gleefan

Hi Febbies,

FABL - I think that there is such a thing as self fulfilling prophecies. I tried AA a few years ago when the court required me to go. I went to the very same group that I attend now. Three years ago I hated it. This time around I find it centering and helpful. You take from it what you need and leave behind what you don't.

Torn - Some folks make it a point to share at every meeting, and don't say a peep. At one of the meetings, a member shared for the very first time after attending that meeting every week for an entire year. Afterwards the regulars followed up with her. Some weeks I linger, but last week I was itchy for the meeting to end, feeling anxious, and was the first one out the door. I figure if anyone understands what I'm going through, these folks do!

Hi Casinva, Courage, and Gazza. I hope everyone is having a peaceful day. My family had a lovely time today at Little League opening day. It was great not to be hungover, sweating, crabby and anxious. I felt strong, not codependent and needy.

I ran into a woman I recognize from hockey at baseball this afternoon. She started talking to me about how relieved she was that a former friend of hers, who started an inappropriate level of conflict on her child's hockey team, wasn't in attendance. I know that they used to be good friends, until OtherNeedy started makig increasing demands on her, like showing up at the house unannounced and getting upset when the friend had to work. I never thought of it before, but today I stood there thinking, WOW, she is in the process of unthreading herself from being tangled in a codependent relationship, right now, just like I am.

Later, while I was running an errand, I was driving along I saw people mowing the lawn, weeding their gardens, and all the nice things people in New England do outside when the weather finally breaks. I stopped for the mailman to cross the street, and realized I recognized him from AA. It got me thinking that I always assume that everyone is shiny and happy, and that I'm the only effed up one, the only one who's faking it in suburbia. But how many of these shiny happy outside people are reeling from a difficult hangover, feeling like they're going to hurl while they hurl mulch into their gardens, or waiting for it to be the "right time" to start drinking? Is the mailman doing internal battle with his AV while he crosses the street? Is that woman from hockey at home stressing that her friend is going to say horrible things behind her back or blow up her phone with hurtful text messages?

Dinner is almost ready at my house. I am looking forward to gobbling up pizza and soda, watching TV with the family, maybe playing a board game, and then hunkering down online later with a bowl of ice cream. Hubby has already started drinking so he'll be in his own world by then.

forabetterlife

Torn, I am similar you as far as sharing in situations like that, so I understood your previous post. Just the thought of going to a meeting causes me such anxiety, let alone the idea of sharing or even speaking at all.
Gleefan, That is really interesting how your first impressions of the meeting you love so much now have changed. I will give it a try, but I think I will wait until it would be so difficult time-wise. And it is so true that everyone has struggles we don't know about. I often need to remind myself of that when I feel inferior, like something is wrong with me, or I'm not good enough.
I just had about 2 hours to myself without kids, and, like automatic pilot, my first thought was to go get a few beers and just relax. I fought it HARD. I just ran around the house doing chore after chore, and then when I saw the sun was out I took my dog for a walk, which is like therapy for me. It was my strongest craving yet in 8 days.
I just keep reminding myself that every day gets better, even when you feel good and think it can't get any better.
Going to pick up my daughter now. Full day of softball tomorrow. Busy is good.

SoberLife2014

Hello peeps,

I attended AA meetings for several months when I was newly sober. I quite enjoyed them. I always found a lot of peace there. Everyone was so welcoming. I didn't mind sharing, either. Perhaps I even over shared. However, I had a very difficult time keeping a sponsor. I just didn't click with any of them. I had 3 of them in about 6 months.
I enjoyed several aspects of AA, but it just wasn't for me. I'm quite an introvert and... the higher power thing just didn't work for me. After the last time I drank, which was in February, I decided I needed to try something different. So, I tried SMART and I love it so far. I also checked out AVRT and I use that as well. I'm coming up on 3 months on Tuesday and I feel confident in my sobriety. In about 4 weeks my husband is going out of town for a week. I think that'll be the true test. I may have to attend some AA meetings just so I won't be lonely and I'll probably need the extra support.
Anyway, beautiful day here. Have some chicken and cornbread in the oven. About to go make some stuffing and gravy to go with it! Take care!

tornrealization

Glee - That is interesting that someone went for a year before sharing. Wow! You're also right. People are able to put up amazing fronts while having this addiction. We just really don't know based off what we see what a person's problems are. We are cetainly not the only ones effed, up! This board has made my jaw drop in just how many people end up with addiction problems. So did IOP, and AA. It is A LOT! It's not a small secret club, it's a large network of people.

FABL! Congratulations for ignoring your auto-pilot and skipping the beers. FABL - 1, AV - 0. Keep up the good work .

Lulu - I know how my hubby being gone is well -is my biggest trigger. Drinking alone, with nobody to see or be accountable for became my favorite moment to drink. I'd start working a plan on what to do and to keep yourself busy. I should look into the other recovery methods you mentioned as well. I know they are out there, but haven't digged in.

See, I decided to do IOP kinda to avoid AA. But IOP wanted AA (according to admit guy) - so I started AA before I even had a treatment plan in IOP. Well the mess in IOP led to my never having a plan so my checking off the 2 AA meetings a week off the list, well the list was never made. I do, somehow still walk away with something each time - even if it's just another sober hour. So despite stress of talking or not talking, I go. I really liked (minus the HUGS city) Sat. morning group for women. They meet so EARLY though - but I maybe could stick around for those (Gazza) to see what happens afterwards. Plus there's LOTS of ladies. A small group that clearly has bonded and everybody knows your name - NO way am I able to stick around. A shame I don't drink coffee, seems to be a place to break the ice. Oh well -

I went for sober trifecta, these boards, AA and IOP. IOP sucked but I managed to be in inexperienced company just launching night IOP programs. SO I blame inexperience, and well at least those hours taught me what to ask/look for when I look for counselor - and those hours I was sober.

AA - I'm still giving it a go. I'm averaging a one-two meetings with IOP a week - I think by next week I am going to get to 3/week. The night hubby does sports, Fridays and Saturdays.

So after getting up so late, hubbs was complaining he wanted lunch. I said let's think about it - we got an odd free day off now that we didn't go to the hike (bus trip, etc.). So I took him to the bbq by work because he's heard it on the radio and I raved about it. Tasty! I didn't want to waste time exercising so we drove to Lake Michigan. We walked on the beach. It was a nice lovely day for that. We ran into geese that weren't scared of people and also on the trail saw a deer who was scared but wanted their food more. I got a funny pic of him. The walking was about 3 miles? My back HURT like a GRRR towards the end and we had to hoof it to the pavement.

The 10 mile moderate hike with a leader -? I wouldn't have made it. Hopefully this back thing is gone in another week.

We listened to music in the car. I really love music, it gets me feeling good and happy. It makes me sad to hear one of the IOP guys said he couldn't enjoy music anymore because it became a trigger. I loved music before drinking, during drinking and I love it after drinking. I hope that person can disassociate music from his drug of choice over time. It can be therapeutic even.


So good day. Sober for me.

Now my working at 3am - aka in 4 hours? Not so happy! LOL - sleep schedule will remained jacked. I am happy to be sober - typically I'd get trashed super early so I could wake up at 3 - do the work 1/2 assed than drink again -ICK.

Lucy777

This may ramble and be a bit depressing (lots of self-pity). I am forcing myself to write something here on SR. I have been looking at the site for a couple of days trying to get myself to write.
I hated to admit to myself that I had a relapse. I could not compartmentalize my relapse away. It was a small relapse but still a relapse. Im not sure what has sent me running for alcohol. I simply shut down and was on autopilot. Im back on track but just barely. Looking back, I was slowly spiraling out of control for a few weeks. I have so many emotional issues it could be anything that I have talked about with my counselor.
My PTSD therapy is difficult and painful every step of the way. I feel a huge amount of despair and a huge part of me does not want me to get better. I am my own worst enemy. And I see myself doing this (emotional torture, lol) to myself but I cannot/will let myself heal.
I have such a profound guilt and shame that I was not strong enough to deal with my mom’s long illness, her death, plus a life time of past hurts makes for a lot of emotional baggage. I have so many regrets. So many poor choices made because I was weak and a coward. I know its all in the past but I have not been able to let go.
So now that I posted here next is to tell my counselor so we can go over in minute detail everything that could have triggered my relapse. Lol. I think I need to talk to my Dr. about my meds, too. Maybe I need a change to my meds. Who knows….
Every day I want to give up, and quit trying to “move on” but there is a small part of me that is still fighting for me. I have to remember that and keep trying.
Thanks for listening.

Dee74

I hope you feel better for unburdening yourself Lucy - we all understand how difficult was for you

D

Gazza

Gleefan Im glad you had a good day, I did have a peaceful one.

Lulu, I also did SMART I use the tools a lot especially Wheel of Acceptance and when I cant get a thought out of my head that I know is irrational I ABC it. REBT is great stuff I think. Sorry for all the acronyms SMART is acroynm heavy.

TR your hiking stuff sounds awesome wouldnt mind seeing a picture of that deer if you feel like posting it.

Im good, went to church this morning. High Anglican probably only 10 of us of which I was the only one under 60 (last one out turn off the lights as Catholics say about us! :-)). But I enjoyed it was peaceful and the older generation understand boundarys and privacy than hyped up clappies. I know Im people rating again. All good anyway.

Cheers
G

tornrealization

Hi Lucy, thanks for the share. I'm glad you reached out and I know it's not easy. You are worth it. That small part still fighting for you knows it, we know it. I think it takes strength to work on it again after a relapse. I hope you get some relief working with the counslor as well. I'm glad your aren't giving up. We'll be here for you.

forabetterlife

Lucy, I know how hard it can be to admit a relapse, so be proud that you took that first step. It seems you are already starting to identify what led you to drink. I am learning that the more time you have, the more strength you have so getting through those first few days/weeks relapse will be the hardest. Just do it and try not to be to hard on yourself. Just use what you know, what you have already learned, to pick yourself up and do it again. We are here for you.

gleefan

SoberLeigh - Congratulations on 2 years, 5 months sober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Torn - Congratulations on 1 week! You sound cautiously optimistic. Maybe that dose of exercise, sunshine and nature helped you organize your feelings? Hopefully you can get another dose of the outdoors after you work your nutty IT hours. Three am is just punishing.

Lucy - Hugs. I'm glad you reached out. Relapses aren't necessarily a part of the recovery process, but everyone who posts in the Febbies thread understands that they happen. Unloading a horrible past is painful, for sure, and I'd imagine you'd need a safety net to support you afterwards. You can always come here when you're feeling down, plus there's AA and other support groups. Gazza said something a while back about managing shame about the past, by reframing the way you think about it. For example, rather than engaging in negative self talk for being dishonest in the past, you can say "I am a person who values honesty." Or for me, instead of feeling shame about being in unhealthy codependent entanglements in the past, I can say, "I am a person who values relationships with healthy boundaries." I think it can work for the deeper, darker secrets that deeply shame us.

Gazza - What are clappies? I went to a church service with a band and a projection screen to emphasize the minister's points, and was surprised at how different it was from the Roman Catholic services I attended growing up.

I'm going to do my new sober Sunday housecleaning ritual. I love that I am developing a positive, responsible, useful weekend ritual. The pride I feel in doing something useful motivates me, in spite of my semi-depressive state, to keep going.

tornrealization

SL - Congratulations on 2 years, 5 months sober!! That is great to see that accomplishment on the 24 hour thread.

Gazza - My take on the clappies is sarcasm on people who are getting way into it - the service? Almost like it's fake enthusiasm? That's what my brain would be calling people I thought fake. I'm glad you enjoyed your service and keep posting with us Febbies. I find your insights valuable.

Today, like you Glee, I spent being productive. It makes me shudder what I did last weekend. It feels like forever ago but I did nothing. I got a bottle, watched a movie, passed out - forgot stuff and just wasted all the time away. How can I think this is fun? Why do I still yearn for it? Crazy crazy.

We went shopping and we're going to toss our crappy orangeish looking tupperware and switch to glassware. We got a good sale at outlet place. My artistic hubby got tasked to paint/create a huge 12 food mural/sign for a friend's business. So we went to his place of business to take measurements.

I'm now in the process of making strawberry shortcake from scratch. I used an egg slicer of all things to cut the strawberrys into six pieces! SO EASY, versus using a knife to quarter them. I'm going to make shortcake next and yep, making the cream by hand too. It's tasty and I think less sugar than the sponge stuff (twinkies, anyone?) you buy in the store.

I'm doing laundry too. I have time to walk and look at SR. So many things I can do whilst not drinking.

Gazza,

I think it limits me to one pic but here's the deer looking surprised at me, his ears are back like a cat/dog? That's why we giggled at it.

tornrealization

I shrink these files when I load them, why they look so large and I have a limit of one pic? I love technology - but I don't want to troubleshoot - that's my day job. Here's the deer not looking surprised.

DiggingIn

Those are great pictures Torn!

I did a good job of staying busy most of the weekend. Now I'm at home settled in, doing a little bit of laundry, but I'm starting to get really anxious about this next week. I know everything is going to be fine, and I know that my life is about to get back on track and become so much better and that very much excites me, but I'm a little worried about these next five days. Keep me in your thoughts.

SoberLife2014

Torn - I hear you about productivity. I'm way more productive now that I'm sober. I love the pics too!
I've been thinking about urges lately (what's new?). I've had some thoughts about wanting a drink (or 10) after I haven't had any for almost 3 months, and I've only drank 3 times in almost a year. Well, at this point I think it has to do with seeking comfort. I'm very happy now, but even that is something I'm not used to and it almost makes me uncomfortable. I think I got so used to drinking and toning down any emotion I had. I was used to the misery. I was used to the hangovers. I lived a certain way for 6 years. I suppose it isn't too surprising that I get a little uncomfortable at times and therefore seek what relieves my comfort the quickest - the bottle.
To be quite honest, times weren't always so bad when I was drinking. My AV clings on to that. There were many many evenings when I'd be just fine in a drunken stupor. And the next day despite the horrid hangover I'd make it through. That was my life for a long time. But, of course, it progressed. My tolerance went up, and things got ugly. And I always wanted out. There were so many times I said "this is the last time, this is the last drink". Honestly, I think my last "relapse" might have saved me. I gave in, and did I get relief? No. All I got was a huge disappointment. A reminder of a life I didn't miss one bit. I decided that it's never going to be the same again. Alcohol will never be the answer for me. I'll never drink "normally". Even if it's tough, and a little uncomfortable, alcohol isn't the answer- despite what my brain might think. I truly believe that my brain short-circuited somewhere along the line and decided that alcohol would be the answer to everything. So, I just have to ignore it.
Lucy- Just hang in there. Don't give up. I think the most important thing about a relapse is turning it into a learning experience.

SoberLeigh

Hi Febbies.

The Febbies are such an amazing group and I am so proud to be a part of you. Every time I read the posts on this thread, I find such honesty and openness, and such a genuine and heartfelt concern for one another.

Love you guys.

Dee74

There's a limit to one attachment per post Torn. It's written into the software.

You can post more if you upload to a filesharing site like Photobucket and post URLs.

sizewise you need to experiment... I can never work it out LOL

D

gleefan

SoberLeigh - I agree, this is a nice group, with interesting conversations, that are always articulated in a respectful and caring manner. Just lovely!

Torn - Nice photos of the deer!

Lulu - My relapse was horrible, and it made it easier for me to say no to my urges.

Dee - Is fitting, your new avatar.

Dee74

Thank you I do LOL

D

DiggingIn

Crying myself to sleep. . .

gleefan

DiggingIn, you have a big week head of you.
Do you want to share what's making you sad?