So depressed....help

Old 12-14-2016, 02:19 PM
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Thinking of you and praying for a nice and easy delivery ahead. Beautiful things to come your way ❤️️
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Old 12-14-2016, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by EJG123 View Post
Hi SoDe,
I'm sorry that you are going through so much because of the loss of your husband. Grieving is a normal part of healing. Time and having your baby will help. Stay strong.
Thank you for posting and for the encouragement. I will try my best to make it through this.

Hugs
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Old 12-14-2016, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Kitkat255 View Post
I am holding you in my prayers. my heart goes out to you so very much. you are not alone or Never alone. I pray this new life will bring healing to your heart. hugs and prayers.ox
Oh, thank you dear Kitkat 😊 I'm thankful for your post and that you care about me, even though you're going through some rough times too. Know that you're not alone either. Nobody is at SR. We all have eachother to hold on too. Hearing other people's stories and what they are going through makes us aware about that others are struggling too, but we are in this together giving eachother hope and strength. We cannot change the past and the pain we suffered, but we can support eachother, trying to feel a bit better day by day. Thank you for your prayers. You're in my thoughts and prayers too Kitkat
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Old 12-14-2016, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunshine1234 View Post
Thinking of you and praying for a nice and easy delivery ahead. Beautiful things to come your way ❤️️
Thank you dear Sunshine 💜. If am not in labor by Sunday I will have to go the hospital and little baby Aaron ought to be here in the beginning of next week. So scared of becoming a mom. Weird having someone who entirely depends on me. But I hope there will be joy too. Prayers back to you to
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Old 12-14-2016, 03:36 PM
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I am heartbroken and mad because my husband took all the joy and happiness away with him when he died, AND because he died the way he did and abandoned me and the child. How am I going to make it through this? Where to find the strength to live and to take care of another human being? How to go on living?
Well, your baby is a gift, perhaps your husband's final gift to you. And I'm not going to presume that once your baby is born, all will be OK because that's not how it works.

You're going to mourn. You're going to grieve. You're going to cry, and be angry, and want to throw stuff, and feel everything in between. But all the while, you're going to have a miracle in front of you: your baby. And you get to shape your baby's life for the better. It is, at once, a tremendous responsibility and a unbelievable gift.

So keep doing what you're doing. Post. Reach out. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling, because it's all normal.

And know, during this time of year, that each and every one of us here at FFSA has your back.
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Old 12-14-2016, 04:03 PM
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I would not make it without you

First and foremost I would like to thank you all, can't be said enough. I don't know how I would have managed without this board, without you all. Joining SR has helped me to keep on going day by day. I've learnt tremendously a lot about addiction and how it works, which I didn't know earlier. Reading threads written by all of you with more experience than me has helped me a lot. They have been an eye opener to the world of addiction and it has helped me realize I'm not alone. Thank you for your openness in sharing your stories. I've learnt what it means being an addict, what addicts do and why they do it. In some way it has been relieving to get a hunch of what might have been going on in my AH'S head, trying to stop blaming myself, realizing that I most likely couldn't have done anything to change the outcome of what happened. I wish I knew the things I know now when I met my AH. It would have helped me to act differently and not to get* deceived by his addict manners. But it is what it is and I can't turn back time. I just have to find a way to go on from where I'm at and just fight every day until the day the sun shines upon me and I actually will be happy and thankful to be alive with my son being the joy of my life.

💖💖💖💖 to all of you
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Old 12-14-2016, 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by aasharon90 View Post
I would love to call you something more
deserving than sodevastated, but do
understand anonymity.

Anyway....

Do you have the baby nursery ready
and waiting for your new arrival? Many
of us have had our little family, maybe
grandparents now or just like hearing
or reading about God's littlest Angels
coming into the world.

Maybe you can share what the baby's
room looks like and did you have a baby
shower?

Just wondering and hoping you wouldn't
mind sharing that little bit with us as we
all here are traveling on this journey with
you and anxiously awaiting news of you
and your new blessing to arrive.
Of, course I don't mind sharing anything with you. You ( all of you on the board) have been my lifeboat through all of this and I couldn't have done it without you. It feels good to share with you, and that you're interested in me sharing my thoughts, experiences etc.,having the energy to read what feels like ranting. Thankful for that.

Everything is prepared for the baby, except for me myself. I'm so afraid of how it will be having this baby in front of me- will I be able to take care of it? Will it remind me of my husband to that extent that I will cry my eyes out? Will it imply more pain than hapiness? So afraid that's going to happen. How to make it as a single parent already from the start? Afraid of so many things concerning the baby and me becoming a mom.

Me and little baby Aaron are going to stay in my old room ( since I'm staying at my parents house for now). It's not much of a nursery but he will have a lovely white crib with a zebra on and beige bedding with giraffes and bears on. I've also bought small, cuddly bears to put in his crib and a cute mobile with animals. I've bought diapers, oils and a lot of that kind of stuff and lots of cute clothes. I've stopped buying stuff for myself and instead I'm buying everything for him. There are so many cute things out there for babies. He will be dressed as Santa on Christmas Eve, found such a cute outfit for Aaron 😊

When I get back to my apartment I will arrange Aaron's nursery the way I want it - with children's curtains, lamps, carpet, pictures etc. A room of his own. Unfortunately, I haven't had a baby shower. A friend of mine wanted to throw me one, but I have been to depressed and in too much grief to bother about that 😯.

You will be with me all the way on this journey ❤
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Old 12-14-2016, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Well, your baby is a gift, perhaps your husband's final gift to you. And I'm not going to presume that once your baby is born, all will be OK because that's not how it works.

You're going to mourn. You're going to grieve. You're going to cry, and be angry, and want to throw stuff, and feel everything in between. But all the while, you're going to have a miracle in front of you: your baby. And you get to shape your baby's life for the better. It is, at once, a tremendous responsibility and a unbelievable gift.

So keep doing what you're doing. Post. Reach out. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling, because it's all normal.

And know, during this time of year, that each and every one of us here at FFSA has your back.
Thank you for your post Zoso. Yeah, you're right about that the baby is the final gift from my husband. It just hurts so bad that he won't be here to see his son. It's tearing me apart. I'm happy to have my son but I'm just so sad he won't have a dad, ever. We're half a family without him. It feels as if some of that is my fault because I knew my AH had had addiction problems when we met, but I still chose to be with him and that is why my son will be fatherless.

This is exactly what I'm going to do (you are so right about it) :
" You're going to mourn. You're going to grieve. You're going to cry, and be angry, and want to throw stuff, and feel everything in between".

I will probably also feel like kicking my AH'S b*tt for not being around and for abandoning us. I think my life will be a rollercoaster ride for years from now but I hope that my son will be my joy in all of that, as you mentioned. I will fight for my son and what is best for him AND to protect him from the very thing I could not protect his dad from - drugs and addiction.

Thank you for being there for me and for your support. Take care of you too 💜
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Old 12-14-2016, 05:46 PM
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I will probably also feel like kicking my AH'S b*tt for not being around and for abandoning us. I think my life will be a rollercoaster ride for years from now but I hope that my son will be my joy in all of that, as you mentioned. I will fight for my son and what is best for him AND to protect him from the very thing I could not protect his dad from - drugs and addiction.
I'm going to tell you a story that, I hope, helps you deal with this.

About 7 years ago, my mentor shared with me that he was an alcoholic. I was blindsided, because he'd been in my life for nearly 16 years at that point. And after me bringing him back here from the West Coast and one more fateful bender, he ended up in a facility that specialized in patients with alcohol dementia. He died about 7 months after this diagnosis. His body finally gave out.

During my initial period of mourning, I was hurt and angry at him...until it occurred to me that it was difficult for me to judge him because he was an old guy dealing with a lot of difficult things, chief amongst them his wife was suffering from cancer. He was, near the end, doing what he felt he needed to do to get through his days. Obviously, he was making a lot of very poor decisions. But then again, I have no idea what my end-of-life decisions are going to be like. So once I casted his loss in those terms, whatever anger I felt towards him dissipated. He didn't do this to me. He did this to himself.

I think it's important to remember that your husband did not intend to abandon you, or your baby. He was doing what all addicts do: indulge their worst impulses by feeding his addiction while ignoring the potential consequences. That's what denial is. He wasn't thinking about dying. He was thinking about getting high, because that's what mattered to him the most at that time.

So, yes, he made a ton of poor decisions, and yes, you are left to deal with the fallout of those decisions. But that's not what he intended to do. He didn't intend to do anything to you or the baby. What he did, he did to himself, and you and the baby were caught in the blast.

It sucks. It's not fair. He should be here, with you, with his child. But he's not.

When you're ready to, you'll take a step back and you won't personalize this as much. That doesn't mean the anger and the hurt will go away, because it likely never will. But what it does mean is you'll adapt to a life without him. And if there's one thing I've learned about life, grieving, and moving on, it's that we never know what surprises are around the bend. If you read my posts from January 2012 to the past two weeks, you'll appreciate what I mean.

God bless you and your baby.
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Old 12-14-2016, 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
I'm going to tell you a story that, I hope, helps you deal with this.

About 7 years ago, my mentor shared with me that he was an alcoholic. I was blindsided, because he'd been in my life for nearly 16 years at that point. And after me bringing him back here from the West Coast and one more fateful bender, he ended up in a facility that specialized in patients with alcohol dementia. He died about 7 months after this diagnosis. His body finally gave out.

During my initial period of mourning, I was hurt and angry at him...until it occurred to me that it was difficult for me to judge him because he was an old guy dealing with a lot of difficult things, chief amongst them his wife was suffering from cancer. He was, near the end, doing what he felt he needed to do to get through his days. Obviously, he was making a lot of very poor decisions. But then again, I have no idea what my end-of-life decisions are going to be like. So once I casted his loss in those terms, whatever anger I felt towards him dissipated. He didn't do this to me. He did this to himself.

I think it's important to remember that your husband did not intend to abandon you, or your baby. He was doing what all addicts do: indulge their worst impulses by feeding his addiction while ignoring the potential consequences. That's what denial is. He wasn't thinking about dying. He was thinking about getting high, because that's what mattered to him the most at that time.

So, yes, he made a ton of poor decisions, and yes, you are left to deal with the fallout of those decisions. But that's not what he intended to do. He didn't intend to do anything to you or the baby. What he did, he did to himself, and you and the baby were caught in the blast.

It sucks. It's not fair. He should be here, with you, with his child. But he's not.

When you're ready to, you'll take a step back and you won't personalize this as much. That doesn't mean the anger and the hurt will go away, because it likely never will. But what it does mean is you'll adapt to a life without him. And if there's one thing I've learned about life, grieving, and moving on, it's that we never know what surprises are around the bend. If you read my posts from January 2012 to the past two weeks, you'll appreciate what I mean.

God bless you and your baby.
Thank you for your helpful post. It helps me not to take it personal and to see my own situation out of someone else's point of view. As you said, my AH didn't do what he did to hurt me. He did it because he wanted to get high since that was his priority. It just makes me mad, but mostly sad that he picked drugs over me and the baby. But I guess that is the way addicts work. Their substances are always number 1, unless they want to quit. I just hope I can process this somehow, like you did with your mentor, and stop being angry cuz the anger isn't helpful. It's just making me bitter and I don't want to become bitter for the rest of my life. Thank you for reminding me of that and for informing me about your posts. I'll read them and think they will be helpful.

God bless you for caring and for this very post
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Old 12-15-2016, 04:59 AM
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sodevestated......zoso is right about not knowing what surprises are around the bend.......
I will, also, tell you a story about future tripping fears....When I had my first son, he was the apple of my eye....I loved him so much.
However, when I thought of having another child...I felt very afraid and guilty...because I just KNEW that I would never love another thing as much as my son....In my mind< I feared that I would die, inside for not loving my second child as much as the first one!! I worried, endless hours, about this thing....and, I was too ashamed to talk to anybody about this feeling.....
Well, I DID have another child...a brother, to my first child.....and, guess what? I LOVED HIM AS MUCH AS I LOVED THE FIRST ONE!! Then, I had a sister for them, and I loved her as much as I loved them!!
There was no way I could know this until I experienced it. Mother Nature had arranged things that I couldn't possibly know.
Our ability to love grows. Our capacity to love is not limited. We are not just given a certain amount of love...and, then it runs out when we have used it all up....lol....
We never use it all up....
Hope springs eternal....

My dear, you will have joy again, you will laugh, again, and the Sun will come out again.....
I promise you...you will not always feel the way you do, now!!
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Old 12-16-2016, 10:07 AM
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Tears flowing and it is hard-want to validate your feelings. Also want to validate that our children give us a higher purpose and love that can help in so many areas-and I pray for this for you.

Please know, as said by many above...you are NOT alone and please reach out if you feel that way. Have had too much experience with that, and it is NOT healthy for you-so please make sure you stay connected here. It is really important to know that you are cared about in the midst of pain...and as you allow your body to process through the pain (in it's own time and place).

Praying for you and that you receive comfort in all the best and most unexpected ways.
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Old 12-16-2016, 10:43 AM
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A pretty white crib with zebras and bears and a mobile
with lots of cute baby clothes and baby things sounds
sooooo wonderful.

Thank you so much for taking time to share with
us about your room and what it looks like until
you move back into your apt.

Would you move into another apt. maybe
to start out fresh with a new beginning?

Maybe moving back into where you were
will be too much reminders.

Anyway.....

I remember when I had my 2 beautiful babies
back in 84 and 87, my son was first then his sister.
Yes, I was in my addiction but didn't think it was
as serious until I entered recovery in 1990.

I worried just like any new mom would be and
couldn't wait till they arrived out with all fingers
and toes and for the wonderful surprise if they
were a boy or girl.

Yes, I was anxious and yes I was blessed to
have 2 beautiful adorable little ones with
instincts of wanting to be the best mom I
could be to them.

I was very protective of my bundles of joy
as should be, maybe too much at times, but
overall, with me as their mom, they had
little experience of me drinking because they
were young when I entered recovery and
have remained sober as they grew and moved
on with their own lives healthy, happy and
so many wonderful gifts blessed upon them.

We never know what God has in store
for any of us, however, when we put our
faith in Him for guidance, strength, love
and care, we never have to waste a minute
of worrying.

We may not get the answers right at
that moment, but in His time, He will
take care of us.

I know, because He has heard my cries
and pleads for help a many a times in my
lifetime and has always lead me to where
I need to be and has provided me the things
needed to live a sober, healthier, happier,
grateful, blessed life I had today.

Keep your faith and more should be
revealed to you in His time.
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Old 12-17-2016, 04:15 AM
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sodevastated.....How are you doing, today? Any signs of labor, yet?
I believe that tomorrow is still Delivery Day...?

lol...we "Mother Hens" are patiently waiting........
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Old 12-17-2016, 04:37 AM
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^^^^ What Dandy said
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Old 12-17-2016, 05:25 AM
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I really hope all is going well and will await news
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Old 12-18-2016, 08:15 AM
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sodevestated.....when you get a chance...please let us know how you are doing......

LOL....this sort of feels like watching the Vatican roof for a sign of smoke when a new Pope has been chosen!!
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Old 12-18-2016, 08:45 AM
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Old 12-18-2016, 11:55 AM
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Sending blessings and wishes for wonderful for you and baby.
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Old 12-18-2016, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
sodevestated......zoso is right about not knowing what surprises are around the bend.......
I will, also, tell you a story about future tripping fears....When I had my first son, he was the apple of my eye....I loved him so much.
However, when I thought of having another child...I felt very afraid and guilty...because I just KNEW that I would never love another thing as much as my son....In my mind< I feared that I would die, inside for not loving my second child as much as the first one!! I worried, endless hours, about this thing....and, I was too ashamed to talk to anybody about this feeling.....
Well, I DID have another child...a brother, to my first child.....and, guess what? I LOVED HIM AS MUCH AS I LOVED THE FIRST ONE!! Then, I had a sister for them, and I loved her as much as I loved them!!
There was no way I could know this until I experienced it. Mother Nature had arranged things that I couldn't possibly know.
Our ability to love grows. Our capacity to love is not limited. We are not just given a certain amount of love...and, then it runs out when we have used it all up....lol....
We never use it all up....
Hope springs eternal....

My dear, you will have joy again, you will laugh, again, and the Sun will come out again.....
I promise you...you will not always feel the way you do, now!!
Thank you Dandylion for sharing your lovely story about your children I think you are right about our ability to love and that we are able to do stuff that we can't even imagine doing. It just comes natural. Your words give me hope about the future. I hope it will get better even though it never will be that life I planned together with my AH. But a plan B in life might maybe turn out well too.who knows.

Hugs
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