F.I.S.T. #3 (Insert Non-Acronymical Nonsense Expression)
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Quiet round here. For the lack of a glimmer ....
If you're lurking, Gilmer, I hope you're ok. We're sending you good thoughts & prayers, though we can't see you.
Yesterday was a pretty spring day here and people were eating at sidewalk tables --which they love to do in Manhattan, kind of foolishly even when the weather chills their food and the street noise is horrible. I saw a couple each with a freshed-poured beer in a tall glass. Now I didn't prefer beer back in the day, still I found myself idly wondering, was it really true that I'd never again enjoy a tall beer on a warm spring day in the sun?
After all, beer wasn't my drink of choice.
Snort.
I had no drug/drink of choice (DOC). It was all good if it hit the addict spot & could be abused. Some things just hit the spot quicker than others. Most of the drugs I never tried hadn't been invented when I was using, and it would be fun (but not soberly healthy) to try to name a kind of booze that none of us here in F.I.S.T. had indulged in at least a few times. So let's call it the drug or drink on hand. DOH!
I was not one of those people for whom substance use led me to addiction. From day 1, I wanted to abuse substances, so I did.
Sober today.
If you're lurking, Gilmer, I hope you're ok. We're sending you good thoughts & prayers, though we can't see you.
Yesterday was a pretty spring day here and people were eating at sidewalk tables --which they love to do in Manhattan, kind of foolishly even when the weather chills their food and the street noise is horrible. I saw a couple each with a freshed-poured beer in a tall glass. Now I didn't prefer beer back in the day, still I found myself idly wondering, was it really true that I'd never again enjoy a tall beer on a warm spring day in the sun?
After all, beer wasn't my drink of choice.
Snort.
I had no drug/drink of choice (DOC). It was all good if it hit the addict spot & could be abused. Some things just hit the spot quicker than others. Most of the drugs I never tried hadn't been invented when I was using, and it would be fun (but not soberly healthy) to try to name a kind of booze that none of us here in F.I.S.T. had indulged in at least a few times. So let's call it the drug or drink on hand. DOH!
I was not one of those people for whom substance use led me to addiction. From day 1, I wanted to abuse substances, so I did.
Sober today.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
We miss you Gilmer!
Long day at work. Everyone in the house is asleep. This is when I used to drink with impunity sitting in front of the computer. Just to unwind, I would tell myself, before staggering to bed hours later.
Courage, it's a description like the one that you spoke of that tugs on me gently from time to time. Wouldn't it be good to have a beer in the sun? Well, I had thirty some years of drinking and I no longer have that option open. I see the total folly of it. My AV would love to see it happen though, and keeps those thoughts alive.
Off to bed. Have a good Sunday and Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mom's in SR land!
Long day at work. Everyone in the house is asleep. This is when I used to drink with impunity sitting in front of the computer. Just to unwind, I would tell myself, before staggering to bed hours later.
Courage, it's a description like the one that you spoke of that tugs on me gently from time to time. Wouldn't it be good to have a beer in the sun? Well, I had thirty some years of drinking and I no longer have that option open. I see the total folly of it. My AV would love to see it happen though, and keeps those thoughts alive.
Off to bed. Have a good Sunday and Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mom's in SR land!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Del - Sounds like the lil ones miss you.
Gil - I hope all is well. I miss you!
The house feels like home rather than like I'm in the middle of a dream, but there's still a lot to do to make it my home, like picking paint colors, choosing where to permanently place the furniture, choosing what to hang on the walls. I'm working on enjoying the process, rather than put pressure on myself to make it perfect right away. Working round the clock without a break has only ever led me to seeking escape.
Happy Mother's Day Courage, Gilmer, Del, and Leigh. To any mom I inadvertently missed, you too!
Gil - I hope all is well. I miss you!
The house feels like home rather than like I'm in the middle of a dream, but there's still a lot to do to make it my home, like picking paint colors, choosing where to permanently place the furniture, choosing what to hang on the walls. I'm working on enjoying the process, rather than put pressure on myself to make it perfect right away. Working round the clock without a break has only ever led me to seeking escape.
Happy Mother's Day Courage, Gilmer, Del, and Leigh. To any mom I inadvertently missed, you too!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Yesterday was about 90% horrible with the difficult one after being away for a week. Thinking of quitting again. Really takes the shine off of being missed by the kids.
Also, in other news I am unimpressed and not joining in these games.
Does drinking copious amounts of coffee, gingerale and bubbly water count as abusing substances?
5 more days yeah til 4 days off. Probably most of it to myself, blegh. Too much time on hand alone makes for sketchy mind space and poor decisions, no matter how many meetings I go to.
But still, I don't drink or use! And definitely won't today.
Ahoy, mateys.
Also, in other news I am unimpressed and not joining in these games.
Does drinking copious amounts of coffee, gingerale and bubbly water count as abusing substances?
5 more days yeah til 4 days off. Probably most of it to myself, blegh. Too much time on hand alone makes for sketchy mind space and poor decisions, no matter how many meetings I go to.
But still, I don't drink or use! And definitely won't today.
Ahoy, mateys.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
stargazer, my sponsor used to say that -- "no longer have that option." I like it -- that card got played! 
glee -- take your time decorating but not too much time. My husband & I have been in our current digs 6 years and haven't hung a picture yet. It's on the list!
((del)) I'm sorry you had a hard day. Upcoming 4 days off, sketchy mind, poor decisions -- what kind of goals might you set for yourself to avoid that? Not talking house-cleaning or clearing up legal. Make a collage of things you love?
Gilmer says that all's well with her but she misses all the "FISHmongers"
glee -- take your time decorating but not too much time. My husband & I have been in our current digs 6 years and haven't hung a picture yet. It's on the list!
((del)) I'm sorry you had a hard day. Upcoming 4 days off, sketchy mind, poor decisions -- what kind of goals might you set for yourself to avoid that? Not talking house-cleaning or clearing up legal. Make a collage of things you love?
Gilmer says that all's well with her but she misses all the "FISHmongers"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Gilmer - Hello! Glad you're well!
Del - Take time to do the things you enjoy. A hike, a movie, book, a cup of coffee, whatever you enjoy. All of them if you enjoy all of them. Happiness, peace and serenity are the direct result of my actions, no one else's.
Happy Mothers Day to all the moms celebrating today! I had a nice day with my mom. She's getting less crazy and so am I.
Del - Take time to do the things you enjoy. A hike, a movie, book, a cup of coffee, whatever you enjoy. All of them if you enjoy all of them. Happiness, peace and serenity are the direct result of my actions, no one else's.
Happy Mothers Day to all the moms celebrating today! I had a nice day with my mom. She's getting less crazy and so am I.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,846
Short, but busy work week ahead. I'm taking off on Friday as I have to drive 350 miles back to Minnesota. Looking forward to guesting on a friend's radio show late Friday night, then taking Mom out on Saturday to celebrate her 80th birthday!
Have a great week, gang!
Have a great week, gang!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
That sounds like fun, FBL -- even the 350 miles to Minnesota in the spring part.
Headline here: I'm reading a book! Actually reading paragraphs and turning pages in sequence and following a story (mostly). Not a story so familiar I can basically read with my eyes closed. I stopped being able to follow unfamiliar written narrative, sometime in or before 2012. This is big
Headline here: I'm reading a book! Actually reading paragraphs and turning pages in sequence and following a story (mostly). Not a story so familiar I can basically read with my eyes closed. I stopped being able to follow unfamiliar written narrative, sometime in or before 2012. This is big
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Courage - I am so happy to read that.
I'm significantly more helpful than I used to be. When I first got sober I had zero motivation to do anything beyond the bare necessities.
Today I ran an errand in the middle of the work day. It was an all around frustrating experience. With each obstacle I encountered, I took some deep breaths. After it was complete, I thanked my higher power for allowing me to be of service to my family.
!
I'm significantly more helpful than I used to be. When I first got sober I had zero motivation to do anything beyond the bare necessities.
Today I ran an errand in the middle of the work day. It was an all around frustrating experience. With each obstacle I encountered, I took some deep breaths. After it was complete, I thanked my higher power for allowing me to be of service to my family.
!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Sounds like a fun weekend FBL. Snow shouldn't be a problem for your drive, and hopefully no car issues will pop up. What type of music is your friend's radio show?
Courage, I totally gave up reading while drinking. I'd pick up a book and reread the same page over and over again. Or, I would have to reread whatever I read the night before, because I would not remember any of it. And each book I picked up had blurry words in it.
Hang in Del, your four days off await!
Exhausted after a long work week. I'm glad to have the next two days off, but I have tons to get accomplished. I don't know if I can squeeze a duvet day in this week.
I have had several SR friends stumble and relapse recently. It's been weighing on my mind a bit. I feel frustrated that I can't really do anything to help, though I could see at least one coming for awhile. It is an individual choice for each of us, I guess.
When I quit, I thought that the world would be full of rainbows and unicorns from that point on, metaphorically speaking. At my point of sobriety, I realize the world is what it is, the only difference is how I respond to it. Each day I add to my sobriety, the anguish of drinking fades in my mind just a little more. I think it was Courage whom was mentioning a cold beer on a warm day. There will always be a tiny thought coming from my AV that maybe, just maybe, I could come back to alcohol and control it. Or, if faced with daunting life challenges, say screw it and drink to escape the stress, like how I always dealt with everything. Crazy thinking on both counts, but it underscores for me just how sneaky this disease is. It's always looking to steal the progress we have attained since dropping drinking from our lives. I know my life is better in every way not drinking. I am a better parent, spouse, coworker and overall person not drinking. No matter how difficult life is, we all intellectually know that picking up the bottle again is not going to end well. This disease truly is one day at a time. I admit, it is much easier at two years than it was at two weeks or two months, but the danger is always at our doorstep.
I don't mean to be a downer, it's just seeing friends succumb again reminds me of the enormity of our lifetime endeavor of sobriety. It's not easy, but with the support of the great folks here, we hopefully can continue to enjoy the second chance at life that we gave ourselves when we decided to try our Day Ones!
Courage, I totally gave up reading while drinking. I'd pick up a book and reread the same page over and over again. Or, I would have to reread whatever I read the night before, because I would not remember any of it. And each book I picked up had blurry words in it.
Hang in Del, your four days off await!
Exhausted after a long work week. I'm glad to have the next two days off, but I have tons to get accomplished. I don't know if I can squeeze a duvet day in this week.
I have had several SR friends stumble and relapse recently. It's been weighing on my mind a bit. I feel frustrated that I can't really do anything to help, though I could see at least one coming for awhile. It is an individual choice for each of us, I guess.
When I quit, I thought that the world would be full of rainbows and unicorns from that point on, metaphorically speaking. At my point of sobriety, I realize the world is what it is, the only difference is how I respond to it. Each day I add to my sobriety, the anguish of drinking fades in my mind just a little more. I think it was Courage whom was mentioning a cold beer on a warm day. There will always be a tiny thought coming from my AV that maybe, just maybe, I could come back to alcohol and control it. Or, if faced with daunting life challenges, say screw it and drink to escape the stress, like how I always dealt with everything. Crazy thinking on both counts, but it underscores for me just how sneaky this disease is. It's always looking to steal the progress we have attained since dropping drinking from our lives. I know my life is better in every way not drinking. I am a better parent, spouse, coworker and overall person not drinking. No matter how difficult life is, we all intellectually know that picking up the bottle again is not going to end well. This disease truly is one day at a time. I admit, it is much easier at two years than it was at two weeks or two months, but the danger is always at our doorstep.
I don't mean to be a downer, it's just seeing friends succumb again reminds me of the enormity of our lifetime endeavor of sobriety. It's not easy, but with the support of the great folks here, we hopefully can continue to enjoy the second chance at life that we gave ourselves when we decided to try our Day Ones!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
That was a great post Sg, a good reminder. Flexing my gratitude muscle now.
Don't think you're being a downer at all.
Much better to look those thoughts in the eyeball and see them stripped down for the bare naked ugly truths that they are. My last relapse was like.. what the hell are you doing?? You know you are one drink too many from throwing yourself off the cliff...
I know my first two months seemed to stretch on forever until days started flying by. I don't have that security of time and healing under my belt yet so I keep pretty vigilant. I usually hear what I need to hear and I think that was just the perfect thing for me tonight so thank you.
I skipped out on tonight's meeting because I have developed negative feelings about bringing my little one to closed meetings.
I can get my fill in on the weekend but I am going to work on the me time thing. I realize my down time is either filled with duvet day or to-do stuff and I skip over things I should or want to do for myself because I enjoy it. Hm, something to ponder.
I like the book reading idea... I love books. I was the same way towars the end of my drinking too. Reread things over and over again.. combine how drunks read with my habit of skim/speed reading- I read lots and retained very little. Movies and shows I have zero recollection of.
Talking about seeing friends relapse, or even people we know from the different communities we are a part of, be it SR, a fellowship, church, whatever.. I remember how I used to let my AV have that as a free pass. "Well, if he relapsed after 25 years of sobriety, what is even the point?? And HOW does that even happen?" Hearing at meetings of people who are almost or more than twice my age going through multiple rehabs and relapses, the one that sticks out in my head is the lady who took her own life at the women's group I attended. I am too afraid to try and even really think about going back. It was such a small group and one I so desperately relief on when I got out of treatment. She was a frequent at that meeting and a huge champion of our being in treatment, she really cheered us on and had kind things to say.
Most of all, I am afraid of walking up to closed doors. Our government funding keeps getting cut for such important community services and I've seen so many programs that really got my recovery off to a great start last year shut down due to lack of funding. It's hard getting a foothold that feels solid one day and the next you find nothing to stand on.
But you're right, it's a choice just like the choice to how to respond to the world. Life of life's terms.
"Anguish of drinking" really sums it up perfectly. I have scheduled my step 5 for the end of the month. I was nervous to do it at first, but I wont be again until the day comes. I will just jump in head first ready to pour my heart out. I hope I will have the courage to be honest and free myself from the bondage of the secrets and my own flaws I have carried as long as I can remember.
No longer defined by my past nor a victim of it.
FBL, I love road trips. That's cool you are going to be on the radio. What's the show about? I will have to google maps that. I have a rough idea where Minneapolis is. Like, somewhere in the upper midwest corner of the US. Not like way up. Like middleish? Just guessing. I'll check it out.
Is that the same state where the big arch is? Like St Louis? Or am I getting my bridges crossed? Anyhow. Ignorant Canadian that I am.
I try.
Well I have a dagger through my left brow pointed to the bottom of my left bottom side of head and some photophobia which is making me grumpy.
I fed my fish today. I think I fed the kids. Or at least I tried. Netflix and chill time. 2nd day hair no shower feeling like a scrub. Sushi and pizza for supper.
Lawyer called today and missed her, to set up a phone appointment.
To do, to do, to do.
All in all, I think it was a sober win?
No drink drank or drunk for me today.
Golmer I hope you come back soon.
hahaha Golmer. I think I'll just leave it like that smooches!
Don't think you're being a downer at all.
Much better to look those thoughts in the eyeball and see them stripped down for the bare naked ugly truths that they are. My last relapse was like.. what the hell are you doing?? You know you are one drink too many from throwing yourself off the cliff...
I know my first two months seemed to stretch on forever until days started flying by. I don't have that security of time and healing under my belt yet so I keep pretty vigilant. I usually hear what I need to hear and I think that was just the perfect thing for me tonight so thank you.
I skipped out on tonight's meeting because I have developed negative feelings about bringing my little one to closed meetings.
I can get my fill in on the weekend but I am going to work on the me time thing. I realize my down time is either filled with duvet day or to-do stuff and I skip over things I should or want to do for myself because I enjoy it. Hm, something to ponder.
I like the book reading idea... I love books. I was the same way towars the end of my drinking too. Reread things over and over again.. combine how drunks read with my habit of skim/speed reading- I read lots and retained very little. Movies and shows I have zero recollection of.
Talking about seeing friends relapse, or even people we know from the different communities we are a part of, be it SR, a fellowship, church, whatever.. I remember how I used to let my AV have that as a free pass. "Well, if he relapsed after 25 years of sobriety, what is even the point?? And HOW does that even happen?" Hearing at meetings of people who are almost or more than twice my age going through multiple rehabs and relapses, the one that sticks out in my head is the lady who took her own life at the women's group I attended. I am too afraid to try and even really think about going back. It was such a small group and one I so desperately relief on when I got out of treatment. She was a frequent at that meeting and a huge champion of our being in treatment, she really cheered us on and had kind things to say.
Most of all, I am afraid of walking up to closed doors. Our government funding keeps getting cut for such important community services and I've seen so many programs that really got my recovery off to a great start last year shut down due to lack of funding. It's hard getting a foothold that feels solid one day and the next you find nothing to stand on.
But you're right, it's a choice just like the choice to how to respond to the world. Life of life's terms.
"Anguish of drinking" really sums it up perfectly. I have scheduled my step 5 for the end of the month. I was nervous to do it at first, but I wont be again until the day comes. I will just jump in head first ready to pour my heart out. I hope I will have the courage to be honest and free myself from the bondage of the secrets and my own flaws I have carried as long as I can remember.
No longer defined by my past nor a victim of it.
FBL, I love road trips. That's cool you are going to be on the radio. What's the show about? I will have to google maps that. I have a rough idea where Minneapolis is. Like, somewhere in the upper midwest corner of the US. Not like way up. Like middleish? Just guessing. I'll check it out.
Is that the same state where the big arch is? Like St Louis? Or am I getting my bridges crossed? Anyhow. Ignorant Canadian that I am.
I try. Well I have a dagger through my left brow pointed to the bottom of my left bottom side of head and some photophobia which is making me grumpy.
I fed my fish today. I think I fed the kids. Or at least I tried. Netflix and chill time. 2nd day hair no shower feeling like a scrub. Sushi and pizza for supper.
Lawyer called today and missed her, to set up a phone appointment.
To do, to do, to do.
All in all, I think it was a sober win?
No drink drank or drunk for me today.
Golmer I hope you come back soon.
hahaha Golmer. I think I'll just leave it like that
smooches!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Originally Posted by Delizadee 
All in all, I think it was a sober win?
Gleefan, congratulations on each act of helpfulness. Addiction is very selfish, and it's not like a person becomes immediately thoughtful of and useful to others just because they're sober. I could be much better in that regard.
Thanks for that great post, stargazer. The thought of relapse is scary. Just last night I got all excited about reading one single silly book, and that led me to think next I'd tackle Tristram Shandy for the umpteenth time, and that led me almost as far as my acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize for literature, which led me to think I felt so good I'd like a drink.
My little grey cells do a lot of things that they don't tell me about -- kinda like Deliza's disobedient child -- some of them get up to the top of my twisted mental monkey bars when I'm looking away. It isn't often a problem anymore, but I wish the naughty cells just weren't there.
But, I don't expect they'll ever die off completely. So, I take those thoughts seriously, remember how far I've come in a few years, and move forward on the same course -- towards health, honesty, and self-respect.
Communicating with you all refreshes my commitment to a sober life.
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