I'm enlightened ...



Talk to you later!