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Class of November 2008 Part 14

Old 06-10-2015, 11:40 AM
  # 121 (permalink)  
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I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. One of our undergraduate students, who I don't know at all ... just walked in and gave me a large sum of money to help cover some of the costs we are going through....

Every time I get down due to the difficult path to repair, rebuild and move forward .... something like this happens.

It's not "my" Karma ... I never did anything for someone like this... it the beauty of others who have giving hearts and who are being generous to me in this time.

I'm so overwhelmed. It is not about money, it's about the kindness of strangers.

I have to go cry for a little bit (from joy) and then go back to doing what I can to perform my job in the department to the best of my ability. That is the only thank you I can make!
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Old 06-10-2015, 05:17 PM
  # 122 (permalink)  
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From my perspective there might be a little karma, nands - you may not give away large sums of money (!) but you've always been very caring and giving

D
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Old 06-21-2015, 06:32 PM
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I just wanted to check in. I'm ok. I wish things would get easier, but that will probably take time.

As said, I am ok.

Hope everyone else is too. I've been reaching out to people a lot to just hear about them. sometimes hearing about someone else can really help me
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Old 06-21-2015, 06:33 PM
  # 124 (permalink)  
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I am ok too

D
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Old 06-28-2015, 05:48 PM
  # 125 (permalink)  
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Hi all,
Nands, it sounds like you've had quite an adventure lately! I just got back from a trip back east to see my cousin's daughter's graduation from high school and then a road trip with my cousin to see a bunch of historical stuff. I had a really nice time, it sucks to be back. Been kind of depressed otherwise, but I guess I can't really complain.

Hope everyone is doing well.
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Old 07-05-2015, 12:45 PM
  # 126 (permalink)  
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I'm trying to reach out to others ... not only to get help, but also to be helpful...

None of it seems to be working.

So right now, I'm just working on life stuff and hoping that will be enough. I realize that if I drink, there will be people there to help me deal with why drinking should never have been an option.

Pre-drink is the problem ... something beyond drinking urges. I'm getting more and more depressed and angry over my situation, and drinking isn't an answer and won't help.

I'm staying sober out of a belligerent attitude of I won't drink. I'm trying to try and help others and be honest about where I'm at without being a whiny demanding person.

I talk to AA people even though I'm not really an "AA" anymore.

This weekend was rough. I'm sure in a few days I'll be back with a positive post.

If I don't post for a while, don't worry that I've drank again. I really don't think I will.

I'm just confused, irritated and struggling. I think that's probably just life like we all go through it and I'm just one of those people who says things about it when they ought to just pull up their big girl pants and march on with dignity. I've just never been very good at that

I'm glad you are doing well Cola! I am pretty sure you are working hard on how to deal with the depression, and you have stayed sober a long time which gives you a big boost on dealing with it (hug).

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Old 07-05-2015, 01:40 PM
  # 127 (permalink)  
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I keep getting this November thread and didn't want to butt in as I am a January sober baby. We're all in this together though.

I cry for happy, cry for sad. I am seeing my moods normaling out some the longer I stay sober. I am still in my infancy at 17 months and counting but I am doing better. The problem for most of us is we want it now. We want relief now. We want the answers now. We want to be happy now. Life is not a straight line and it is not a place. It is a journey. It does help to have people in your life that can help and support you in any of your endeavors. I thankfully have God in my life again and it is He who has done the most for me. I am thankful too for the sober people I meet and those here on SR from whom I can gather a sense of belonging. We understand better than any what it is like to be in our shoes.

Keep on keeping on Ananda and do it for you. We know how life could be much worse than we imagine on a daily basis if we were to pick up again. Search out things that you like to do and things that make you feel calm and serene. Keep working on yourself. One day you'll realize that you are happy with whom you've become.
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Old 07-05-2015, 04:57 PM
  # 128 (permalink)  
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Hi CG

what are you depressed and angry about Nands - the house or more a general thing?

D
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Old 07-07-2015, 04:02 PM
  # 129 (permalink)  
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Dee,

It really seems to me to be flood related, although it is probably playing into all kinds of stuff if I went deep with it.

I just feel like I've been hanging on by my nails for 2 months waiting and trying to work through how to fix the mess from the flood. Yesterday we had another torrent of rain and the water came within 2 feet of the house. My reaction was very overboard ... but then I dream every night about a tornado, a flood, a collapsing building or something like it... I just don't feel safe. Of course I know that life being "safe" isn't the deal, but since the flood I seem to have lost my anchor and things are not exactly going well with it at this point.

Yesterday right before this 3rd flood in 2 months, I started to just crumble at work and had to go home. But when I was talking to my co-worker about why I was crumbling she said she had no idea that my house was still basically a disaster zone full of mud and debris waiting for help.

The good part is that when I went home and this flood hit, and I ended up crying in front of my neighbors .... one of them stepped up and got the city to come out. It's a long story, but they did clean enough debris out of the storm drain behind my house so that the water receded and they are suppose to clean it up better today.

I'm just pretty much not doing ok. I am on the edge of a melt down every day and I'm trying hard to not suck into that..to keep on keeping on, put on my big girl pants and think about others (cause many have it worse than me). But the truth is that I'm not doing that well at this.

there is a part of me that wants to just drink till I pass out so I don't have to live this part, but another part of me is saying "I'll show them, I won't drink". I'm not sure what that means, but it is what it is.

Drinking would really make this much worse and I don't feel a strong need to drink ... but yes it crosses my mind. My real concern is that I can't run on the pull up your bootstraps, be a man (woman) and you can take it stuff forever.

OK -- the house is safe another day and in theory someone is suppose to show up tomarrow to start cleaning out the mud and start on putting in the walls....

Thank you for asking Dee it means alot to me that you did (hug)
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Old 07-07-2015, 05:41 PM
  # 130 (permalink)  
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I've never been flooded but we have a lot of floods where I live.
I think some kind of PTSD after events like that is very common, Nands

Are you seeing a therapist or a counsellor right now?

D
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Old 07-08-2015, 05:48 PM
  # 131 (permalink)  
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You reminded me of something I had forgotten Dee...

In 1993 we had a flood where the area I lived in was one inch from going over the levy for like 3 months. I freaked and my councelor told me it was happening to many people who had suffered from previous PTSD (which I have from the incest). It is the "not safe" thing.

I'm seeing a counselor and he says I am dealing very well with a difficult situation, but I've only seen him two times in the last 12 weeks so I am going to step that up. My Psychiatrist wanted to "adjust my medication" right after the flood and I said no. I said to her " the meds I'm on worked fine before the flood...are there meds to fix what I'm going through?" She told me that I have a lot of grieving and other emotions to go through and that the only medical answer would be to prescribe meds to knock me out and that would only delay the process. So we are keeping on my "pre-flood" meds.

Your comment about PTSD made me remember some important things so I truly appreciate this! When things get really hard and my feeling of safety get really screwed up, I fall back on the things that worked when I was a child (or perhaps didn't work..but they did allow me to survive). I've had times during the last month where I don't remember parts of the day (when I got totally stressed and "lost it").

I believe this flood would be hard for anyone, but given my past issues, I am probably going directly to some of the supposed "survival methods" I learned as a child.

I think I need to have some compassion for myself and also realize that my reactions may not appear reasonable to some, but are really a normal response to an "unnormal situation".

Deep Breath!!! Ok ... this is helping.

What I'm doing now to try and move through this is
1. mom is coming (god I hate to admit that) to just take over for a few days so I can just rest and not worry about life for 2 days.
2. I am setting up with my concelor to meet once a week for the next month.
3. with great reservations I will discuss with my psychiatrist if we should adjust my meds for a short period of time due to the stress.

OK... I'm signing off now. Today was actually better mostly because the volunteers showed up and at least got 50% of the "debri" cleaned out so it isn't so freaky when I go downstairs. Also because my mom is gonna take over a bit for a few days and my brother is also willing to come and just take care of basic responsibilities so I can have a few days of real rest.

Thank you for your support (hug) sometimes it only takes a few words to change someone's perspective and get them in the right direction! You are awesome!
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Old 07-08-2015, 06:28 PM
  # 132 (permalink)  
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Glad I could help Nands

D
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Old 07-12-2015, 03:01 PM
  # 133 (permalink)  
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Today Mom Cleaned furniture downstairs (the 3 pieces we are think are saveable) and I cleaned the bathroom out. It wasn't perfect, cause things are such a mess! got out a lot of mud (it is a lot less than what was there 2 months ago, but it turns to sludge when you try to clean it up). It will need further cleaning after they figure out what needs to be done in the room but it will be more manageable now.

It's helped a lot to realize that a lot of the stuff about how I'm reacting is just agrevated PTSD. Also the people helping as volunteers (who also do this as pro's) talked to me about how I need to talk more about how hard it is... That sounds so wrong, but they have worked with people and situations from Huricane Katrina, and several major tornados in the mid-west and they said you need to talk about it ... not just the positive help your getting but about the fear, anxiety and stuff that is going on even now ... and the time it takes to get past all the physical and mental damage from this...

I don't want to live in fear! But the first step is to admit that I am living in it right now and it is controlling a lot of my life. It helps just to admit it. In just 2 days, I already am beginning to feel a bit more like I can stop fighting the fear and just admit it is there and then start taking action without letting the fear paralyze me or control my decisions.

I'm not sure how to express all this, but it is better. That said... I have to be honest about it that I am still struggling a lot and probably will for a while. I did have a night without nightmares of tornados, huricanes, collapsing buildings, etc. But then I had the nightmares a gain last night. It will take time

People need to be kind to themselves as well as others

OK ... I need to spend time with mom (and pee!).... I'll post later!
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Old 07-25-2015, 09:43 AM
  # 134 (permalink)  
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I'm struggling as usual, but I see the signs of my part ... so I'll have to deal with that.

I'm angry at my family for not behaving as I think they should! When someone isn't in my family I tend to give it a break (even though I'm still terribly judgmental (wish I weren't)).

I get mad cause they went through the same stuff I did...they were there... but we all ended up so different. I feel bad saying I think I ended up better (there isn't anyone in my family that isn't addicted or alchoholic...despite it being not talked about or acknowledged). Things have shifted over the years, but not that much. Basically despite being the "bad sheep" most of the time, I've really been the responsible person. Sorry but I'm angry.

That said... I HAVE to let go of that anger!!! It doesn't change anything!!! I need to focus on living my life according to how I believe I need to live it and forgive others and myself when things go poorly.

I understand that the "threat" I FELT (not necessarily rational) with all that is going on has triggered more emotional responses than are probably accurate. I take a step back... try to not react to past stuff, and I continue to work toward my personal experiences that anger must be accepted as being there, but that actions need to be toward kind regard toward others and self...

I'll get through this and sorry if it sounds scattered. It's just hard to express what is going on in concrete terms as I am a bit trapped in my emotions. I saw the Psych. yesterday and once again she told me to stop a medication and didn't put it in her notes....(I now write down what she tells me so I can be sure I take things as directed). I talked to my regular doctor and we agree that there simply are not any other psycs to use in our town so we will work with what is... I am "restarting" a medication, and I think I did better in dealing in a helpful way with my anger when I was on that one. Due to my scratching and anger issues, we are re instituting an anti anxiety medication that "pre-flood" It seemed I no longer needed.

Anyways... I'll post again! I needed to rant and the hardest thing right now is that I need to really stay out of self pity, but still stay compassionate toward myself. That is something that I think is a very hard thing to figure out. I'll work on it.

God... I can't wait to retire and simplify all this

Love you all and despite my rant I'm still sober and not suicidal or anything...just working through things.
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Old 07-25-2015, 03:05 PM
  # 135 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry Nands - I know how family can make it rough, even when they're trying to help

D
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Old 08-29-2015, 07:03 AM
  # 136 (permalink)  
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Hope everyone is well

I'm doing my best to reach out both to seek help and to be supportive.

Today is "pay day" for all the construction... but I think it will be within what I have (after a loan from mom).

I'm on vacation for the next 2 weeks.

I'm tired, but hopefull that with a break from work and with finishing up most of the basement work I will feel better in a few weeks.

I still think about everyone I've known over the years at SR and appreciate all the connections, love and friendship I have found here. I'll keep trying to post to support others and to stay in contact

Best to all!

Nands
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Old 02-06-2016, 01:09 PM
  # 137 (permalink)  
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I'm struggling.

If you have my number please call. If you don't please email.

I just got out of treatment and I'm basically more cynical and survival mode than I've ever been.

Frankly ... I was with 3 time felons, 3rd generation IV users, and people who twist your nipples and have used shives on people. I'm in survival mode.

I learned that I have huge compassion for the people I spent my time with. It broke my heart. But I also learned that I could survive in prison and I'm not sure that is good!

I learned I can stand up to the most intimidating person and call them on their Sh*t. I'm a survivor. But I don't really like that part of me.

Being afraid of the consequences has never kept me sober. I need hope (reasonable hope). Treatment did not help me. I'm very depressed. Pretending to do the god thing won't help.

I still have my job, but I want to retire in a year at 58. The stress of promising I'll be sober forever is killing me. This is not self pity, but rather realism.

How many alchoholics and addicts really make it? The percentage is really pretty small

crap... i'll let you go.

Sorry.

Nands
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Old 02-08-2016, 06:17 PM
  # 138 (permalink)  
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I'm doing better... so no worries.
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Old 02-08-2016, 08:43 PM
  # 139 (permalink)  
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Hi Nands

there are so many threads now it's easy to miss one. I do my best but I'm, sorry I missed your post

If you ever need an answer quickly you can make a thread in the main forum or PM me

From my experience here at SR the percentage of long term recoveries seems quite high to me.

In the end though the only statistics that matter are your own.

I don't have a ready made answer for you or a solution but I do have a lot of faith in you and your doggedness - so I have hopes for you Nands

I'm glad you're doing a little better
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