So depressed....help
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: California
Posts: 2,722
Sodevastated,
Turns out that a text and an email sent to a friend who I don't see often was very well received! It made me feel good. She's having surgery today and her "close" friends had not contacted her recently, but I did.
As soon as she is able, she's going to let me know when I can come over for a visit.
A program friend is coming over tonight for a Big Book study the two of us are doing. We are in the chapter "Into Action".
And I called my sponsor yesterday.
Dang, it feels good to do what I say I'm going to do. Thanks for asking.
Turns out that a text and an email sent to a friend who I don't see often was very well received! It made me feel good. She's having surgery today and her "close" friends had not contacted her recently, but I did.
As soon as she is able, she's going to let me know when I can come over for a visit.
A program friend is coming over tonight for a Big Book study the two of us are doing. We are in the chapter "Into Action".
And I called my sponsor yesterday.
Dang, it feels good to do what I say I'm going to do. Thanks for asking.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sodevestated....if/when you do return to the apartment....the one thing that you can do is to make decorative changes...
Like....paint the bedroom a different color, change the fabrics in the curtains and linens. Put some different art on the wall.....
Rearrange living room furniture....change/add different accessories around the spaces.....buy a new set of dishes...etc. This helps a lot with the "triggers".
No plans are written in stone...you can change your mind, as you go along, as needed, if you want to....
good for you on letting your friend visit on Friday...even if you felt relunctant. It is the right thing to do....and, I think you will feel better for it....
Like....paint the bedroom a different color, change the fabrics in the curtains and linens. Put some different art on the wall.....
Rearrange living room furniture....change/add different accessories around the spaces.....buy a new set of dishes...etc. This helps a lot with the "triggers".
No plans are written in stone...you can change your mind, as you go along, as needed, if you want to....
good for you on letting your friend visit on Friday...even if you felt relunctant. It is the right thing to do....and, I think you will feel better for it....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Dandylion, yes you're right. It's like a tide coming in all the time. At times it feels like I can't breath and I think "How on earth am I going to make it and what's the point with life now that he's gone? ". And it goes on like that. But then I think that I have my son and it becomes easier for the moment until it starts over again.
I've tried doing the wailing wall, but not the writing though. It felt good to say things I would like to say to him. I got really mad at my AH while doing this. One thing I told him was how he could say: "If anything happens to me, you have to go on". When he was alive I asked him why he said that and he told me that you never know what might happen, you can get hit by a bus or whatever. But now I know he was doing drugs, and he was well aware of that too and the fact that he could die doing it ,when he said that. How selfish isn't that? Did he think of me at all? He couldn't have had any intention to stop hid addiction. So, so mad. I let all my feelings out doing the exercise.
I've tried doing the wailing wall, but not the writing though. It felt good to say things I would like to say to him. I got really mad at my AH while doing this. One thing I told him was how he could say: "If anything happens to me, you have to go on". When he was alive I asked him why he said that and he told me that you never know what might happen, you can get hit by a bus or whatever. But now I know he was doing drugs, and he was well aware of that too and the fact that he could die doing it ,when he said that. How selfish isn't that? Did he think of me at all? He couldn't have had any intention to stop hid addiction. So, so mad. I let all my feelings out doing the exercise.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
SoDev - glad you worked on doing that exercise! Feelings are powerful, and can quickly take over our mind and our being if we let them. That is why we have to get them out and keep them under OUR control. Put them in their rightful place. Keep doing that as they come along.
Our loved ones passing is a very real possibility for any of us who love an addict. The addict knows the real possibility too, but often continue to use anyways. I do not believe their use is directed at us or, rather, their desire/drive to keep using takes the place of them caring about how we are affected. I think the greatest battle is that they reach a point they feel they can't stop (be it because of physical withdrawals or whatever reason) and they feel immense guilt for the pain they cause their loved one(s) as a result of their using. I hope I am making sense. What I am trying to say is... If given the opportunity I think all of our loved ones who are addicts would wants to express to us how sorry they are for the pain and how the pain caused to us was never an intention of their use. It just happened to be a BIG side effect that they did not realize would be caused whenever they first chose to use. They used, likely, to ease a pain they were feeling of some sort - emotional or physical. The addiction grew unintentionally from there. It is separate from their love for us, I truly believe.
I hope my rambling helps somewhat. It helps me to remind myself of this...
Our loved ones passing is a very real possibility for any of us who love an addict. The addict knows the real possibility too, but often continue to use anyways. I do not believe their use is directed at us or, rather, their desire/drive to keep using takes the place of them caring about how we are affected. I think the greatest battle is that they reach a point they feel they can't stop (be it because of physical withdrawals or whatever reason) and they feel immense guilt for the pain they cause their loved one(s) as a result of their using. I hope I am making sense. What I am trying to say is... If given the opportunity I think all of our loved ones who are addicts would wants to express to us how sorry they are for the pain and how the pain caused to us was never an intention of their use. It just happened to be a BIG side effect that they did not realize would be caused whenever they first chose to use. They used, likely, to ease a pain they were feeling of some sort - emotional or physical. The addiction grew unintentionally from there. It is separate from their love for us, I truly believe.
I hope my rambling helps somewhat. It helps me to remind myself of this...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sodevestated.....good for you, that you were able to do the exercise and let some o f your feelings out...don't hesitate to do it as often as you need to. (don't censor anything)...say anything and everything that comes into your mind....it is o.k.....
I did it lots, at one point....it feels good to let it all out to the Universe.....
I hope you have a good visit with your friend, tomorrow.....
I did it lots, at one point....it feels good to let it all out to the Universe.....
I hope you have a good visit with your friend, tomorrow.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Yeah, Dandylion, I will make some minor changes in the apartment with some new stuff to make it feel like my and Aaron's home. And I will remove things that remind me too much of my AH. I have removed all pictures of him. It hurts too bad having pictures of him in the apt or at my parents. I just can't look at them without crying. The apt was redocorated during the summer with new wallpaper and I had it painted.
I really don't feel like seeing my friend tomorrow. Having a hard time seeing any people at all. But I am going to do it anyway.You are right about that I should. One of my therapists once said that I should do the opposite of what my emotions tell me to do when I feel bad, i.e doing stuff I don't want to, but that are good for me.
I really don't feel like seeing my friend tomorrow. Having a hard time seeing any people at all. But I am going to do it anyway.You are right about that I should. One of my therapists once said that I should do the opposite of what my emotions tell me to do when I feel bad, i.e doing stuff I don't want to, but that are good for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yeah, Sodevestated....sometimes, we just have to bitethebullet and do things we really don't want to do.....
LOL....one day, you will be telling Aaron the same thing...."I know you don't want to brush your teeth, but you still have to".
LOL....one day, you will be telling Aaron the same thing...."I know you don't want to brush your teeth, but you still have to".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Well done Ringo! I'm proud of you. You reached out to lots of people. And it's a great thing you did reaching out to your friend who's about to have a surgery. Like you said, nor even her close friends have been there for her, but you have! Be proud of yourself. I have experienced this too with friends detaching since my AH died. It makes you feel like no one/few care(s). When in fact people don't have to do much to show they care - just call and talk, ask if you need grocery shopping, come over and just show theit support etc. Be there for your friend. She? Will appreciate it and be very thankful.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
I will do the exercise many times and at the cemetery when I get the chance to go there alone. I think tomorrow will be fine. Yeah I will tell Aaron that he has to do things = ). He will become such a nice boy. Mommy's going to be so proud of him ! Thank you Dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
You are not at all rambling Hope.It's me rambling and I'm happy that you all are still here wanting to read. You are right about why addicts do what they do. It is so true, and maybe I could use it too to feel comfort. It's just so hard to think about that my AH knew he could die and that I would be left alone in misery and still he chose to marry me, have this child, make me move to the city etc. while in active addiction.
Thank you for your response
Thank you for your response
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Oh, thank you Aasharon. How good it felt to read those words. You could say that both Aaron and the apt are gifts like you said. I'm happy I have a home of my own. I've always been an independent person, working and living on my own and I think I would get even more depressed if I had to move back to my parents and this small town. It's just so sad that we bought the apt together and that I ended up alone in it. I do have Aaron and I love him so much, but it's not the same thing as living with your soulmate and best friend whom you can talk to and share everything with. A couple of years ago I told my mother I would end up a spinster, old and with a lot of cats in my apt, and it feels as if I'm not far away from that now. I thought I was finally getting a family of my own, but I ended up alone anyways... But I guess we can't change life and get something that is not possible. We can just do the best with what we have. I will have to accept that my life is the way it is and try to make something positive out of it.
Sorry for the depressing thoughts in the end.
Hugs
Sorry for the depressing thoughts in the end.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
I am so sorry for your loss. The father of my children passed away this April, we both have remarried a while ago, he was very involved in my girls lives though, he was their best friend. It was an accidental overdose, and his wife found him on the floor when she came home from work. I think about him daily, my girls got his ashes, they are grieving in a way where no matter what I do or say, I cannot make their pain go away. I wish I could. They are 14 and 12 and they are hurting so bad. Kids growing up in addiction, regardless of what is going on at home, they know. They might not know all the details, but they KNOW.
I have dreams about him. I cannot imagine what my kids feel. But then I think about the fact that he could have died when they were home (they went to his house every other weekend). Seeing their dad overdose
I look at my children and see so much good that is from him in them. They are his creations and he will always live through them. I know its hard to accept this, but everything happens in its own time. He is no longer in pain and my children will never find him dead on the floor. They will remember him as an amazing father.
I know it's so painful and hard now, but you will be there for your son, and your husband will always be a part of your life.
I have dreams about him. I cannot imagine what my kids feel. But then I think about the fact that he could have died when they were home (they went to his house every other weekend). Seeing their dad overdose
I look at my children and see so much good that is from him in them. They are his creations and he will always live through them. I know its hard to accept this, but everything happens in its own time. He is no longer in pain and my children will never find him dead on the floor. They will remember him as an amazing father. I know it's so painful and hard now, but you will be there for your son, and your husband will always be a part of your life.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Originally Posted by glitterdeva 
I am so sorry for your loss. The father of my children passed away this April, we both have remarried a while ago, he was very involved in my girls lives though, he was their best friend. It was an accidental overdose, and his wife found him on the floor when she came home from work. I think about him daily, my girls got his ashes, they are grieving in a way where no matter what I do or say, I cannot make their pain go away. I wish I could. They are 14 and 12 and they are hurting so bad. Kids growing up in addiction, regardless of what is going on at home, they know. They might not know all the details, but they KNOW.
I have dreams about him. I cannot imagine what my kids feel. But then I think about the fact that he could have died when they were home (they went to his house every other weekend). Seeing their dad overdose I look at my children and see so much good that is from him in them. They are his creations and he will always live through them. I know its hard to accept this, but everything happens in its own time. He is no longer in pain and my children will never find him dead on the floor. They will remember him as an amazing father.
I know it's so painful and hard now, but you will be there for your son, and your husband will always be a part of your life.
I have dreams about him. I cannot imagine what my kids feel. But then I think about the fact that he could have died when they were home (they went to his house every other weekend). Seeing their dad overdose
I look at my children and see so much good that is from him in them. They are his creations and he will always live through them. I know its hard to accept this, but everything happens in its own time. He is no longer in pain and my children will never find him dead on the floor. They will remember him as an amazing father. I know it's so painful and hard now, but you will be there for your son, and your husband will always be a part of your life.
I hope my husband will be with me and our son and that we will meet again one day.
God bless you
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I remembered this story the other day and I thought of you SD...
There's a phone booth, located at the site of the 2011 tsunami/earthquake where people can go to talk to their deceased loved ones. Thousands of people have visited the booth. The story of how the "Wind Phone" came to be is fascinating in itself. It's comforting to know that someone managed to create something beautiful in the midst of all this mourning. And I wonder how grief can be so isolating and so universal at the same time.
You can listen to the story here...
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/rad...-go?act=1#play
PS. One great thing about listening to podcasts in general is that you can have both hands and both eyes free. And there is the magic pause button!
There's a phone booth, located at the site of the 2011 tsunami/earthquake where people can go to talk to their deceased loved ones. Thousands of people have visited the booth. The story of how the "Wind Phone" came to be is fascinating in itself. It's comforting to know that someone managed to create something beautiful in the midst of all this mourning. And I wonder how grief can be so isolating and so universal at the same time.
You can listen to the story here...
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/rad...-go?act=1#play
PS. One great thing about listening to podcasts in general is that you can have both hands and both eyes free. And there is the magic pause button!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Originally Posted by dandylion
Sodevestated.....how are you doing, this weekend? thinking about you.....
Thank you for asking Dandylion. The weekend has been Ok. Sad as always, but Ok. My brother and SIL were here and we hung out. The meds have taken their toll. I feel really exhausted and could sleep all the time. I feel tired no matter how much I sleep. I hope this side effect will go over soon. I wonder if my grief will pass - now I'm thinking of the betrayal and all the lies that were revealed when my AH died, not his death itself. It makes the whole thing a lot more complicated. It hurts so much and it feels like it's gonna take a whole lifetime to get over.
How are you doing Dandylion? Hope you are well?
Giving you a big hug my friend❤
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
I remembered this story the other day and I thought of you SD...
There's a phone booth, located at the site of the 2011 tsunami/earthquake where people can go to talk to their deceased loved ones. Thousands of people have visited the booth. The story of how the "Wind Phone" came to be is fascinating in itself. It's comforting to know that someone managed to create something beautiful in the midst of all this mourning. And I wonder how grief can be so isolating and so universal at the same time.
You can listen to the story here...
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/rad...-go?act=1#play
PS. One great thing about listening to podcasts in general is that you can have both hands and both eyes free. And there is the magic pause button!
There's a phone booth, located at the site of the 2011 tsunami/earthquake where people can go to talk to their deceased loved ones. Thousands of people have visited the booth. The story of how the "Wind Phone" came to be is fascinating in itself. It's comforting to know that someone managed to create something beautiful in the midst of all this mourning. And I wonder how grief can be so isolating and so universal at the same time.
You can listen to the story here...
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/rad...-go?act=1#play
PS. One great thing about listening to podcasts in general is that you can have both hands and both eyes free. And there is the magic pause button!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,241
I'm glad sodev. that things in life are not
written in stone because things in life are
always changing. Yesterday is gone forever,
tomorrow isn't written for us yet and so we
have today.
Each day is different and will continue to
be different even if it doesn't seem so at
the moment. You and Aaron will continue
to change with each day that passes. One
more yr of growth mentally, emotionally,
physically, spiritually.
Little baby Aaron will be out of those infant
clothes before you know it. Which reminds
me of my 2 babies I had yrs ago. My son, Kenny
was my first and was 2 weeks passed due, and
was born almost 10 lbs almost like a football.
He didn't start off in infant clothes because he
was to big for them. However, when I had my
daughter, Jennifer, she was 7 lbs and was able
to begin in some infant clothes.
They grow out of those baby clothes so
fast, but with each birthday they celebrate
so does the neat clothes we buy them,
the cool toys, teaching them, preparing
them for the day they begin school.
I promise you that you wont have too
much down time running with baby Aaron
as he grows. You will be out and about
meeting other parents of children the
same age as Aaron.
I don't know if you read other folks posts
about having their own kids dealing with
addiction, or spouses, relatives, friends
all struggling and wanting to know how
to deal with them themselves.
Finding ways to educate themselves with
addiction in the family. How to take care
of themselves who feel angry, frustrated,
uncertain about what addiction has done
to their loved ones.
Its a sickness, illness, disease that can
tear a family apart for sure. And it could
have done that with my own family yrs
ago if the love, care and concern they had
for me to get me help 26 yrs ago hadn't
happened.
I had my 2 babies in 84 and 87 before family
intervened on me in 90 sending me to rehab
where I stayed for 28 days receiving the knowledge
and tools of a recovery program to help me
remain sober one day at a time while balancing
family and recovery the same time.
I am very grateful for what my family did
for me because it allowed me to become
the best mom and parent I could be to my
babies as they grew up before heading
off to college.
I'm not gonna say it was easy because it
wasn't as I continued to change and grow
in life and recovery too. However, I had an
affective program of recovery to use as my
guideline along with Faith and my Catholic
up bringing for strength and guidance from
Above.
Anyway.....for you today and moving forward
you now have experience in your corner because
he have already gone thru this experience with
addiction of a loved one which took him away
too soon.
Arming ourselves with knowledge of addiction
and tools of a recovery program will help you
in raising little Aaron. The same thing that happened
to me. With experience of addiction to alcohol
and all that went with it, the progression of the
disease if not put to sleep would have kept me
sick or possibly dead by this time today.
I chose to live and be a shining example
to my kids about addiction and recovery
before setting off to live their lives on their
own.
Yes, they did learn and have grown into 2
awesome kids with families of their own
today with no addiction thank God.
You will have your whole life ahead of
you teaching little Aaron, guiding him
before it will be his time to be on his own.
Stay strong and positive because you wont
have time to be a spinster with loads of cats,
maybe a few and a puppy. You will continue
to learn and add to your own experiences,
wisdom, hopes to your own life and passing
them on to baby Aaron and others around you.
Your journey in life continues with every
breath you take, with every step you take
with Faith, hope and love.
written in stone because things in life are
always changing. Yesterday is gone forever,
tomorrow isn't written for us yet and so we
have today.
Each day is different and will continue to
be different even if it doesn't seem so at
the moment. You and Aaron will continue
to change with each day that passes. One
more yr of growth mentally, emotionally,
physically, spiritually.
Little baby Aaron will be out of those infant
clothes before you know it. Which reminds
me of my 2 babies I had yrs ago. My son, Kenny
was my first and was 2 weeks passed due, and
was born almost 10 lbs almost like a football.
He didn't start off in infant clothes because he
was to big for them. However, when I had my
daughter, Jennifer, she was 7 lbs and was able
to begin in some infant clothes.
They grow out of those baby clothes so
fast, but with each birthday they celebrate
so does the neat clothes we buy them,
the cool toys, teaching them, preparing
them for the day they begin school.
I promise you that you wont have too
much down time running with baby Aaron
as he grows. You will be out and about
meeting other parents of children the
same age as Aaron.
I don't know if you read other folks posts
about having their own kids dealing with
addiction, or spouses, relatives, friends
all struggling and wanting to know how
to deal with them themselves.
Finding ways to educate themselves with
addiction in the family. How to take care
of themselves who feel angry, frustrated,
uncertain about what addiction has done
to their loved ones.
Its a sickness, illness, disease that can
tear a family apart for sure. And it could
have done that with my own family yrs
ago if the love, care and concern they had
for me to get me help 26 yrs ago hadn't
happened.
I had my 2 babies in 84 and 87 before family
intervened on me in 90 sending me to rehab
where I stayed for 28 days receiving the knowledge
and tools of a recovery program to help me
remain sober one day at a time while balancing
family and recovery the same time.
I am very grateful for what my family did
for me because it allowed me to become
the best mom and parent I could be to my
babies as they grew up before heading
off to college.
I'm not gonna say it was easy because it
wasn't as I continued to change and grow
in life and recovery too. However, I had an
affective program of recovery to use as my
guideline along with Faith and my Catholic
up bringing for strength and guidance from
Above.
Anyway.....for you today and moving forward
you now have experience in your corner because
he have already gone thru this experience with
addiction of a loved one which took him away
too soon.
Arming ourselves with knowledge of addiction
and tools of a recovery program will help you
in raising little Aaron. The same thing that happened
to me. With experience of addiction to alcohol
and all that went with it, the progression of the
disease if not put to sleep would have kept me
sick or possibly dead by this time today.
I chose to live and be a shining example
to my kids about addiction and recovery
before setting off to live their lives on their
own.
Yes, they did learn and have grown into 2
awesome kids with families of their own
today with no addiction thank God.
You will have your whole life ahead of
you teaching little Aaron, guiding him
before it will be his time to be on his own.
Stay strong and positive because you wont
have time to be a spinster with loads of cats,
maybe a few and a puppy.
You will continueto learn and add to your own experiences,
wisdom, hopes to your own life and passing
them on to baby Aaron and others around you.
Your journey in life continues with every
breath you take, with every step you take
with Faith, hope and love.
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