Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 9
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
It's in the middle of the night and I can't sleep.
I have been working the steps lately and I'm still in the process of doing the inventory. I've been thinking a lot about how I was in the past and cause I don't always trust my version of the past (I became so good at lying to myself) I read old Facebook messages and mails...
Oh dear, what a jerk I was! It's so embarrassing! I didn't give much of a **** about how I made the people around me feel, I was so self-centred and self righteous. I destroyed other people's relationships, just because I wanted to get my will or saw my ego threatened. And yes it costed me that friendship but I didn't even care, I just thought it was good that the other person didn't get their will either. I sabotaged and manipulated and lied and cheated. And I completely forgot about it all! Well probably not on a subconscious level.
Now I see things so differently. I have this routine of burning all bridges after me. A long list of friendships that ended and I never ever talked to the people again. Almost all my ex partners. It ended, I blocked them and never talked to them again ever. Cause my ego was too hurt and I felt like they had their chance and now that they have let me down once they don't deserve any of my precious time anymore.
I am thinking about what a cold, calculating person I was. And if that's still part of my character maybe. I'm thinking about my boyfriend. And I'm wondering if he still wanted to be with me had I told him about all of this. He thinks I'm incredibly kind and sweet hearted and have been mistreated in the past. He doesn't know how many people I hurt knowingly and how little I cared about them. He doesn't know about all my lies.
Should I tell him? Not in every detail but just let him know that I'm not as sweet and innocent as he thinks I am?
I have been working the steps lately and I'm still in the process of doing the inventory. I've been thinking a lot about how I was in the past and cause I don't always trust my version of the past (I became so good at lying to myself) I read old Facebook messages and mails...
Oh dear, what a jerk I was! It's so embarrassing! I didn't give much of a **** about how I made the people around me feel, I was so self-centred and self righteous. I destroyed other people's relationships, just because I wanted to get my will or saw my ego threatened. And yes it costed me that friendship but I didn't even care, I just thought it was good that the other person didn't get their will either. I sabotaged and manipulated and lied and cheated. And I completely forgot about it all! Well probably not on a subconscious level.
Now I see things so differently. I have this routine of burning all bridges after me. A long list of friendships that ended and I never ever talked to the people again. Almost all my ex partners. It ended, I blocked them and never talked to them again ever. Cause my ego was too hurt and I felt like they had their chance and now that they have let me down once they don't deserve any of my precious time anymore.
I am thinking about what a cold, calculating person I was. And if that's still part of my character maybe. I'm thinking about my boyfriend. And I'm wondering if he still wanted to be with me had I told him about all of this. He thinks I'm incredibly kind and sweet hearted and have been mistreated in the past. He doesn't know how many people I hurt knowingly and how little I cared about them. He doesn't know about all my lies.
Should I tell him? Not in every detail but just let him know that I'm not as sweet and innocent as he thinks I am?
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Morning/Evening all,
I guess if you think full disclosure would somehow help you and/or your bf, you could talk to him about it Kev. But I don't think it's necessary. Isn't the most important thing, who you are today? How you act today? Sure, that might mean a bit of private reflection on who you used to be but I don't think you're under any obligation to share that with anyone.
What's interesting is that you could be describing exactly how I used to be too. I walked around life building bridges around myself and burning bridges. "Building walls and Burning Bridges" that could have been the name of the story of my life. And I'm lucky because I've never been raped or attacked. But I guess somewhere along the line we shared the kind of life experiences that made us both defensive. Better to protect ourselves and attack others first before they can hurt us.
What's great is that that's no longer part of who we are. If it was, we wouldn't recognise it. We'd still be building walls and burning bridges. We don't have to be defined by the past Kev, we can create whole new versions of ourselves. And those versions will be so strong because of what we've experienced in the past.
Saturday mornings are always crazy in my house so I don't have time to respond to everyone. I've read all the posts and I just want to say how proud I am of how strong and resilient you are. The angry part of me wants to hunt down the people that hurt you all and make them pay for what they did but my inner Buddha is happy to be here for you all now. I feel honoured to hear your stories and witness your recoveries. Individually we're all strong and collectively we can't ever be beaten. Lots of love xxxxx
I guess if you think full disclosure would somehow help you and/or your bf, you could talk to him about it Kev. But I don't think it's necessary. Isn't the most important thing, who you are today? How you act today? Sure, that might mean a bit of private reflection on who you used to be but I don't think you're under any obligation to share that with anyone.
What's interesting is that you could be describing exactly how I used to be too. I walked around life building bridges around myself and burning bridges. "Building walls and Burning Bridges" that could have been the name of the story of my life. And I'm lucky because I've never been raped or attacked. But I guess somewhere along the line we shared the kind of life experiences that made us both defensive. Better to protect ourselves and attack others first before they can hurt us.
What's great is that that's no longer part of who we are. If it was, we wouldn't recognise it. We'd still be building walls and burning bridges. We don't have to be defined by the past Kev, we can create whole new versions of ourselves. And those versions will be so strong because of what we've experienced in the past.
Saturday mornings are always crazy in my house so I don't have time to respond to everyone. I've read all the posts and I just want to say how proud I am of how strong and resilient you are. The angry part of me wants to hunt down the people that hurt you all and make them pay for what they did but my inner Buddha is happy to be here for you all now. I feel honoured to hear your stories and witness your recoveries. Individually we're all strong and collectively we can't ever be beaten. Lots of love xxxxx
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,473
I'm really proud and happy to have all you survivors here 
Kev - I think Kentons right - the past is the past and it's not who any of us are today.
Time changes us - I have a different perspective on all the things I did now than I had in my first year.
I'm more inclined to cut myself a break now for the past because I no longer hold myself to impossible expectations, and I no longer beat myself up viciously with self hatred.
Sometimes it really is OK to let sleeping dogs lie, especially when they're in the past...the past is a foreign country, yeah?
D
Kev - I think Kentons right - the past is the past and it's not who any of us are today.
Time changes us - I have a different perspective on all the things I did now than I had in my first year.
I'm more inclined to cut myself a break now for the past because I no longer hold myself to impossible expectations, and I no longer beat myself up viciously with self hatred.
Sometimes it really is OK to let sleeping dogs lie, especially when they're in the past...the past is a foreign country, yeah?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,601
I don't think you have to tell your bf everything kev, and as I see it you are a sweet and kind person who built walls around herself and burnt the bridges as a means of protecting yourself, and lacked the trust to establish and maintain healthy relationships. Me too. 
Wonder why we did that kev? I think we know the answer to that now.
Destroyed and threw away everything of value and couldn't figure out why but now get glimpses of me disrespecting myself so much I destroyed everything as some misguided form of punishment, but put the wrong corpse in the coffin. And I ain't dead yet
I can't say what is best to do kev but I really think you are being too hard on yourself and believe your bf would see similar. It sounds to me that he really cares.
You are sweet and kind kev and there is reason behind our destructive actions of the past ony now we are building bridges and making a tentative crossing.
Feels like one of those rickety bridges that sway over some raging river in a jungle somewhere, but where good for that jungle kev and we'll make it to the other side
I just don't want to see you discuss your thoughts with the idea that you were a "bad person" because you are not, you are a good person that got hurt and now you're healing. We are all healing from what I can see. All of us have been hurt by degree, but that don't make it any easier.
I loved Jimmy Durante nands, and wishing you all of the luck in the world kenton hold tight your sobriety ring and give my best to Buddha last I saw him he was sitting in a car meditating
I love you all.
Man nands, I thought my "drinking to prove them right" was original
Better still, liked the drinking of poison hoping that the other person would die. Sums it up completely. Thanks nands. xxx
Wonder why we did that kev? I think we know the answer to that now. Destroyed and threw away everything of value and couldn't figure out why but now get glimpses of me disrespecting myself so much I destroyed everything as some misguided form of punishment, but put the wrong corpse in the coffin. And I ain't dead yet
I can't say what is best to do kev but I really think you are being too hard on yourself and believe your bf would see similar. It sounds to me that he really cares.
You are sweet and kind kev and there is reason behind our destructive actions of the past ony now we are building bridges and making a tentative crossing.
Feels like one of those rickety bridges that sway over some raging river in a jungle somewhere, but where good for that jungle kev and we'll make it to the other side
I just don't want to see you discuss your thoughts with the idea that you were a "bad person" because you are not, you are a good person that got hurt and now you're healing. We are all healing from what I can see. All of us have been hurt by degree, but that don't make it any easier.
I loved Jimmy Durante nands, and wishing you all of the luck in the world kenton hold tight your sobriety ring and give my best to Buddha last I saw him he was sitting in a car meditating
I love you all.
Man nands, I thought my "drinking to prove them right" was original
Better still, liked the drinking of poison hoping that the other person would die. Sums it up completely. Thanks nands. xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Kenton,
of course EVERY one has some sort of trauma ... there is no difference in the impact these things have. You have mentioned your experience in the subway.... and for my sis in law it was being in the hospital for an illness as a young child scared and overwhelmed by it all...
Basically ... we all have suffering, it just takes different forms and we display that in different ways ... no big, no small to it.
Fortunately we also all experience joy. And again, no big no small..be it an academy award or a beautiful flower or sunrise. Joy is joy!
I guess the way I would say it is that we are all working through our own Kamma ... that is the way it is due to all our experiences (not the pop version of if you hurt someone, you will be hurt). We cannot walk another's path, but we can support each other as we each walk through things.
Kev - I actually have to agree with the AA stuff on this confession thing. I don't have to share with another if it will cause harm to them. I cannot save myself at the expense of another. I tend to give a general not to specific or horrific mention. Then when something comes up, if I trust the person, I will sometimes choose to disclose a bit more.
Some times a full disclouser early in a relationship can just be me self-destructing the relationship.
Look inside and clear your mind and see what the answer is for you. Doing a 4th step can be very hard to deal with emotionally, and if you are like me... you probably have been overly critical in your view of yourself. When you are overwhelmed with that ... please ... turn to your positives for a while ... you can pick up the 4th step a bit later after you are more steady. If you can't make a list of your good points to help you get through this ... come here ... we can all help you!
of course EVERY one has some sort of trauma ... there is no difference in the impact these things have. You have mentioned your experience in the subway.... and for my sis in law it was being in the hospital for an illness as a young child scared and overwhelmed by it all...
Basically ... we all have suffering, it just takes different forms and we display that in different ways ... no big, no small to it.
Fortunately we also all experience joy. And again, no big no small..be it an academy award or a beautiful flower or sunrise. Joy is joy!
I guess the way I would say it is that we are all working through our own Kamma ... that is the way it is due to all our experiences (not the pop version of if you hurt someone, you will be hurt). We cannot walk another's path, but we can support each other as we each walk through things.
Kev - I actually have to agree with the AA stuff on this confession thing. I don't have to share with another if it will cause harm to them. I cannot save myself at the expense of another. I tend to give a general not to specific or horrific mention. Then when something comes up, if I trust the person, I will sometimes choose to disclose a bit more.
Some times a full disclouser early in a relationship can just be me self-destructing the relationship.
Look inside and clear your mind and see what the answer is for you. Doing a 4th step can be very hard to deal with emotionally, and if you are like me... you probably have been overly critical in your view of yourself. When you are overwhelmed with that ... please ... turn to your positives for a while ... you can pick up the 4th step a bit later after you are more steady. If you can't make a list of your good points to help you get through this ... come here ... we can all help you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Steely ... your post was so spot on! Thank you so much for posting that. And BTW ... we can have an original thought that someone else happened to have before! It happens often, because we often get lead through the same sticky wicket to the same answer that people have done for generations and centuries. I suspect if we knew everyone's thoughts, we would find that almost none of the "new ideas" are really new ... just ideas that common people like us had! 
I was listening to Ajan Sumedo on the 4 noble truths this morning. It reminded me of something that someone also said here ... about being a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I remember it was such a novel idea when a sponsor once told me that perhaps instead of trying to turn myself round to fit in, I should look for a square whole where I would fit as I am Or as Roshi Tejo once told me in a difficult time ... "take a stand where you are". It's so simple and I miss it so often ... accept that I belong exactly where I am.
OK ... post more later.... I overslept and have to mow before the heat and go to the Indian reservation for cigarettes before we run out (3 hour trip there and back)...
post soon and love you all!!!!!
I was listening to Ajan Sumedo on the 4 noble truths this morning. It reminded me of something that someone also said here ... about being a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I remember it was such a novel idea when a sponsor once told me that perhaps instead of trying to turn myself round to fit in, I should look for a square whole where I would fit as I am
Or as Roshi Tejo once told me in a difficult time ... "take a stand where you are". It's so simple and I miss it so often ... accept that I belong exactly where I am.OK ... post more later.... I overslept and have to mow before the heat and go to the Indian reservation for cigarettes before we run out (3 hour trip there and back)...
post soon and love you all!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
The ring I was going to have for a sobriety ring doesn't fit
I'll have to find something else
Oh Kenton ... I think it is only an hour drive from your location to Amaravati Monastery. It was started by Ajan Sumedo and currently Ajan Amaro is providing leadership as Sumedo is trying to be retired (without much success) and there is also the Chitherst monestary in London.... I think.....
Wish we had transporters so I could stop by for tea and go enjoy a monks reflections
I'll have to find something else
Oh Kenton ... I think it is only an hour drive from your location to Amaravati Monastery. It was started by Ajan Sumedo and currently Ajan Amaro is providing leadership as Sumedo is trying to be retired (without much success
) and there is also the Chitherst monestary in London.... I think.....Wish we had transporters so I could stop by for tea and go enjoy a monks reflections
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,601
You'll find the perfect sobriety ring nands and it will fit like a charm.
I'm liking Roshi nands, "take a stand where you are" is a beauty and really helps even though I've only been practicing for two days. Insert little green laughing man.
You know what? Everytime someone posts, and says I've said something good I have to shut my iPad because I can't bear to read anything good about myself. Truth.
I've so familiarised myself with self criticism and self destruct stuff that it's taken grip. And there I was thinking alcohol was a solvent. No, it just made the grip more tenacious. Stuck!
So don't think you are alone kev in the not thinking well of yourself, or your past, I'm in the same boat, and without wishing to speak for anyone else reckon we all make up the one crew.
I had an afterthought about you speaking with your bf and agree with nands and kenton on that count, but was also thinking that it would be good for YOU to just sit with your thoughts as you grow better(er) and better(er) where you'll be able to discuss it in full context, but with self love and compassion in mind.
We need to have the privacy of our minds, it's what makes us ourselves. And I'm still struggling kev.
Believe me kev when I say I know from whence you came. I come from there too.
How did your family visit go kenton? You were fully armed that's for sure so hope it went well. I'm pretty confident that it did.
Isn't it good when, with good sobriety, (and I reckon the Nobenders have good and developing sobriety) I'm able to deal with the world with less fear and trepidation. It comes and goes, but am finding that sobriety is the solvent. Insert laughing wo/man dressed as chemist.
I'm going to visit my little sister today for lunch. This will be the first time I have been to her house and am anxious, but also looking forward because I know I would never have been invited had I been drinking. Man, I would have arrived drunk
Got my sobriety ring on too kenton, and Buddha is a Nobender. Wish me luck too.
Love you all.
I'm liking Roshi nands, "take a stand where you are" is a beauty and really helps even though I've only been practicing for two days. Insert little green laughing man.
You know what? Everytime someone posts, and says I've said something good I have to shut my iPad because I can't bear to read anything good about myself. Truth.
I've so familiarised myself with self criticism and self destruct stuff that it's taken grip. And there I was thinking alcohol was a solvent. No, it just made the grip more tenacious. Stuck!
So don't think you are alone kev in the not thinking well of yourself, or your past, I'm in the same boat, and without wishing to speak for anyone else reckon we all make up the one crew.
I had an afterthought about you speaking with your bf and agree with nands and kenton on that count, but was also thinking that it would be good for YOU to just sit with your thoughts as you grow better(er) and better(er) where you'll be able to discuss it in full context, but with self love and compassion in mind.
We need to have the privacy of our minds, it's what makes us ourselves. And I'm still struggling kev.
Believe me kev when I say I know from whence you came. I come from there too.
How did your family visit go kenton? You were fully armed that's for sure so hope it went well. I'm pretty confident that it did.
Isn't it good when, with good sobriety, (and I reckon the Nobenders have good and developing sobriety) I'm able to deal with the world with less fear and trepidation. It comes and goes, but am finding that sobriety is the solvent. Insert laughing wo/man dressed as chemist.
I'm going to visit my little sister today for lunch. This will be the first time I have been to her house and am anxious, but also looking forward because I know I would never have been invited had I been drinking. Man, I would have arrived drunk
Got my sobriety ring on too kenton, and Buddha is a Nobender. Wish me luck too.
Love you all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
For my friends
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50xGa0rQ3s4
And for the old ladies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNffFJGaquM
Now I'll read
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50xGa0rQ3s4
And for the old ladies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNffFJGaquM
Now I'll read
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Steely is being very insightful again!!!! So there Steely!!!!
You know I have to remember that when that voice in my head starts nattering on about how bad I am .... it is just a voice...just a thought...Just because I think it doesn't mean it's true...
I can (as some one eluded to earlier) just invite the voice in and give it a cup of tea for comfort (such a sad little voice hurt people hurt people) and send it on it's way without a bother..
OK ... so a lot of the time I can't do that ...
But more often than not.
I have to treat that alchohol thought (Mara calling) the same way.. acknowledge, let it be, but not take it as a true voice. I say that because I was a bit surprised at how many times today I wanted to stop at every liquerstore along the highway... Not sure why it happened, but I know Mara is a liar ... trying to tell me the allure of alchohol is a real promise of good times... as Amaro says "I KNOW YOU MARA"
lmao and let it go
You know I have to remember that when that voice in my head starts nattering on about how bad I am .... it is just a voice...just a thought...Just because I think it doesn't mean it's true...
I can (as some one eluded to earlier) just invite the voice in and give it a cup of tea for comfort (such a sad little voice hurt people hurt people) and send it on it's way without a bother..
OK ... so a lot of the time I can't do that ...
But more often than not.
I have to treat that alchohol thought (Mara calling) the same way.. acknowledge, let it be, but not take it as a true voice. I say that because I was a bit surprised at how many times today I wanted to stop at every liquerstore along the highway... Not sure why it happened, but I know Mara is a liar ... trying to tell me the allure of alchohol is a real promise of good times... as Amaro says "I KNOW YOU MARA"
lmao and let it go
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,601
I love you nands, and the two versions of "Side by Side" were fantastic.
Thanks for your insightful thoughts on inviting that nattering voice in for a cup of tea. That's exactly what I do too. Lousy company over tea, hey?
Your videos somehow meshed with my thinking about you kev, in thinking that you're too young. Now apart from that being ageist it's just not true.
We are travelling this course together kev as women with common themes to our lives and helping each other to get well. It would be crap if there were just young or old people.
You are so needed here.
Hey nands, Mara lacks insight
Thanks for your insightful
thoughts on inviting that nattering voice in for a cup of tea. That's exactly what I do too. Lousy company over tea, hey? Your videos somehow meshed with my thinking about you kev, in thinking that you're too young. Now apart from that being ageist
it's just not true. We are travelling this course together kev as women with common themes to our lives and helping each other to get well. It would be crap if there were just young or old people.
You are so needed here. Hey nands, Mara lacks insight
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
Howdy all.
Checking in to let you know I'm still plugging along, over 7 months now. Yesterday was a bit difficult, kept thinking about how I would love a wine and angry that I can't. Pretty sure I was hungry at the time and it didn't help sitting in a restaurant with another table next to me getting glasses of vino delivered to them. We ate and got the hell out of there.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to say HI so HI
Checking in to let you know I'm still plugging along, over 7 months now. Yesterday was a bit difficult, kept thinking about how I would love a wine and angry that I can't. Pretty sure I was hungry at the time and it didn't help sitting in a restaurant with another table next to me getting glasses of vino delivered to them. We ate and got the hell out of there.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to say HI so HI
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
