thanks for your support CG
for smoking have you considered the new "e-cigarettes" ? They are getting mixed reviews, and still leave you nicotine addicted. But the health advantages are great and from what I've read ... despite the debate ... there is no "second had smoke" factor.
I'm ordering one this week. People generally don't get nicotine free when they use them to "quit", but the health benefits are huge and the irritation to others (unless they consider it a moral issue) is non-existent other than in their own mind.
The whole "help is the sunny side of control" issue is really about where the "helper" is at. If I do things for people with out an expectation that it will change them ... just to support ... It seems to me to be ok. When I have an expectation that they will change so I can feel good ... it is not good.
I don't believe in "tough love". I've never seen it do much to help a person. It can change behavior (at least temporarily), but what people need is honest love that isn't about punishing or abandoning. It's a complicated issue but I think you are right to explore it. I am surrounded by control freaks ... everything they do is based on an expectation of change, so they don't get the concept of just being a friend. I've had many friends who have died over the years who had lots of people "telling them what to do", but got little support in people just loving them (not saving them or fixing them ... just accepting and providing some basic mental support). It's complicated cause we need to also not get sucked in to being overwhelmed by someone else's problems (we need to take care of ourselves) ... but then again ... If we were just loving them ... why is a solution our main focus (fixing) ... I see a number of sides to this issue and am just trying to work through it.
My experiences with help (outside of those of you who have been my friends on SR) is that there is always some expectation that I will be who the person wants me to be. I can try to meet that expectation, but in the end I end up feeling like they are trying to control me!
Let me know if you figure out the restaurant you liked in Cincinnati!