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Class of October 2015 Part 4

Old 12-07-2015, 12:45 AM
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I want an avatar!!! How do i do that,, showing my age..
Midton fan bloody fantastic.. 3 months is not a small feat you should be proud of that.. I would/will!! When you say you get a desire to drink is it at a specific time/place/situation or does it happen out of the blue? I dont have cravings at all but I can relate to thinking about booze when I am in a place where other people are drinking and " having a good time".. Why why do I have this illness it makes me think , I have say to myself that Its not worth having a drink and change my thought pattern..will I be strong enough, determined enough to stay sober? at the moment yes I will.
Midton you been here since 2009, what is the longest you been sober for?is it this time 3 months?
DEE- how long have you been sober?. You are so strong and smart!!!
Just had dinner and back in bed, going to read and have an early night..
Good night Ocsobers, until tomorrow
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Old 12-07-2015, 01:19 AM
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sober since 2007 sydneyman

here's the lowdown on avatars
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...your-name.html

D
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Old 12-07-2015, 02:13 AM
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Syd,

I actually messed up, 3 months was yesterday. In 2009 I got about 100 days. Since then the longest has been about 6/7 weeks. I usually make a month every so often. This time though something has clicked. Even though I want to drink it will be hard to actually drink as I don't want to lose what I've gained.


Basically when I'm tired at work I get massive cravings. I kind of promise myself that I will drink at the weekend but when the weekend comes I don't want to. It's strange I don't want to drink as much as I want to drink.
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Old 12-07-2015, 05:24 AM
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Hey all,great job Midton😁!! Sydneyman,I'm like you in that I don't really have cravings but I do get thoughts and moods for drinking,especially as Midton says when I'm tired,or with me to it's when I don't feel good,this weekend was like that,well not so much Sat but Sunday,meh,was babysitting and I just wanted to lay in bed but I got through ok,Looking,I understand what you're saying, you want to focus on living,that's great but if you do start feeling the pull,come back to your support,we'll be here,sometimes I feel like that too,that I focus too much on getting/staying sober,rather than focusing on life,I'm either reading about recovery, or researching it,sometimes I wish I just didn't think about it at all,anyways I hope we all have a great day😊
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Old 12-07-2015, 12:10 PM
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Thanks Dee.. This avatar sums me up...
Very inspirational Dee that is a very long time!Running late this morning so will check in later.. Hope you all fine..
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Old 12-07-2015, 04:02 PM
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(((Midton))) congrats! Awesome for you!
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Old 12-07-2015, 05:25 PM
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Ugh. I had a lot of drinking thoughts today. They started last night when I was lying in bed thinking about my significant other's upcoming move. He is moving to a different state next month, but my son and I are staying here. I got to thinking about all the responsibility I am going to have on me and pictured myself drinking wine at home at night to unwind. The upcoming move is a big reason why I stopped drinking a couple of months ago. I realized how much I was about to have on me to deal with all by myself and knew the best way to handle it is to be sober. But after I read looking's post this morning my AV was like you've got this, you can distance yourself and you'll be fine. So then off and on all day I entertained the thought of drinking sometimes in the future. I kept coming back to the thought of "you know that doesn't work for you! It never has! It is not going to go as smoothly as you envision it, grizzly!" It wasn't a craving to drink today. It was that pipe dream of maybe sometime in the future. I had that hit me hard right around the first month and really not much since then, but wow it was strong today. I am home, I am going to run, and I am not going to drink today. And I put this all in writing to get it out of my head! Wow, I didn't leave the group, but I was already headed for trouble just having that thought pop in my head. Thanks for being here for me : )
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Old 12-07-2015, 05:30 PM
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Sydneyman, cool avatar : )
Congrats Midton on 3 months!!! You are an inspiration to me : )
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Old 12-07-2015, 06:12 PM
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Thanks grizz.. I took the pic on one of my flights somewhere..
So grizz and what would having that drink solve? I Suspect where you may be coming from correct me if I am wrong. When I drank I used to look forward to my partner going away to see his mum for the weekend. Not that I dislike him but this gave me time to have a real special "relationship" with the bottle. I could drink whenever I wanted to. Middle of the night, first thing in the morning ( well I used to anyway) I could do whatever I wanted just me and best buddy named booze. And I did. I dont know how many sleeps I had on a saturday and sunday but each and everytime I woke up Inhad a glass in my hand within minutes again.pretty sad looking at it now from this side..
Grizz not saying this is what you are planning to do but your comments reminds me of me. So is it worth it, you know it yourself. You are a strong individual which you prove here every day. Dont drink and feel like crap and start from the beginning again. That high for 2-3 hours is not worth it.
I do understand where you are coming from. dont get me wrong.
I think that sobriety is lifelong journey and one is never fully healed to say that I can move on without support in some form. For me the support is in the form of SR.
Hope you had a good run!!!!
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Old 12-07-2015, 06:56 PM
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Midton, congrats on 3 months!! You're an inspiration!!

Grizzly, I'm glad you posted. I understand your feelings and it's good you got them out here. There is nothing positive to be gained by drinking, but you have to process what you're feeling, whatever it is.

Sydneyman, love the Avatar! It's very cool.

Looking4awagon, you added a lot to this group. I hate to see anyone go but certainly understand that we all have to follow our hearts/instincts when it comes to recovery.

Winslow, nice job you're doing great!!

I sadly followed my heart last night with 1/2 bottle of pinot noir. I was in a weird funk of a mood - I would say I was pretty depressed. This early darkness is depressing me - and sometimes I feel like I don't have too much left to live for (no significant other, no prospects on the horizon, and I like being alone now), my kids are here but they depress me a lot, my daughter is a major downer, yada yada yada, I was depressed. I know one night of feeling depressed doesn't constitute depression - I know this from my daughter's experience and the whole diagnosis of depression - but what I was feeling was depressed. I didn't enjoy the taste of the wine and stopped after a couple of glasses, kind of wanted to stop even sooner than I did. The wine made me a little sadder than when I started. Then I wanted to totally zone out so popped two anti-anxiety meds and really zonked out for a long time. It was what I wanted. But I woke up before midnight and changed my whole mind. I went and got the remaining 1/2 bottle of wine and poured it out on the grass, outside. I got out my journal and made a decision to be sober, that I didn't want this substance anymore. I wrote and wrote. It was the first time I think I made a decision to do this not on the day after but the night of, and without being hungover. It was the first conscious decision I have done to do this instead of reacting to a bad binge. I feel at peace with my decision and see that the alcohol buzz is not what I want / need and the calm feeling from my medicine IS what a want/need (and doesn't leave me with a hangover.)

I'm really far behind you all - you have all progressed so far. I'm just beginning, again, but feel like my Christmas 'miracle' just happened. I don't even feel bad about what happened - was reluctant to post it here, but decided to. I know we're supposed to feel badly when we relapse, and I usually do, but this time I just feel good. Because it's over and I can move on with my life.

I had a busy day at work. I'm going to be okay.
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Old 12-07-2015, 07:08 PM
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I'm glad you stayed sober Griz

I'm glad you're back with us too Juno - what are you going to do about your depression now?

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Old 12-07-2015, 07:26 PM
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Juno, it's like you had an epiphany! I'm really excited for you! Maybe that's what you needed to happen. Thank you very much for your post.
Sydneyman, you nailed it. I did think about how nobody would be around to see me drinking. Just me and my wine. I was thinking I could do it after my kiddo goes to bed at night. But that wouldn't last long because I'd quickly start hitting the bottle as soon as I got home from work. My son wouldn't say anything about my drinking, but he would know. The thought of doing that to him again makes me so sad. He's already put up with years of my drinking and drugging, and even though I was "good enough" when I needed to be, I was so absent and selfish when I was caught up in all of that. Wow, that's a strong pang of guilt I just felt. Drinking wouldn't solve anything. It just makes matters worse because with a hangover, I'm always having to play catch up. And I've made so much progress! I do not want to give that up. I want to see what else is in store for me. Thank you for the reality check! I really needed that : )
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Old 12-07-2015, 07:39 PM
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You are thinking so clear headed, Grizzly! You HAVE made so much progress and seem so strong!

As I wrote my post, it reminded me of something like "It's a Wonderful Life" where George Bailey didn't want to live anymore, then got a visit from the Guardian Angel. I wasn't suicidal by any means, but I wanted to blank out for a while and when I woke up, I wanted to live again. And live sober. Maybe it was the epiphany I needed! I decided to consider it my own miracle that I was looking for.

Thanks Dee, re: the depression, I think here's what I'm going to do:

1. Stop thinking of myself as super woman who doesn't need any medication; take my meds as prescribed by the doctor.
2. Use anti-anxiety meds (as prescribed to help with night time anxiety)/sleep.
3. Get on the treadmill as much as I can; get the endorphins going in my brain.
4. Look into getting one of those lights for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Right now my brain is in hibernation mode and I have been wanting to get in bed as soon as the sun goes down (which is like 5:00 pm right now). I realized the other night that I felt depressed. Those lights are easy to get on Amazon and have helped a lot of people, so I need to try and help myself.
5. Use my group therapy for strategies to look at the world differently instead of through a negative filter, like I have been doing.

Okay, I'm off to bed a reasonable time (10:40 pm ... not 5:00 pm ) Later all. Glad to have this group
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Old 12-07-2015, 09:59 PM
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Juno, it was a bummer but you stopped and back here again.. I did it and as you said perhaps its what we both needed.. This time around I am more determined and feel more in control. Yes take the medas as precribed by your doctor, no point self medicating!!! Best thing is not to get further down and depressed by it, it may make the situation worse..
I hear you, having lived in a country with almost constant darkness in winter is it is very difficlut mentally. It is no wonder really that alcoholism and suicide rates are sky high in Scandinavia.. Light therapy is a great way to deal with seasonal depression. My sister uses one..
So Juno, carry on and stick here with us..
Grizz- agreed, too much progress to even consider a drinking. Yes it could be an escape for a while but the consequences are not worth it.. Dont you love waking up sober in the morning . Remember how sick we used to get, the withdrawals and the start of counting days. Wondering if we ever could get through day 1,2 etc.. Celebrating a week.. We have all come so far. We really have .I am a changed person because of sobriety. Perhaps there is even better in store in the future but I am content and happy with myself at the moment..yes I want to lose more weight!!! Another 20lbs.. But I am happy with life, I am healthy, I have a job, a loving partner, own my own home and ok with $.. What is that booze could add to to my life.. Fun and excitement? No it doesnt add fun or excitement it adds misery and all the negatives that I have removed from my life.. I am new to sobriety and I am learning to know me.. I like myself and I think ones you do why go and change it,
I still compare smoking to drinking in my instance.. I havent smoked for years and think they stink and are revolting. I smoked for over 20 years. I truly wish that I will get the same opinion of booze one day. .
Stay sober guys
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:38 AM
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Sydneyman, you sound great. I, too, need to start counting my blessings for I do have many. Yeah, things didn't turn out as planned in my life but I've still got a lot of good things and can find a lot of joy. I feel like a change has come over me from my little epiphany moment/Christmas miracle. I want to lose some weight as well and plan to tackle that in the new year (right after Jan 1.). Just doesn't seem like I could fit that in right now with all the holiday stuff going on.

I'm not too worried about the day count right now and that is good. What's important is for me to pick a day to get and stay sober (which I did) and stay with it. I don't want to go into 2016 with any drinking habits remaining! So it's Day 2, but it's a good Day 2.

I will keep in touch here every day and see what you guys are up to. The holidays could be challenging for all of us - so let's keep posting and sharing here!

I'm a little happy because my daughter came into my room last night and expressed some joy about upcoming events and plans that we have. That made me feel hopeful. And I will absolutely look into buying one of those SAD lights - today - we are getting into the shortest days of the year here. Ironically, my daughter's birthday is Dec. 20 (one of the shortest days of the year )
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Old 12-08-2015, 05:58 AM
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I bought 3 different lights to try them all. I figure my daughter can use one, too Will let you know how they work out!
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Old 12-08-2015, 06:13 AM
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Hello friends, excellent posts😊 I was having a wobbly day yesterday too,so overtired and I came home to lay down before little g-son came over and thought of running real quick to get some beer! The thought started making me antsy but I was able to push those thoughts aside,I don't want to drink!! I simply want a reprieve from insomnia, anxiety,Christmas stress,etc,grrr,in my rational mind,I know drinking won't help,it's just when my mind wanders too far it messes me up,ever since the clocks changed I just don't sleep well,as Juno said its dark by 5 and I start getting soooo tired,last til 9 fall asleep then I'm up at 3,its b.s! Trying to think positive though,I've always had sleep probs,its just a bit worse now,sounds like everyone is doing great though😁 I hope we all have an excellent day!
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Old 12-08-2015, 10:57 AM
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Good morning from drizzly Sydney.Done my walk and I am in a foul mood. For some reason had a bad nights sleep kept on waking up and had broken sleep. Like the ones I used to have drunk. Feel hangover today and blah..I guess we cant feel good all the time. Well got to ride it out and have an early night tonight. Went to bed around 10pm which is late for me. Ended up talking with a friend of mine on the phone for an hour. She was going through **** at work so I was there to support and listen to her. I am hoping to get my blood test results back today or latest tomorrow.
Midton- took my blood pressure this morning as my doc took me off one of my pills . My reading this morning was 110/63.. I thought it was too low so went to Dr Google and apparently its pretty much perfect. I don't want it to go lower though.

Juno- good re the lights!! How you hanging on there?

Winslow- you are right you don't want that beer and feel like crap.
Grizz- how you going?

Not much to add, going to make our bfast and getting ready for work.
Have a good sober day all!
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:28 PM
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I'm good - thanks for asking Sydneyman.

I had my group therapy session today and we all were thinking the same thing - it feels much later in the week than Tuesday. We all were like, "It's only TUESDAY?!?" I guess that means it's been a long, tough week so far.

Work is very busy - way busier than it should be for so close to the holidays, in my opinion, but what do I know!

I just took a much needed hot, relaxing bath, got a rice, veggies and chicken dinner at Panda express, and pretty soon have to go grocery shopping, which I really don't like doing at all, probably least of all on a Tuesday night after a long day at work. But I'm complaining a lot - these are 'first world problems' that I have, LOL. I'm lucky to have money to buy food and a roof over my head and a nice bed to sleep in!

Okay guys, Day 2 is in the bag. I'm doing this, 100% in!!! Hope everyone is good tonight!
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Old 12-08-2015, 05:35 PM
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Syd,

That excellent blood pressure. I've stopped taking mine. I was taking it 3 times a day and doing deep breathing beforehand. It was consistently fine and the time was becoming a pain.

Juno,

I have a lot of confidence that you'll get there in the end as you keep getting back on the horse. You really want this.


The weather has been unusually sunny and around 13 degrees here. This seems to have helped my mood. I'm also sleeping unbelievably well. Things are going smoothly but I'm expecting cravings to begin either tonight or Thursday.

Last Sunday, after a dull, uneventful weekend I said to my wife that I might drink next Saturday. My, heavily AV influenced, reasoning was for health reasons. My fat loss has stalled and I believe it's down to the huge amount of calories of junk I eat on Saturdays. I figured that I would consume less calories in alcohol. The thing is I don't want to drink, I really don't. I can imagine me drinking, coming home and feeling I wish I hadn't drank. Things are going swimmingly and why would I want to change them.
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