So depressed....help
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A walk a day helps so much, alone or with your son. I used to carry my son in the Baby Bjorn, and later, plop him in the stroller. We would walk for an hour or even two when the weather agreed with us.
In terms of breastfeeding: You don't walk into a party and immediately start sussing out who was breastfed and who wasn't. Not only would it be super weird, it's also downright impossible.
In regards to the mommy judgment in general, you will learn that the best person to judge what is right for your son will be you. I had people reprimand me for not putting a hat on my son - little did they know that as soon as one landed on his head he would take it off, and they were witnessing the one millionth time he swiped it off his head. Swaddling so he could sleep - forget it. From Day One, that kid figured out a way to squirm out of his blankets - he could be the next Houdini if he put his mind to it.
I got reprimanded from the nurses for breastfeeding too much my first evening. A friend got reprimanded for breastfeeding during family dinner. The list goes on and on and on. You learn to tune out the crap and tune in the value.
But relish those chubby cheeks!
In terms of breastfeeding: You don't walk into a party and immediately start sussing out who was breastfed and who wasn't. Not only would it be super weird, it's also downright impossible.
In regards to the mommy judgment in general, you will learn that the best person to judge what is right for your son will be you. I had people reprimand me for not putting a hat on my son - little did they know that as soon as one landed on his head he would take it off, and they were witnessing the one millionth time he swiped it off his head. Swaddling so he could sleep - forget it. From Day One, that kid figured out a way to squirm out of his blankets - he could be the next Houdini if he put his mind to it.
I got reprimanded from the nurses for breastfeeding too much my first evening. A friend got reprimanded for breastfeeding during family dinner. The list goes on and on and on. You learn to tune out the crap and tune in the value.
But relish those chubby cheeks!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
SeDev - I am sorry for the feelings you are experiencing. I know how real they feel. It is truly a feat to get through each moment, and you are doing it. I understand those moments may not bring feelings of accomplishment, but you are accomplishing SO much as you walk through all of this. This too shall pass, So Dev.
Is there a physical place where AH was laid to rest? Have you thought about taking time - a whole day even - to go there to talk with him and cry with him? I do not mean to intrude, so ignore this if need be. I am just thinking it could help you heal. Tell him how you feel about everything. Talk to him about Aaron. Maybe write him (as many times as you need) and go read your thoughts to him. Again, I am sorry if this is too intrusive...
Is there a physical place where AH was laid to rest? Have you thought about taking time - a whole day even - to go there to talk with him and cry with him? I do not mean to intrude, so ignore this if need be. I am just thinking it could help you heal. Tell him how you feel about everything. Talk to him about Aaron. Maybe write him (as many times as you need) and go read your thoughts to him. Again, I am sorry if this is too intrusive...
Last edited by hope778; 12-29-2016 at 08:38 AM. Reason: typo.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
sodevestated.....it does take a while for the meds to kick in....and, you have only recently began taking them.....
Exercise is sooo key when one is depressed....I think you should go for a walk every day, at least.....when your mother is watching Aaron. Actually, two small walks, each day would be even better.....
Structure is very important, now. Make yourself a schedule for every day....and, push yourself to do the things on the schedule...and, congratulate yourself for everything that you do......
The schedule can be very simple....but, do stick to it.....
I am very concerned that you need some face to face conversation with a living human, besides your parents, each day. do not underestimate the importance of this....Human connection is even more healing than anything else.....
Exercise--talking to someone else---sleep....
You need to be talking to your therapist doctor several times a week...even if you only talk on the phone to him/her......
An exercise that helps a LOT....is writing down all your bad feelings, fears, etc...and, any things you would like to have said to your husband...especially the angry things....AND, then, tearing up the paper and throwing it away. This gives some mental release. You don't even need to read the paper after you write the things...just tear it up and throw it away....
the idea is to do this once every day...put it on your daily schedule....about the same time each day, if you can .....
Do you think you could live with your Mother in Law for a while? Even for a few days...a change of scene and more understanding help with the baby might do you good....
I am glad that you keep posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exercise is sooo key when one is depressed....I think you should go for a walk every day, at least.....when your mother is watching Aaron. Actually, two small walks, each day would be even better.....
Structure is very important, now. Make yourself a schedule for every day....and, push yourself to do the things on the schedule...and, congratulate yourself for everything that you do......
The schedule can be very simple....but, do stick to it.....
I am very concerned that you need some face to face conversation with a living human, besides your parents, each day. do not underestimate the importance of this....Human connection is even more healing than anything else.....
Exercise--talking to someone else---sleep....
You need to be talking to your therapist doctor several times a week...even if you only talk on the phone to him/her......
An exercise that helps a LOT....is writing down all your bad feelings, fears, etc...and, any things you would like to have said to your husband...especially the angry things....AND, then, tearing up the paper and throwing it away. This gives some mental release. You don't even need to read the paper after you write the things...just tear it up and throw it away....
the idea is to do this once every day...put it on your daily schedule....about the same time each day, if you can .....
Do you think you could live with your Mother in Law for a while? Even for a few days...a change of scene and more understanding help with the baby might do you good....
I am glad that you keep posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's hard for me to go see my therapist several times a week but it would be a good idea to talk to her on the phone since I have no babysitter for Aaron. Thank you for your useful advice. You gave me a push in the right direction.
There is a lot I would like to say to my AH and writing it down could release the pressure. I have questions I would like to ask him. I would like to visit his grave (located in the city like everything else LOL) and just cry, scream and yell at him and show him his son who he has abandoned and hope he can see me from up above.
I think it would be possible to stay at my MIL's for a few days. I think she would appreciate spending some time with her new grandson. She doesn't have any baby stuff at her home though so I would have to bring everything there, but maybe that could be arranged too. I do agree with you on the fact that I would need a change of scene.
Thank you Dandylion ❤
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Well, you sure don't need to apologize for being depressed. I think I would feel the same way in your shoes.
Try to do something nice for yourself everyday...make yourself do it. It may not seem like much, but it helps. Take care of yourself in as many little ways as you can. It all adds up. Take a shower ,get dressed, put some make-up on, fix your hair.
You've got more than one issue going on at the same time here. New birth with it's ups and challenges. Grieving of your recent loss. Hang in there and sending a big hug.
Try to do something nice for yourself everyday...make yourself do it. It may not seem like much, but it helps. Take care of yourself in as many little ways as you can. It all adds up. Take a shower ,get dressed, put some make-up on, fix your hair.
You've got more than one issue going on at the same time here. New birth with it's ups and challenges. Grieving of your recent loss. Hang in there and sending a big hug.
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Puzzled heart thank you for sharing your story. I'll try to do what I think is best for my son without listening to everyone else's opinions. It's easy to get influenced by other people when you feel bad and to think they are right and you are wrong, and especially if someone is nagging.
Hugs
Hugs
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Originally Posted by hope778
SeDev - I am sorry for the feelings you are experiencing. I know how real they feel. It is truly a feat to get through each moment, and you are doing it. I understand those moments may not bring feelings of accomplishment, but you are accomplishing SO much as you walk through all of this. This too shall pass, So Dev.
Is there a physical place where AH was laid to rest? Have you thought about taking time - a whole day even - to go there to talk with him and cry with him? I do not mean to intrude, so ignore this if need be. I am just thinking it could help you heal. Tell him how you feel about everything. Talk to him about Aaron. Maybe write him (as many times as you need) and go read your thoughts to him. Again, I am sorry if this is too intrusive...
Is there a physical place where AH was laid to rest? Have you thought about taking time - a whole day even - to go there to talk with him and cry with him? I do not mean to intrude, so ignore this if need be. I am just thinking it could help you heal. Tell him how you feel about everything. Talk to him about Aaron. Maybe write him (as many times as you need) and go read your thoughts to him. Again, I am sorry if this is too intrusive...
You are not at all intruding. My AH has a grave I can visit. Ironically enough it's located close to the place where we had our wedding reception. So weird he ended up there, but it was his mother's will. To me it's just heart wrenching knowing that was the place we had our wedding and also the place where he was put to rest. I want to go there and just yell and cry. I don't know if it would help though, or maybe it would. Don't know.
Thank you for accompanying me ❤
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Sodevestated....I think it absolutely would help for you to yell and cry and express any emotion that you are feeling....
this falls in line with one of my personal favorite exercises that has helped me so much....lol..I call it the "wailing wall" exercise. I have often written about it here, on SR....
Here is how you do it....First, make sure that you are "private".....
then pretend that the person/persons that you need to express to are standing or sitting in front of you.....Then tell them anything...anything...that you want to say to them....Do not censor anything....Yell, scream, cry.....call them names, if it feels good. Do it until you feel exhausted and your mascara is running and your eyes are red and swollen......
You can shout it to the heavens, if you want to....You can scream at God if you want....You can do it at the edge of the ocean...or to a deserted field or the edge of the woods. Or, in an empty parking lot....or on the top of a hill.....
It is so carthartic, for those who are willing to do it......
I have also done a similar thing by writing all the stuff on p aper and then just earing it up....
Sodevestated...I say, go for it....!
this falls in line with one of my personal favorite exercises that has helped me so much....lol..I call it the "wailing wall" exercise. I have often written about it here, on SR....
Here is how you do it....First, make sure that you are "private".....
then pretend that the person/persons that you need to express to are standing or sitting in front of you.....Then tell them anything...anything...that you want to say to them....Do not censor anything....Yell, scream, cry.....call them names, if it feels good. Do it until you feel exhausted and your mascara is running and your eyes are red and swollen......
You can shout it to the heavens, if you want to....You can scream at God if you want....You can do it at the edge of the ocean...or to a deserted field or the edge of the woods. Or, in an empty parking lot....or on the top of a hill.....
It is so carthartic, for those who are willing to do it......
I have also done a similar thing by writing all the stuff on p aper and then just earing it up....
Sodevestated...I say, go for it....!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I really like the wailing wall idea.
The Native Americans used to go off in nature by themselves and sing certain songs and Native chants to cope with grief and pain and life changes. I think some of that stuff got handed down to the Appalachian people, many of who intermixed with the Cherokee. Here is a song by Ralph Stanley....it is very haunting....but it reminds of a "death song" someone might sing or chant as they are nearing death. I took care of a Native woman once on her death bed and she sang the Death Prayer. This reminded me a bit of it in some distant echo of time.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q-QH1XiCQw
I hope this isn't too morbid.
The Native Americans used to go off in nature by themselves and sing certain songs and Native chants to cope with grief and pain and life changes. I think some of that stuff got handed down to the Appalachian people, many of who intermixed with the Cherokee. Here is a song by Ralph Stanley....it is very haunting....but it reminds of a "death song" someone might sing or chant as they are nearing death. I took care of a Native woman once on her death bed and she sang the Death Prayer. This reminded me a bit of it in some distant echo of time.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q-QH1XiCQw
I hope this isn't too morbid.
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Location: America
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I am glad Aaron is healthy and you are the road to recovery, sweetie.
The birth of your baby boy is what I call a mixed blessing. Oh the joy of new life and what a miracle. Nothing much can surpass it. And, his father does live on in him, in a way. He is his flesh and blood and nothing can take that part from you...it is...part of him, and always will be even though he has passed on. You may feel sad that your son will not know his father in person, but you can talk to your son about his father and show him pictures and share with him the kind of man he was, when your son is old enough to learn these things. I never knew either of my Grandfathers....BUT, my parents talked about them enough and I saw enough pictures of them to "get to know them" in a different way. It just wasn't in the cards for me to grow up knowing them or even talking with even once. I wish I had. But in my soul, they are my kin; my anscestors.....their blood is part of my blood and nothing can change that. Their genes are part of my genes. I am sure I have some of their traits even though I have no idea what those traits are. And that baby loves you and needs you like nothing else. I hope you are able to get some joy out being a Mom despite feeling so depressed.
The birth of your baby boy is what I call a mixed blessing. Oh the joy of new life and what a miracle. Nothing much can surpass it. And, his father does live on in him, in a way. He is his flesh and blood and nothing can take that part from you...it is...part of him, and always will be even though he has passed on. You may feel sad that your son will not know his father in person, but you can talk to your son about his father and show him pictures and share with him the kind of man he was, when your son is old enough to learn these things. I never knew either of my Grandfathers....BUT, my parents talked about them enough and I saw enough pictures of them to "get to know them" in a different way. It just wasn't in the cards for me to grow up knowing them or even talking with even once. I wish I had. But in my soul, they are my kin; my anscestors.....their blood is part of my blood and nothing can change that. Their genes are part of my genes. I am sure I have some of their traits even though I have no idea what those traits are. And that baby loves you and needs you like nothing else. I hope you are able to get some joy out being a Mom despite feeling so depressed.
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SoDev, Visiting the physical place where AH is would make you feel close to him again, I truly believe. You will be amazed how when you have a conversation with him and speak out loud to him you will, in your mind, be able to "hear" what he would say back. He loved you SoDev, I believe that. I believe he would tell you that and say he is sorry. That this is not how he wanted it to go. I feel that is how all of our addicts/alcoholics feel. I feel that once you are able to accept that he did not intend this, you can walk through life with him by your side. When Aaron does something new, say "AH, did you see that?" or "AH he smiles just like you." Just as if he is there with you and you're telling him directly.
Do not be embarrassed to cry out to him, yell, plead, forgive, whatever you have to do - even in public! People go to grave sites to do this all the time. It is about what YOU need now. This is a very very raw time for you. The healing will come once you begin to get those feelings outside of you, into the universe, into the sky where he is listening.
I am praying hard for you, SoDev. We are here for you always!
Do not be embarrassed to cry out to him, yell, plead, forgive, whatever you have to do - even in public! People go to grave sites to do this all the time. It is about what YOU need now. This is a very very raw time for you. The healing will come once you begin to get those feelings outside of you, into the universe, into the sky where he is listening.
I am praying hard for you, SoDev. We are here for you always!
Last edited by hope778; 12-30-2016 at 05:48 AM. Reason: typo.
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No Rules
SoDev:
I feel very STRONGLY that when it comes to grieving, there are no rules! And grief can take many forms and be dealt with in many ways.
I even believe that it can impel you, compel you, and propel you...if you can find a way to channel it. I would have to say that the best way I personally deal with grief is through music, writing, and walking outdoors. Well, walking indoors is okay too of course, but getting outside and "connecting" with the earth and sky seems to be really really cathartic and uplifting at the same time. And there is nothing like fresh air....
Hugs to you and your little one.
I feel very STRONGLY that when it comes to grieving, there are no rules! And grief can take many forms and be dealt with in many ways.
I even believe that it can impel you, compel you, and propel you...if you can find a way to channel it. I would have to say that the best way I personally deal with grief is through music, writing, and walking outdoors. Well, walking indoors is okay too of course, but getting outside and "connecting" with the earth and sky seems to be really really cathartic and uplifting at the same time. And there is nothing like fresh air....
Hugs to you and your little one.
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Hi everyone
I've read your posts but I don't have time to reply right now. Just want to let you know I'm still here. Baby Aaron has had fever since last night and been grumpy. I'll be back posting as soon as he's feeling better.
Thank you for caring 💞
I've read your posts but I don't have time to reply right now. Just want to let you know I'm still here. Baby Aaron has had fever since last night and been grumpy. I'll be back posting as soon as he's feeling better.
Thank you for caring 💞
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Sodev,
I do hope your son Aaron gets to feeling better. And I sure agree with visiting your husband's grave when you're up to it.
It's been awhile since I've "visited my mom". She loved McDonald's decaf. I've gone to McDonald's to get two, take them to the cemetery, sit on a blanket, drink my coffee and spend time with mom. I put her decaf on the brass plate.
About yelling at God. Believe me, He can take it!
Be gentle with yourself.
Hugs to you and everyone else who is hurting.
I do hope your son Aaron gets to feeling better. And I sure agree with visiting your husband's grave when you're up to it.
It's been awhile since I've "visited my mom". She loved McDonald's decaf. I've gone to McDonald's to get two, take them to the cemetery, sit on a blanket, drink my coffee and spend time with mom. I put her decaf on the brass plate.
About yelling at God. Believe me, He can take it!
Be gentle with yourself.
Hugs to you and everyone else who is hurting.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Originally Posted by dandylion
Sodevestated....I think it absolutely would help for you to yell and cry and express any emotion that you are feeling....
this falls in line with one of my personal favorite exercises that has helped me so much....lol..I call it the "wailing wall" exercise. I have often written about it here, on SR....
Here is how you do it....First, make sure that you are "private".....
then pretend that the person/persons that you need to express to are standing or sitting in front of you.....Then tell them anything...anything...that you want to say to them....Do not censor anything....Yell, scream, cry.....call them names, if it feels good. Do it until you feel exhausted and your mascara is running and your eyes are red and swollen......
You can shout it to the heavens, if you want to....You can scream at God if you want....You can do it at the edge of the ocean...or to a deserted field or the edge of the woods. Or, in an empty parking lot....or on the top of a hill.....
It is so carthartic, for those who are willing to do it......
I have also done a similar thing by writing all the stuff on p aper and then just earing it up....
Sodevestated...I say, go for it....!
this falls in line with one of my personal favorite exercises that has helped me so much....lol..I call it the "wailing wall" exercise. I have often written about it here, on SR....
Here is how you do it....First, make sure that you are "private".....
then pretend that the person/persons that you need to express to are standing or sitting in front of you.....Then tell them anything...anything...that you want to say to them....Do not censor anything....Yell, scream, cry.....call them names, if it feels good. Do it until you feel exhausted and your mascara is running and your eyes are red and swollen......
You can shout it to the heavens, if you want to....You can scream at God if you want....You can do it at the edge of the ocean...or to a deserted field or the edge of the woods. Or, in an empty parking lot....or on the top of a hill.....
It is so carthartic, for those who are willing to do it......
I have also done a similar thing by writing all the stuff on p aper and then just earing it up....
Sodevestated...I say, go for it....!
I think I will yell and shout at home first when I'm alone and then when I get the chance to visit the cemetery. I haven't had the chance to go there alone, but I will make sure to get there and be "private " so I can say everything I have to say to my AH, and I have a whole lot to say. I think it would be food for me to do that. Thanks Dandylion
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Thank you Ringo. It sounds like it worked for you to talk to your mom at the cemetery. I will go there too and talk to my husband. Just feels so weird to go and visit him there.He shouldn't be there. I'm only 32 and I'm already a widow, and he was supposed to turn 30 in September, but he didn't. Life sucks tremendously.
Thank you for posting and caring
Thank you for posting and caring
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