kenton

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry you felt a bit off yesterday Ananda and I'm so pleased you posted about it. Sometimes I can be feeling all glitter and glowy and suddenly out of the blue my mood comes crashing down and I think, "what the hell caused that??" Then I remember that I'm fighting for my life every day inside my own head and I remember it's ok to feel tired and overwhelmed and off every so often. I think you are doing amazing Ananda. You're always there for us and it's so important that we post when days are not all shiny and sunny. Life is just as much about the cloudy days. If we didn't have the cloudy days we'd never notice the sun. I love you Ananda xxx

One thing I'm remembering about myself is that I am freakily good at picking up vibes and energy off other people. I could do it as a child. I could tell as soon as someone walked in the room if they were upset about something. Once I started drinking, obviously all this got blurred and I forgot that maybe I was picking up vibes off other people and thought that anything I felt was due to some craziness going on inside my own head. Yesterday I was picking up my kids from school and a mum I don't know very well walked past and I just knew something was off with her. I approached her and the next thing she was sitting in my car in tears because she's having some horrible personal problems. I think just being there and listening helped her a little and I told her I'd check in with her later to see how she's feeling today. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we may be feeling all glitter and glowy and then pick up on someone else's sadness and because we're addicts there's a tendency for us to blame the sudden shift in our mood on our addiction and ourselves. Rather than just accepting that this is just the natural ebb and flow of normal life.

Feel so lucky that we live in an age where we can be connected to each other and I can talk about picking up on vibes without feeling too weird or judged. Thank god I didn't live in the olden days when they were hunting down any female who was a bit different and burning them as witches. I would definitely have got a bit crispy. Much love to everyone. The sun is shining in the UK. Looks like a great day to be sober xxxxxx

Steely

We love ananda and I love kenton and kev too, and not wanting to leave anyone out because we all have our own correct and proper timetables and I care about you all, but you 3 gals have all been so staunch and solid with me throughout these hard and testing times that I cannot adequately express my gratitude. and I'm thinking about you too rainy and Poppy.

Your kindness, wisdom, strength, and humour has kept me pushing forward, something I will never underestimate or forget. You have never let me down.

Am thinking about you kev and your thinking that maybe you are too young for an old such as myself, but I'm here to say that each and every one of your posts has been packed with the same struggle we are all encountering. The struggle for autonomy and selfhood. You make it real kev. I see myself in you.

The struggle for self is one of the biggest struggles any human being can make kev and not many even bother and is testament to your maturity and strength so please don't think me a schmuck for saying these things because in my heart they are real.

Each of us are here much because of the lousy hand we were dealt and used alcohol from the very bottom of that deck to win the hand. But it failed and here we are looking and finding a better deal though sometimes it may not seem so.

We have hung with each other with support and laughter and no judgement enters. I am privileged to know you all and again, please don't see me as mushy, 'cause really I'm not, I just know how lucky I am to have you as my friends.

And why am I not surprised to hear that you sat with the woman in distress kenton? And why am I not surprised to hear that you can pick up on the vibes of people?

It's because you are kind, and you care about others, something so rare in this imo shallow and self interested world.

I picked up on your being glad that you weren't around when women were burnt at the stake for being witches kenton.

Please see selfie above.

Going to make myself a hot milk with nutmeg sprinkled on top before I hit the sack.

My love to you all.

You can now shoot me for being Schmuck no. 1.

Ananda

Good Morning, Afternoon and Good night to all the mushy smucks traveling on this magic thread!

Yes, I am afraid we would all be burned at the stake or worse, tied up and thrown in the river to drowned ... they would find out we weren't witches when we sank instead of floated ... but would be too late for us!

Dang ... finding those smiles takes far to long oh well ... we all know

So I was inspired by your actions Kev and when a woman in the meeting yesterday said she was really struggling and then passed, I was once again surprised by the lack of response by the group. She bolted out the room at the end of the meeting so I followed her and called out. I tried to say a few kind words, but she was not able to open up. I was tired and not all that bright and wonderful. I figure at least she will know that her plea for help was not completely useless.

I don't know how good I'll be at posting today. I'm really off balance ... up twice with nightmares and really worn out. The doctor is scheduling me a follow up that I missed last month for 10 days from now. I just don't understand why they did the EKG I don't know for sure if they saw anything on the loop recorder. I am struggling with some panic and confusion.

I think uncertainty can be very hard for me to sit with. I am going to try to invite my uncertainty in for a cuppa and perhaps remind her that it is ok. It is part of this world to not know. Trust in our doctor is simply all I can do. If it were bad they would get me in earlier (even though they doubled my medicine?). I don't willy nilly trust drs. I ask questions and will have many this time. But the bottom line is the carteologist team and the neurologist team and the Kidney center were the reason I am alive today after my hospital stay in may and all of my current doctors were a part of that team and sent me to KU med when they reached the limit of what they could do.

So trust.... not blindly... but trust.

OK ... I suspect since I did my sumedo, my son will help me not do too much today, and I am doing the next indicated thing from moment to moment ... this day is likely to turn around quickly and could turn out wonderful But first that cuppa tea with the me's I don't particularly want to spend time with and give them a little compassion.

Sorry so me me me today. I ditto what Steely said and what Kenton and Kev have said often ... that you all are huge in helping me build a sober foundation in my life. You are all so compassionate!

(But I still think Steely gets the "Mushy of the Day" award...

And yes ... you ALL

Steely

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6MvwyryqXU

Aarrgghh! I awoke this morning in a pool of mushy sweat remembering my post from last night and don't need anyone else to shoot me as I reached for the musket beside my bed and nearly shot myself..

If anyone wants a love letter written I only charge a buck a page, aarrgghh!

I was thinking about you all last night just prior to posting and somehow found myself wandering down Mush Lane with gratitude in my heart. I reckon I saw you guys in that coffee shop next door to the florist.

I cringe and feel silly. Aarrgghh!

Will get back after my cuppa and having changed my Username.

Ananda

Oh Steely .... you are fine

We need to be sure we have plenty of mush on here as it really helps keep us from the morose of where our own minds go by themselves!

But if you insist....





I took my uncomfortable feelings all out for tea this morning in my back yard. It was very weird and they kinda ran away when I tried to invite them in. I'm not comfortable with not being able to just sit with this stuff, but I will talk to my counselor about it. He is someone who you can say things weird like that too and he doesn't think your crazy. He did tell me once that I said something that I might not want to share in an AA meeting!

I need to go off and look in some strange places for my missing sock.....

Ananda

dang steely ... your video was blocked due to copyright issues! The Aussies must be more liberal than the US (not surprising at this time )

I found a version here ... will listen once today's hearings are over (not saying what hearings .... don't ask don't tell)

kenton

I thought your post was lovely Steely. It made me cry. It was so thoughtful and positive and wise. And like Ananda said, there's nothing wrong with a bit of mush. Mushy peas are my favourite thing to eat with fish and chips. Regular peas are ok, but sometimes you need the mushy kind. Mush away, that's what I say.

I guess you just need to keep inviting your uncomfortable feelings in for tea Ananda and hopefully, some time soon, they might hang around for a bit. The most important thing is not to close the door on them or pretend they don't exist. That's what I did for so long.. . No wonder my AV got such total control. By denying what was going on in my mind, I let my AV take charge. Never again.

Something interesting happened today. I went for a run with a mum I know from the kids school and she let slip that my ex friends have been talking about me behind my back. And like most things that are said behind someone's back, they haven't been singing my praises. I started doing RAIN in my head but we were running up a hill at the time and I sort of had to concentrate on breathing and then it struck me... I didn't need to do RAIN because I wasn't bothered!! Truly. I couldn't care less. These ex friends cut all ties with me last November when I stopped drinking. I tried to build bridges with them and none of them wanted to know. I haven't spoken badly about them to anyone, I haven't sent any texts, emails or messages I regret, I haven't done anything other than stay sober and try to grow as a person. I got no idea why they are still talking about me behind my back when they've all had the opportunity to speak to my face and I honestly don't care. This is so different from how I used to react. This is groundbreaking news. Hot head Kenton has one mindfulness class and is now queen serene. I know it's not because of the mindfulness class, although that was awesome. I know this change is down to one word ...... sobriety. Sobriety is making me balanced in a way I don't think I've ever been. It's making me realise I don't need validation from others, especially people that treat me badly. This change of attitude is amazing. I honestly believe that sobriety is without doubt the best gift I have ever given to myself and my family. And it's free!!! There is no end to its awesomeness.

I hope everyone is doing ok. IMPENDING MUSH WARNING *** I care so much about all of you and think about you all often throughout my day.

That probably didn't rate highly on the mushometer but I think it's important to make room, even just a little for mush. Mushroom!! Yep, I won't give up the day job. Night/morning/afternoon xxxx

Steely

Oh ananda, if not for you

I went back to bed after dashing off my aarrgghh! post hoping my original had disappeared out of sympathy, but no such luck.

I did a double dork with pike and triple twist in Dork Diving at the SR Olympics. So mushed out I'm going to start writing myself hate mail

I have to go to the dentist soon and again, will have to get back to reply to your posts properly.

I think kenton said it previously, but your idea of inviting your uncomfortable feelings in for tea is a really good one and explains simply, a way of sitting with uncomfortable feelings and getting comfy. It humanises it and not just a 'strategy' as taught by the 'professionals'.

So I'm sitting here with tea and and feeling better. ain't such a bad companion after all.

Thanks nands you're the best.

And now to dentist. Hope I accidently don't tell him I love him.

Steely

The video I sent was the original 1970's version of Bob Dylan's "If not for you". There are some crap versions, so hope you get this 1970's version.

kevlarsjal

Hello girls!

I love our thread so much and you're all so funny, you made my heart feel much lighter! Now I feel all mushy too but no chance you'll witness much of that because of a language barrier. Not just that English isn't (as you probably know) my native language but also that I struggle with expressing myself verbally when I get too emotional.

But inside I'm at least as mushy as all the bananas that I smear in my hair.

BTW here's the recipe for the hair mask I mentioned some pages back:

- 1/2 very ripe banana, mushed
- 1 tbsp coconut oil
- 1 tbsp olive oil
- 1 tbsp milk (cows or soy)

For long or thick hair double the amounts. Also you don't have to be precise by any means. I always go by eye measurement.
Careful, it leaves your shower a bit oily and dirty.

Kenton, if I remember correctly you used just the banana? How did it work?



Today was another exhausting day for me. I had to get up early and went to a specialist doctor to get my lungs checked. We did some tests but have to do more next month. He explained that we breathe about 5 litres per minute when resting but about 100-120 when running and considering how much pollen and other pollution there is in the air that makes us giant vacuum cleaners, our lungs being the dust bags. So it could be that it's no asthma and my lungs just trying to clean themselves after running.

Cause the doctor was in the same part of the city where my mum lives I went for a spontaneous visit and had brunch with her which was nice. She gave me a little tomato plant for my balcony.

Then I went to the opposite end of the city to visit my dad in hospital again.
It was good seeing him. He seems much better and has his spark back in his eyes. It made my heart really happy to see him able to talk, eat and walk around without getting overly exhausted. He's lost lots of weight though and still has a tube coming out of his stomach. But overall he seems so much better than a week ago. That was when I visited him after his second surgery. He didn't even remember me being there when I mentioned it today. He was still half asleep from the aneasthetics and could barely talk.

Today I stayed for 3 hours and then only went cause I got hungry, he didn't seem tired or asked me to leave like before. So that's really good to see. We even went down for a walk in the park and he chose to walk all the stairs (4th floor) and open all the heavy doors himself, he's such a fighter!
We had some meaningful and deep conversations and it meant so much to me cause this time we were both SOBER! He expelained what he thinks went wrong over the past months and might have contributed to the appendix burst.
He said that he lost the "ease" in life and was too stubborn and too eager to have success in his work and too focused on getting things the way he wanted them, believing too much in the fact that everything will work like he expects it to work if he just tries hard enough. He said that even the things he used to enjoy like cooking or gardening just became points on his endless to do lists. He didn't enjoy anything in life anymore, just felt like he always had so much more to do and never getting anything done. That made him drink more and smoke more (cigarettes). And that he now has realised that he has to step back and take things more slowly again, allowing himself to enjoy what he does.
Which made me realise how similar we both are. Cause he described to a T how I felt last year before I had my "crash" and landed in hospital twice because of my kidney problems. Our bodies forcing us to take a break and make a change.

He also talked a lot about his past and how he felt as a teen and young adult. About feeling suicidal and dealing with the loss of his dad, grand parents and two of his brothers.

After a while the topic came back to him hallucinating the first time I visited him. He said he assumes it might have been caused by detoxing from the wine as he's been drinking quite much daily for many years.
To me that sounded like he admitted between the lines, that he has an addiction.
My BF said he thinks he wasn't experiencing withdrawal caused hallucinations cause he didn't have DTs. I on the other hand think that it could be that his sedatives and pain meds covered most part of the withdrawals cause it had been similar for me last year when I stopped drinking for some days when I had to go to hospital.

Anyway, my dad said he doesn't want to start smoking again once he's out of hospital and also that he wants to just drink a glass of wine with dinner and no more. I guess I will have to wait and see how that works for him. Not smoking again and drinking less is a very good idea though and it makes me happy. Since I stopped drinking my brother and his soon to be wife quit smoking and now my dad did the same and his wife wants to quit too. I like seeing the people around me taking good care of their health, it makes me feel very happy and grateful.

Now I just had a hot bath with a bath oil that smells of jasmine and turns the water turquoise. I bought it some days ago and was looking forward to having this bath since then. What a treat! Ready for bed. I need sleep, my brain needs to process.

Lots of love to all of you!

kevlarsjal

Kenton your post was so inspiring to me! Not the mushroom part, that just really cracked me up but how sobriety changes so much for you.

I love these moments when we notice how we deal with situations so differently and better already after a relatively short time. I feel so happy for myself when I see how I deal with my dad being in hospital. Or just with annoying people on public transport. They could totally ruin my day. I had such a short temper and massive anger problems. I do tend to worry a bit much now or just feel a bit down but for the most part that anger has been taken off me. Also my stress levels are getting so much better and I can almost physically feel how my nerves are healing and getting stronger again. And I feel so happy for you when you notice that your ex-friends talking about you doesn't even bother you. That is so mature and balanced. Moments like that really make us realise what a great gift sobriety is.

kevlarsjal

Love you and your humour Steely!!

Good luck at the dentist!

Steely

Have just gotten in from the dentist and food shopping as am making chicken and pearl barley soup, which I love and it is easy for me to to tolerate.

I become overwhelmed when big plates of food are before me, and it's good for you too. I even steamed fresh beetroot last night which I have never done before, always out of the tin (yuk), but it was delicious.

So before I read anyone's posts,I need to say that our posts crossed kenton and wanted to thank you, and to say how lovely you are. You me happy. I found the sock.

I have only just gotten in and need to unwind, but the bit about those idiot friends' of yours needs further consideration. Man.

They are disgusting.

Thanks again Kenton xxx

Steely

Oh kenton, I've just seen the blaze in London. How much can a body take. Breath kenton.

How terrible, how sad. I am so sorry.

kenton

Horrendous news to wake up to. Loads of questions need to be answered. How did a tower block go up in flames so quick? Why didn't the fire alarms go off? How many people have died? Will the tower collapse?

Do you remember on Sunday when I told you I was walking around a store and heard a female Australian voice and thought, "I wonder if that's Steely?" Well, I was in Westfield shopping centre which is round the corner from the tower block that is currently still in flames. There were 120 families in that tower block. I can't begin to imagine the horror. There's people and children still in there.

People that went to bed last night won't be waking up today. Every day on this planet is a gift. Even the bad ones. I'm never going to take any days for granted. Hope everyone is ok. Love you all xxxx

Steely

Have just caught up on everyone's posts and such wonderful stuff to read. I reckon we're getting there girls.

I am so tired from my big day out that I am going to wait until the morrow before responding because my brain is tired too and Ineed to think.

This really is the very best thread kev. We rock!

Kenton your mushroom joke really was a beauty. Without humour where would we be, a miserable world not worth contemplating.

Steely

Just noticed on finishing my post kenton that we have crossed again. Going back to read your post now. The fire looks outrageous. What a nightmare for all those involved. One of my biggest fears is to be caught in fire.

Steely

And cannot help but think of you Phoenix and hope you are OK.

Dee74

A horrific scene. Prayers for everyone touched by this.

D

kenton

Kev, lovely to read about the good times you had with your mum at brunch and then with your dad. It sounds like your dad has had time to think since he's been in hospital and I certainly can learn from what he says. If we're not careful, life can become an endless list of things to do and your dad is right, it's so important not to lose the ease in life. I think it's great that your dad is going to quit smoking and cut down the wine. Maybe this hospitalisation will end up being a positive thing for your dad. I'm so happy for you both that you got to spend that time together, both sober.

I'm going to learn from your dad and get some ease into my life. Tonight once the kids are in bed, I'm going to go to the mindfulness class and then when I get home I'm going to start reading The Shack that I bought today after Dee spoke about it. Got lots of things I should do instead but they can wait. Hope all is good with everyone xxxx