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Old 05-08-2017, 03:10 PM
  # 121 (permalink)  
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From me too, Del. All of that stuff piled on top of each other would drive anybody insane!

I really, really admire you for not saying F-it and having a drink just for spite!

You are made of very tough stuff. You've weathered some big storms before, and each time you build more experience to draw on.

I definitely agree that you should see the lawyer.

I hope you can get some support from your sponsor.

Don't feel bad for not catching up with the thread!

Just unload as you need to.
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Old 05-08-2017, 07:06 PM
  # 122 (permalink)  
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You are showing amazing strength Del staying sober through all of the life difficulties being thrown your way. I hope you can find the support legally and socially that you need.

FBL, I am sorry to hear of your brother's problems. Hopefully, he can find his way through and will turn to you for guidance and support in his time of stress and anxiety. It is wonderful that you share such a relationship with him.

Sleep well all.
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Old 05-08-2017, 07:12 PM
  # 123 (permalink)  
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support Del
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Old 05-08-2017, 07:36 PM
  # 124 (permalink)  
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Hi all!

Carlos - It sounds like JG really enjoys your company, and shows it with kind, sweet actions. You can't go wrong with an impromptu dinner invitation!!

Stargazer - Your hours sound very taxing and demanding. I've found that things that exhausted me when I first got sober don't bother me as much as they used to though.

Courage - I've been using your tool to think about the inner life of the people who I typically let bother me/ wreck my serenity. I did it a lot on Sunday at a daylong lacrosse tournament.

Fbl - You are a terrific brother. I admire that you are truly "there" for your family.

Del - Wow, you have so much going on. A supportive sponsor would be ideal, but I think that even one who's less hands on could help you work through the steps.

Your life sounds complicated right now and you sound so overwhelmed. First things first. First, let go of what you can't control. Your ex, his decisions.

Then, focus on what you can. Make a list of what you need to do. Take things one at a time. Some of those things you can attend to right away, and other things will take more time.

A quick win is calling your doctor and pharmacy to straighten out your prescriptions. You need medication to be healthy.

Reach out to your lawyers. Write the email you need to send. Set up an appointment to find out what support you can reasonably demand from your ex.

Take some time to strategize about other employment options. This will take some time and effort. It won't all straighten out overnight.

You're making great progress as seen by your choice to keep on keeping on instead of saying eff it. You can do this. One day at a time.
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Old 05-09-2017, 03:20 AM
  # 125 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the kind words. I have two older twin brothers. They are six years older than me. I'm now close to both of them, but the one that's now having problems is the one that I was closest to growing up. He always got stuck babysitting me when we were kids and I was always tagging along with him, but he never seemed to mind. I really looked up to him then, and still do now. He says he always felt closer to me than his own twin. That's why it's so hard to see him suffer now. He's been through this type of thing once before and hopefully he can come out of it again.
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Old 05-09-2017, 04:47 AM
  # 126 (permalink)  
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Hey, good morning all!

Today is May 9th, National Lost Sock Memorial day, so lets please all take a moment to reflect give honor to those lost pieces of hosiery and their mates, forever adrift in a drawer,,,,,

Badge
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Old 05-09-2017, 04:58 AM
  # 127 (permalink)  
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Hi All,

Thanks for kind words and thoughts about JG.

FBL, my best to your brother as he works towards a solution.

DZ, positive vibes to you as you work through things.

Our AA meeting was hijacked by talk of depression, meds, therapy and a multitude of personal issues shared by the chairperson.

A couple oldtimers were upset that it was not alcohol related and offered prayer, work the steps, call your sponsor....seek medical help and accept their diagnosis.

Many other more empathetic shares were about their own experience, strength and hope. A few shared directly to the personal issues that this chair person presented.

The chair is no spring chicken...approaching 32 years of sobriety.

In the end, our love for this chair shown through and he got to personally vent a storm of mental health issues he is feeling.

My takeaway was that when in doubt, seek respected outside opinions, in and out of the rooms, and, be sure to include my HP. The one person to give as little time to as possible in solving these issues is myself. When I call myself on the phone, I always hear exactly what I want to hear, and, most of the time, it is the resolve I've already figured out....yeah, that's worked like a lead balloon in the past.

Recovery is teaching me to be more open minded - but, it sure is meeting up with a formidable long-time foe along the way.

Tuesday...getting it started with some strong a** coffee and a clear sober path for the day.

SR Carlos

Badge, I've taken to tossing those lost-sole-comforters. RIP
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:48 AM
  # 128 (permalink)  
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Carlos, I hope your friendship w/the Jersey Girl continues to grow.

Glee, I'm glad my tool is helping you. The only danger is if you enjoy it -- I discovered it quite by accident when I was in a bad way a long time ago with another person, and I looked at that person and blurted out, "you're as f*ed up as I am." I'm no better than all the others in the world of confusion.

I entirely missed yesterday. I was awakened at about 4 a.m. by a severe attack of vertigo. I couldn't move without provoking a strong spinning sensation. When I got up to pee, I almost fell down several times, and ended up having to crawl. It didn't get better by 10 a.m., so I went to the hospital. I slept a lot. I'm still kind of woozy and get little spinnies if I'm not careful of my head movements but it's better. The worst was it was so scary! Full 90 degree tilts back and forth with almost any movement! Fortunately it's a benign condition that responds to some physical maneuvers I can do on my own.
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:55 AM
  # 129 (permalink)  
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It looks like some of my post disappeared. I wanted to say

FBL, thanks for sharing about your brother. My brother has some similar issues, but alas, I've been harboring a resentment against him for many years and haven't shown the sympathy I maybe should. I hope your brother finds some peace, and I'm glad that he has you.

((Deliza)) you really have a lot to handle. I'm sorry for your troubles. I agree w/Carlos about seeking outside help. Definitely get an appointment with the lawyer, and also maybe you can arrange coffee w/someone in AA other than your sponsor? Not to talk in deep confidence, but to get some perspective from a person who seems to have good recovery.

Also, if I were you, I'd back off that person you give rides to. You really have enough on your plate. However, that's me, Ms. Back-off.

You might try to make a list of all the problems you wrote about and categorizing them as Feelings (like resentments), Real Things, and Things-that-might-Happen. And then make action steps for each. It might help?
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:57 AM
  # 130 (permalink)  
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Last thing -- maybe next thread we should go to another acronym.
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Old 05-09-2017, 08:17 AM
  # 131 (permalink)  
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My mind reels with suggestions,, but maybe one would be "POWER!"

I can't think of an applicable acronym.

I'm sorry to hear about the horrible vertigo, Cour.

I like your advice about the category lists. Those would go a long way toward alleviating the feeling of being completely overwhelmed with cares.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:06 PM
  # 132 (permalink)  
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People Of Wholehearted, Encouraging Recovery.

yes I thesaurased the shiz out of that.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:30 PM
  # 133 (permalink)  
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Thesaurasized? Thesaurathized?
Spell check agrees not with any of the above.

Also, reddit makes my day better.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:45 PM
  # 134 (permalink)  
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Thethaurathize.

Like "pajazz, you're a dinosaur with a lisp!"
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:30 PM
  # 135 (permalink)  
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FBL, I'm sorry to hear about your brother's struggles. You are a great brother, I agree. Unfortunately I sit in the same boat as courage. I was once close to my brother but wallowing and working on my resentment towards him. Good sibling relationships are so special. I also feel for him because I have had anxiety issues my whole life. I was openly reflecting at the last couple meetings I've been to that I have social anxiety- it's gotten a lot better with work, medication and therapy and obviously- not drinking. But it's still there for me and comes in waves. I hope he finds some peace soon. Thinking of you guys.

Courage, that's crummy about the vertigo- I'm so sorry. Do you get this often or know what causes it??
And the thinking about your tool and what you said about how you found it and enjoyed using it... (hahaha, so sorry, my apologies.. ) It took me a long time and still takes me time to turn that around and think, you know, everyone's got their crap, and more often than not, my crap is no more than a passing thought if anything in their minds. Yep yep yep, one needs not be an addict to be all f'ed up. A good example of that is my ex's ex wife. She has now lost primary custody (not sure if it's all court ordered yet) of all 3 of her kids. It's an unfortunate and sad thing, and she has deeply hurt her oldest by her behaviour and actions. She doesn't have any addictions issues- she is just straight up f'ed up like you say. I feel for her. She's been through a lot and has caused a lot. The sad thing to me is that say someone like her, doesn't have a substance abuse problem, so the outside world is the problem, not her. We have all talked about it and see it in our lives, so many people not in recovery are often as sick as or sicker than we are or were. It's just a generalization. Anyways. I feel for her. I struggled long enough with mental health problems which eventually turned into an alcohol problem. I always try to be kind, you never know how you affect someone else where they're at at that point in time.
Except for in traffic. I am the BEST driver and all the rest of the world are aholes. (PS thank you God for letting me keep a nice clean driving record through all my drinking years) (now who's the ahole??) But seriously. Traffic.

Carlos- I love your story about forays in dating. So much starsprinkle in it, it makes me happy and giddy to read. I hope things continue on on the path they are. Thanks for sharing with us!

Glee and everyone, thanks for the encouraging words, deeply!
Things happen in certain ways, at certain times, for certain reasons I guess.. I posted what I needed to when I needed and heard all I needed to.
Yesterday the meds were sorted out by the day end so that was a quick win.
Today instead of carrying on the party, I rolled out of bed around 7 and decided I was going to do a walk-in appt with my counselor. She was available after 9 so I started off writing out my letter to my lawyer regarding my son, which I am still in the middle of as I want it to be thorough. Funnily enough, midway through the day I happened to get an email from my new lawyer. So a good reminder to finish that up today.

My counselor is so awesome, I cannot speak highly enough of her. When she saw me in at 9, she apologized as she was stuck in a staff meeting but to come back at 10 if I could and she wouldn't take anyone else in until after I'd seen her.
We quickly rattled through the big issues and my reactions/actions to them.
She agrees, regardless of my relationship with my ex, I need to file the papers with the courts, all resentments aside. He has financial responsibilities that are signed and notarized and I will not let myself be taken advantage of anymore around this.
The sponsorship issue- some people just don't mesh. I've settled on it and accepted it, that maybe she is not the right one for me. We came up with a few ideas to put to work, I am kind of looking forward to seeing what the outcome will be. Really I need to put myself out there more, be more outspoken about what I need and she said WRITE A LIST OF WHAT YOU WANT IN A SPONSOR! Wow. Mind=blown.

She echoed the things I've known, thought and said in the past... how have I gotten this far? I said on a wing and a prayer... I've gotten this far. So, I will just keep on going and doing the next right thing and instead of seeing only the rock and the hard place, I have to remember to REMEMBER that there is also, a front, back, up and down if I need to find my way out of this rock & hard place.
My reaction of having to move a province away was and is unrealistic. I would be cutting myself off at the knees and landing myself back in a toxic environment. Even if I can't foresee how this is going to work- I will figure it out.
So she helped me cut through the mental crap pretty quickly and sent me out with a plan of action (because she says, sorry to say, but you are pretty damn good at them. Ha.)
So now I've touched all 3 bases- writing, talking and doing. SO . I am keeping on keeping on. No rainbow and daisy poops but it's a massive step forward from yesterday. All things being equal, I am getting REALLY good at letting the pity party happen, shutting it down after an appropriate time and not associating it with risky business. As soon as I hit that bottom of I just can't handle this anymore, I am so stuck, FML and all that, and I know I can't feel much worse UNLESS I drink, that's when I know, this WILL pass, if I choose to do something about. So I went to bed and started the day a little different.

So my smaller challenge for the next little while is getting out in the community more and making close friends who become good supports, whether it be through sponsorship, fellowship or church communities. People to help me with Charlie, people to help me to through and sort out my feelings without being judgmental. Up for the challenge.

Cour, today I drove MissT to her court date in the city an hour away. It took up my day, but I don't regret it. I was her lifeline and her only support today. I did not testify on her behalf. She is going to do jail time. Her sentencing date is mid June meaning, her kids will still be in school. This is her second time in jail.
I spent about 3 hours sharing my own ES&H with her, just reiterating all the things that worked for me all I've tried, where I've come from, etc. Today really put things in perspective for me. It could always be a lot worse than we have it right at this moment. Even she thinks that about her own situation. It's really tough, there's nothing anyone can do to fix it, but she is also fortunate in many ways I need not spell out.
She's struggling with the F it thoughts today, because she's going to jail anyways and so who cares?
I said, you do. Call me anytime day or night. No drinking today.

So, I keep my table alcohol-free so other friends can sit and be comfortable and safe around me.
Andheretothencefore, I did not, and shall not, drink today.

Power.
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Old 05-09-2017, 08:42 PM
  # 136 (permalink)  
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Wow Deliza. Thanks for making my day. Just by being around. Don't ever give up!
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Old 05-09-2017, 09:50 PM
  # 137 (permalink)  
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Haha, courage, aww, nah. Golly. Thanks.
I'd be lost if I didn't come stand in this corner of SR at least once a day.
Even if I don't respond to everyone I always read what everyone is saying and going through.
Sometimes, I think I am starting to understand this, adulting, sober, thing (with many thanks to the wonderful company kept and wisdom shared around here)
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Old 05-10-2017, 07:45 AM
  # 138 (permalink)  
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You seem to have amazing self realization of yourself Delizadee! Being aware and actually taking steps to improve your life is huge.

Courage, sorry about the vertigo. It sounds very scary. Does your doctor know what causes this?

I work a lot of hours like many here, so my days off need to be pretty productive around the house. Somehow, I managed to fritter the day away not accomplishing much. I realized at the end of the day that I slipped back into my alcoholic way of thinking, where even the smallest task seemed insurmountable. Usually, by early afternoon, I'd be drunk enough that the day would be a total waste, so might as well keep drinking. I just could not focus and had no drive. It was a walking through quicksand kind of day mentally, if that makes any sense.

I had zero thoughts of drinking yesterday, but it still surprised me that this type of thinking still pops up for me from time to time. I chalked it up to exhaustion, and plan to make today more productive. One thing I have learned from sobriety is that it is pointless to beat oneself up for small things in life. Today is another day, with another set of opportunities, as long as we don't drink.

Hope and support to everyone struggling with major life issues out there. Remember no matter how challenging it seems, drinking will only make things worse.
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Old 05-10-2017, 07:56 AM
  # 139 (permalink)  
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Hi Stargazer -- because my memory's a sieve, I make a lot of lists, and sometimes get neurotic when, on a day off, I don't get a lot of the personal things (like groceries) done. This site taught me about duvet days. Sometimes it's really mentally necessary to allow yourself to get next-to-nothing done and rest. I think drinking used to provide a mental buffer that alcoholics need, and staying sober requires learning how turn things down for a while without a drink.

The vertigo is caused by something in my ear that's too complicated to care about. It's benign & goes away with some simple physical therapy. Unfortunately it's back this morning though not nearly so badly. The problem is I'm afraid to shower. I took a little tub bath but I'm still kind of grungy. And I'm afraid to walk to work. I've been working from home but I can't do that tomorrow.

I think maybe if I stay home in the mornings and do these exercises until this is completely cleared, I'll be ok going out in the afternoons.
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Old 05-10-2017, 09:02 AM
  # 140 (permalink)  
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Sg , I can totally relate today. I woke up absolutely exhausted this morning. So I am having a partial duvet day. Me and peanut are in bed and I'm drinking coffee and Netflix cartoons while I do some Sr posting to do my daily recovery work of some sort.
Tonight is my favorite na meeting and I'm strangely really excited about it.

I still have to deal with my legal stuff today so I'm glad this is not a total empty day. I have to knock those things off my list. 2.5 more days til back to 7 days of work.

Jeez courage, that really sucks!! If I was there, I'd put you in a shopping cart and push you to work (seems more fun and stylish than a wheelchair, or say a cab?) Can you sit and shower? I don't care for baths but I remember crawling into the shower and sitting and washing myself when I was going through withdrawals so bad that I was totally cramped and rigid and could hardly move.

Alternatively, a good looking nurse and a sooner bath?

My irritation from yesterday is my landlords giving me a few hours notice only if any before coming over or sending someone here to do work. By law they are supposed to give 24 hours notice. I've been both a tenant and landlord long enough to know the residential tenancies act in and out.
Just irritated and makes me want to be snarky.
But that's not me and I want a good rental reference when I move.
Sigh. I wish I could traffic them.
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