Midton, congrats on 3 months!! You're an inspiration!!
Grizzly, I'm glad you posted. I understand your feelings and it's good you got them out here. There is nothing positive to be gained by drinking, but you have to process what you're feeling, whatever it is.
Sydneyman, love the Avatar! It's very cool.
Looking4awagon, you added a lot to this group. I hate to see anyone go but certainly understand that we all have to follow our hearts/instincts when it comes to recovery.
Winslow, nice job you're doing great!!
I sadly followed my heart last night with 1/2 bottle of pinot noir. I was in a weird funk of a mood - I would say I was pretty depressed. This early darkness is depressing me - and sometimes I feel like I don't have too much left to live for (no significant other, no prospects on the horizon, and I like being alone now), my kids are here but they depress me a lot, my daughter is a major downer, yada yada yada, I was depressed. I know one night of feeling depressed doesn't constitute depression - I know this from my daughter's experience and the whole diagnosis of depression - but what I was feeling was depressed. I didn't enjoy the taste of the wine and stopped after a couple of glasses, kind of wanted to stop even sooner than I did. The wine made me a little sadder than when I started. Then I wanted to totally zone out so popped two anti-anxiety meds and really zonked out for a long time. It was what I wanted. But I woke up before midnight and changed my whole mind. I went and got the remaining 1/2 bottle of wine and poured it out on the grass, outside. I got out my journal and made a decision to be sober, that I didn't want this substance anymore. I wrote and wrote. It was the first time I think I made a decision to do this not on the day after but the night of, and without being hungover. It was the first conscious decision I have done to do this instead of reacting to a bad binge. I feel at peace with my decision and see that the alcohol buzz is not what I want / need and the calm feeling from my medicine IS what a want/need (and doesn't leave me with a hangover.)
I'm really far behind you all - you have all progressed so far. I'm just beginning, again, but feel like my Christmas 'miracle' just happened. I don't even feel bad about what happened - was reluctant to post it here, but decided to. I know we're supposed to feel badly when we relapse, and I usually do, but this time I just feel good. Because it's over and I can move on with my life.
I had a busy day at work. I'm going to be okay.