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Class of November 2008 Part 14

Old 07-18-2014, 09:22 PM
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Hi guys! Just thought I would check in and I see that I missed some posts. Today is my 8 month sober anniversary, and I can't believe it.

It's been a nightmare two weeks. I went to Utah for a vacation with my best friend starting on the 4th of July. On our second day there, while I was in the absolute middle of nowhere, I got a call that my mom was in the hospital and had a half hour to live. She has COPD and my dad had found her unconscious in her apartment and called 911. It slowly turned into she wouldn't make it through the night, then she might make it but would have to go on hospice, and then she somehow stabilized enough to return home. She made a miraculous recovery from this episode, but her disease is end stage now and she is on a palliative care program and we are checking in on her all the time. Trying to apply for Medicaid so she can get extra help at home. She forgets things easily (like whether she's taken meds) and it's terrifying. Family drama is at an all-time high. Very stressful.

On that first night in Utah, after we drove back to Salt Lake City to catch the first flight out, I was planning my relapse when I returned back home. Thank god my friend was there and wouldn't let me drink. I have made it so far without any more huge cravings, but this is the event I have always worried about in terms of my sobriety. My counselor is helping me work out a relapse prevention plan specific to when the next medical crisis happens and when my mom dies. This is so scary.

Although I'm not drinking, I did pick up smoking again (since my mom is dying from it, makes total sense), and I see all the old addiction patterns coming back. I'll quit tomorrow, I'll just have a couple, people smoke for years and never have a problem so it's okay, etc etc etc. My plan is to quit when I go back to work on Monday, and use any programs I need if I find it too hard.

As my counselor pointed out, I am lucky to be sober right now so I can be fully present for my mom and enjoy the time I have left with her. But it really, really sucks.

I hope everyone else is doing well.
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Old 07-18-2014, 09:53 PM
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I'm glad to hear from you CG. I'm sorry about your mom tho.
Hearty congrats on the 8 months - but yeah, lose those cigs - they're bad news...

D
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:27 PM
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I'm sorry things are so hard cg ... but I have to say the 8 months sober will be a huge plus as you go through this time.

I've been through a number of family things like this, and I know that being sober is the best gift to give to a family member who is suffering.

I'm not doing ok here, but I've put plans in place to "change the ending". I have to call the Dr. tomorrow to see if he can prescribe something to help control the shakes as I go through this (assuming it will be a script for the first 3 days). It sounds stupid, but it isn't a little shaking .... it's like I can't hold a cigarette or a cup of coffee or pretty much do anything without shaking. and it's big shakes ... not something you can pass off at work. Can't drive, cook, or work when I get to 24 hours off the alcohol.

I'm so tired of every moment being about how can I not drink, or how can I get my next drink... To me it is the same obsession just turned on it's head.

I've been through this at a lower level before, so I know it's really about getting through the first few days and building your strength (physically). Mom is going to come "babysit" for at least 3 days. If I go to treatment it is like taking a 10,000$ 10 day vacation .... I can do this with a babysitter, but not without.

I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm making the right decision, but I tried calling some past AA friends and the local mental health center and they all hung up on me. I'm not blaming them! I need physical presence to help me get to the bathroom, eat, move for the first few days. Mom coming to stay is not ideal because I have a history of drinking after her visits because she makes me so angry. But we have had some hard discussions and I'm hoping we can keep things more uplifting and oh I don't know ... it's not her fault, its just that it isn't the best plan...just the only one I feel I have available at the moment.

I'll be calling the Dr. tomorrow. The hope is that he will give me something to stop the shakes since I have never abused the medications he has given me.

OK ... on the up side... I saw a deer in my front lawn this morning and also spent some time with the dogs in the back yard. I'm so lucky to have what I have. As hard as work is when I'm drinking and when I'm sober (and especially if I'm trying to detox) .... It's a good job with good people overall (Ok.. I'm not sure that's true... but they are certainly appreciative, supportive and respect my abilities and work)

I'll try to check in soon, but the truth is I'm so ashamed and embarrassed that it may take me some time to be able to come here.

Long long Debbie downer and self pity post. But I'm going to move on from this no matter what! I will get sober. It's the staying part that I'm worried about, but until I can get some sober time, I'm not sure I can get the hope on that.

I just care about all of you too much to not tell you what's going on. I worry I'm just being a burden or worse that you all may have given up on me too. But it was time to write this and let it go so I can focus on getting sober and staying that way.

arrggggg

ok ...thanks for letting me get that out!
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Old 07-30-2014, 04:31 PM
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ok .. the dr is on board. A script for my mom to administer during the first 4 day. Then an appointment to see him on day 4...but I can go in tomorrow or Friday if I'm struggling. (they have endless patience)

I'm working to get the counseling and psyc stuff set up... made two phone calls and even though it isn't in place yet .... I've committed and it should work out in the next couple of days (it takes so long to get through all the red tape )

If things get too bad I'll have to take time off this week, but the plan is to do the detox on Friday at 5pm.

well that's enough of me.

Honestly I looked at some of my old stuff here and I always believed it was hope that gets you to be sober, not consequences. It's probably a mix of both, but without hope it doesn't work (the belief you can re-write the ending). I'm still scared and stuff ... but I do have more hope that I can do this in a more permanent way right now.

Part of this journey is that my Dr. and I will discuss the medicine I took and did well on to gain and keep sobriety last year. Additionally we will work on the temporary and long term medical issues, and I will have a psych help figure out if there are other meds that really are needed to allow me to sleep and not stress as I work through the therapy and long term plan.

Rambling ....

I'll check in later this week.

Nands
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Old 07-30-2014, 09:10 PM
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Aw, nands, I'm sorry you're struggling and suffering. It sounds like you are doing the right things - looking back at what has and hasn't worked for you in the past. I'm glad you told us what was happening, and of course we haven't given up on you. Is there anything new that you have never tried that might help you out this time? For me, I had to keep trying more and more scary things until I found the thing that has worked for me so far (accountability outside of myself + counseling, but I know it's different for everyone).

You have nothing to be ashamed of here, we have all been where you are. I will be thinking about you.

My mom has rebounded really well and I actually think her quality of life is better now than it was before, although her disease is never going to improve. She even put on makeup the other day - a small thing but it made me so happy because she hasn't had the energy or felt like she had a reason to for a long time. She is getting out for some walks with my brother too, which she really enjoys and also hasn't done for awhile.

Still working on cutting out those damn cigs...
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Old 07-30-2014, 09:15 PM
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I've been away with stuff Nands...I really believe it's never too late and there's never a point to give up hope

It sounds like you have the Doc and your mom involved...both good things.

I'm glad your mom is doing better too CG

Best wishes with the smokes...
D
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Old 07-31-2014, 06:39 PM
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I'm really trying to figure out a plan.

I have the pshyc stuff fixed up to go but it won't happen till after August 11. But the Dr's help will give me something to try and get through the first few days....followed by an appointment. He is not going to let me just change addictions with a medication.

I'm really scared. But I'm also hopeful. Then I just get anxious which is why I will be doing medication for the first few days. I really wish I could quit right now but I'm too scared of not making it work tomarrow. I know that's stupid, but it is big for me and not just an excuse to drink that it sounds like.

So I'm focusing on that drinking is over as of noon tomarrow and then I have a whole 2 days to get into some sort of order.

I just have to believe. It has to be possible. No matter how many times I've relapsed.

CG I'm so glad your mom is doing a bit better and I'm sorry I'm too in myself to give more support.

OK ... I just don't know how much I'll check in over this "detox" so please keep hoping for me (hug)

I've gotta go... (hug)
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Old 07-31-2014, 06:57 PM
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best wishes to you Nands

D
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Old 07-31-2014, 07:00 PM
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It IS possible, nands. And I know you can do it.
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Old 08-01-2014, 06:55 AM
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OK ... I'm trying to use chat for help as well ... but posting here seems important.

I called in sick. I just could not drive drunk one more time to try and "meet responsibilities". So I will start to detox now and it will be about 6 hours before it gets "hairy" (shake rattle and roll). I have meds to help and I will start them in about 4 hours cause for a while I won't be having issues as I drank.

I have a longer term plan to help with anything that is "other issues" ... like well.. you all know me enough to know there are other issues LOL But I'm looking toward the long term and taking care of the short term.

I'm so scared. But I'm not a bad person and I'm not sicker than anyone else despite what my head is telling me right now. I'm going to get though the detox which will take a few days and I've set up follow up (despite the hoops making it take longer than is good for my resolve).

OK .. I'll try to check in lter and sorry to "hog" the thread.

Nands
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Old 08-01-2014, 05:05 PM
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How are you feeling now, nands? I'm proud of you for not driving drunk, you made a good choice.

Bringing back this one for old time's sake
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Old 08-02-2014, 05:00 AM
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I think I'm as well as can be expected this morning. Mom isn't up yet. I took one anxiety pill, but not 2 ccause when I took two yesterday when I started to get shakes and axiety I could hardly get up off the chair or couch. I guess I may be gonna be weak for another 48 hours

Mom or my son will probably get some ensure for me this morning as the first 2 days it is usually hard fro me to eat and I need protein, potassium and vitamens so that I do get stronger by Monday.

We were going to do laundry at the laundry mat today...but I think it may have to wait till tomarrow. It will be a 3 hour job just to get it rounded up and sorted and we could do that today as it doesn't envolve as much carrying and moving from machine to machine etc.

CG - my sister in law has copd and she still smokes. Of course I probably will still smoke when I get it ... but I am going to try those E-ciggeretes, cause when my SIL used those for a while she made tremendous improvement.

Thanks to all of you.
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Old 08-02-2014, 05:02 AM
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I hope today ends up a good day for you Nands

D
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Old 08-02-2014, 09:22 AM
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Glad to hear you are progressing nands, just take it easy this weekend and don't try to do too much. Your laundry will always be there.

My mom got diagnosed over 10 years ago and continued to smoke. Then she went on 24/7 oxygen... and continued to smoke. She only stopped three months ago because she couldn't draw a breath to light the cigarette. I say all this as I just put out my fourth or fifth one this morning. (I am so proud of you Dee for getting your own smiley)

My best friend from college and her husband and daughter (who is my goddaughter) are driving down from Seattle today to stay overnight with me and see my mom. They will be here early afternoon so I am frantically cleaning the house. I am so excited to see them, and we are planning to have my niece over tomorrow morning so the two little ones can meet. Very excited about that, but my niece's mom is a piece of work so I'm hoping nothing goes awry.

I got some slightly positive news last night - the doctors are considering taking my mom off of palliative care because they are not sure she is "end of life" anymore with all of her improvements. They are going to give it a little more time, though.

I will check in as I have time. Have a good weekend everyone!
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Old 08-02-2014, 04:01 PM
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have a good weekend CG

D
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Old 08-04-2014, 06:58 PM
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My weekend went really well. Everyone showed up for brunch yesterday. My niece got to meet and play with my goddaughter, I got to meet my brother's girlfriend, and everyone got along nicely. It was really good to see my friend and share my drinking/recovery story with her. She has an eating disorder and so was able to relate to a lot of what I was saying. I was very sad to see everyone go and wish it could have been longer.

Nands, how are you doing today? Did you end up going back to work?
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Old 08-10-2014, 05:09 AM
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Sorry ... been a long week.

We got the laundry done, mom stayed 5 days (4 days too long), and work was work. At least I didn't drink again as soon as mom left (usually being around her pisses me off so bad I drink the minute she leaves). Spent a lot of time hearing about what is wrong with me, what I need to do, and what I need to spend the money she gave me on (I need it to pay bills and she wants me to redo floors and stuff). I just tried to not react and ignore it ... but I was pretty depressed and angry by the time she left.

I start through all the hoops they will make me jump to get to be back on medication for my "mental health" and my physician is going to be jumping through the hoops to get me back on medication (vivitrol) for my alcoholism. We are looking at this all taking about 3-6 weeks to happen, so until then the doctor is keeping me on an anti-anxiety medication that he isn't real comfortable with and we can't do for more than 6 weeks. He felt that we need to do what we can till we can get a better plan in place.

My first appointment to get me to a psychiatrist is tomorrow. That is Alcoholism testing (for the 20th time) cause I can't get a counselor till I do that. Then they let me see an alcoholism counselor (takes time to get that done), then he/she can refer me to a "non-alcoholism counselor (dual diagnosis), and then that one can refer me to a psychiatrist for medication.

If I were reborn knowing what I know now, and not being alcoholic, I would be up every politician and doctor's face to change how things are handled! I have a number of problems, one of which is alcoholism. But to refuse to treat the others because I can't seem to stay sober is not right. I'm not hopeful right now about staying sober (and to me it is the staying sober forever that matters in that part of my problems... anything less just doesn't mean diddly) but I still think that if I am on proper medication and getting therapy for the crazy crap that is there whether I'm sober 7 years or drunk for 2 ... would be helpful.

I know that drinking effects me and makes me hard to treat and yep it may happen again, but I could still learn to deal differently with family, work and stuff. I'm still a human being. I still deserve help. Sorry but I'm pretty frustrated.

If I thought people could be scared into sobriety I would share something more on the main boards...but if you are an alcoholic like me, fear and consequences don't really help to sober you up or keep you sober. I now have Neuropathy. It's "mild". The doctor says the nerve damage will never repair, but if I don't drink it won't get worse and right now it's "not too bad". I was pretty depressed about it, but I can learn to manage it. When I got home after talking to him I realized what had happened a couple of days before. I was feeling stressed and thought a nice hot bath would help relax me. I poured the bath and it seemed like the water wasn't very warm, but I went ahead and got in, feet first. Barely warm water ... sat down .... scalded the crp out of my legs. My feet can't feel the heat But now I know that I have to be very careful cause I won't feel the heat or cold in my feet. So I can learn to live with this. Like I said ... the neuropathy isn't at the point to cause me to have trouble walking or anything dramatic ... I just have to be careful about baths and watch to be sure I don't get a cut or injury without noticing and caring for it. Also I will probably not regain my muscle strength completely. It isn't that I'm out of shape it's that I've caused some major damage.

OK ... I rattled on. I'll post more positive in a few days after I get some counceling.
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Old 08-10-2014, 05:49 AM
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Ananda,

Thanks for posting, what happens to you matters to us. If I can offer a suggestion about the neuropathy: please have the thermostat on your water heater turned down, or at least have thermometers handy at all the faucets in your house. This is not mere cosmetics, beyond burning you are at risk for infections that otherwise would never affect you.

Please take care of yourself, and don't worry about "downer" posts - nobody can help if their are unaware of what is going on.

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Old 08-10-2014, 08:24 PM
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Glad to hear from you nands! A few years ago, when I was struggling to get sober, you told me that when you first stopped drinking, you had to take things one minute at a time, and that you would ask yourself "do I have everything I need right now?". I used that advice a lot in the first few weeks of getting sober and it helped me a lot, so I am throwing it back to you

I'm sorry to hear about the neuropathy. That was one of the things that scared me the most when I was drinking. I started to wake up with a lot of tingling sensations in my feet and was worried that I was getting it. Very scary. It sounds like yours is mild, though, and you should be able to handle it just fine once you get used to it. Still really sucks though. And please be careful with those baths!

I'm in a funk this weekend for a few reasons. Things are okay, and I'm not going to drink. In fact, my plan is to quit smoking after the two I have left tonight, so wish me luck! Should be fun, since I'm pretty sure I'm headed for a hell day at work tomorrow, not because of work but because of relationships at work.

I'm going to a Tom Petty concert on Tuesday night, so I've been listening to some of the classics. "Don't Come Around Here No More" is currently on repeat on my iTunes, and is matching my mood quite nicely.

I hope everyone checks in soon
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Old 08-11-2014, 01:58 AM
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CG

I'll try to remember the one minute thing Thank you!

You should be concerned when you get the tingling in your feet cause that is how it starts. I've been reading up on it and apparently for alcoholics it has to do with lack of proper nutrition. Now my personal opinion is it isn't even just about not eating correctly to get vitamins, but I believe that when I drink, even for a short period at this point, my body doesn't use the vitamins correctly...they somehow don't get in my system. That is just my opinion cause I do eat properly for the most part now.

I love using the "smileys" We use to be very creative with them! my all time favorite is the Karma tornado!

As jiggy use to say ... I'm up at "daft o'clock in the morning". I'm pretty nervous about my appointment with the counselor today. I'm missing a critical morning at work to do this, but it has to happen so I can move forward. I have emails prepped to send at 7am to the 10 students who haven't done their paperwork which is due Friday at noon to let them know that if they haven't scheduled an appointment with me, it is first come first serve and they may not be on payroll in time for the first paycheck. The international students can't help that things are at the last minute, but the domestic students are just plain lazy so I have to just let them suffer the consequences of their lack of effort.

Eddie ... thank you for your post! I am going to be very careful about the temperature thing. At this point I am ok with being sure I check the temperature with my elbow, but if I do mess up again and things get worse I will need to look at the thermometer idea. My son adjusted the hot water heater yesterday so hopefully that will help as well. I'm checking my feet nightly now for any injuries. Last night I scratched my foot because I get itchy and I broke the skin. I put antibiotic ointment on it and will keep an eye on things. Geez I feel like an idiot!

I'm not feeling real hopeful, but I'm not feeling super down either. Maybe my brain is as numb as my feet lol

CG ... I love Tom Petty although I don't listen to his music much. Have you ever watched "The Postman"? He is awesome in that! It's one of my all time favorite movies exploring the whole concept of myth/reality. Kevin Costner is excellent in this movie! Will Patton is great too! Please think about watching it if you haven't seen it.

ok ... I'm gonna take a 2 hour nap and then go to my appointments. Everyone have a good day!

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