hope778

SoDev - Merry Christmas (a day late - sorry!) to you and sweet Aaron. I was going to make the point that Aaron (given the choice) would be much more thankful for a healthy mommy than to be breastfed and risk the health of his mommy, but that point was made just above me.

I wish you both well on your journey. You are stronger than you know and feel. One day at a time!

irisgardens

sodevastated...you are not alone and yes, just to be with baby, to take care of his needs, and to be in the space where you are is enough-one minute at a time (for me, 1 day is often too overwhelming when in a hard place)...you are enough-and just do what you do-it is exactly what you are supposed to be doing. arms around you.

Sodevastated

What a beautiful song. Thank you Aries. It almost feels like this song was dedicated to me. Me and my poor little son. I cried from the beginning til the end of it. Thinking of Mary and Jesus reminds me of the fact that I'm not the only one having a hard time. Thank you for sending me this song and for thinking about me and my son

Sodevastated

You are so completely right. One day is too overwhelming. It's just about getting on minute by minute and then manage the next day, the day after and so on. I can't see a future lying ahead of me now and I don't want to plan things anymore. I made plans with my AH and nothing turned out the way I wanted. I've always been an organised person, but I don't see any point in planning anything anymore. Just so dissapointed in life, have no more expectations at all. To me life is just about surviving. I see no other point or meaning with life. Thank you for encouraging me. I do my best for my son and I try to keep my head above the water so I won't collapse.

Sodevastated

Hope, I hope your Christmas Day was nice. And yes, you are right, Aaron needs a mom who is capable of taking care of him and not a wreck. Thank you! One day at a time. I hope, in a few years, I will be able to read my posts on SR and say -it was miserable, I thought I was going to die or become really mental- but I made it through! Really, really hope it will turn out that way. Sending you hugs

Sodevastated

53500, thank you for telling me it's Ok not to breastfeed and that I'm not a lousy mom if I don't do that. Sending you hugs

Sodevastated

As always, thank you for your prayers Phoenix, and for accompanying me on my bumpy ride ❤

Ariesagain

SD, just checking in. How are you two doing?

Sodevastated

Hi Aries. Thank you. I'm very depressed and feeling awful, but I've started taking meds. Can't handle it anymore without them. My son is fine, growing and getting chubby little cheeks. He is adorable. I hope you are well?

Hugs

Hechosedrugs

Yes, please don't feel ashamed about not breastfeeding! I wasn't able to and have had many mommy cliques gang up on me about it. But my twin boys are perfectly happy and healthy and I definitely had no trouble bonding with their sweet little selves. There's a lot of promotion about breastfeeding and, while it is sometimes well-meaning, it can often border on self-righteous. Just do what you can. You're in a tough situation, but you are mighty and making through!

Blessings to you.

Sodevastated

Thank you Hechosedrugs. Other women are worst cuz they seem to question the breastfeeding thing. Women can be really mean. Thank you for your encouragement. Not only am I on meds from now, but I am too depressed so the milk won't come out even if it's there. So thank you for saying that i'm Ok anyway. I'm trying my best.
I just have to say that I love your name here on SR. It suits my AH very well because that is what he did. I think about that every day when I am really low- He chose drugs, and there was nothing I could do about it. It comforts me.

Sending you lots of hugs❤

irisgardens

Thinking of you today and just sending good thoughts and putting virtual arms around you. It is so good that you are taking one minute at a time...and letting the future take care of itself. I was the consummate planner and learned that none of the important things (loving my children, being there for them-being there for me in more loving ways) can be planned...and only realize it looking back...wishing you a blessed day with a surprise of positive and comfort. grief takes its toll and you are definitely grieving...it is well explained and documented, but when experienced...often like 'living on a spiral'-one minute one emotion--another moment another. please trust that you are being held up, not only by those here, but by the universe that has good things for you-and that will be experienced...right now, it is enough to just be you and to be your best self and experience the feelings as they are-no, more than enough.

irisgardens

on the breastfeeding-and so many other things-so many put so much energy into working to control the behavior of others based on their very own passions (ok if only applied to themselves) and control needs (not ok). when people focus on the 'how' to do the task the best way (breastfeeding vs formula) and apply it to the outcome (raising a baby/child into a healthy self actualized adult)-there is definitely an issue going on around not seeing the forest for the trees.

aasharon90

I was so happy to read about you and baby
Aaron that you shared on Christmas Day. I
smiled and felt warmth in my heart.

I'm glad that you are taking your meds
so they can begin to level out the imbalances
in your body after all that you've been
going thru lately. Before you know it
your mood should brighten up as you
continue to move forward in health and
strength.

I hope that you take time to pamper
yourself in any way you can. Like bubble
baths, maybe something new to wear,
comfy slippers, a cozy robe, new lipstick,
flowers in a vase, lots of good music, a
new fragrance, fresh sheets and pillows,
etc.

Giving birth isn't easy and does take a lot
out of us women and with a little pampering,
we can gain strength in mind, body and soul.
Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I still use baby bath and lotion for that
fresh baby soft smell. And Downy softener
for my clothes just to stay in touch with
that baby side of me.

Anyway.....

Stay strong and continue to hold on
to your Faith for reliance and strength
and share with us anytime about baby
Aaron as we love to read about you and
him.

Sodevastated

Thank you for comforting me Irishgardens. I'm doing exactly what you said ( below):

"right now, it is enough to just be you and to be your best self and experience the feelings as they are-no, more than enough".

I have never felt this bad in my whole life and I so much want to believe life is going to get better, like you said. Right now I'm stuck in my emotions, feeling like I won't surive without my AH and forever heartbroken because my son won't have a father. Thank you for cheering me up.

Thanking all of you who are posting. I wouldn't make it without you. You're my lifeboat.

Hugs

Seren

I am sorry that you are receiving "mom judgement" comments on top of everything else you are currently going through! I've never been blessed with children of my own, but can only imagine how much a mother can worry and stress over every little decision--especially with a newborn. I can share no experience with you here, but know that you and your precious Aaron are in my prayers. Sending you strength!

Sodevastated

Aasharon, I'm glad you enjoyed reading about my little baby. I'll try to share as much as I can. This Sunday we'll go visit grandma ( my AH's mom) for the first time. She's really looking forward to seeing him. I think she will be overjoyed when she sees him.

I hope the meds will get me in balance, a little at least. I haven't really pampered myself. I've stopped caring about myself, honestly. I'm thinking " What's the point? My AH isn't here anyways". I also have little patience to do those kind of things. I'm a nerve wreck and I don't really enjoy things. All I do is to take care of my son, and that's it. Don't feel like and don't have the energy to do more. Everything feels meaningless now that my AH is gone. Nothing makes me happy. He made me happy and I enjoy nothing without him.

I'm sorry I'm so depressed. I wish I could tell you I'm starting to feel better....

Hugs

Ariesagain

There are times when just putting one foot in front of the other is an act of heroism.

Be gentle with yourself and know that time will be your friend, eventually.

Sending you a hug.

aasharon90

You know, it's not easy I believe for anyone
to experience death. For my entire young
life as a child, my folks shielded us from family
or friends deaths and never took us to funerals.

I remember my grandfather passing and
we did go to the funeral but I was in my
alcohol addiction numbed to not really
remember the feelings I was suppose to
feel when he passed.

It wasn't until I was in early recovery and
one of my mentors passed away that I remember
my sponsor telling me that I should at least
attend the wake in order to put closure to
my bond and admiration I had with him.

So I did.

Then several yrs ago, my 2 loveable cats
after living a full happy life with me passed
away. I had not experienced death up close
and personal and thus made me feel very
uneasy and of course sad.

As days and moths passed, I still was
experiencing feelings I had never experienced
before with death and it hurt like heck as
I continue to pray and place all that I was
feeling in God's hands and waiting till it
all would eventually pass.

Im here today and long as I don't get into
my head thinking of them passing and
all that lead up to that final moment,
thinking of good times and joking about
them only, then I'm okay.

I know that experiencing, birth and death
is just a part of life and we have to accept
it and in many cases we cant control them.

I just continue to stay close to my Faith
and know that I'm in God's Hands for
comfort, guidance each day that I'm alive.

Continued peace and happiness for
you and baby Aaron.

dandylion

sodevestated.....it does take a while for the meds to kick in....and, you have only recently began taking them.....
Exercise is sooo key when one is depressed....I think you should go for a walk every day, at least.....when your mother is watching Aaron. Actually, two small walks, each day would be even better.....
Structure is very important, now. Make yourself a schedule for every day....and, push yourself to do the things on the schedule...and, congratulate yourself for everything that you do......
The schedule can be very simple....but, do stick to it.....
I am very concerned that you need some face to face conversation with a living human, besides your parents, each day. do not underestimate the importance of this....Human connection is even more healing than anything else.....
Exercise--talking to someone else---sleep....
You need to be talking to your therapist doctor several times a week...even if you only talk on the phone to him/her......
An exercise that helps a LOT....is writing down all your bad feelings, fears, etc...and, any things you would like to have said to your husband...especially the angry things....AND, then, tearing up the paper and throwing it away. This gives some mental release. You don't even need to read the paper after you write the things...just tear it up and throw it away....
the idea is to do this once every day...put it on your daily schedule....about the same time each day, if you can .....
Do you think you could live with your Mother in Law for a while? Even for a few days...a change of scene and more understanding help with the baby might do you good....

I am glad that you keep posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!