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Class of November 2008 Part 14

Old 08-11-2014, 07:50 PM
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How did your appointment go, nands?

I had a counseling appointment today too, and she is helping me work on the whole smoking issue.

I am feeling so upset about Robin Williams. I had to choke back tears at my desk at work when I found out. So shocking and sad.
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Old 08-13-2014, 05:33 AM
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The appointment went "ok". I did not have high expectations, cause they had made it clear that it takes at least 2 meetings for referrals before they can get you to see a physiatrist for appropriate medication. But I was a bit upset cause it will be 2 and a half months before I can get the proper meds. My counselor (who I had before) is pretty disgusted with the whole way things are right now. He said there are no longer options for people to do a hospital detox, so doing at home with the help of family is really the only way you can do it!

My counselor is working with my regular doctor and I guess we are going to have to keep me on the current anxiety meds for the 10 weeks it will take to get to a better medication. The one I'm on is just not really a good idea for more than 6 weeks, but they both agree that at this point I need something to bridge over till I can get on a less problematic medication. The Doctor is also working through the insurance process (including appeals) to get me the Vivitrol shots. I still talk to one person from AA and she said even though she believes in the AA program she thinks I should do anything that will give me some help in battling this. I think I will probably go to an AA meeting next week just to try and develop some social friends who are sober and face to face. When Connie died things became a bit harder in that respect.It's hard, cause I really don't think AA is suppose to be a social network. It's a specific way of dealing with alchoholism and it didn't work for me. But I've had several good friends over the years and they all came from AA or SR.

I was very upset by Robin Williams death. I always admired that he really refused to get into a bunch of stuff with media about his alchoholism and depression. I admire that he stuck with his marrage (I think) and that no one ever talked about his wife ... I just saw her once at the academy awards. I always have felt that his true great performance was "Dead Poet's Society" and there was another serious role he did but I can't remember what it was.

My brother has the same facial structure as Robin Williams, so I called him last night and said "so sad your "twin" died".

anyways, it was sad. I'm really glad that I am no longer suicidale. I at least know that I don't want to die! Between Robin Williams and Philip Seymour Hoffman dying this year it's been heart breaking. Like Robin Williams, Hoffman didn't talk a lot about the addiction thing and I don't know why but I admire them more for keeping it private from the "public". Hopefully they didn't keep it so private that their friends didn't know.

OK ... even though I'm going to work an hour early, I'm still late compared to my plan so I gotta go!
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Old 08-13-2014, 05:44 AM
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I've been away but it's been through illness not disinterest

Awakenings was the other serious movie of his I liked. He had a small role really but he really nailed it.

D
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Old 08-14-2014, 07:46 PM
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I'm sorry it hasn't been a "good health" time for you Dee!

I'm pretty much beyond really thinking that a "non response" from you means you don't care We all have a lot to deal with and we can't always be like "right now"

OK ... that said ... I just spent an hour helping an employee in Hawaii work through a stupid situation where she got an email that she was getting cut off from her email for the university today (sent at 4:30 pm today) .... it was a "form email" and incorrect. She was freaking about if she needed to back up all her email before midnight!

I don't know. I had counseling today and felt I made some progress on trying to set some boundaries so I don't end up so angry .... but I just don't know how I feel about this. When someone has a big thing come up ... do you just not help them and say not my problem? This is the sort of stuff I have to figure out how to deal with. I do know that I'm going to be careful to not just leave people out there hanging and freaking cause of work bureaucracy. Yet I need to stop doing so much ...

One technic I'm going to try is setting up a "public calendar" for work and block out time for tasks I need to do and then tell the professors and students that they need to schedule appointments instead of just "dropping by" for immediate answers... seems like a thing to try for a month to try and change how things are going....

I stood up to Sears on a delivery schedule for my new washer .... I was way too angry, but I think it's about making some mistakes as I learn to set some boundaries. Don't call me at 8pm on Thursday and tell me you are going to deliver between 8 and 10 am on Friday! I told them that they needed to schedule an afternoon delivery and that I can't just take off work on short notice. They were not cooperative so I told them to cancel the delivery and I will go to Sears in person and talk to the sales person and tell them to either schedule an afternoon delivery next MON/TUE/Wed or cancel the sale, refund my money and I'll go somewhere else!

Mom keeps saying I have to stop being so angry, but I think I need to learn to take a firm stand. I honestly think I'm just too "cooperative" and bit my tounge too much

I actually feel a bit better about things despite being "not as nice as I should be".

Dee ... take care of yourself (hug) we will survive and look forward to hearing from you when you are feeling a bit better (hug)

OK ... I'll post soon (hug)

Nands
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Old 08-14-2014, 07:50 PM
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I'm feeling much better Nands but ty

good for you for standing up to Sears - customer service? sheesh!

D
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Old 08-16-2014, 05:49 PM
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Nands, I hear you on the boundaries thing. I have no problem with it at work but I struggle some with it in my personal relationships. In my opinion, I'm not being a good friend/daughter/sister/etc if I'm not willing to go above and beyond to help when I'm needed. My counselor keeps suggesting to me that I set boundaries about when I will and won't help, but it just doesn't feel right to me, even if it sometimes affects me negatively. I feel like it's just part of the deal when you care about people. I always get the raised eyebrows when I tell her that, but it's how I feel and it's not likely to change. I have dealt with it by having a good support system for myself, too, although sometimes I find myself irritated when I don't always get back the level of support I'm willing to give.

How is everyone's weekend going? I got a mani yesterday and a pedi today so I'm feeling well-groomed and beautiful
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Old 08-17-2014, 06:39 AM
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LOL I do think it feels good to feel pretty!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye7PIyIcCro

My family sets boundaries with me, but then I hear the hurt in their voice when I say no to a "social gathering".... I need to set boundries on not going to "family events" all the time and I've been doing that, but I need to not feel all the guilt and then anger cause they really think I should go.

I've missed some important events (like people sick) because I was drinking in the past ... that I want to be sober and not do anymore, but the constant ... come for dinner (a commitment of at least 4 hours of driving time and 4 hours of "being social") that is where I need to set a boundary.

Work boundaries are harder. But like I said, I'm going to try something different. I just want to talk to my boss about doing a "trial run" on something different and see how it goes. He and all the professors have been very supportive of me, so I think they will be willing to try and do something so I'm not doing emails and work at 2 am or 8pm when I'm suppose to be doing my home responsibilities.

CG - how was the Tom Petty concert? I'm trying to do things for me, and so I'm seeing if I can go to a John Prine concert during my 2 week vacation at the end of September ... tickets over 100$, airfare around 2-3 hundred and one night hotel ... taxies and food. My family want me to rent a cabin at a lake for a couple of nights (which equals one day at the lake) and have us do something together. But no ... this is the sort of thing I have to say no to. The cabin with electric (needed for my SIL for her health stuff) is 350 a night. So I'm 700$ plus gas and food out if I do that. Since the only reason I have the money to do something is cause mom gave it to me it's hard ... there are always strings with money!

John Prine is older than me and won't be around that much longer ... Seeing him perform is on my "bucket list". As we are working through this, my son pointed out it isn't about the sound or the visual .... Even in a small venue ... well you see him better on Ytube than what you will actually be able to see ... and the sound is usually not that good ... He said "Mom! It's about the experience .. going to hear him in person ... regardless of the distance and the sound system or the little oopsys on notes". I agree. Over my vacation he is playing in two places. Chris suggested I go to the one that is in a "theater" as the sound and sight will be better. That is in Cincinnati, and will be a bit harder to get a hotel in a semi-safe place. Then Chris said "ok ... you probably won't get killed if you stay in the wrong area, just robed ... and you won't have any money so it will be ok" LOL He and I tend to think similarly ... don't do something stupid, but don't let yourself miss opportunities out of fear!

My brother and SIL are going to stop by for a "few minutes" on their way home from a trip today. I set another standard ... told Chris at 6 am as he went to bed that I will be vacuuming and stuff this morning regardless of if it wakes him up. (I also don't think it will as my awesome possum dysan is much quieter than past broken vacumes )

OK ... gotta go ... CG please let me know how your concert went!

Nands
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:28 PM
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Oh my gosh, the concert was SO GOOD! I had never seen him before, and he is amazing live. He has a new CD, which they gave out to everyone who bought a ticket. I wasn't crazy about it when I first heard it (very pure rock), but live it was AWESOME. And he played most of my old favorites - Free Fallin, Into the Great Wide Open, I Won't Back Down, Yer So Bad, etc. He closed with American Girl. His set was minimal, but the lighting was really cool and matched all the songs really well. And I didn't realize he was so relaxed and southern! So fun to listen to, even when he was just talking.

I got home at 1am and it was a Tuesday night, so I suffered at work the rest of the week but it was totally worth it.

What part of Cincy is the concert in? I've only been there once and I stayed downtown. It's a pretty cute town.
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Old 08-19-2014, 06:36 PM
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Prine is at the Cincinnati "Taft theater". This weekend I saw some cheaper prices for airfare and hotel then I'm seeing now ...I have to factor in taxis and food as well ...I'm worried it will be close to 1k with all the costs and to get good prices I'll need to book in the next 2 days (4 weeks out about).

But to be honest I think I'll do it anyways. It means that in stead of being ok for 18 months, I'll only be ok for 17 .... I'm not sure that makes that much of a difference if its a one time deal. I haven't done anything "vactiony" or expensive since 2009 ... so it isn't like I just through around money....

the Doctor called today! They are working on the pre-approval to go back on the vivitrol and the insurance company said they will consider it, but I have to go do a test to be sure I'm not using any opiates. I laughed and so did the nurse, cause that hasn't been something I've used in way more than 20 years! ... not since 85!

I know I'm gonna be pissed the day before the shot ... it doesn't make since, but it's like the last commitment ... I just remember how angry I was after treatment when I started it the last time. Even with several weeks of sobriety ... I don't understand it, but "having to take the shot" and ex out all possibility of deciding to buy a bottle ...it just caused a lot of anger that one day. But after that ... sure I had anger issues about other stuff... but it was so AWSOME to not even think about drinking for as long as I took the shot ... it just wasn't on the radar.

I am committed even though I want to drink really bad. My councelor asked me about that and all I know is that if I drink a bunch of vodka I can sleep and not think or care for 8 hours ... ok maybe only 6 ... But that is not something I can do any more!

the bottom line is I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to kill someone drunk driving. I don't want to hurt my family ... well ... honestly I won't mind dying from something not drinking so they can't blame me... but I actually prefer not to die. I don't know if anyone can relate to that ... cause it sounds crazy...

I'm just tired a lot of times (even when I am sober) of the constant struggle... but I also have a lot of things I still want to do. I guess I find it a bit confusing!

Anyhow ... for now I'm gonna plan something that actually makes ME happy, try to meet responsibilities at work and home while stetting reasonable boundaries and not drink! Thank god taking my own life is not something I even consider these days (although I know that drinking is similar ... it's different then an overt act of suicide...) If I can string these days together and get the help I need over the next 10 weeks ... I have a chance

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Old 08-19-2014, 06:41 PM
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I think the John Prine trip is a great idea Nands

D
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Old 08-19-2014, 10:40 PM
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Oh yeah, that's downtown. I stayed at the Hilton Netherlands or something like that. It's a really cute old hotel with a cool bar that I know you will NOT visit. I was still drinking when I went there so I know it well. I'm not sure how expensive the hotel was since I went for work and they paid.

How about coming to Portland for a vacation sometime, nands?? hint, hint

I totally know what you mean about dying of something that isn't your fault. I can't explain why exactly, but it makes total sense to me.

I also sometimes still want to drink and not think for 8 hours, it actually sounds lovely, but I've trained myself to think about not just the next day but all the days after, doing the dance of will I or won't I drink tonight, and getting myself right back into the same mess I was in before that I desperately wanted out of. I can take the consequence of one bad hangover, but the rest is too much for me to handle so I focus on that.

I was super emotional today and came home early from work. I actually got a lot done at home so it worked out really well, but I need to work on not letting other people's problems affect me so deeply. It's hard to be a sensitive person because you feel everything for the people you love, and it sucks when you can't save them from themselves. I've accepted that I can't, but it is still hard.
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Old 08-26-2014, 07:33 PM
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OK ... update ... the trip is booked (OMG I feel like I shouldn't do this...but it is done now and my counselor said I need to do something that is just for me and not all about "meeting responsibilities" of course within limits)

My counselor has also said that he has concerns about me taking a full 2 weeks off at this point. I agree. If I'm not able to get my vivitrol shots preapproved and administered prior to the 2 week vacation, I'll shorten it to a week or less. I don't want to twist my head around wanting to drink and not having to work.

I really think that when I get in to the Psyciatrist and get proper medication it will help. It's not about a magic pill. But there may be some issues that require meds and there is the probably short term issue of getting my sleep patterns under control.

I had a MAJOR stress/panic issue this afternoon. It was hard cause work got to me, but I didn't want to take medication that can affect me on the drive home...so I didn't and then with all the new traffic since school started, the drive home was totally freaking me out. I so wanted to drink to just stop the shaking which was really bad (this is what happens when I get stressed over the top). I stuck to the idea of just get home and take the meds, but I was shaking worse than I have even when detoxing.

So I made it home, took the most minimal dosage of the anxiety meds and was able to stop shaking after an hour.

I'm just doing what I can, but I feel like I'm making it by the skin of my teeth. I took a "**** test" Friday so they can get pre approval for the shots. I'm hoping I can get started on that within the next 2 weeks. I know I've said it before, but really the difference between making a decision once a month instead of the constant struggle many times a day makes a big difference in how I deal with life.

OK ... I ranted LOL

CG ... just a little stuff I'm working through ... sensitivity has some aspects to look at ... I'm sensitive too ... but some of that is wanting to be able to control my environment (which usually doesn't work out well). I don't ever want to stop caring and helping, but one of the sayings that has struck home with me (when other people do it directed at me, LOL) is Help is the Sunny side of Control ... You are so doing the hard work!

OK ... gotta go! Tomorrow I need to go in 2 hours early to get stuff done at work!
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Old 08-26-2014, 10:22 PM
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I think the vivitrol is a really good idea for you, nands. My counselor has recommended that to me a few times when I've been worried about cravings. I've never felt the need to go on it, but I sure would consider it if I ever found myself struggling for long periods of time.

I'm so excited about your trip to Cincinnati! That sounds totally fun. There is a really good Mexican place near their downtown square, I will try to see if I can find the name of it for you. It was one of the best Mexican meals I ever ate.

I like "help is the sunny side of control". That's a really interesting concept, since with my friend who I'm supporting, I often have a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've "done too much", and I just recently pinpointed that it's when I feel like I'm being too directive instead of letting her walk her own path. I've been reading a book about how to support people in her situation, and I think what I need to do is get better about more listening and supporting and less talking and advice-giving. I think my perspective is helpful to her sometimes, but other times I might be trying to give her too many answers. I have to say, this might be the hardest thing I've ever done; but I really believe helping her is the right thing to do and it's worth it to me despite everyone else in my life telling me I'm crazy to do it. My best friend and I are totally at odds about it, and it's frustrating not to have her support, but there's nothing I can do about the way she feels.

OK people - I need you to help me with something. I am going to quit smoking as of tomorrow! I have said this a million times and usually make it to about 18 hours and then give in, not even really for any reason I can determine. So I need you to remind me that I'm quitting and hassle me about it as often as you want to!!!

My best friend and I (the one who I'm arguing with over my other friend) are going away for the three-day weekend and I want to have a couple of smoke-free days behind me before we go. I know it will be a huge hassle to smoke there, so if I can make it that far I should be golden.
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Old 08-27-2014, 04:39 AM
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thanks for your support CG

for smoking have you considered the new "e-cigarettes" ? They are getting mixed reviews, and still leave you nicotine addicted. But the health advantages are great and from what I've read ... despite the debate ... there is no "second had smoke" factor.

I'm ordering one this week. People generally don't get nicotine free when they use them to "quit", but the health benefits are huge and the irritation to others (unless they consider it a moral issue) is non-existent other than in their own mind.

The whole "help is the sunny side of control" issue is really about where the "helper" is at. If I do things for people with out an expectation that it will change them ... just to support ... It seems to me to be ok. When I have an expectation that they will change so I can feel good ... it is not good.

I don't believe in "tough love". I've never seen it do much to help a person. It can change behavior (at least temporarily), but what people need is honest love that isn't about punishing or abandoning. It's a complicated issue but I think you are right to explore it. I am surrounded by control freaks ... everything they do is based on an expectation of change, so they don't get the concept of just being a friend. I've had many friends who have died over the years who had lots of people "telling them what to do", but got little support in people just loving them (not saving them or fixing them ... just accepting and providing some basic mental support). It's complicated cause we need to also not get sucked in to being overwhelmed by someone else's problems (we need to take care of ourselves) ... but then again ... If we were just loving them ... why is a solution our main focus (fixing) ... I see a number of sides to this issue and am just trying to work through it.

My experiences with help (outside of those of you who have been my friends on SR) is that there is always some expectation that I will be who the person wants me to be. I can try to meet that expectation, but in the end I end up feeling like they are trying to control me!

Let me know if you figure out the restaurant you liked in Cincinnati!
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:40 PM
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OK, I did a little google research, and I *think* it's called Nada, on 6th and Walnut. Really cool interior and GREAT food.

I keep looking at the e-cigarettes and thinking "those are so expensive and I'm going to quit anyway, so it isn't worth it". In the meantime, spending a fortune to buy a pack of cigarettes every day, only smoking about five or ten of them, and then destroying the rest because "I'm not going to smoke anymore", then buying another pack the next day and doing the same thing all over again. I am so financially wise!

I read Allen Carr's book about the easy way to quit smoking, since I think it is mostly psychological for me at this point, and he pointed out that the nicotine withdrawal is actually really mild and only lasts about 3 days. Ugh. I don't know. I told my good friend today about my smoking (I've been hiding it from her), and I think it was a good move. She is one of those people who make me want to be a better person, so just having her know and support me in quitting is actually a lot of motivation. I HATED telling her, though.

Saw my counselor today and it was kind of a rough session. She wants to start looking at my smoking as a relapse, and I don't disagree. It's weird, I started when my mom was in the hospital and that was my reasoning, but I remember a few times in the weeks before that thinking about trying it out again, and justifying that I would have awhile to smoke before the damage really set in. There was even a time when my friend (who is also a coworker) told me that one of my employees sometimes smokes when they go get coffee, and the thought crossed my mind "maybe I could bum a cigarette off of him". The more I think about it, the more it feels like I was planning a relapse of some sort. Cigarettes are bad enough, but I am sure glad it wasn't alcohol.
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:02 AM
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CG

I realize smoking is an addiction and causes great physical harm (with ciggeretes) .... the main physical part has to do with additives that the e-cigs don't have (as far as I can tell).

I really don't agree that this is "relapse" behavior as far as drinking is concerned. But I do agree it is addiction. I know people have told me I'd smoke a cigerrete before I would pick up a drink. I don't know it is confusing ... but lots of "advice" is not to try to quit smoking in the first year...

I have personally found the "hiding behavior" (friends who don't smoke in front of their kids so the kids won't know) is much more likely to effect the addictive thinking that can lead to drinking and trying to hide it, but that is just my personal opinion.

OK ... I fell at work yesterday! Our custodial person is trying to be so good about moping the floors in the hall that he does it several times a day ... usually once in the morning and once in the afternoon during "business hours". Now we have custodial people working at 5 am and till 11 pm! But we end up with wet floors twice a day on the main hallway. I went to the bathroom and there actually wasn't even a sign (although I still would have had to walk the hall to get to my office). I'm not that hurt, but it turned in to a big deal ..... I was bleeding all over my jacket and didn't realize it ... (mom says that when you fall and hurt yourself the pain sometimes is delayed ... something about your body's reaction to trama". When I walked in the office my employee freaked (LOL). She called facilities and went off about it ... cause we have known this is a problem for about a month ... the moping during 8-5 time period. Well ... once that happened I had to do an accident report (paper trail necessity since a complaint was made to document the fall). That was a 30 minute new task that I didn't have time for! The injury is not even something requiring a doctor appointment! It was a small cut on my elbow ... no big deal ... just bled a lot.

Anyhow ... It did hurt more later ... have a large "lump" on my elbow and touching it hurts .... can't believe how many times my elbow touches something (LOL). No stitches required, definitely nothing broken ... just a pain in the elbow

AW ... it's 5 am and I need to leave for work by 6!

So I'm fine ... I'm really not a wooze about pain as long as it doesn't last days and days And clearly no real serious damage done.

Talk to you all soon
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Old 08-29-2014, 03:02 AM
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Geeze glad you're ok Nands

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Old 08-29-2014, 05:21 AM
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Thanks Dee ...

This is a hit and run as I need to leave like 5 minutes ago (LOL)...

I do get discouraged because things like falling ... or hitting a pedestrian ... or putting my car in a ditch ... happen when I'm sober (LOL). I think it is called life .... but it may also be due to my feelings of "stress" that make me less attentive.

I'm feeling positive going into today (although a bit behind on my schedule) and that is actually an improvement By the end of the day I get a bit negative and overwhelmed and the whole stress stuff starts to effect me.

I really hope that I will be ok on taking some appropriate meds for at least a while without it being a "cop out". I'm pretty sure the anxiety will ease if I work on the real issues I have but I suspect that the "mood stabilizer" medication may be something I have to stay on .... It still feels like a cop out, but being off alchohol is more important than my pride in doing it right. The psyciacrist type people say it's a "chemical imbalance (LOL ... duh ... drinking for years effects your body chemically) ...

I'm doing ok on using my anti-anxiety meds in a way that shouldn't make me "physically addicted", but I am relying on it .... This all is just very confusing....

Anyhow ... I'm OK this morning despite waking up "stressed" at daft o'clock in the morning ...

I've been so lucky to have so much support! Thanks to all of you

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Old 08-29-2014, 05:46 AM
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Posts: 189,229
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I fall all the time Nands - I think I hurt myself less when I was drinking.

It is what it is...Pobody's Nerfect, tho, right?

Have a good day

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 09-03-2014, 05:53 PM
  # 80 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Things are not going well.

I'm reaching out (as per the directions of my counselor) to F2F AA "friend", by phone and threads and chat to SR friends and actually things were going better.

But now it ends up the county health people can't even recommend me for a psychiatrist till I have 3 months sober... then a 8-10 week wait.... The vivitrol approval hasn't come through yet. I just don't know if I can make it that long at this point! If that makes me weak so be it... but I won't stop doing the next indicated thing to get whatever support is needed.

I refuse to give up. My county health care counselor is disgusted by the system that says if you are alcoholic you cannot get medication till you stay sober 3 months. But that is the rule (for alcoholics, not non-confessed alkies). I understand the reasoning, but this is just too hard. I don't think I can make it 3 months with no help for other stuff.

The counselor actually told me (with great dissatisfaction with the system) that I should try to explore a way to get my care from a private counselor and psychiatrist to avoid these restrictions. So I will be looking into that and making phone calls tomorrow. I have insurance, there are hoops to jump, but not as much as a time lag as for the county mental health organization.

I understand that people don't trust alkies, but I have a history of a need for medications even after sober for periods of years. I'm not willing to wait and I'm not willing to lie about my sobriety to my counselor in order to see the psychiatrist. that would simply short circuit the progress I've made ... which I think has been significant.

My current plan is to continue counseling with my current counselor as I seek a private agency to help me. He is helping. I'll continue to be honest and hope that I can find someone who can help me get a more appropriate treatment for my anxiety/depression issues not completely related to my alcohol related issues. I will call my doctor to find out where we are at in getting me back on the vivitrol and I will continue to fight against any desire to drink

I really hope people have some time to post about the positive things in their life. I know I am a "train wreck waiting to happen", but I refuse to believe it is the only possible outcome.

the good news is that I got 4 separate emails from people in my professional life thanking me for my good work! My first reaction was "oh my god ... they are going to fire me" It only lasted about 2 minutes before I realized the cycle I've let myself get in ... that is progress!

Give up your good news and share your personal struggles I want to be there for you too
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