Ananda

CG ... I can't wait to see the pics and hear the story. I know Soozies death was very hard for you, and relate after having Connie die in February (although for different reasons I'm guessing...but death is death regardless of the how (hug)).

It's so weird to get older and start to see death happening to people you know. Because we are all in contact with alkie/addicts...we probably see more of it earlier than some. I know it's just the cycle of life...if we are born we will die. But it sometimes gets a bit freaky.

What is awesome is that soozie has inspired you in your sobriety. Connie did the same thing for me. I still miss her. But I also know that I was lucky to have her in my life for the time I did and that is a "blessing".

I feel we are blessed by every interaction we have with each other. As I was once told... "people come in to your life for a while and then they go". I can focus on the "then they go" part and suffer (which I do at times) or I can focus on the joy of having people a part of my life for whatever time they can be. How lucky am I to have the people I have had travel with me! "blessed" is the best word I know to describe it.

Looking forward to your pics if you can figure it out...but if not...just having you share what you do is good enough (hug).

Nands

Ananda

Pix!

Day 8 is awesome!!!!!!

I'm betting you are past the worst of some of this

The challenges shift and change but you really have done awesome in getting through this first part!

I'm still struggling with the tired and then the not able to sleep thing....but I have to remember that's ok. I'm getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night and although that isn't really sufficient for me, it's not at a level that I need to have medical help. If it doesn't straighten out or gets too bad I will talk to the dr. and get some medication to get me back on a proper sleep schedule. that has worked in the past and I'm not afraid of taking medically indicated meds. Lack of sleep can kill (per my Dr) in indirect ways...depression, bad driving, etc.

Obviously since I'm posting at 3 am it is a bit of an issue, but tonight is the worst I've had since the first week of detox...I'm figuring a blip in the road.

I had an attack of "moral indignation" yesterday....someone doing what we call "double dipping". Submitted for reimbursement for travel expenses that were paid by her home department...but since she isn't being honest about things...well we didn't know we were double paying something. I have worked hard at this job to remember that I am NOT the moral compass for the department or for anyone. It's simply an allowable payment or not. But inside I am horrified when I see this sort of thing...pssed off to see someone double submit expenses...

I'm going to try and sleep for a few hours now. I woke up at about 1am and I'm learning how to judge when I'm not going to go back to sleep...then I try to get up and do something...post, watch TV, do some dishes....and then go back to bed later when I'm more relaxed.

I got a lot of work done yesterday, but didn't get some stuff done that needs to be done. I'm sorta ok with that...I can only do what I can do and like I said I got a lot done...just not the thing I wanted to get done lol

Today is a new day and I have a plan...but I will expect the unexpected and roll with how the day unfolds

Hope you have a good day

Ananda

I'm struggling ... but still sober.

I hyperventilated after a meeting today (but no one saw) and then burst into tears.

I know I have to change...but I don't know if I can. I take doing everything to help people at work real seriously...but it means I take on to much...which puts me in danger of collapsing and drinking....ok I know that's an excuse. But I have to find a way to stop taking on the "elephant".

I talked to mom a bit (trying to down play how hard it is cause she doesn't need that). I'm going to go to chat and try to vent a bit.

My house is clean and I'm sober. I just get scared I won't be able to keep this going. My professors are supportive of how hard things are work wise, but as a professional I try to be sure I don't lean too heavy on them.

I just keep coming back to this feeling like a moral issue that I'm somehow being a wooze. I don't know....I'm confused.

For tonight ... I've put my car keys in my son's hands (which he doesn't need to deal with) and I'm gonna try and decompress. I think I may be the oldest of us. I've been fighting this a long time and I'm not willing to go down again.

I still have health issues even when I'm sober (as I know others of you do). feeling sorry for myself won't help. I need to buck up and do the deal (put my big girl pants on).

I guess I just have to MAKE A DESISION to NOT DRINK...no matter what. That seems to be the bottom line.

Sorry to whine, but better to whine the actually go to the liquor store! I think I'm safe for tonight, but really worried about doing this deal long term

Dee74

Can you delegate some of the workload Nands?

D

Ananda

That is what I have to work on...

We are a 2 person office. When I delegate to the other person, she checks back every little step of the process and it just doesn't seem to work. She isn't independent and lacks the confidence to just take it on. I have permission to hire a student hourly, but I'm really a poor person at choosing the right employees...has never worked well.

But! On the bright side! I did hire one really good employee once and did delegate A LOT to her (mostly cause at that time I was off on family medical leave and missed 3 months twice in about 18 months...so she had to do it).

I stayed home and cried for several hours and so woke up sober but shaking with some anxiety. I have always struggled with that when I get discouraged I go supper down...I get paranoid...I emotionally react inapproprietly. But it actually only lasts 6 hours tops...but I've learned you can destroy relationships and really create havoc in 6 hours (LOL).

My boss has really helped by taking the lead on some of the budget stuff (which is my favorite part, but something he is capable of doing with very little help from me) and several professors will be placing their own orders and getting reimbursed IF I tell them it's ok...I'll do that today.

I even think I may be developing a new face to face friendship with the woman who came to clean my house with her husband. You probably remember my "drunk housekeeper" time (and Rach died from this disease about 6 months after I had to fire her). This couple are not drinkers and seem like just steady nice people. The wife has emailed me several times now and said that she hopes we will stay in contact

OK ... gotta go try and clean up some work emails so I'll be a bit less overwhelmed when I go in this morning.

Thanks for being here Dee. I know you know it matters (hug)

Dee74

Not always sure I do much LOL but always glad to be here Nands

D

Ananda

God I'm so screwed ... I've struggled for months with difficulties getting in chat...now I'm in crises and can't get in... I'm sure I'll be fine but boy do I need to talk

ok ... I'll try it one more try. sorry to be a pain. Sober but struggling to not give up...(and as said before I just have to wait out the 6 hour mind fck lol )

Dee74

I hope you got in Nands.

The usual problem is your version of Java - sometimes using a different browser helps?

D

Ananda

I'm ok ... just over reacting as usual...I'll check back in the morning (hug) thanks for caring.

Dee74

Have a good night Nands

D

Ananda

Oh Wow ... watching the movie on Secretariat and really reminded me of my love horse Jimmy. He wouldn't fit a mold and everyone thought he was a looser in his younger years...But he had the heart of a true show horse and could 5 gait like no one's business. I remember how the owners came up to me one night to say how amazing it was when I rode him down the lane at a rack. And I only got to ride him cause the "real" trainer was scared lol. A horse who wanted to show but needed a light touch

Unfortunately he died young. At 6 months (way back in the 70s) I was offered to buy him for 500$. a years later with some training I did myself, I was offered to buy him for 5K. I didn't have 5K at 15 years old lol . He went to the fancy trainer and died of colic a few months later. He had crooked legs but he was a great show horse. To this day I miss him and all he had... the fire, the love the showmanship.

I was blessed to have him for the time I did. At a time where my life was in chaos with incest (I wasn't drinking yet), Jimmy gave me a much needed feeling that I could work with things no matter how out of control they seemed. He worked with me He never bucked me off or scraped me on the fence (although it was close at times lol ) When we rode together he was dancing on the wind and I was too! If you've never ridden a horse like that I'm not sure I can explain .... but it was probably the high point of my life. We were together and in the moment, free, happy and powerful.

Pixy1

Hey nands, sorry to hear you have been struggling. You know you can get hold of me still even when I'm not on here.

Ananda

Mom and guests will be arriving late this afternoon. I have things in order

The plan for what we are doing ... the organization ... just keeps changing, but we will be fine

I planned to work only in the morning, but Chris told me last night he needs to take me to work so he has the car (not sure why) ... his last final is at 4:20 (I think) .... So I may work till he comes in for his final and leave around 4pm instead of noon ... I think that will be less complicated.

Tonight we have to do a salad and iron his gown and figure out the "mortar" cap (I think that is what it is called). Then I decided that the best way in the morning is for him to take our van to go in at 7:30 and the rest of us to come in by 8:30 in a separate vehicle for the ceremony. There are lot's of people who will be sharing the bathroom in the morning and not enough room in one car to work so that seems best.

Nia brought in a present for me last night .... I thought it was a piece of her "squeaky squirle toy" ... but when I picked it up it was a dead mole! LOL I've never seen one before and so was surprised at how small and cute they look. Gunny assured us that he helped with the digging of holes to get to it although he was not particularly interested in the mole itself. Anyhow ... another critter I've never seen ...

Hope you all are doing well. I'm still struggling, but I have support and am doing ok. I can't believe how poorly I do stress LOL The Deans office sent over someone to help me push out some work and rethink some things. My co-worker has been very helpful. What works in processing paperwork when you have 70K to spend in a year and what works when you go up to 250K are not the same so I have to rethink how I processs paperwork. Although I hesitate on some of the suggestions, I'm open to it and am going to try some things I'm not comfortable with for a few months and then evaluate.

OK ... I did screw up and drink last Sunday. Even though it was only one day...the havoc it caused on my body and mind was like a two week binge. I'm back in the game and I'm making some changes (like I said at work, but also at home). Even though there is always an excuse if I want one, It does seem that my success at staying sober is increased if I make the needed changes at home and work and most of all in my thinking. I will never understand how I ever even consider it as an option! I seem to create my own stress (to some extent) which leads to me thinking I have a reason to drink. That's pure bull! Although the first step is don't go to the liquer store, the second step ... stop creating stress...has to follow. I'm thinking it comes down to change or die.

I really hope everyone is ok. I'll check in this weekend after graduation is over.

Ananda

I care a lot about all of you. I'm a bit concerned, but then again ... people have outside support and often don't come here.

I'm ok and on track again. Graduation was a mixed bag lol I almost fell asleep during the 2 hours of calling up each graduate from the college. But I cried several times (to my mom's embarrassment). My department head came out of the procession line to hug me, as did another professor that was there! I think they got it more than my family ... just how big it was after all the struggles to see him succeed in a way that none of my siblings, nieces or nephews have. It's not as impressive as dad's Harvard PHD, (LOL) but the next best thing So yep that sounded pretty arrogant and self centered lol

Anyhow ... things are ok. I have things set up so if someone posts here I get an email. For now I'll just let go, just wanted to end things on a high note

Dee74

Sorry Nands

I'm pretty good at keeping up with the hundreds of threads here, but sometimes a post or two slips through.

It doesn't mean I don't like you or don't want to hear whats happening with you

I'm glad the graduation went well and I'm glad the falling off was only one day.

Hope you'll keep posting

D

Ananda

MMMM... not sure why but I didn't get a message that someone posted!

Aw Dee (hug) yep I stuck it to one day and now have over a month. I still can't figure out why I drink when I don't even buy into the idea that it will turn out ok....pretty much given up on the god thing. I only "thank and please" the deity out of superstition, and it obviously doesn't work. And if god is all loving and caring and knowing...he/she wouldn't "punish" me with not letting me stay sober because I don't truly believe... heck not how I would treat my child!

Anyhow ... it is my problem to solve, not some deity's. So I will do my best. I'm at the point where I don't believe I can be "sober forever". It just hasn't been my experience. And I don't want to "die sober" cause that might mean I have to die before my next drink and I would rather live through the next drink that might come.

I know that sounds like saying it's ok to drink, but that isn't what I mean. What I mean is I want to live. This is really really a big deal for me cause I was suicidal for quite some time. The last few years I haven't been. I want to stay sober soooo much! But I simply will not give up living because I don't do it to other's satisfaction. I will continue to explore every way to NOT Drink. Drinking never takes me to a place I want to go.

OK ... sorta a rant and Dee (hug) remember that it isn't your job to save the world (hug). I don't envy you your commitment to SR. remember you are not god and thus can't always do it all (hug).

Nands

Dee74

No worries Nands - I just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you or nuthin'

and I get what you mean - just remember it's never too late to write a new ending to your story



D

Ananda

Hi!

I am at the tail end of a major depression episode, and I didn't drink!!! Although I'm still running late at getting ready for work, I am able to move a bit quicker today and have some energy!

Things are going ok here (in reality).

the doggies got a baby bunny last night But I think it might have survived. Since it was under a branch that just fell on the yard in a storm 2 days ago it couldn't have been more than a day old. It may even have been a new born. There was just the one and when we saved it it was wet all over like a newborn and it's mom was outside the fence watching ... I'm afraid it may have been that the dogs got to the mom when she was giving birth... Anyhow, we put it by the tree outside our fence and as I understand it mom bunnys don't have a problem accepting babies touched by humans.

OK .. gotta go to work!

Have a great day!

Pixy1

Hey Nands, good to hear things are going ok. The wild life events your having are a daily occurrence here. From mice to a swarm of wasps!! it's been a nightmare! Still...two new little kittens have added to the laughter in the house

"just remember it's never too late to write a new ending to your story"

Wise words Dee, very wise words indeed!

Dee74

Thanks Pix - hope things are going ok for you - and you too Nands

D