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Class of November 2008 Part 14

Old 09-03-2014, 04:55 PM
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I hope you can work something out Nands - the private counselling sounds like a good option

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Old 09-03-2014, 10:34 PM
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AAAGGGGHHH, I get so irritated about crap like this! Related things happened to my mom when she was trying to get sober - it was like the system didn't recognize that she needed the help NOW or she was going to start drinking again and probably never ask for help again. It was maddening!

BUT, I know you can make it 3 months, you've even done much longer before. Since you aren't getting the help you really need, you just have to dig really deep and find it within yourself. You are doing all the right things in terms of counseling and trying to get other assistance in the meantime... maybe think back to the mental tricks that helped you before and apply them again. I also sometimes go back and think about my relapses and where I went wrong so I can catch it before it happens again. I know you can do it!

OK, you asked for positive things! My niece started kindergarten today... she is SO excited. Her parents are totally disorganized so it was a bit of an ordeal, but I think it's all worked out now. The best part is I get to babysit her all weekend so I can hear all about it. I am very excited!

My best friend and I went to Central Oregon for Labor Day weekend and it was really relaxing and peaceful. We swam and hiked and ate lots of good food. I'm feeling a little bit of strain in this relationship right now, so it was nice to just get away and do something fun. The main problem is that I'm pretty sure I gained five pounds!

I did fine without smoking over the weekend but then picked some up again on Monday like an idiot. Oh well, I'm just going to try again.

Oh, and I am SO SAD about Joan Rivers! I love her, she is hilarious.
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Old 09-06-2014, 04:16 AM
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HI all!

Cola ... I have "issues" with my family, but when we can do something that is fun and not get into the twisty stuff it is a big help. Having activities like hiking (which most of us are pretty wimpy at now although in the past we were real troopers) helps! I think it keeps us on track with the less emotionally intense parts of the relationships and helps build that bridge of how we can enjoy our time together.

Last night I dreamed about 3 different "old friends" who I (and they) have let the difficult parts of our relationship destroy the friendship. What you said about your weekend hit home with me. I'm not a believer in ignoring problems or anything like that ... but sometimes I think we have to create a space where we can enjoy those around us despite our troubled relationships.

I got approved for my vivitrol! I can get my shot next Friday, but due to that being my last day before vacation, I will delay it to Monday so that they don't have to close the office early that Friday and I can get the huge amount of work that I need to complete before being gone 2 weeks. I'm going to call my sister-in-law (who I have some issues with, but who has been supportive and cares) and ask her if she is off that day if she would come take me to my dr's appointment and then for the shot. This is so I won't back out cause a part of me doesn't want to make drinking not even a possibility .... in the big book they say "can't imagine a life with or without alcohol" and although I'm not an AAer, that phrase is one of many that I can relate to.

The whole "vacation" thing has been a bit crazy ... My workplace is looking at it as everything will just have to wait till I get back ... but that means 12-20 hours overtime next week to clear everything I can and 12-20 hours overtime the week I come back to try and frantically catch up what no action was taken on for 2 weeks! It's a systems error in thinking that I'm going to do my best to short circuit. I can't "cross train" my one employee to do everything while I'm gone ... in fact she isn't capable of much of the analytical/action activities ... but we are a huge university and there are ways to let someone take a vacation without coming back to worse pressure than before they went! I'm working on a plan to request that people work directly with the higher administrative units to keep paperwork moving. I'm setting up a calander to send people on what I will be working on next week and times where they can come in with brief questions, etc. (no major projects. I will also tell them point blank the order of priority for what I will do on my return. I have to redirect people to my staff person for immediate action items and be sure I have given her all the information needed to proceed with the help of upper admin offices to complete needed things. I'll miss some stuff and it won't be perfect, but hopefully it is a start in the right direction.

Sorry to go on so long. I absolutely HAVE to change how I deal with things to provide myself some sanity as I complete my career. I had to give up one aspect of my job that I excel at and love because this job doesn't allow enough time to do it. It's not something I feel good about, but I'm not a specialist anymore, I'm an everything that comes up employee and so I have to give up some of the parts of my job that I love and excel at in order to meet the needs of my workplace. Although I am sad about this, and feel like my best skills are not being used, I have come to some partial acceptance of this.

Good news is that my boss is looking into the possibility of a half time new staff member that I could dump some of my variety of hats on to so that I can perhaps (hope hope) spend more time on the things I'm skilled at.

OK ... now I really went on too long (LOL) ... I almost use this thread as a diary.

Thank you all for your patience ... still sober but really struggling!

Nands
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Old 09-08-2014, 09:28 PM
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I hear you on the vacation thing. I hate that our society has become a place where you can't actually take a vacation without killing yourself over it before and after. I have had to accept it because I'm a manager now and so work never really "stops", but I do make sure that I fully enjoy my time off while it's happening so at least I have that.

I'm taking about a week and a half off at the end of September/beginning of October. I haven't decided what to do yet - I would love to take a trip but I don't want to be too far in case something happens with my mom. I might go see a friend in Seattle, or I might just go to the beach or back to Central Oregon for a few days if the weather is still good. Otherwise I will just enjoy some time around the house and maybe get a few projects done. Either way, I hoping it's more relaxing than my last "vacation", which was just dealing with my mom almost dying, being in the hospital, and then getting situated back at home. That was not very fun.

I'm excited about the vivitrol! Are you feeling okay about it now? I totally get the whole "don't want it to not be an option", but for us alchies, I think we just have to keep doing things until something works. I'm actually thinking about trying to get a prescription for it so I can do it immediately when my mom gets sick again, because that scenario scares me to death.
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Old 09-09-2014, 02:52 AM
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HI CG!

I'm not sure I would say I'm "feeling ok or good" about the shot ... It's scary on a number of different levels, some minor some bigger ... But SIL is coming and I see the doctor right before I go get the shot so we will have a plan

If you are considering vivitrol in shot form, keep in mind that the pre-approval by insurance can take 3-6 weeks. I have "blue cross blue shield" through the workplace, and my co-pay per shot is 75$. If insurance doesn't approve it the cost is about 1,500$ per shot ... outrageous.

I don't want to discourage you at all, but do want to share what I know about getting the shot. they inject the vivotral into the "fleshy part" of your butt. The first shot I was already so freaked I didn't notice the pain, but it is a very temporary pain as far as the injection goes ... I mean it only takes a few minutes, and hey I can handle pain for short term! LOL

My understanding is that basically they are injecting the drug in your muscle and it absorbs over the month into your system. This means, for me that I have a "lump" on my butt for that time. It can be sore. the last time I got the shot the injection nurse tried doing 1/2 on one side and 1/2 on the other ... I don't recommend this. It meant I couldn't find a sitting or sleeping position that was comfortable. That is one thing I will make clear with this new round ... just do it on one side so I can sleep and sit

For me, the arthritic type symptoms I got after the shot were the part I couldn't deal with. BUT ... apparently this is not a common side effect so that is probably ok.

The bottom line for me is that the "side effects" of alchohol are worse than those of the shot. And I think with the doctors help I can find a way to treat the achy arthritic pain and not have a problem.

It takes about 5 phone calls a month to get the shot stuff to the doctors office and get it all set up. It may be simpler depending on your insurance. My work place only knows that I have "health issues" and have been very encouraging that I do what I need to do to get the shot because the difference in my attitude and focus is so much greater when I do.... yeah not thinking about drinking, not drinking, all kinds of head stuff just is no longer an issue.

Wow ... it's a bit weird to talk about cause I know a lot of people think it's insanity to rely on something like a shot to insure sobriety (although god seems to be an ok lol). It's not magic. It is an aid and I'm just grateful to have it. There is also a pill form of this drug, but with my history of not being able to commit on a daily basis, the monthly shot is a workable solution. In fact, I have the pill form in my medicine cabinet and have never been able to just take the stupid pill once a day ... lack of commitment I suppose ... it is what it is.

Yeah ... I guess I'm ok with this. Scared, but tired of feeling like I'm one crisis away from a drink and looking over a cliff. I am an alcoholic. I will never be able to "drink successfully". Until my heart catches up with my head this will do

ok .. Rant over

Wish you all a great day! Gotta run.....
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Old 09-09-2014, 03:42 AM
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I wouldn't worry for a second about what other people think Nands

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Old 09-12-2014, 04:06 AM
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Well.... I imploded yesterday (I think that's the right word).

No we don't get a new half time employee and instead they want an "outside person" to review work load, etc.

I cried in front of my boss. Because my pattern that I need to fix is that the first place I go is insecurity, paranoia, and helplessness, overwhelmed.

Then I went to frustration .... then anger.

I know it goes against common belief, but in anger mode I actually think more clearly and express myself more concisely and make more progress toward a goal. I hope that in time I can do that without the previous stages and without anger having to be a part of it.

Despite my paranoia that it's a set up to get fired (and believe me ... that is really not the case!) I met a second time with my boss and told him that the result of my request for a 1/2 time position is 5 major projects to be done upon my return from vacation that I don't have time to do and are outside my "skill set" and that my request for the extra help resulted in increasing the stress on me at work by a huge amount.

He is working on me with how to do this in a reasonable manner ... one step at a time with firm deadlines. Frankly it still means in order to get through this I will have to work over vacation on meeting "goal one" ... at least it is manageable.

My SIL is already laying the ground work to not come on Monday to take me to the doctor and for my shot. It's ok cause I am **.9999... percent certain I will do what is needed.

I don't want people to "take care of me" or make me not responsible ... but it does seem to me that asking for physical F2F help only makes people look at me as an infant and never really results in the help I need....

OK Whine over ... I let myself be derailed yesterday at work so things won't be as good as I had hoped when I leave for vacation, but it's doable. And I will step up to the plate and meet my responsibilities... I don't know what else to say

I will be smiling today, regardless of anything, and do what needs to be done
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Old 09-12-2014, 04:14 AM
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I'll be rooting for you on Monday nands

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Old 09-12-2014, 05:22 PM
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thanks dee (sorry but I love that there is an icon named after you )

Things went ok today. There is one thing (and it is actually kinda big) that I couldn't accomplish before I left. But files were sorted, notes were made and everyone was reviewed on the information. Now it's just a matter of whether or not they take care of the little things or let everything stack up. But I gave them all they need to deal with anything that comes up over the next 2 weeks. They just don't have account balances

My employee did a nasty ... she told me she had to leave at 2pm to pick up her dog from his being neutered ... but I use the same vet clinic and I know she could have picked him up anytime before 5:30 ... but oh well

I really think that I'm on track and I'm excited, despite my mixed feelings about getting the shot, about seeing the doctor, and going later in the week to see John Prine. I'm betting that by next Monday a lot of my stress and weirdness will start to ease.

I hope everyone else is doing ok! I look forward to being less self centered and being able to support others instead of scrambling to keep my head above water.

I'll check in soon and hope to hear from all of you (even those who are not here)

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Old 09-12-2014, 05:24 PM
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have a good weekend Nands

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Old 09-14-2014, 01:31 PM
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OK ... my son actually asked today if he could take me for the shot and the dr's appointment. Although part of it is his fear that I won't follow through and he has a lot of anger at me ... to me it shows he still cares enough to be there for me (and believe me, he knows if I choose not to do it his presence wont make it happen). I'm now 100% certain I'll follow through cause alcohol is has really ruined large parts of my life with long term effects and I want to stay sober

The neuropathy thing has really shaken me, and now I have such bad "tremors" even when months sober ... it's scary. But all I can do is stay sober and not increase the damage. My mom told me today that "essential tremors" run in the family regardless of alcohol ... I expect the alcohol use made it worse, but 5 people in the family had these tremors at 60 so I'm about 5 years ahead of schedule.

I went to our local farmers market to buy some peaches (not real great ones ... but I think they will be decent). It was a big step for me cause I tend to not go places cause the tremors embarrass me. OMG I'm only 55 and I sound like an 85 year old

I know I'm going to be ok ... just having some fear

I'll post by Tuesday latest to let you all know it's a done deal
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Old 09-15-2014, 05:18 PM
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Its all good!

I got the shot and it didn't hurt! The nurse found a new technic that worked wonderful!

Then after the doctor reviewed my tremors and ran a few simple tests ... He says it is not related to my alcohol abuse! It is essential tremors and most likely, given my family history, totally unrelated!

And best of all there is a medicine that doesn't have side effects that can fix the tremors a whole lot! Non-addictive, I think he called it a "bata blocker" .... I may still have some tremors, but nothing like it's been lately! It's fast acting when tremors start I take one very low dose and honestly ... 10 minutes after I took it I had almost no tremors!!!

My mind is very relieved.

Hope everyone else is doing well and hope to hear from you soon (hug)


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Old 09-15-2014, 05:28 PM
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That's all great news Nands



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Old 10-15-2014, 08:42 PM
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Hi!! How is everyone doing? Just thought I would check in since it's been a month or so now. How did the Cincy trip go, nands? I am super irritable over work issues but nothing new or serious.

My niece turned SIX on Saturday and I can't figure out how that happened. Seems like just a few months ago I was at the hospital meeting her as a newborn. Now she sits at Chuck E Cheese's eating pizza and getting embarrassed while we quiz her about her kindergarten boyfriends. UNBELIEVABLE.
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Old 11-05-2014, 06:27 PM
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Nands? You doing okay?

I've had a pretty stressful couple of weeks helping my friend with some issues. It's all good, just kind of a rollercoaster that's hard to get off of because I really do care.

Went on a fun cemetery tour on Halloween night. Usually I don't do anything for Halloween so I really enjoyed it. My BFF (different friend) and I also did our annual corn maze/pumpkin patch/carving day last week which was really good since I feel like things have been strained between us for awhile.

OH! My one year is coming up on the 18th!
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Old 11-23-2014, 07:08 AM
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Hi everyone who still checks in

I'm doing ok. Thoughts of alcohol or being "an alcoholic" are so rare its hard for me to even remember when I have had the thought...except for when I go to the dr. or the councilor ... then I have to think about the alcohol issue. Mostly it seems that if I don't drink, I don't have an "alcohol problem". I have physical problems due to my history of alcohol abuse, and I certainly can't successfully have a drink. But I am pretty much busy living life, developing my practice, watching how things are, how I react...just doing the deal and drinking just isn't a part of it.

My counselor is wanting to only see me once a month ... I don't have a lot to say or discuss about thoughts of drinking or alcohol related issues but they have slotted me as in for alcoholism (apparently if you are alcoholic you can no longer see a regular counselor (only an alcoholism counselor) with out a lot of paperwork...long waiting...and well they just don't want to look at anything else. I finally got set up with a private physiatrist s the public health center flat out said that they will never set me up to see one through them. My read on some of this is that it is related to being understaffed and having so many people in this town with no insurance, and no money for private services...so they just need people with insurance to seek private practitioners (unfortunately there are only 3 in this town, despite what the web will tell you LOL).

I'm ok with it all because I actually think that counseling, while it can be very helpful, is not what will really benefit me at this point. I think seeking a F2F Buddhist teacher would be a better fit for working through things from a different perspective that has worked for me in the past. For now I read the books and watch the dharma talks on the web and put together the practice as I can.

Well ... that is a sort of where I'm at udate LOL

The Prine concert was awesome. 1/3 concert, 1/3 sing a long and 1/3 karaoke LOL

Now the rest of the trick kinda sucked. I could go on and on about the problems with lodging, transportation and then my tremors were not well controlled at that point which made some of the tasks a bit embarrassing and difficult to manage.

But the Concert was great and before the concert I got to eat at an absolutely awesome first class restaurant. I actually got to sit at a small bar area they had that was open to the kitchen so you could watch the 3 lines of chefs in action, complete with expediters' and all the different types of chefs... Brought back some good memories of my restaurant service days and was a joy to watch the cooking and have the opportunity to talk with some of the chef's (since I was there at 5:30 and they weren't busy!).

OK .. I really need to get to work now .... I'll try to spell check this before posting.

Let me know how all of you are doing as well.
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Old 11-23-2014, 07:28 PM
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Yay, the thread lives!

I had my one year anniversary last Tuesday. My counselor suggested I go to an AA meeting to celebrate, so I did. It was okay. I enjoy listening to other people's stories because, while the details are different, it's really all the same at the core. I feel pretty uncomfortable at the meetings still, though. Just not really my thing. I think I will still try to go once a month or so, or whenever I feel like hearing other people talk about their recovery.

It's weird, even though I have a year I still feel like it is early days. Definitely not as difficult as in the beginning, but it's like I still feel attached to my addict, if that makes sense.

I see your point on the counseling nands. I still see mine every 2-3 weeks, but most of the time we talk about just stuff that's currently going on, not as much about drinking. What I still find benefit from, though, is finding those places that used to be my triggers and learning good coping skills for them. I am really like a child with no coping skills. I've learned that I react from emotion, very quickly, and usually regret it. I have a very hard time letting the emotions pass without letting someone know exactly how I feel (like a very unfortunate Comcast guy on the phone the other night, lol). I've been working through that a lot with her and it's been helpful. Sort of like addressing root causes of the drinking.
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Old 11-23-2014, 07:35 PM
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Good to hear from both you guys

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Old 11-23-2014, 09:44 PM
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OK - so random question for you guys. Does anyone have advice on how to support a friend while remaining detached from their problems? I am struggling with this big time right now. I am having a hard time watching a friend make bad choices, and walking the line between supporting and enabling. Like, I'm happy to support her moving forward, but I'm not going to cheer when she sabotages herself, and I end up feeling like a nag or a mom or something. We keep running into issues with this because she has asked me to point out when she is doing something outside of what she's told me she wants for herself, then when I do, she gets really mad at me. I am nearing the end of my rope but really don't want to lose the friendship.
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Old 11-30-2014, 05:21 AM
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well... I don't know how well I do this, but ...

First off, can you tell her that you are not going to be her watcher...telling her if she doesn't do what she says she wants for herself? Just explain that it isn't your place to do so ... that it isn't something you are able to do for her.

I think the hardest part in relationships is learning to step back. I have to remember that even though I have an opinion about what is good or bad, right or wrong for others or even myself. I don't truly know. Some people would end up suicidle if they let their son live at home without working till 35, others would end up suicidle if they kicked them out on the street...and all the shades between...

My co-worker always wants to tell me all the stuff she does (that I think is "wrong", "studpid", and often boarderline "evil) is "right", "ok", "reasonable". I don't tell her that. I just listen and don't comment. IF she specifically asks my opinion I try to respond as little as possible with words that are not approving or disapproving and change the topic.

Sometimes what keeps the friendships going and strong isn't so much the deep connection stuff...sometimes it is being able to have activities and conversations that are not about deep life stuff ... just about fun with your dogs (or cats), a good movie, cooking a nice meal...stuff like that. I think that may be what gets people through the times when they actually don't even like each other at all (hug).

That's just my general thoughts at the moment. I'm not real sure about most things these days... I just try to pay attention to how I react to things and wait to see how REALLY paying attention to that will change me. OK...now I sound crazy LOL

Take care of yourself CG! You make one choice at a time doing the next indicated thing and you will come through this. Somewhere inside there is a compass that will let you know what direction to head next...just listen and watch for it. And it really isn't important what others or even your own personality "think" is the right direction ... I think some people call it the quiet voice inside....

OK...gotta run ... only 2 hours behind schedule at the moment. It's funny how someone like me who doesn't even believe that time exists is such a slave to it LOL

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