Delizadee

Hi Tom!

Golmer, You are so cool.
Your rambling reminds me of Claire from Outlander. Have you read that series? Claire was an army medic who was very good with identifying plants and herbs. There is a ton of 18th century Scottish history in her series. I am a fanatic of her books and the tv series.

Also Philipa Gregory writes historical fiction. I don't know it may not be your bent, I love it.


Glad to see you back.

Gilmer

I'll check it out, Del.

stargazer016

Carlos, I love **** Ganoush!

Courage, definitely don't drink and go to meetings!

That library with all of the Civil War history sounds fascinating Gilmer. I could get lost in there for days.

Hit 92 here today, so I put the various AC window units in the windows to keep DW happy. (And myself) Spent hours outside doing yard work, then shopping and finally laundry. Just a typical day off. Better than starting the day drinking and not getting a thing done all day except stoking my self loathing.

Good night all!

courage2

The old magic trick isn't working w/a lot of pizzazz this week but you gotta keep trying. I had a long conversation w/a woman I know who's having a bad time. She's doing all the right things: seeing a psychiatrist, a counselor, going to Al-Anon and church, trying to exercise, talking to others. But she has this strong fear that she'll never "find" "happiness."

I think it's going down a rabbit hole to look for happiness or validation through achievements, love, or earnings. When an external source of gratification falls down on you -- and it always will, in the dark of midnight when you most need something to prop you up -- what are you left with, if that's how you define you?

She's also, understandably if you knew what she's been through, feeling pretty sorry for herself. I told her that old chestnut "what you focus on grows" -- a little trite, but it's been helpful to me, because I'm strongly inclined to be gloomy For my own survival, I intentionally spend many minutes of every day enriching life as I perceive it. Not to do so -- to focus on failure and sources of bitterness -- is dangerous. Real serious bad stuff will come some time, so I figure I have to build strong reserves of goodness.

I doubt my words were at all helpful to her, but I think she liked just to sit for a little while together. And it helped me.

Sober on.

PhoenixJ

Sometimes C2- just having someone to talk AT, is healing. I think sometimes that is all my 'professional friends' do. You know- doctor, counsellor etc.

FBL

Since getting sober, I've found happiness in the "little" things. A kind word from a friend, a long walk on a Sunday morning, a chocolate chip cookie, reading something inspiring here on SR...all of these "little" things can add up to something much bigger.

Gilmer

You are right, Cour--it is not only unhealthy, but downright self-sabotaging to dwell on things that have made us bitter.

I am so glad that you got to be there for your friend. I'll bet she was really relieved to be able to unburden to you.

PhoenixJ

Yes'm

Gilmer

You are right too, FBL.

Happiness often comes from little things (like tiny old libraries and weeds along the road for me).

Your post just now made me realize that--and it occurs to me that I had to pursue my happiness by actively searching out little things to appreciate.

It is dawning on me that happiness in life doesn't just come by osmosis--we have to play an active role in living. I wonder if that means stepping out of the deep emotional mire of various life situations into the "superficial"--the little, ordinary things that we often are too burdened down to consider.

FBL

Gil, when I first got sober, I was just trying to make it thru the day. Once the brain fog started to lift, I realized that I'm happiest when I'm "outside" of my own head. It's always a work in progress, but I feel like I'm finally comfortable with myself and that life is what I make it, not what others can or can't do for me. Not sure if that makes any sense, but it does to me.

Gilmer

It makes a lot of sense!

IWLSAST

Exactly...that's all my drinking was for at least the last three years.

Hey, what's the deal with "b a b a" being bleeped out with Ganoush? Does it have some negative connotation?

Thanks for the thoughts on being scared. Those thoughts are part of life and I do have many new ways to deal with them. One thing for sure, I no longer need or want to drink over them....at least the way I feel today.

Interesting...finding happiness in the small things. Sure, I do that now. But, I can find happiness in bigger things too. I think the difference for me is that I finally am looking to be grateful - no matter what - big or small.

Day by day, lots of little things add up to a rather happy and content existence, now. Every once in awhile I have big things, (holding my newborn granddaughter as example-turning 4 years soon - etc)...the key for me to find happiness is by doing the next right thing, look and listen for signs, practice humility, realize what I control, be vulnerable, look for ways to give back...etc/blah-blah-blah - just that daily credo I try to follow...

However, the real key for me - is knowing that it is an inside job and not those people, places and things that create happy, joyous and free.

Yikes, work time - have a good day, all.

Nope, not happening today! Y'all know what I'm talking about.

SR Carlos (DZ - out of time, my Carlos story tomorrow, foo shoo)

stargazer016

I think you kind of hit the nail on the head FBL. I was a rather serious and introverted child, and I think that is one of the reasons I took to alcohol so naturally. It made me happy and social and liked. It's taken two years of sobriety to become comfortable with myself, and not to feel ashamed of who I am. I too have begun to learn that joy mostly comes from the small things day to day, though I have nothing against big joy visiting me on occasion.

I am in the process of dumping a bunch of old camcorder videos onto my laptop. Some of these tapes are nearly 15 years old, and I am rushing against time before they start to fade away. Last night, I sat around the coffee table with my kids watching a few. It certainly brought back memories for me and the kids loved seeing themselves when they were so young. It was a blast for everyone and a definitely one of those little life moments that made me happy.

Carlos, I have no idea why **** got switched. I figured that you just couldn't remember the name, then saw that my post got edited too. Who knew?

I am working to midnight the next few nights but have some time off coming up Memorial Day weekend that I am looking forward to. I definitely need to step away from the daily grind for a bit to mentally and physically recharge myself.

Have a great day all!

Gilmer

Carlos, you made a great point: a big difference between then and now is that now you're looking to be grateful.

We need to make every effort to orient ourselves that way.

Delizadee

I had to lose almost everything, including my own life before I climbed out of my hole and found value in myself.
I had to strip away or let myself be ok with 'stuff' being stripped away before I found true gratitude. I have a lot less than I used to have. Less has become more.
Love your post FBL.And everyone's. I am grateful for this thread.

I am extremely anxious today. I got an email from my lawyer and so I've had tears and twisted in knots inside. Nothing good or bad, it's just time for me to collect all I have to show how things are going here to press for my son to move here. She called it a reply $ statement. She asked how much sober time I have.
I am stressed it's not enough. I keep telling myself to think positive and be honest. I have to have someone come in and do up a letter as to the state of my home, which I'm not worried about.
I don't know. I'm waiting to talk to my counselor.
My shame part wants to twist things to gloss over my short slip in December. You know, half truths. If I don't give the whole story to my lawyer then she's not obligated to say it right?
I want to be honest but I am afraid. I am sober and doing great but I feel so frustrated that I could have had 7 months by now instead of 4.5. Numbers, frikken numbers.
I can't discount where I am at. I just have fear of the unknown and that dang alkie thinking that I can control the outcome by manipulating the situation coming up.

Serenity prayer times a thousand today. Gotta do the next right thing. I have a week to get my poop in a group and my head on straight.

Gilmer

(((((Del)))))

I hope you feel more solid and confident after talking with your counselor.

IWLSAST

((DZ)), you are such a sweet person and it really shows how hard that you are working on a sober life - believe me - THAT PROJECTS FROM YOU.

As far as what path to take - I can only offer what mine is delivering from rigorous honesty. I never need to remember what I might have told someone...it just is what's up. While the truth carries consequences from a checkered past - it never has to happen again.

I think I remember reading that you were a young woman. You have many bright tomorrows. I only started my recovery path at 60 yo - while not sad about that - just grateful I've been given this freedom.

You are a shining star, young lady - keep on keepin on and yes, it will all work out. Look for some HP signs....the're there when we need them.

Oh my - I need to dash - - - - hope this made some sense???

courage2

(((Del)) -- Carlos said so much so well. You're a beautiful person inside. Keep on with what you know is right, no matter what. I've tried lying and it doesn't fit with sobriety.

Delizadee

Thanks so much, you guys. I really, really appreciate the kind & supportive words.

What you said here Carlos is what my mind is very firmly telling me. Half truths is a big part of what got me into this mess in the first place.
My plan has been solid and good since treatment.
I guess it's more encompassing than just my own integrity & honesty; this is more than just what I want, it's what my son wants and what I truly believe is best for him. It would be much easier to accept that him and his sister are staying there if it were a good, healthy environment for them, but it's not at all.
This will likely also mean that I should & will be showing up for court on June 6th. I am both terribly fearful of court and of having to deal with my ex.

I keep on keeping on and praying for guidance and strength. I am hoping going through my 5th step will help me in this whole department.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the encouragement.

PhoenixJ

Dels- please remember that stress- now and worrying about the future are BIG triggers. Put a plan into place- to cope with the anxiety..HALTS(ad), post here LOTS. Support to you.