Class Of February 2014 Part 8
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Thank you! It feels different this time. I think the times before I was quitting more for external reasons. This time I'm quitting for myself. I always had in the back of my mind that I'd probably drink again some day. I kept telling myself "just make it till tomorrow and then you can drink". Then I'd finally give in. This time I'm in it for the long run. I'm done. I don't need to drink ever again and I'm finally ok with that. The last several times I relapsed were such bummers. Drinking will never be the same for me again. I'm glad I'm finally out of that hell I was in.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 436
Congrats LuLu on 3 months!!! Way to go! 
It's only taken me 5 years, but I finally had my doctor's appointment today. She's a new doctor and I was a nervous wreck but she was very understanding and I think I'm going to like her. I have an appointment for fasting blood work and the whole 9 yards so at least I finally got the ball rolling. I was really up front about the whole drinking thing and she suggested I try Prozac for anxiety (I previously had been on Paxil 10 years ago before I started self-medicating with the vino.) I filled the prescription and that will be my next huge step - actually taking it, lol.
Wow - mother-in-law yesterday and doctor today! Who is this woman??!!
It's only taken me 5 years, but I finally had my doctor's appointment today. She's a new doctor and I was a nervous wreck but she was very understanding and I think I'm going to like her. I have an appointment for fasting blood work and the whole 9 yards so at least I finally got the ball rolling. I was really up front about the whole drinking thing and she suggested I try Prozac for anxiety (I previously had been on Paxil 10 years ago before I started self-medicating with the vino.) I filled the prescription and that will be my next huge step - actually taking it, lol.
Wow - mother-in-law yesterday and doctor today! Who is this woman??!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
Hi everyone,
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but I am doing well. Been sober for 44 days and had my first ultrasound yesterday where we saw the little heartbeat
We were very relieved to see everything is looking good, so far. Will have another ultrasound in 3 weeks (when I am 12 weeks) to have the genetic screening done. Ugh, very, very anxious for that one as this was when we lost our last baby.
Happy to see those of you who are still here and posting. Whether you are feeling strong in your sobriety or you are struggling it always helps to come here and know that you are not alone. Stay strong and keep fighting
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but I am doing well. Been sober for 44 days and had my first ultrasound yesterday where we saw the little heartbeat
We were very relieved to see everything is looking good, so far. Will have another ultrasound in 3 weeks (when I am 12 weeks) to have the genetic screening done. Ugh, very, very anxious for that one as this was when we lost our last baby. Happy to see those of you who are still here and posting. Whether you are feeling strong in your sobriety or you are struggling it always helps to come here and know that you are not alone. Stay strong and keep fighting
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Originally Posted by drink 
I have 75 days sober-today for some reason I am very angry & cynical thinking I have to feel like this and not drink & have this "disease" the rest of my life?!-I really want to get drunk!
Don't pick up the first drink. I also don't like thinking of it as a disease. I just try and spin it in my head as a poison. It damages our bodies and plenty of scientific evidence about that. I try to think "why would I poison myself" instead of a "why can't I have a drink!"
Can you go for a walk - let off some steam?
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Lulu - Congratulations on the 3 months of sobriety. I liked how you explained the way you did it this time was that drinking was off the table in the back of your mind. That you mean it this time. I still struggle with this concept. So I guess I'm stuck on - one day at a time - don't drink today.
Drink - Despite the frustration you are going through - please acknowledge that 75 days is a great achievement. Congratulations! Day 76 is just around the corner.
LB2 - I'm glad that you're getting good news so far with the new baby. I really hope it continues so you can worry less and get ready for the new little one.
I meet with an old coworker today. My job that was 6 years long had a very negative person who crushed my self esteem and really took me for a ride. This person wasn't even my boss but went through people and people were fired or just tormented. I had lots of counseling to recognize the bullying, cope with it and recover from it after I finally left the job (abruptly - not gracefully)
I had always suspected this person had a rough home life and this behavior was a result of this. So it's been five years and my coworker was next on the target list after I left. With help of her Union she avoided getting fired. About two years latter, the bully found a new life partner and married. He became pleasant and caring at work. A complete 180 said my co-worker. I said, I'm thankful to hear that is what happening versus the evilness I envisioned was still going on. I mean job losses were at 4 people from the hands of one.
They miss my work - I did an awesome job. I think I'm going to use the news update as a way to forgive this person. I felt they weren't always evil - I saw moments of good. I'm relieved.
My coworker however had very sad news that her marriage fell apart. I thought they were strong. She must've needed to talk because we talked about it nearly the whole time. I felt that she needed this. She needed share time.
Very humbling tonight. The bully guy also is going through some cancer and has lived through treatments most people don't. It's like the last two years just wrecked up the people in the old place. It wasn't all bad news. I just thought and I'm fighting a silly self inflicting addiction problem. Ugh.
It was a lovely dinner and I plan on seeing her more often now that I feel comfortable doing so. I just didn't want to deal with old work for a long time after the damage.
Ok - time for homework then bed.
Drink - Despite the frustration you are going through - please acknowledge that 75 days is a great achievement. Congratulations! Day 76 is just around the corner.
LB2 - I'm glad that you're getting good news so far with the new baby. I really hope it continues so you can worry less and get ready for the new little one.
I meet with an old coworker today. My job that was 6 years long had a very negative person who crushed my self esteem and really took me for a ride. This person wasn't even my boss but went through people and people were fired or just tormented. I had lots of counseling to recognize the bullying, cope with it and recover from it after I finally left the job (abruptly - not gracefully)
I had always suspected this person had a rough home life and this behavior was a result of this. So it's been five years and my coworker was next on the target list after I left. With help of her Union she avoided getting fired. About two years latter, the bully found a new life partner and married. He became pleasant and caring at work. A complete 180 said my co-worker. I said, I'm thankful to hear that is what happening versus the evilness I envisioned was still going on. I mean job losses were at 4 people from the hands of one.
They miss my work - I did an awesome job. I think I'm going to use the news update as a way to forgive this person. I felt they weren't always evil - I saw moments of good. I'm relieved.
My coworker however had very sad news that her marriage fell apart. I thought they were strong. She must've needed to talk because we talked about it nearly the whole time. I felt that she needed this. She needed share time.
Very humbling tonight. The bully guy also is going through some cancer and has lived through treatments most people don't. It's like the last two years just wrecked up the people in the old place. It wasn't all bad news. I just thought and I'm fighting a silly self inflicting addiction problem. Ugh.
It was a lovely dinner and I plan on seeing her more often now that I feel comfortable doing so. I just didn't want to deal with old work for a long time after the damage.
Ok - time for homework then bed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Torn I understand what you mean when you say you feel your problem is self-inflicted when others are suffering too, a friend of mine's father passed away due to cancer recently and it made me feel the same way. But it's not like you CHOSE to have a problem and it's certainly not silly, for whatever reason addiction found you and it's a very real illness.
Hope you're well Torn, I always look forward to your posts Always very honest and thought provoking.
Hope you're well Torn, I always look forward to your posts
Always very honest and thought provoking.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,523
I just thought and I'm fighting a silly self inflicting addiction problem.
A problem is a problem, and our problem is a tough one to beat - one of the toughest.
It's kinda self inflicted...but it's not - I doubt anyone here chose to be an alcoholic or drug addict...
and I know looking back I made insane decisions because I was well...insane.
Addiction is an insanity from which we recover.
I had to get out of addiction before I could appreciate that.
It was a character of my addiction to belittle myself & my achievements - I don't need to do it in my recovery too.
I agree that marriages breaking up, kids getting cancer, war, and world hunger may be bigger problems - but that doesn't make our journey any easier...
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
Congratulations on 3 months lulu! You sound firm in your resolve, comfortable, and happy. My counselor uses similar words, suggesting that when I am craving to tell myself, "We aren't doing that today". Sounds small, but it's been working.
Ladybug, I am soooo happy for you, such wonderful news. I know this has been quite a journey for you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I also admire you for staying here with us during your pregnancy!
Drink, all I can say is just try to go back in your mind and remember why you quit in the first place. 75 days is wonderful! Going back to drinking is never, ever worth it. I've done it and each time was a complete waste and I regretted it beyond belief. Keep reaching out and stay strong. And remember that the craving will pass, ride it out. You'll be glad you did.
Day 12 for me, yippee! I feel good, look better already and I'm getting back into jogging and working out. My emotions are a little more stable, being sober allows me to just feel them and not act on them or be overly dramatic. I will need to postpone my counseling session this week because of finances and scheduling, I'm kind of bummed about that. I do have cravings but I know if I drink, I'm not moving forward in any way. And I want to. I was stuck drinking for years, then stuck in the back and forth of drinking and sobriety for 2 years. It was better than drinking and I learned a lot, but I really want to be done with that and just be a sober person for good.
Ladybug, I am soooo happy for you, such wonderful news. I know this has been quite a journey for you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I also admire you for staying here with us during your pregnancy!
Drink, all I can say is just try to go back in your mind and remember why you quit in the first place. 75 days is wonderful! Going back to drinking is never, ever worth it. I've done it and each time was a complete waste and I regretted it beyond belief. Keep reaching out and stay strong. And remember that the craving will pass, ride it out. You'll be glad you did.
Day 12 for me, yippee! I feel good, look better already and I'm getting back into jogging and working out. My emotions are a little more stable, being sober allows me to just feel them and not act on them or be overly dramatic. I will need to postpone my counseling session this week because of finances and scheduling, I'm kind of bummed about that. I do have cravings but I know if I drink, I'm not moving forward in any way. And I want to. I was stuck drinking for years, then stuck in the back and forth of drinking and sobriety for 2 years. It was better than drinking and I learned a lot, but I really want to be done with that and just be a sober person for good.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by gleefan
Drink - Play your tape to the end. For me, drinking started out as a way to unwind, but always ended in a great big mess.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Hi Febbies,
LonelyShadow - It's always good to hear from you. I'm glad you were able to stay sober in spite of the challenges that your situation presented. I had to go to a 40th birthday party with an open bar a while back. It wasn't a heavy drinking crowd, but the hosts, my dad and his wife, who know me as a heavy drinker, wanted to make sure everyone was take care of. I made light of it, and they didn't ask again.
Fabl - It's good to hear from you too. Are you counting down to the last day of school?! I know that between kids sports and end of year activities, I am very busy til mid June.
Torn - I agree with Dee that part of my addiction is to say that my problems don't matter as much as other people's. I'm coming to realize that although addiction and codependency is less serious than, say, war, it deserves my full and rapt attention.
As my sober time grows, I notice that I was more sick, tired and disorganized than I realized. It's ironic that by getting "better" I see how sick I still am and how much more healing I have to do. When I first quit drinking, I thought, "I'm gonna go on a diet, lose weight, and run 10k's again." That didn't happen. Instead I'm seeing that recovery is a process and that my road to health hasn't been a whole lot different than most other alcoholics, at least not so far.
As for my codependency issues, sigh. Needy took a week to reply to my well thought out reply to her text, where I restated my boundaries and my wish to have a mutually enjoyable friendship. She didn't address anything I said, instead turned it into being about her son, saying "(her son) wants to know when you guys are free." As aggravated as I am by her behavior, as decisive and successful as I appear to be, I don't have the tools and skill set to know how to move on from this codependent entanglement.
I'm learning though, and as my sober time grows, things are finally starting to look up. After weeks of barely having the energy to get to work, I am finding that I have more energy to do more things with more people. I'm taking better care of my house. I'm less aggravated by my coworkers. I spend more time with my husband (although him choosing to spend that time drunk is another issue for another time). I have loads more patience with my kids, more capacity to help the mildly autistic one, in particular, process through his feelings and communication. I am leaning on junk food a little less. I'm exercising gently every day. I'm finding that my daily routine is less about self-punishment and more about self-care.
I gratefully acknowledge that I still have a long way to go in recovery, physically, emotionally and spiritually, but even with these few improvements to my life, I see absolutely no need to go back to my old way of life, drinking. I'm glad that you are all a part of my journey.
LonelyShadow - It's always good to hear from you. I'm glad you were able to stay sober in spite of the challenges that your situation presented. I had to go to a 40th birthday party with an open bar a while back. It wasn't a heavy drinking crowd, but the hosts, my dad and his wife, who know me as a heavy drinker, wanted to make sure everyone was take care of. I made light of it, and they didn't ask again.
Fabl - It's good to hear from you too. Are you counting down to the last day of school?! I know that between kids sports and end of year activities, I am very busy til mid June.
Torn - I agree with Dee that part of my addiction is to say that my problems don't matter as much as other people's. I'm coming to realize that although addiction and codependency is less serious than, say, war, it deserves my full and rapt attention.
As my sober time grows, I notice that I was more sick, tired and disorganized than I realized. It's ironic that by getting "better" I see how sick I still am and how much more healing I have to do. When I first quit drinking, I thought, "I'm gonna go on a diet, lose weight, and run 10k's again." That didn't happen. Instead I'm seeing that recovery is a process and that my road to health hasn't been a whole lot different than most other alcoholics, at least not so far.
As for my codependency issues, sigh. Needy took a week to reply to my well thought out reply to her text, where I restated my boundaries and my wish to have a mutually enjoyable friendship. She didn't address anything I said, instead turned it into being about her son, saying "(her son) wants to know when you guys are free." As aggravated as I am by her behavior, as decisive and successful as I appear to be, I don't have the tools and skill set to know how to move on from this codependent entanglement.
I'm learning though, and as my sober time grows, things are finally starting to look up. After weeks of barely having the energy to get to work, I am finding that I have more energy to do more things with more people. I'm taking better care of my house. I'm less aggravated by my coworkers. I spend more time with my husband (although him choosing to spend that time drunk is another issue for another time). I have loads more patience with my kids, more capacity to help the mildly autistic one, in particular, process through his feelings and communication. I am leaning on junk food a little less. I'm exercising gently every day. I'm finding that my daily routine is less about self-punishment and more about self-care.
I gratefully acknowledge that I still have a long way to go in recovery, physically, emotionally and spiritually, but even with these few improvements to my life, I see absolutely no need to go back to my old way of life, drinking. I'm glad that you are all a part of my journey.
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Hi guys, I think I was a bit in shock and raw from the dinner with coworker when I wrote the comment about my addiction being self inflicted and silly. I had a moment, of shame for my battle compared to the ringer my coworker went through.
I absolutely know for us, it's not silly or easy and absolutely a tough problem. So I hope I didn't inadvertently undermine or offend someone. Addiction can be lethal and we've seen it. I myself played Russian roulette with it too many times.
Glee, I admire your determination. I have no advice about needy but in hope needy comes around. Maybe you need to call a friendship timeout as the message about boundaries isn't landing.
I feel like sobriety and recovery are a long way to go. I went to class tonight and driving home, for no particular reason I thought, I could stop and have a beer! 1, I don't like bars. 2, I don't like beer 3, That was not a behavior of mine in the past. Where did this thought come from?
My homework is dependent on my upgrading my software, and last night what should've been half hour process was like three. Sleep jacked, and didn't get ahead on homework! Google maps said class is one hour five minutes drive. Ok. Well I plunk in GPS early, 1.5 hours with traffic. I left work, took 2 hours!!
Place is nicer that other places the school has classes. I like teacher. School has been full of dramas for various reasons, but that stress was gone this time. Nothing funny about teacher, or class, or me drinking and causing more problems.
Home late. Back is in super duper pain now. I think spending last night hunched over laptop triggered then severe pain back. My lunch walk hurt. I'm lying on the floor tonight. I hate our bed. Knock off temper pedic. Did the research and thirty minutes lie there test, but it sinks, and you sweat even with cooling gel. Bed is one year old, but time to donate it and start over. Last bed was fifteen years old, so disappointing.
So with great pain, I had a wonderful day. Work and class good. Don't get that one beer urge but I didn't do anything or stress, it was a fleeting few minutes.
Ok bed, long day tomorrow.
I absolutely know for us, it's not silly or easy and absolutely a tough problem. So I hope I didn't inadvertently undermine or offend someone. Addiction can be lethal and we've seen it. I myself played Russian roulette with it too many times.
Glee, I admire your determination. I have no advice about needy but in hope needy comes around. Maybe you need to call a friendship timeout as the message about boundaries isn't landing.
I feel like sobriety and recovery are a long way to go. I went to class tonight and driving home, for no particular reason I thought, I could stop and have a beer! 1, I don't like bars. 2, I don't like beer 3, That was not a behavior of mine in the past. Where did this thought come from?
My homework is dependent on my upgrading my software, and last night what should've been half hour process was like three. Sleep jacked, and didn't get ahead on homework! Google maps said class is one hour five minutes drive. Ok. Well I plunk in GPS early, 1.5 hours with traffic. I left work, took 2 hours!!
Place is nicer that other places the school has classes. I like teacher. School has been full of dramas for various reasons, but that stress was gone this time. Nothing funny about teacher, or class, or me drinking and causing more problems.
Home late. Back is in super duper pain now. I think spending last night hunched over laptop triggered then severe pain back. My lunch walk hurt. I'm lying on the floor tonight. I hate our bed. Knock off temper pedic. Did the research and thirty minutes lie there test, but it sinks, and you sweat even with cooling gel. Bed is one year old, but time to donate it and start over. Last bed was fifteen years old, so disappointing.
So with great pain, I had a wonderful day. Work and class good. Don't get that one beer urge but I didn't do anything or stress, it was a fleeting few minutes.
Ok bed, long day tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Originally Posted by tornrealization
I feel like sobriety and recovery are a long way to go. I went to class tonight and driving home, for no particular reason I thought, I could stop and have a beer! 1, I don't like bars. 2, I don't like beer 3, That was not a behavior of mine in the past. Where did this thought come from?
I also know that every post anyone writes on here is always written with the best intentions and support at the forethought, you were right to post how you felt)A lad who went to the School for troubled children got in touch again yesterday, he said he was doing really well and again thanked me for my work with him, it makes things seem worthwhile to get a message like that. However, I am disturbed by how often I'm having violent nightmares relating to the school and the particular incidents that caused me to break down and leave the place. I'm going to look into therapy of some sort when I have a little more time, at the moment I'm working two jobs, one of which is unpaid and starting the CYQ course soon as well. Under a bit of pressure I guess but absolutely loving life and cannot believe I'm 84 days sober, it's all thanks to you guys!
The only issue I see at the moment is my father, he's drinking again and I just havn't the energy to confront him on it this time. It might be time I simply left him to it, I have my own battles to fight.
Hope everyone is strong out there, keep your shields up my friends and keep moving forward, one step at a time.
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